Discussion of "TSNK 10: End of Minds" by nashvillebecker

I thought this was really good. Your voice and style are excellent. I like the dispatching of Charlie - it was a neat tying up of ends there. Both Paige's visions and the scene inside Jimmy's head were delightfully creepy, very well played. And I like the way you eliminated Jimmy through the cellmate he had scorned as a 'pawn' - in fact, all of the chess allusions brought an enjoyable flavor to the chapter. I will comment that you might make it a stronger chapter by showing Jimmy's motives - why is he after Adara/Paige? - but it's still a good piece as it stands.

I know when I've been outdone. Wish I read yours before investing my time in mine. Ah well, live and learn.

When I came in, I saw four challenges I wasn't sure how to answer. I had ideas on tackling other issues, but these bugged me.

1. Why is Franco a Guardian? How can I prevent that from feeling hokey?
2. What happened to Methra as Sun Goddess? (Same follow up as Q1)
3. Is Silent's motivation really that Charlie said he couldn't mental-tap Adara? That's the best reason for him to be a two-year psionic serial killer?
4. Why the Ten Commandments motif at all? Have mind-games taken center stage to the point where the Thou Shalt Nots are an afterthought?

I tackled 1, bypassed 2, and flirted with 3 and 4, elevating Jimmy's god complex as something of an explanation/motivation. Why specifically Adara/Paige? Good question.

Style may outdo substance in some areas, Agg, but I can admit when I've been topped. I won't submit a version 2; I read the other chapters and I don't believe it's fair to incorporate (consciously or subconsciously) others' solutions into my work.

Thanks for the comments. There are areas I would've preferred seeing the story evolve differently, but (1) I'm welcome to create those paths myself, and (2) more importantly, I'm pleasantly impressed at the final result. There are good chapters to choose from for the finale; after minimal, last-minute entries for the last few rounds, that was a concern. (Not to say those weren't quality, but there were moments I feared no one wanted to submit a chapter.)

I'll try to check out some of your other stuff, Agg. See if I can't bounce something back.

-- Nash

I understand about not wanting to write after reading others' work; I'm the same way. I don't necessarily think you've been topped, as you took the story a slightly different way than either Shadinah or I did. I loved the fight in the church, and you brought the 10 Commandments back in rather well with Paige's vision of the crosses. There was quite a challenge left to anyone trying their hand at chapter 10, and I thought you tackled it well. Overall, good work and best of wishes to you!

I really liked this version. Granted, the ***** spots tripped up the reading, because my mind wants to fill in the blanks which distracts me from the sotryline. I did find it out of character for Jimmy to speak. Maybe the initial utterance, but it just didn't feel right. However, I did like the way you answered the questions. And I really liked Adara's fight at the end. Good luck.

Hey Nash- caught up on my reading and I have some comments. First, I have to say that when it comes to crafting a sentence, to feeding images to the reader, you are fantastic. Your words are always necessary words, not fillers.;)
Your first line is absolute and perfect. Great line with 'Destination?...Hell." It tells the reader Adara's exact mood, maybe even her expression without actually describing it. I don't really feel the horror, the misery when Adara thinks about her daughter, and the possibility she's dead. To me, that's her motivation for any will she can muster.
Is 'Quietness' a word?
Love that you kill off Franco. Good characters have to die in stories all the time. It's written somewhere. It's a rule. I do it all the time. lol
Who carries smelling salts? That reference threw me. But I love that she's comatose in the end. It's not the perfect ending, the perfect bow with hugs and kisses all around. The reader assumes that Paige may come out of the coma someday, but who knows...I love ending in which the reader yells out "NO! You didn't!" This wasn't quite that dramatic, but definetely no disney princess ending. Good.
When you stage the battle, in the church and use the imagery of beasts and minions and horns, in my mind I see something like the mental landscapes that are in the movie "Cell". I thought you pulled that off really well.
All in all, Nash, I think you cut the sub-chapters too short and chopped the whole thing up. Every passage you did was fantastic, but seemed surgical-(does that make sense?)
Still it's really good-as usual with you. ;) Foo

Hey, Nash! I've been absent for quite a while, reading at least the winning chapters when I could. I could not resist reading your entry for the final round!

You are so gifted! There was not one boring moment in your offering! I loved the part where you said "If I can't have your undying devotion, I'll take your dying devition"! Powerful! the entire scene in the church was beyond descriptive! Fascinating detail! I am awestruck! Adara was seeing in real life what she only previously saw in her dreams!

I also really liked the use of the chess game analogy. It tied in well with the whole story. I also liked how when adding astericks between scenarios that they "counted down" to the final scene.

I do not feel that not tying up every piece of each chapter was neccessary. Your conclusion made me feel that I wanted to read more and lead me to believe that there was more to unravel...allowing me to contemplate the possibilities. A good mystery always leaves me wondering...I liked that.

Thanks for all of your attention to the contest! I am a big fan! Angie

great story!

You're a gifted writer, through and through. I love the way you tell a whole story in a sentence: "Theresa’s lips burned on the end of the barrel, but the pain was fleeting as she didn’t last long enough to blister."
Time and space constraints seem to have taken its toll, though. So much going on, and no time to savor. Love that you brought the pain - killed Franco, comatosed Paige. New characters (Theresa, Spidey, Roo) enter flawlessly in your narrative. Wish I had that kind of finesse. Well done!

You have a real visceral feel to your writing and there are several mini-moments that continue to chill me long after reading — and you make the reader feel the fear of your characters, which can be quite difficult sometimes if one has to be concerned about plot as much as you do here. The only thing I would caution against is too much deflection from the current action (e.g., I didn't believe that Jimmy would just take a break from his mind games to focus on Roo and Spidey, which of course, we understand later will become very important...it felt a little like the easy way out.) But overall, nice work.

Intense! Whew! Loved the battle scene, very surreal, but not over the top. Paige’s dreams are fantastic and I loved that you didn’t let her wake up. It’s completely feasible (well, at least within this particular realm) that Paige’s young psyche is just too damaged to function. You didn’t address the connection between Jimmy and Adara. I have a hard time believing YOU of all people couldn’t think of something… maybe you rushed it? Over all, awesome conclusion, a pleasure to read:)
P.S. you killed Franco! Good move I thought, Adara needed to battle Jimmy on her own. A living guardian would have muddled the story.

Refreshing, clean writing. Nice.

"I climbed into my car and stared at the GPS. 'Destination?' came the synthesized voice. I paused, entered 'Hell.'" --Great! This type of comic relief is great for such a high-tension story. Paige's Catholic school comment was another of my favorites.

I love your writing style. It's engaging and witty.

The crucifixion scene was a little over the top for me, with the blatant references to Jesus' crucifixion.

It seemed odd to me that Jimmy chose the moment he did to break his silence. I would think that he would be like Kevin Smith's creation Silent Bob. He would only break the silence when he had something really important to say.

The ending was very abrupt and came out of nowhere.

Your chapter started off with a bang and seemed to falter towards the end. I think if you had more time to work with it, you could have done something special here. Great effort!