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Discussion of "It's Over" by norm

3 ryanclausen 9 years, 2 months ago Reply your jive talk flows like a new born coming through the birthing canal and you have given the reader no incentive to push.

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1 KatofTroy 8 years, 10 months ago Reply

There is a lot of dialogue, what's going on around them. What's the history?

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2 icanziiravor 8 years, 8 months ago Reply

I agree with the other two. The dialogue is great, but there is no description of the characters, their surroundings or much else to really draw in the readers. I know they are in a casino and he's trying to work an angle, but outside of the dialogue there is no description of the surroundings, location, people around them, etc. It has potential, but more should be added to it.

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1 hebe6405 8 years, 3 months ago Reply

ahh... a casino... okay. see - I didn't know what a "pit" was referring to. That makes more sense... I had a totally different setting in my head.
The preview for this chapter explains that this was a "writing exercise" to work on dialog. 15minutes worth of writing.

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1 hebe6405 8 years, 3 months ago Reply

feeling fairly neutral on this one. The characters are quickly developed by the nature of the language, but it's lacking so much more with which to make a story. As an exercise (mentioned in the preview), I can see its merrits... huh...

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3 jujub1958 8 years, 3 months ago Reply

At first, hard to grab, but, as the dialogue progresses, becomes somewhat interesting. I would have liked to see more of movement, (i.e. hand gestures, facing or turning away), and background sounds of the drunk trying to bet on the next hand.

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1 ladyvike15 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

I like the dialog alot. but honestly, you need setting, just a little more than just the "pit". Make me imagine the lights in the casino, describe what they're wearing. is this in modern day casinos? Or is Rena a cha-cha dancer in an old club? help the reader picture what's going on around these characters. Altogether though, very good story line.

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