Discussion of "Dark Stalkers (2)" by nashvillebecker

Whoosh! What a rush! I like the character elements you added: funny, cynical, and pretty freakin’ ballsy… I know I lose brownie points when I don’t say critical things along with the nice ones, but I can’t think of anything. I just liked it, OK?

Hey Nash, I'm a new jack on this site and have only published a few chapters, however most of the storielines I like have a chapter involving you. I published a chapter 2 to your "Blood Donor", took your direction in "Dark Stalkers" by adding a chapter 3 and submitted chapter 4 of "Thou Shalt..." for the contest. I've noticed you have given some insightful comments, so if you ever have a chance to check out some of my chapters, please let me know what you think. Thanks!

Yea, Nash!! Excellent, as always...maybe even better. Love the quick story movement, the humor in a tough situation and the analogies.

I get the feeling that you sat down and wrote this just to be writing it- as if you didn't take much pleasure in writing it. After reading a great deal of your other work, that's the feeling I got. I've seen longer, more passionate comments written by you. lol. Maybe I'm wrong, but when you ended the chapter with the same exact words as the first chapter, i felt as if that was code for... "I'm so bored writing this, that I'm going to have at least a little fun by giving myself the little challenge of twisting the story to make it end exactly the same way as the first chapter, with the same, exact words. There. Did it. That was a mildly interesting literary exercise." lol.
Then again, maybe I'm wrong.
Gave it a four.

nash~ As always your trademark writing skills are on display here. The comic touches. The terrific little details…The flying cow-Mrs. Oleary, etc.
I do however agree with the last comment, you seemed bored. While it was well written it wasn’t very crafty. For starters, these creatures don’t just come out at night. Unless I misread, I believe it was indicated in the first chapter that this ordeal began during the day. Beyond that, I got turned around with your haystack, ring of fire scene. I wasn’t able to get a good visual. Too confusing. Maybe it was just me?
I was also thrown by this: “Obviously, I made it out, or else I wouldn’t be able to retell the story now.” Doesn’t that sort of take away the suspense? I guess I was following the narrative assuming it was not a ‘retelling’ but that I was in her head.

Shadow and Dog --

While reading the original, I felt a B-movie vibe. Army of Darkness wit and ridiculous monsters. Tried to convey that; apparently I failed. Ah well.

The first installment begins with the narrator telling the reader about the situation, which is why I felt no guilt about pulling out of the story. An inside joke, as it were. Still in the horror genre, but not the kind of stuff that keeps you up at night.

'Preciate your feedback, though. I may invest more time and effort in comments, but I at least try to write so as not to become one of the "those who can't do, teach. Those who can't teach, critique" bunch.

SPen - you going any further with The Idol? I'm willing to trade chapters if you are. (Not that other people aren't welcome as well, but too many stories these days are 1 or 2 chapters, and never get any further if they're not entirely done by one writer. Kinda kills the idea of mashing, no?)

-- Nash

Shadow and Dog --

While reading the original, I felt a B-movie vibe. Army of Darkness wit and ridiculous monsters. Tried to convey that; apparently I failed. Ah well.

The first installment begins with the narrator telling the reader about the situation, which is why I felt no guilt about pulling out of the story. An inside joke, as it were. Still in the horror genre, but not the kind of stuff that keeps you up at night.

'Preciate your feedback, though. I may invest more time and effort in comments, but I at least try to write so as not to become one of the "those who can't do, teach. Those who can't teach, critique" bunch.

SPen - you going any further with The Idol? I'm willing to trade chapters if you are. (Not that other people aren't welcome as well, but too many stories these days are 1 or 2 chapters, and never get any further if they're not entirely done by one writer. Kinda kills the idea of mashing, no?)

-- Nash

Hey Nash, thanks for your contribution, however, I must say that reading it was slightly painful. First, of course the erratic, often schizo ramblings of the lead go against the grain of the personality that has been set in place already. She has never displayed this "Rip Taylor" style of a bombastic attitude until this point. Now, although it may have had a "B movie" tip to it (hey, I love Grindhouse as well as the next guy), that shouldn't have been interpreted as code for turning the rest of the story into a black comedy. The second thing that bothered me was, the usage of present tense. If you go back and read the previous chapters, well, you'd see that everything is written as a story in past tense, with the exception of chapter one which is the set up. I understand and respect that you have alot of fans who enjoy your random insanity, and I'm sure the more of your work that I read, I will be a fan too. But I regret to say that it doesn't work for this particular story. No worries, all will be repaired in the next and final chapter.