Discussion of "Soccer Dad" by nashvillebecker

I thought this was brilliant. I loved how well you let the reader understand who the character was. He's kind of a prick, but the fact that he continues to coach the team even though he, along with his son, hates the game shows he has some good qualities. The way you built suspense was great also. It was paced excellently with humor throughout. Overall, great piece!

I was totally not expecting the direction you went with this. I echo fiona - brilliant!

Now thats a humorous(isn't that a bone?) start and a surprising direction.

hey, howya been? been away, but am back with some new ideas... hit me up

Man...I was going along, totally wrapped into the story (been there, done that...memories of my own experiences running through my head) and then, without the slightest hint or road sign, you took the story off - cross country at breakneck speed!

If that's not superb writing, I don't know what is...;o)

Aha! (wags finger at you) You've done this before, haven't you? The writing thing and the soccer-dad thing? lol

Your coach-woes were spot-on. I coached my son's soccer team (they were 4) and it was glorified babysitting. The butterfly chasing, the wandering, the sitting. My own fave was when my son jetted up and down the field (far from the 'action') watching his 'tail' all the while. When asked about it he said he was trying to see the smoke, smoke he must've thought was coming off his heels. lol Anyway, on to your chapter, of course...
I loved the setup; average day, average man, average woes. I liked that you didn't gloss over the little stuff. It was almost like YOU didn't even see it coming, and you were writing it. That was superb. Or a great accident. ;)
There's some 'too-casual' prose in places,(no real complaints but it's sometimes a fine line with 1st pov- keeping the 'tone/lilt/cadence?' of the account and not sacrificing the story-telling aspect. Does that make sense? It's early.) ;) And another good point? It's a truly mash-able chapter. A fundamentally-basic, well-written setup for a good story. Bravo! It's a great chapter, solid and did exactly what you intended it to do.

I gave it a 4.

I love how it seems you're just sitting on the couch listening to your neighbor telling you about his boring soccer dad day! The tone and pace is brillant. I really loved how everything going wrong in his life seemed to come back to it's somehow his wifes fault. Good piece Nash.

Great chapter, Nash! I love how you took something that seems so innocent and turned it around. Every parent's most frustrating woes and then terrible fears came to life on the page/screen. The voice of your character came across superb and the ending left me definitely wanting more.

I read this a couple days and had no idea what to comment, except "Swoon", which isn't helpful at all. So I read another one of your pieces and it still didn't help me. Instead of thinking up a critique, I was fantasizing about marrying your wit (just your wit, mind you; my husband may protest against more). You would definitely be one of those authors I'm forbidden to read in bed. Too much laughter waking my husband. I can definitely envision you as the next Christopher Moore. Easily.
*
You're characterization is spotless. Even the brief paint you slap on the Red Coach is believable/intriguing/informative enough. You're the type of writer that characterize a spoon with minimal effort. And it would even be a story we'd all read and love.
*
Clever wit from both the author and the character. Excellent. Love "black jack", love the choking on whistle comment. There is a vague notion growing in the back of my head that this guy isn't exactly happy in his marriage but his son makes it all worth it. Aww.
*
HATE the parentheses. Had no clue half the time whether you're talking to the readers or the mashers. Some of the parentheses could be turned into sentences, some dashy asides, others unnecessary. We're all casual here so their presence is fine, but if this is honest practice for publication, I personally think they should be whittled down. I only read two authors who output comedic narrative (Moore, Pratchett), which I think is your targeted genre here, so I could be wrong.
*
Aside from that, the only thing I could possibly suggest here is description. Aside from the color of the jerseys and brief view of the field, there isn't any. I'm a bit wary calling you on this. clearly, you don't need description to captivate your audience. If this were a book I was assessing in the book store, I'd probably buy it. Also, the style in this piece doesn't allow for in depth detail. Too much, and you drown the clever voice.
*
But I think you can play with a little. Instead of 'none of the jerseys are Michael', something like 'none of the jersey's have an apple shaped grass stain'. Or maybe the whistle is glaringly orange, like the marker he uses in golf, which is where he'd rather be right now. Not much, but just enough to not make its absence notable.

Bravo, Nash! While my coaching experience is more for an intellectual team than athletic, we deal with the same types of distraction. Why do we put our kids through this? Or ourselves? Anyway, the chapter was such a fascinating read. Kudos!