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Discussion of "TSNK 6: Out of the House of Bondage" by nasquared


1 Cornelius 6 years, 2 months ago Reply

Fantastic! I am humbled by your greatness :-) Perfect pacing consistent with the established flow of the story, well detailed, continues the mystery will making steps toward the inevitable conclusion, everyone is in character, good job of jumping in the middle and picking it up seamlessly. Way to go!


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1 nasquared 6 years, 2 months ago Reply

Thanks much! The concept of "collaborative fiction" is new to me, but I think it really makes you think on the fly to work with what somebody else gave you in the previous chapter & I really tried my best to go with the style & flow already established. Glad you liked it!


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1 whisper55 6 years, 2 months ago Reply

I wrote a part too, for this but your wowed me. You got my vote.


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1 nasquared 6 years, 2 months ago Reply

Hey! Thanks a bunch. I was beating my brain trying to keep straight everything that had already happened in the story and trying to continue in a believable way (at one point, I had a plot line that said Miguel Sanchez had escaped and the mutilated corpse they found in his cell was actually someone else...yeah...believable...). Glad to hear at least a bit of the beating paid off!


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1 chloe 6 years, 2 months ago Reply

oooh, that could have actually been cool- a little silence of the lambs though (lol)


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1 Walkindownaline 6 years, 2 months ago Reply

I like the beginning of this chapter. I thought the dream was a nice start. The dialogue with Franco, to me, seemed out of character and a bit drawn out. Overall I'm not a big fan of this chapter... I think more needed to happen.
P.s. I did like your descriptions, especially when she enters the office.


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1 nasquared 6 years, 2 months ago Reply

Thanks for the feedback. I had a tough time trying to match my writing to the style the rest of it has been written--I'm a much more character-driven writer than plot-driven, so I tend to be a bit wordy during character interactions that don't always necessarily move the plot forward. That being said, my interpretation of the characters would have put the dialogue with Franco completely within character for Adara, and after reading your entry, I'm curious what you find out of character, because she comes off as snippy toward him & he toward her (unless the note was planted, which is a strong possibility), in any case, I'm rambling. Thanks for taking the time to comment!


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1 chloe 6 years, 2 months ago Reply

This was a fantastic chapter! Its exactly the way I would picture Adara thinking and behaving. You portrayed her anxiety without making the chapter chaotic or her seeming completely out of control. Adara waiting for the computer to start up, or her messages to play were little details but they really spoke convincingly to her panic and built tension in such a relatable way. Great dialogue and the phone voice was menacing but believable. Nice touch tying the cops second guessing Sanchez's demise too. I also liked Adara's thought process - trying to make sense out of the new developements with Methra'sassociation to paganism and the confusion there- good summarizing to keep the reader on track. Great Read!
Chloe


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1 nasquared 6 years, 2 months ago Reply

Thanks, Chloe. I mentioned somewhere here that after Chapter 4 I knew how I would've ended the story, but then Chapter 5 killed off all my favorite suspects! After that I needed the recap with the cops and Adara trying to make sense of her assistant just to keep my own head straight. ;-) Glad you liked it (and that you stopped to say so!)
~n


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1 rocklee11416 6 years, 2 months ago Reply

I'm slightly confused. What do the files have to do with anything? Just because Nona was one of her patients doesn't mean that all her patients would be targeted by the killer. Why would Adara think of them so randomly? Otherwise the rest of the story was pretty good..except for the fact that most of it revolved around the files.. Also when Adara was on her computer and her phone why would she want everything to go faster? What was the point of speed in that situation? She wasn't scared of Methra or else she wouldn't have gone to the office...
My vote 4!


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1 whisper55 6 years, 2 months ago Reply

I still cannot see a clear shot of who is doing this. I love a story that I can't solve but I need some choices and a few misleads to go on. I can't fit Methra in to this and unless someone throws something really wild into the last chapter I don't see how it"s going to come together. It all has to tie together, thats what the end means. So you can't just throw a new killer in at the end and say heres the killer. If Methra is the killer something is going to have to tie the ends together. So I can't wait for the ending cause ever things is still so scatered, I want to see how it's pulled together. You wouldn't believe who I thought of for the killer. I even have a why. But I wanna see if anyone else uses it.


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1 crystalfoo 6 years, 2 months ago Reply

I like this chapter! You have a build up of panic and action that kept my attention and I love the cliff hanger ending. It was subtle but just enough to let us know that Methra is up to something. I also like the way you handle Adara and her impatience with Franco. To me, it is far more believable for a mother in her situation to react harshly and selfishly. It also helps make her more dimensional, more realistic, more fallable. Characters are better defined by their flaws than perfect, text book reactions. (If that makes sense...:) I think that you need a transition between Adara and her panicked hunt for the 'files' to explain what she is thinking. What is the link there? Maybe give her a light bulb moment that lets the reader know why we are on the move for these all important files. I would have liked her to actually find something in the office. A file that revealed a really good clue or something, maybe? A slip of paper with Father Preston's name on it on Methra's desk...? Then, your sweet, cliff hanger ending, that allows the reader to believe that Methra is really up to no good. All in all, good job!


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1 holly724 6 years, 2 months ago Reply

There are some definite strengths to this chapter, like little details that serve to make the plot creepier (e.g., "the secrecy of fallacy" being repeated) and the introduction that Sanchez didn't kill himself in prison by the cops. However, I think more could have been done to move the plot along -- would have liked to see the confrontation with Methra. And I wasn't sure what exactly Adara was scared of if she was, in fact, going there to confront Methra -- what did she think she was going to find on the computer before Methra came in? I wanted some additional forward motion in regards to the files -- like Adara remembering the kind of information potentially contained in them, etc.


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1 honeygloom 6 years, 2 months ago Reply

I love that you have Adara out of the house playing detective, awesome! I love the new clues: the secret fallacy, the house of bondage, the missing files, the voice Adara recognizes but can’t identify. I also liked that you introduced the possibility of Methra either being the killer or the next victim. There are debates about whether Christianity was essentially copied from Mithraism or not. Some groups state similarities between Mithras and Christ. This could easily be a sore spot for a “bible thumper” like the murderer, prompting him to want to kill Methra. On the other hand, as the murderer, Methra could feel an even deeper connection to Christianity, believing that she is a member of one its most ancient forms. It all depends on how the next writers interpret it and I love that you gave them the set-up. Nice work:) Oh, and it wasn’t all that clear, but I interpreted Will Engram as a possible killer. Methra would then be either in cahoots with him, or one step ahead of Adara! Again, great job!


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1 nasquared 6 years, 2 months ago Reply

All the new commenters, thank you! I've got a spotty net connection, so sometimes it takes a while to get back here. I can't believe you all couldn't see EXACTLY where I was going with the files ;-) (I don't know, does sarcasm come through? lol) It was so clear in my head that Adara remembered hearing or seeing something from one of her patient files that it seemed perfectly natural to me that she would suddenly become obsessive about the files...must remember...not all readers are in my head... Looking back, I agree that I didn't propel the plot forward all that much, but I achieved what I was going for, I think, and that was to leave it open for interpretation to the authors of the next chapter while bringing up a few of what I was thinking might end up as loose ends that didn't mean anything to the story if they weren't addressed (like Miguel Sanchez and Will Engram). Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read & comment! Much appreciated!


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1 writerwannabe 6 years, 2 months ago Reply

Welcome to SM, nasquared. This is a very well executed piece of work. By your own admission you are a character driven writer rather than plot driven and it showed, brilliantly here. I was always confused at the relationship between Franco and Adara. You did a fantastic job of clarifying their relationship and maintaining consistency as they struggled through their current, tense situation. I understood the implication of the files and wish you had clarified before concluding this chapter. I doubt the next writer will pick up on it. I voted you 4 stars, a slight cut only because I thought you could've advanced the plot a bit more.


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1 nasquared 6 years, 2 months ago Reply

Thanks for the welcome & the comment/critique! I can see that I wasn't at all as clear as I was hoping as to what the bit with the files was all about. C'est la vie ;-) Next time maybe I'll take an extra day to step back & reread/revise a little before posting...was just too excited this time, I guess. Thanks again!


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1 Katrina 6 years, 2 months ago Reply

I really like how you started this chapter off continuing the dream from the previous chapter.

Your writing is very clean and easy to read--those two are always pluses!

I would have liked to see Franco's reaction to Adara's outburst. As it is, he seems to be unaffected by it.

Overall, I found the chapter a fun read, but I have to admit that it was a little disjointed.

I LOVED the conversation that Adara overhears between the two cops. This was a great scene.

The message left on Adara's voicemail by the killer was super creepy.

This chapter was awesome, but I thought that the ending could have used a little oomph.

Overall, good job!!


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1 rabscuttle 6 years, 2 months ago Reply

This is really, rally good. I liked the sin of secrecy stuff, starting with the line:
“First I shall show thee the folly of secret sins.”

Very good work!


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1 Cornelius 6 years, 2 months ago Reply

nasquared, I thought for sure you were going to win this round, and would have thought it well deserved. I hope you give chapter 7 a go, I would love to read it, and trust it will be amazing.


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