Discussion of "Thou Shalt Not Kill (2)" by nashvillebecker

Nash!!!! I am absolutely floored!!! OMG!!!! I don't know what to say! It's like you were in my mind!!! I loved how you tapped into the doctor's abilities and wrote her more feeling than intellectual when perusing Nona's file! I love the addition of the Boyfriend and daughter...and the machine that counts how many times she "dies" in her sleep! Fantastic!!! The conversation beteween the daughter and her is almost identical to what I go through most times with my own daughter (who is in Special Ed and calls me all of the time for things like this rather than palnnig ahead). And the return phone call from school!!! OMG!!! Paige had sworn at her mom and now the psycho had her! I had shivers run up my spine! I totally connected!!!!! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! It was a FABULOUS addition! I am floored by your skills!!!!

Sorry for the typos! and I failed to mention that her age at death, 33, was religiously signifigant! Still raving!

Four quick notes, two of which I'd edit to fix if I could.

1. The file wouldn't provide an age. It'd list a birthdate. Doc could do the math herself, so it's a quick oversight.

2. Reread chapter 1s ending again after submitting this - it'd be hard to finish the last sips of Starbucks once they decorated her shoes. Oops. (Considering the multiple doctorings (y'know, I think I'm starting to do these puns intentionally) of Adara's name, the location, and other details, I'm not going to worry about it.)

3. If I could get into the mind of my wife like I somehow tapped into Adara's, she'd be a much happier woman. I know plenty about CPAPs, special needs kids (though that wasn't mentioned here; my adopted sister has fetal alcohol syndrome), and panic.

4. 33 is religiously significant, yes. I only wish I intended it. Another happy accident.

-- Nash

Daggone, Nash!!! I don't even want to put mine to pen now. Excellent development in character and story. Spinetingling! Gut-wrenching - I could feel her pain. Somebody cut this guy a check and get him outta here!

LOL...you got that right, wsells. Spectacular writing Nash, absoultely perfectly done!! I was still ruminating on a chapter two, but Nash has pulled the chair out from under me (and everyone else, I strongly suspect!

Nicely done! I think everyone can overlook the things you would like to edit.

Just reading additional comments....actually, the edits you mentioned did not detract me from the story in any way. Oh, and just so you know, I wasn't saying that I thought the daughter was special ed, I just mentioned it about mine. I think I connected with the conversation and subsequent abduction so well because of mine and my own daughter's similar convos...that and the fact that I am always worried about her saftey and would lose my mine if anything happened to her. On a very real level, I put alot of myself into the role of the doctor; having said that, and being a mom, this chapter hit home!!! Still my favorite!!!

Hey Nash~
Finally someone decided to stay with 1st person. Bravo.
I love reading your chapters. They are interesting, well crafted and thoughtful and always seem to have some sort of Wow factor. So, I was three quarters of the way through this one when I started drifting, wondering who was pitching for the Tigers today. It’s not that it was boring…it just wasn’t exciting. Not what I’ve come to expect from you. And not what I would have expected as a chapter two to this storyline.
However, when I hit the “Honor you Mother and Father!” line I about fell out of my chair. I love how you dragged the kid into the story and it really shed new light on the beginning. I actually went back and reread it right away before I continued on, and it held my interest better.
Doesn’t make sense to me how Paige will tie into the murders, or how the murderer even knows that Paige is the daughter of a woman who just happened to have a dream about his murders. But that’s for another chapter.
I think you could have condensed the details of the top portion and raised the WOW factor up in the chapter. Then maybe continued the storyline further along by changing the scene or something. I don’t know. We only have ten chapters to work with here. Just my opinion and based on the comments from the original author it looks like I may be off on this one. I just felt like we went from an overloaded chapter one to an underloaded chapter two.
One of the best written chapter twos I’ve read so far…but not the most engaging.
I voted a four.

p.s. ‘Kathy Bates eating oatmeal.’ Classic.

Nash! OK so I’m trying this new thing where I don’t read the other comments before I make mine, so I hope I’m not off base, but this didn’t have the force I would have expected. The stuff with her boyfriend seemed out of place (although Kathy Bates eating oatmeal is spectacular). And now I’m completely confused about who was murdered when. If Adara was ‘seeing’ the last murder, why didn’t she see her daughter when she looked around the room? But I loved the chapter nonetheless. Nice twist, well thought out, and as always, well written. And I love that she can hear the school bells ring over the killer’s breathing. Creepy to the max!!

HG- I think that Adara does not recognize any of the murder victims...even the one whose body she inhabits in her dream sequence. We only know that she is dubbed as the adulteress and 9 other women have been killed before her. I think that the concept is to get her through the plot twists and her own lack of ability to clearly forsee anything of real relevance before at least the last murder happens.

My primary critique of this one was that I felt it just wasn't long enough. It seemed like it just got going and then ended. Here again, as with another story, a simple reference to the first chapter would have kept the facts straight, like with the coffee. I like the writing style. I just felt like it you hit ignition, and then stopped writing.

This was my favorite chapter 2. I wish this chapter wins so I can continue it and compete in the next round.

I voted this a 6... 5 wasn't enough, so I was forced to click one of your more interesting ads... let's hope you get at least a buck from that!!

this was my favorite! 5 5 5 5 5 5

Not only is your writing strong, but you do a very stealth job of enlightening us about both Nona and the therapist without banging us over the head with it. The details seem to come out organically and not as explanatory text. I loved this. And you leave us with enough intrigue to want to keep reading where it goes next.

I should not have read this chapter while I'm home alone. For whatever reason, the male voice on the line screaming "Honor thy mother and father" scared the hell out of me. I can just breathe a sigh of relief that it's 4:00 in the afternoon and still sunny outside.

Awesome job! I love your insight and writing style, and I see so many opportunities for a following chapter.

You caught my interest right away and kept it throughout the entire chapter.

I'm wondering where the dad is, since all we hear about is Franco, but other than that, I have no qualms!

Fantastic job!

And another fun note--my husband uses a CPAP machine, so I know just how un-sexy they can be ;)

yeah. those of us afflicted with wearing the mask...i mean, the Darth Vader fantasy only works once or twice really...

:-)

ooo--Something to keep in mind for tonight!

haha!

Good mash Nash! Very interesting take. I think one great thing is when the original author really identifies with the mash of someone else, which you seem to have nailed.

The story was great, the writing even better. The only problem I found with this story was the fact that the killer was somehow present in high school??? Perhaps the killer is a high school student or perhaps the daughters teacher? I don't know but something like that I guess is the only the thing that can actually work. Otherwise good job!

This was exceptional, I'm happier having read it. Bravo.

Congrats to your win Nash....

Congrats Nash!!

Thanks for the comments and the votes. Let's see if this thing can go 10 rounds. I look forward to reading the followups.

-- Nash

Great job, Nash. I knew it as soon as I read it. Thanks for all your feedback too. You are a non-judgemental gentleman and worthy to become a judge. Well done!

Congratulations, Nash!!! Great writing and just between you, me and the fence post....I was hoping you'd win so you could become a judge!!

Congrats!!! This chapter was amazing!!!!

Yea!!!!! I am so happy you won! This was my favorite chapter!

I wanted to be clever with my comment on your writing, but instead I’ll cut to the chase – You are an amazingly gifted and lucid writer. You actually inspired me to write.

I know I'm late getting to your story - I read it much earlier, but I was working my way through the chapters for level II starting from the bottom, and you were never near the bottom.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to do with this, but you've certainly given us a major plot twist that deserves attention. Congratulations on a well-deserved win!

The only negative thing I can think of to say is something I've said in other chapter critiques - a psychologist isn't necessarily going to have any pictures of a patient, unless they are pictures the patient wanted to give them. Nor do they generally have physical descriptions, or pretty much anything like you started the story with except as it relates to the presenting problem (why they come in in the first place.) Other than that, the file would be made up largely of session notes. Or other documents the patient feels is pertinent and gives to the doc.

Paige. So many questions leap to mind, and I think you're a rat for leaving us to figure out how the heck that man even managed to be in Paige's school in our security-minded times. Much less how he came to chose her. Off to ponder.

This was an excellent addition to the first chapter. The story succeeds in tying a familiar reality with a looming horror, something that can scare even the most casual audience.