Discussion of "The Unknown 3: Phantom Memories" by nashvillebecker

Another really entertaining and well written read Nash. very creative!

Very clean. I give it a 4.0 and applaud the direction you have moved in here.

Awww, man! I was hopin' you'd stay out of this round...lol. Not really. I love competition and the stiffer it is, the sweeter will be my victory!!! LOL. Yeah, I know, but don't tell anyone else, okay? Thanks! 4.5, dang it.

Nash, i have read some of your other stuff and was pretty impressed...this one is no different. Exciting, entertaining, definitely creative and moved in a nice direction...I have to echo writerwannabe - damn you for entering the contest! lol - just kidding of course, but very nicely done. 4.5 from me as well.

Really good. I loved how the flashback forecast the twist. Really well done, and the Mayor's character was also nicely done, too. 4.5/5.

Amazing in every way! Government conspiracy, husbands back from the dead! The winner in my book 5!
Chloe

Well I might be the first to write a comment that is not 100% positive! It is only about 95% positive. I loved the chapter - extremely well written, creative, imaginative, incorporates all components of the previous chapters including the supernatural and her history...amazing. I personally felt like the ending lacked suspense a little bit and started to explain and wrap things up a bit too much...given that there are still two chapters left. But I guess that just leaves it up to the rest of us to come up with a new little twist for Chapter 4! Overall certainly the chapter to beat. 4.5. Well done.

A powerful entry, Nash. I like Ms. B fighting back on the mayor, and the way you upped the child weirdness factor.
She keeps thinking on her feet, with the seatbelt and the cell phone - it's exciting.
Great flashback. (Corn in DeKalb. Priceless.)
Overall, fantastic! No wonder this is top-rated. 5

It's a good piece that has really upped the ante. I think I'll start to work on chapter 4:)

I liked the plot twist. In fact, I'd been considering using that particular one myself, and mulling over what that would be like while reading your story, and then at the end. Well, looks like I'm not using it. lol It advances the story well, and fits in with the other two chapters which came before. Good job.

You da man. 5.
Foo

This is a very powerful chapter nash. I can see this as a winner.

I really like how you brought out the fighter in her. I also liked the dialogue between her and Lockley. The chapter had a slightly different feel, but kept the creepy factor with the appearance of the busload of kids. I was very impressed with the history, though not quite sure I understood the “Pop-Corned” headline – maybe I’m a bit slow today…
This was an incredible chapter, and I love the angle you are going with.

I rate it a 4.9.

Wow Nash! Great back story, great twist. I almost don’t know what else to say… almost. Lockley seems non-human, the kids seem not real at all. Robert appears to be real. I suppose mystification is something I’ll just have to deal with at this stage in the story, but the kids ethereal arrival in a school bus seemed odd beyond the bounds of the story. Overall, I loved it though. Robert’s appearance was both unexpected and satisfying. Marvelous job!

Here are the notes I took while reading your piece:
Excellent style with an easy-to-read voice. The line ‘demanding an “Eh-Oh!” with no intent to demonstrate’ toward the beginning confused me. Demonstrate what?
The way you indicated Hiram’s dialogue by showing Ms. B obeying him (example: I was instructed to “Drive”) wore on me a bit by that one. The first time it was unusual and fun, but three so close together just didn’t work so well for me.
‘Phil the mailman’ sounds like the name of a character on a children’s show. A couple of commas (Phil, the mailman,) would show that you’re including ‘the mailman’ to indicate who Phil is, rather than it appearing to be part of his name.
‘Phantom field trip’ – I really like that description.
The part about her checking the seat to see if she could slam it back into him was a great detail, bringing a real spark to the character. Same for the threat to crash the car if he shoots - she’s always thinking on her feet!
I loved ‘corn in DeKalb’ and the ‘pink picnic.’
Maybe I’m slow, but the headline ‘POP-CORNED!’ looks like it’s supposed to be some sort of joke or play on words, and I’m just not getting it.
I laughed at the botox line – great!
The husband’s appearance was a great twist. Since the kids had been playing such a significant role so far, and had so little ‘screen time’ in this chapter, I’d have liked to hear more from Robert about what in the world ‘we’re doing it for the children’ is supposed to mean, but I suppose that leaves some good meat for the next chapter.
The kids surrounding the mayor and Ms. B, and making paths without really moving, was great, very creepy – however, then they just drove out of the crowd and there was nothing more with the kids after that. And Ms. B doesn't comment on this weirdness? Or ask Lockley about it, since it seems he knows more than she does?
The part where she contemplated opening the car door and rolling out, but decided not to, threw me a bit. She had bit a guy hard enough to break flesh while trying to get away from him, then tried to pretend not to know how to drive a manual, and then contemplated slamming the seat into him, or tricking him into putting his seatbelt on so she could get a jump on him... all of which seem to indicate she wants to get away. But when the opportunity finally comes, she decides she’s too curious and would rather remain under gunpoint to figure out what’s going on than escape. It just seemed a little too unnatural for her.
The previous two chapters both ended on a creepy note, and this one started on a creepy note, but left the creepiness behind when they left town. It felt like a roller coaster that started the ominous, clicking climb, but then dropped before it had gotten very far off the ground.
I give it a 4.2.

Great start--I'm hooked in immediately. Your writing style is very engaging and easy to read without being elementary. Your writing is also clean, grammatically speaking.

"Eh-Oh!"--what sound is this? I literally spent five minutes making Helen Keller sounds trying to figure out what this was.

I do love a woman who kicks ****, and I'm pleased that you've let Ms. B's name be added to that list.

I literally got chills when I realized that the approaching bus was a school bus, not the expected Greyhound.

You have a great way of writing visually. This is awesome and hard to master.

I especially enjoyed your writing in the paragraph that starts out "I complied."

"I'll stand a better chance of surviving a gunshot that you making it through the collision. Wouldn't that be ironic?" haha. Ms. B is smart AND funny.

"pink picnic"--cute. I have a feeling that you have personal experience with these.

Very good and necessary flashback. It definitely helped me to understand Ms. B's character better. I have to admit that I like that Ms. B was suspected for the accident. Nice touch.

I laughed out loud at the "dropping a few thousand on Botox" line.

Creepy ending with a great twist. I'm seriously impressed and can't wait to see what comes next.

Great job!

As all four judges have commented, I'll try to explain (read: justify) my intents. I never expect a judge to change a vote due to defense, which is why I rarely bother with the endeavor.

"Eh oh" is "Let Go!" I bit down on a mouthful of arm and tried several times - the L is inaudible and the G is barely discernable. Try it. As for no need to demonstrate, Ms. B had no intend to demonstrate how to let go. The POP CORNED! headline was an attempt to show how a small town in Iowa didn't have the world's best copy writers. Same goes for Phil the mailman. I take it Ms. B. doesn't get attached to past assignments, and the people have become characters with their identities tied into their jobs. Who's Phil? Why, it was Phil the mailman. (I used commas originally, then deleted them.) The ethereal busload of kids and driving through the sea - those were my attempts at upping the ante of the freakshow. I wasn't trying to make the Mayor superhuman, but he's definitely in the know and knowledge is power. Ms. B. doesn't ask Lockley about the kids because whatever she's asked has received no response. Escape seemed like it should be an option, but at chapter 3 of 5, there didn't seem enough room to turn the story into a hide-and-seek on top of everything else. I wanted to make the option viable but leave it unused. Apparently, the change of mind wasn't as smooth as intended. In retrospect, I should have had her think on her feet of a reason to not run.

Without seeing Honey's comments on Wolf's story, this round looks like a two horse race. (I could be wrong, Dog, but that's how I read it.) With the transparent votes, I'm down .3. I'm inferring I have the edge with Kat's vote. Honey's? Time will tell. Specifically, tomorrow.

Thanks to the judges for providing intelligent, usable feedback. This helps writers improve, both in general ability and in contest writing. (There is a difference.)

Good luck, Wolf. May we finish tied (as I checked the rules on the tiebreaker.)

-- Nash

Heh, now you made me hunt down the tiebreaker rules. (Top ranked story at time of contest deadline.) You inglorious bastard.

I wouldn't count Dog out of the running yet, as he and I are tied on the transparent votes. Guess we'll see tomorrow. Good luck to you too, Nash. And if you must finish second, I hope it's really, really close. -Wolf

Thanks for the clarifications, Nash. In honesty, I actually thought that the mayor was the one saying 'eh-oh' (that her actions had demanded it from him), which only added to my confusion. It may have been better to spell it out a bit more, but I see where you were coming from now.

Ah ha!!! Now I get it. Thanks for explaining the "Eh oh" to me. Now my arm has a bunch of spit on it, but it was worth trying out. ;)

That's hilarious~'eh oh'= 'AHH HA!'

Congrats, Nash! Well-deserved win on an awesome chapter!

Thanks. I learned something new tonight. I hate the sound of my own voice on the radio.

Congrats nash....

Congrats, Nash! Well done!

Way to go, nash!!!

Congrats. Well-deserved.

A well deserved selection! I thought this was a smooth, seamless transition from chapter two and along with eternal_flame, had it in my personal top two favorites. Congratulations my friend. The only bummer is now I wont be able to read entries from you for the up-coming chapters.

Congrats! I'm really glad you won, because I can't wait to see what her husband has to do with all this!