Dear Santa,

It’s not so much that I believe in you as it is I don’t know what to believe anymore.  I figured I should probably get that right out of the way.  Maybe you’re an old postman whose job is replying to these and scanning for letter bombs and threats to the president.  As you can see, there’s no white powder or threat.  Just this letter and a few photos.  In case you can’t figure out what they are or what they’re for, here’s a list.

Photo 1 – That’s Jennifer Ussery, my girlfriend.  I haven’t seen her in three weeks.  Maybe, since you see everything, you know where she is?  She was talking about making a new start for herself, and maybe I should’ve given her a little more space.  She said she has cousins in California, but I know she didn’t have enough money for a plane ticket.  Did she hitchhike?  Is she okay? 

Photo 2 – That’s a gun.  Relax, there’s no ammunition.  I swiped it from my brother’s room, and God only knows where he got it.  I haven’t found the bullets yet.  It’s a Taurus .357 Magnum Model 605.  Do elves make bullets?  I want to protect Jennifer, wherever she is.

Photo 3 – That’s me and Jennifer.  It’s not the best picture of us, but she’s camera shy.  I don’t know why, you can see how beautiful she is.  Could you maybe give that picture to her and maybe that will make her want to come back or at least call me?

I know the other slip of paper isn’t really a photo, but it’s the ring I’m wanting to buy for her once I earn enough money.  I got kind of scared when we were at the mall so I didn’t tell her, but I really believe she’s the one. 

Jesus, I’m writing my problems to an imaginary fat man at the North Pole.  Yeah, that’s normal.

I guess I should write what I’m asking for this Christmas.  That’s why you get your letters, right?  Most of all, I want Jennifer back, safe and sound.  Even if she doesn’t want to get married (right now), it’s important to know she’s okay.

I could use some bullets.  Like I said, to protect her from anything bad happening.  I don’t need a lot, since I got so good at shooting by playing Area 51. 

I could also use that ring, or something like it.  Jennifer’s not greedy, so a simple ring would work.  Or some kind of job better than the movie theater, so I can earn grown-up money.  Yeah, that would work better, since I could get an apartment too.  I think maybe that’s one of the reasons Jennifer doesn’t like coming over, because of Tom.

Lastly, could you get Tom out of jail?  I’m pretty sure he didn’t do it.

Hey, when you make requests of make-believe people, why not shoot for the moon?

Thanks.  Give Mrs. Claus a big hug.

Sincerely,

Curtis