Don’t read any further if you’re easily offended; I may be talking about your story.

I’m going to try something, and I hope to not crunch any toes.  If anyone has read “It was a Dark and Stormy Night” (Scott Rice), they’ll get a reasonable understanding of my motive.  I’m copying the first sentence -  and only the first sentence - from random FIRST chapters and providing commentary.  I will only take chapters from stories I did not write and (to the best of my memory) where I have not read the rest of the story.  If you’re curious about which spots I grabbed from, you can search for ‘em.  My hope is to provide help.  Here goes nothing:

1.  Waking up in the airport terminal chair I realized something was very wrong.

Hmm.  It doesn’t slam me in the face, but it arouses my curiosity.  Why were you sleeping in the airport?  What was wrong?  There’s a subtle urgency (an oxymoron, I realize) which serves as a quality hook.  I want to know more. 

2.  Living with the guilt of the things I've done in the past few years has been killing me.

Whap!  It’s bold, unapologetic, and right out there.  It creates questions and mystery.  I’m not a fan of “has been killing me;” it strikes me a bit cliché.  Give me a new way to agonize, a different angle on the suffering.  Otherwise, strong grabber.

3.  He had to get out of the building.

Wow.  Sometimes something so brief and simple can be more compelling than any epic detail could provide.  It’s an immediate emergency.  This is not a story to be put down after the opening.  (As I still haven’t read the rest, I hope it sustains the power of the start.)

4.  It was one of those grey, wet mornings that Milly hated so much.

Up until now, the beginnings have been for [I assume] action stories.  This one is obviously not.  (If it is, you should choose a stronger alpha.)  I like the imagery of London/Seattle/wherever it’s drab and bleah.  Without knowledge whether Milly is 6 or 86 years old, it describes the setting in 13 little words.  I’m intrigued.

5.  People always ask "Why don't you carry a cell phone"?

Have you ever noticed how some beginning lines sounds like setups for jokes?  Did I ever tell you about hyperbole?  How much stronger would this be if you removed “People always ask”?  The author is robbing himself/herself of effect.

6.  The fog tumbled and twirled in the light of the street, so thick it reminded the woman sitting on the porch of London, England where fog seemed to be a living, breathing, thing.

Heh.  Reminds me of #4.  Except this one doesn’t skimp on the details.  It attempts to bite off a huge chunk up front, where it may be more impacting to split into multiple thoughts.  The setting is established, but it reads bulky.  I’m also a tad confused – sitting on the porch of London, England?  The city has a porch?

7.  Life after death is perceived in different ways.

True.  And?  What excites me about different?  What draws me in and refuses to let go?  For a subject as complex as the afterlife, it’s a throwaway sentence.

8.  Moonlight shone on the forest, its light flittered through the lush canopy, illuminating the lush shrub.

It needs editing; after forest, there should be a semicolon instead of a comma.  Moonlight’s light?  The author says the same thing thrice: Moonlight on the forest, light on the canopy, illumination on the shrub.  Either this is exceptionally important to be driven home, or it’s redundant.  I fear the latter.

9.  Avery dreams.

Easily the shortest of the bunch.  A great teaser, nonetheless.  No clue who Avery is or what his/her dreams entail, but the abrupt poke/reveal works. 

10.  He was in “unwind” mode, top down on his convertible to let the cool breeze wash over him.

I like it because it’s tactile.  It nails something many of us are familiar with (unwind mode); he handles that with ease.  No clue what comes next, but I can experience this sentence.  I want more.

Remember: opinions are like noses; everybody’s got one.  (Dogdeity would phrase it differently, I’m sure.)  Mine’s no more important than anyone else’s, but a good hook is invaluable.  Invest the time in finding one.

Depending on the response (as I watch my ratings plummet by those who ignored my opener to this), I'm willing to do more.  Lemme know if it's worth it.

Good luck and good writing.

-- Nash