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Discussion of "The Unknown: Trust" by nashvillebecker

2 wendyboop 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

Wow, I like it. I didn't even think to take the 2nd chapter to a different person's story. I had a little problem following the dialog (took me a few read to realize he is blaming the teacher for Jake hurting his neck). But, maybe that is me (as you will see my comment on another story, I am obviously out of it today! Anyway, I gave it 3.5.

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2 Aggeloi 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

Well done! You have a great style and an easy-to-read voice. I loved the interaction with Felton, and the line, "According to Jake, the termination date was earlier than expected," was just great. Oz is redneck enough to make it believable that he might threaten to kill a teacher just because his kid started standing up to him. And sharp move, bringing in good ol' Munchausen's. Good work - I give you a 4.

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1 writerwannabe 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

Superior writing in true Nashvillebecker style! While I love your descriptive narratives and "back stories", in this case I thought it was a bit much and, overall, slowed the pace of the story. In the middle scene it took me a few reads to associate Shelby Osgood with Oz...lol... admittedly, I'm sometimes a little slow on the up-take. Having finally done so, though, I then had difficulty associating Oz's character as a rough and tumble redneck who would first, allow a young boy to scratch his neck and/or second, admit it to anyone. Finally, in the same scene Oz produces a credit card with a picture on it. I may be way behind the times, but I've never seen nor heard of a credit card carrying a picture, nor can I quite believe an experienced undercover agent would have in their possession anything that identified them as anyone other than whomever they pretended to be. That was a helluva sentence, huh? LOL. Overall, I liked the chapter. I liked the message setup near the train station; I liked the back stories and narratives and, I liked the piece with Felton and finally, I like you style (as always). My vote: 4.0

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2 Eternal_Flame 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

On it's own I liked this chapter and the direction you took, but I didn't really feel like the writing style matched well with the style of the first chapter. The two didn't seem to flow together. Just something to watch when mashing in the future.
Also, like some of the other comments above, there were sections that I found slightly confusing...meaning I had a sometimes re-read a bit. Nothing huge, but a disruption in the flow of the story nonetheless.

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2 theblackhand 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

Good chapter Nash, it just doesn't fit right. I had some trouble with following the story line you were trying to get across.

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2 raspberrywafer 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

I really liked the writing style and the story you were telling - It looks like it's going to a really interesting place. The only thing was I occasionally had to scroll back up and reread a bit - but I think that's mostly because you switched perspectives at one point, which can certainly work.


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3 shadinah 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

The description of Felton was hilarious. I like that you describe her struggle with the deception she has to pull off. I also really liked the idea of the once a week work station - logical and unique! I also liked the idea that she'd been found out, though I agree with writerwannabe that it would be unlikely for her to be carrying something from her past identities. (however, in response to the comment about the pic on the credit card - Bank of America routinely puts the pics on their credit and debit cards for security purposes, so it is quite plausible!)
I would rate it 4, only because it didn't grab me as much as your other stories.

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3 wolfram 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

Loved the writing (as always). I was a little disoriented with this chapter, mostly because I'm attention span deficient and found myself going back a number of times to figure out what was going on. You expanded nicely with some new characters, just like you did the last contest. (In my chapter, I did the same.) You also seemed reluctant to ape the style of the first chapter. I don't know if this is generally considered a detriment, though I prefer a smoother flow. Could have been better, but still really good. 3.5

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1 hebe6405 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

The "voice" of the story changes a bit from chapter one to this chapter - I like the contained side-story (especially since it was visually marked off).

Not sure why I have it in my head that the story takes place in the north, but taking it to the south sort of threw me for a loop. I'd have to go read chapter one again to figure out why my head's working that way.

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2 honeygloom 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

Interesting... Wonderfully written, you set a great scene with great characters. With that said, yeah, I’m slightly confused. Jake is an Osgood? Something is going on with the Osgoods and Shelby Osgood stole Ms. B’s credit card which the FBI neglected to put in her undercover name? Silly FBI. Silly agent who puts it in her purse too. Seemed like an amateurish move for a 14yr veteran and the Bureau combined. Overall though, I really liked the tone and where you’re headed, just that one little thing bugged me.

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1 Katrina 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

The intro to this chapter is a little off--I spent it wondering when we would get back to what Jake said to Ms. B, to be honest with you.

I was confused by the scene where Oz implies that Ms. B is influencing the children to fight back against their abusive families. It seems random and very hillbilly to me. Out of place, I think.

You mention MSbP, but I don't know what that is--it would help if you explained briefly.

Your writing style is engaging and refreshing. And very consistent.

Great job!

  hidden comment from Katrina with score of 1
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