Discussion of "Studebaker Pasta Antelope Rasp Plunger" by nashvillebecker

Very entertaining and well written. Loads of possiblities that get my creative juices flowing.

Nash you're on fire!

Good as always Nash!

Ok, to start ultra-critical...the first five paragraphs made me think "Uh oh, I'm not sure how I'm going to critique this without being a major jerk."

After we hit the elementary school though, I was ready to read on.

At that point, the story took on an interesting and engaging life much different than I was expecting.

I'm going to suggest something radical (and as with all such suggestions, take it with a grain of salt and only do what YOU, the author, really want to do): cut the first three paragraphs and start with "{Hugo} secured rubber bands around the ankles of his pants..."

The first three paras? Include them in the director's cut DVD? Better yet, use them to start off another chapter, later in the story. It isn't that they aren't important...they DO give us some important information. I just question the placement of them. It makes the story start too slow. They would be a nice "slow down" point later on...Or, I'm full of crap. :-)

I LOVE the title now that I've read the story. Very nice.

I thought the dialog with the principal was very well done. Two very distinct voices there, and we learn a lot about the principal in one response: "DOCTOR Joe."

One line didn't make sense to me: “I don’t. And yet, there’s a go-cart in the spot where I park every day. Why do you think that is?”

If he doesn't drive, what exactly is he parking there??

Overall? I am glad I stuck it out and got into the meat, because I'm left wanting more.

You're dead-on about the delayed start, Eric. I shot for quirky without a clear sense of direction and I didn't fully clean up my meandering.

As for the parking spot, Dr. Joe would have one as the principal. Obviously he doesn't use it, but he doesn't want anyone else using it either. Twinges of megalomania. To pun it badly: it's the principal behind it.

(Crap. It took about six rereads of that sentence to realize I wrote "in the spot where I park every day." Yeah. You're right. That's what editors are for. I'd change it to "in my spot." if I could go back and do so. Ah well.)

I sincerely appreciate the thought and effort you put into your critiques. Thanks for your time.

I like what I see here. I'm going to mash this now in a crazy direction. Tell me what you think when I'm finished, please.

Parking lot, smarking lot...it's a detail. Important for real publication but probably not so much here. I think what counts most here is the idea, plot, the flow of the story - pace, characterization and, of course, mashing. In all of those areas, nash, you're fantastic and probably so in areas I haven't seen, yet...lol. Transparency...5 points!

Quite an imagination. I don't think I could mash it though, only because I haven't the faintest clue as to how I would include all the words on the board....and they are key to the story. Have fun with it! It was fun to read!

Where does this take place? What's the conflict? Who is this person beyond his mountain bike and his job?

Where? In a new subdivision, at the elementary school for starters. Where on a map? Does it matter? Could be California, North Carolina, Chile, Europe... Thus far, the location isn't particularly significant. The conflict - there are two already. Fish out of water - Hugo has no idea what's going on. Mrs. Colson's disappearance provides a mystery to solve. Who's Hugo? A quirky, married father of a son and sub/temp teacher. Are you looking for his driving force, his mantra? I'm not sure yet but I'd like to find out.

All of your questions were reasonable and sensible, but I don't know that they needed to be answered at the opening. In my experience on SM, people like to take ownership by providing a name, a location, a detail, a new character, a twist - their own signature. If the contest was for ten people to follow my direct vision, I can't imagine it'd be much fun.

Too much info can be confining. October Chill was able to run the variety of directions - Colorado/Lancaster, PA/Hell - because no speciifc location was given.

-- Nash

Nashville, you sure can turn a phrase. The writing is great, but the story didn't hook me. Still, objectively, it is really great work.

With a grain of salt... I thought it was well structured, though not my favorite.

Allow me to admit I'm usually nervous when questioning what judges mean. That much aside:

Huh?

To merit a 1 vote, I'd think it'd require at least a spoonful of salt. A grain can nudge the flavor, but a 1 is a full-tilt kick. "Not my favorite?" also qualifies as a vast understatement, whereas "least favorite" would be better applicable. I'm happy for Perse and that she won, but my confusion between your minimal critique and your minimum vote gives me concern about what exactly you're looking for.

First rule of contests: if you want a chance to win, appease the judges.

Second rule of contests: if you're out of the running, forget the judges and have fun writing.

-- Nash

Love the title -- think it reflects your creative sense and knack for a clever voice. One of a handful of stories that manages to be both intriguing and very well written at the same time.

I am totally sucked in! After I read the last sentence, I actually said, "No way!" out loud because I didn't want the chapter to be over!

You have a gift for characterization, and I love the fact that our principal is a teenager with a genius IQ.

You've set up a fascinating situation with some really interesting characters--I'm excited to see what will happen next.

Great job!