All Comments by nashvillebecker

Is it safe to admit I'm not a big reader?

Steve Martin (yes, the comedian) - Pure Drivel and Born Standing Up are brilliant, and he can run a narrative as Shopgirl and The Pleasure of My Company can attest.
I've finished about six of J. Kellerman's novels (Over the Edge, my fave). Two by Grisham (the Firm). A dozen by King (Misery and The Long Walk). Zelazny's Amber series. Douglas Adams, of course. For kids lit - Tedd Arnold (Parts), John Sciescka (Math Curse), of course Dr. Seuss and Shel Silverstein (Uncle Shelby's Book of ABZs - best book EVER). Complete comic strip anthologies of Bill Watterson, Gary Larson, Berkeley Breathed and Stephan Pastis. Marvel Comics of the late 80s (X-Men). Bill Simmons and DJ Gallo for idiotic sports columns. John Fischer for light, short Christian essays. Oh yeah - William Goldman for movie scripts. Listened to four Elmore Leonard books on CD (two good), if that counts.

This is the part where I'm supposed to include C.S. Lewis, Tolkein, and the other great fantasy stuff my mom read to me as a child. Unfornately, as I've never read any of it myself, I can't. Nor would my wife be pleased to learn that John Piper and J. Packer don't make the list. Thick words; I can't fight through them.

I made it a goal to read a book of most genres when I graduated college and went on the road. Romance, western, self-help, history, etc. I did not fulfill that goal.

I've re-gifted far more books than I've read, and those are books people buy because they think I'd like 'em. It's hard for me to find time to sit with a book. I'd rather be writing.

The next love letter has been posted.

-- Nash

Loved the start, djinn. Fantastic ground to work from: beautiful, unrequited admiration.

Second gear is up and spinning.

You know I'm a sucker for this kind of thing. I imagine everyone else is doing the contest, else they'd have looked here?

I have a request - I don't want to kick off this project. I'll happily take the two or three spot. Or, if I'm jumping into too many projects that other people want, by all means, fill my spot with someone else.

Any way to nudge the other projects into their next step? The HAC is finally closing, but there's been no movement in the Epic, Comedy or Sci-Fi in weeks if not longer.

-- Nash

I’m having issues determining the lead. Arthur narrates, but his approach is simply as an observer. It’s not his own story he’s telling. At first he claims it will be Daniel’s tale (ergo, the title), but thus far, it’s been focused more on Ismael. Ismael is interesting in an Aristotle-meets-the-Fisher-King kind of way, but I’m not sure if or where logic’s cuff gives way to magic’s secrets. He’s otherworldly, a Charles Xavier to this new breed of surface, vigilante Morlocks. But his dialog is so distant, so disconnected to Arthur, it’s as if his mind doesn’t entirely participate in the space where his body resides.

If that paragraph sounds a little pretentious, that’s the impression I got from the beginning of Daniel’s Tale. A cornucopia of characters has spilled, but there’s little significance for me to latch onto any of them.

I wish something happened. Lots of pomp, no circumstance yet. You have an extensive pallet of fascinating personalities to work with, but besides the early promise of a legend of a saint/friend/martyr?, I’m not sure if or where this is going.

I'm up for whomever taking the reins, so long as the stallion eventually rides gracefully into the sunset and trips over the horizon. Contact away!

I'd like to uphold my reputation for being the worst, thankyouverymuch. Chloe? Chloe? Bueller?

ShadowedPen - you back? Caught the fact you commented less than two weeks ago. Drop me a line: nashvillebecker at yahoo.com

Another chapter three, with no apologies to Rian, to Rainy Days and Mondays has been added.

Aw naw yo di-unt! Nice continuation; no apology necessary. Well done! I was curious how he ignored the intruder for so long, but alcoholism justifies many a hallucination. You captured his tone and attitude, and I believe it. Since it's no longer restricted to five chapters, the limited movement works. (I might've liked it pushed a bit further for the contest, but that's neither here nor there.) And I agree, the final Piffle works better with a question mark. Still, I enjoyed it - maybe I'll tagteam it next week if no one else jumps in. (4)

Dos nuevo chapteros on los penguinos estas alli.

It's difficult taking a kernel's temperature, what with the microwave popping thermometers and whatnot.

A helpful mnemonic device:

Pudding is gooding.
But jello is hello-to-the-end-of-the-world-if-you're-not-careful-don't-say-you-weren't-warned.

(It's easier to pronounce in haiku.)

Unless I'm mistaken, the final lineup for Red is now Me, OSim, Silver, Cheese, Chloe, Wolf, Foo and Beanpole. Is that correct?

Chloe? You back?

Wow. Pardon me, but wow.

New chapter on Penguin is up.

I'll be the first to offer congratulations. Well done.

Perse -

Throw me an email: nashvillebecker@yahoo.com

There is an advantage to publishing early in a contest as well. Presents a better chance of being on the front page, getting viewed and voted, and staying near the top. 'Course, the story has to merit the high votes. I say this because contrary to those who claim later stories are punished, they're not. It's accurate to say they don't have the same advantage, but there's no "punishment." The advantage to publishing late is it only requires a few 5.0 votes (and none to the contrary) to skyrocket up the charts and sabotage a spot at the last second. Add four 5.0 votes to mine and my score barely flinches. Add four 5.0 votes to a brand new submission and congratulations, you've made the top ten. A [cheap] benefit of last-minute strategy, but again, no punishment to those of us who submitted early.

That's probably why SM doesn't post at what time UST the polls close. Hopefully this issue will be remedied by the next contest.

BPW: a spot opened up in my Red project and I thought you could tackle it with aplomb, apeech and (if the need arose) awaturmellon. It's not on the immediate horizon, but I hope you'll fill the vacancy. What say you?

.1? It's always the Yugoslavian judge, complaining because I don't trim my eyebrows to their liking. Piffle. (Congrats again, Wolf.)

Not taken wrong. Not offended. First numbered point was a joke. Evermore inclined to leave less and less feedback. I appreciate the time you took - I know what that entails. You have as much right to dish it as anyone on the site - nature of the beast. It's why I finally cracked and wrote my soapbox piece. May do you well to do the same so you can aim people at your logic without unintentionally offending others.

Is it tomorrow yet?

I'm not commenting any more on this piece unless direct questions are asked. In fact, unless otherwise requested, I think I'm altogether done commenting for this round.

Perse:

1. Go to hell. Pick up my mail while you're there, wouldja? I forgot to leave my forwarding adress.
2. No need to exert yourself with every nit. I'm content to hear "inconsistent verb tense" and leave it there. Seems you're exerting too much energy. Mainly what I want feedback on is story flaws. I'd argue some of the grammar fixes above, but several are accurate and some entail writer's license. I have Strunk & White but I don't reference it.
3. While I'd love to have produced many published works, it hasn't happened yet. Writing is the easy part for me; marketing/selling is a bitch.
4. Count on me as a friend? How 'bout we call it "respected peer" and leave it there for now? I like your work (still think your roller coasters tend to be too much freefall and not enough recovery time).
5. And this is for everyone: listen to ALL feedback you get. Select how you want to change and improve your current piece or future stories.

I especially appreciate how you are one of the few who's bold enough to list her votes and the accompanying reason(s). Rainy Days has accumulated over 30 votes and (including mine) 13 comments. Doing the math, I can tell I've received some particularly low votes. You don't like it? Fine. Explain why. If you merely torpedo stories without reading them... well hell, then you're not reading this comment either.

Good luck to all in the contest. I eagerly await this round to be over.

The moniker says Nashville.
The hometown and upbringing was Philadelphia.
The weight is lifted.
The wait is over.
The euphoria is back for the first time in 28 years. Nice to finally remember the feeling.
The Phillies are champs!

(And to any naysayers, I don't care what you say about the umps, the weather, the fans, or anything. A new - overdue - trophy resides in Philadelphia.)

May I be the first to congratulate you on finding San Diego housing for less than $100/month. Heh.

While the scores only show one decimal place, they extend further. One 4.0 may be 4.0375 while another is 4.0125. If more than one story has the same number of votes (say 2) and the same score (3.9), dunno how they handle that kind of tie. I suspect it'd go random if it had to select multiple stories with the same vote. (If it's alphabetical, I'm changing all my titles to "Aaron's Adventures.")

I wonder if the majority would prefer to win or prefer a "fair" contest. Fair is a subjective term. We're all under the same rules. As always, I recommend voting honestly and transparently, as that at least removes some of the confusion.

"Winning authors will be paid $100 USD within 8 weeks of the end of the contest."

(http://storymash.com/blog/2008/06/18/storymash-mash-cash-contest-5-rules/)

Unless things are expedited, I expect that means shortly before Christmas.)

For starters, get rid of your prologue. It’s a cheat and it doesn’t benefit the story. If a reader wants to get an idea of what your story is about, let them read it. If you need to say that somewhere, use it for your preview. But as it stands, it gives away your plot before I begin reading your story. Remove it.

I would’ve liked more vivid details of the graffiti. Show me the dragon with a tail tattooed with gang signs. Show me LOOFAZ in kaleidoscope colors, and the straight black letters by an amateur. Show pimpin Goofy with a fat one teaching Pluto a thing or two about the style of dogs. I’ve not spent any time in Nebraska, but I’ll assume this is Omaha? Is graffiti rampant there? Are there gangs?

I wasn’t entirely captivated with the suspense in the tunnel. A little disoriented, but mostly confused. Darkness, voices transforming into vibrations, quakes, tingling, burning, some incarnation of a panic attack? Yes, it becomes something more (which I assume will be further explained in future chapters), but I didn’t feel the same urgency/imminent danger Jo did. There’s weirdness when the moment subsides, but emotions could be elevated to create a stronger situation. The woman’s face was hideous and accusatory? So show me a confrontation!

I think the graffiti reminded me too much of New York, where people wouldn’t follow others home and into their houses – not altruistically, anyway. I’ve been in the south for eleven years now, and while the atmosphere is different here (and I assume it would be in the Midwest), I’m not convinced how realistic it would be to convene in Jo’s kitchen. They seem very friendly. Emergencies can unite strangers, but without the heightened sense of danger/salvation/something, I’m not seeing the motivation to connect. “We knew. Whatever happened had changed us. We could feel it. We were different.” Show, don’t tell.

As for Jo’s special power... I’m confused what it is. She knows names. The whole quartet does. Unusual premonitions? An overdeveloped sixth sense of direction? There’s plenty of time to explain it later, but as the initial bang, it’s neither scary nor cool as a “superpower.” It’s just kinda there. Apparently, all four has a similar ability – I hope something in the future will better explain the reason. Fumes from fresh paint and bad air circulation? Government testing?

I think you’ve a solid premise; with some fine tuning and sharpening, it could be a fantastic story. It’s only chapter 1, so it’s still pre-fantastic at this stage. (3)

As a possible fix for the gender, ...grown accustomed to my early morning appearances. I saluted a finger to my forehead, offered, "Mornin' Pete." Something that clarifies who's speaking. I thought the janitor said it before the lead responded "Morning, Ms. B." It's not huge, but I stumbled too.

What I admire most is the creepiness. Sure, Ms. B (Rachel?) works for the feds to uncover corruption. At the same time, I felt moments where I wondered if "To Catch a Predator" was coming to her house. Teachers inviting students to come alone? Icky. Provided an unexpected and heavy twist. Also added dimension to the death threat; has she committed some crime herself? (Reread: "the powder I kept on hand for my students." and "I filled Jake's cup, choosing to wait until it whistled to fill mine.") Yuck.

I like the angles left open and Rachel's haunting history. Great opener. (4.5)

In the event this wasn't simply written as a contest entry (or if it doesn't win), I'd be interested reading further in future chapters. I like your style.

Solid job working the senses; wish I could go back and undo the images of Eddie and the unflushed toilet. Made me throw away a perfectly good Tootsie Roll I'd swiped from a Halloween candy basket.

I admire the fact that he's most frustrated at the noggin-knock after conceding his wallet. Would've been nice to see some effect besides nausea from the five quick shots. Some more interaction with the bartender or grey-hair down the bar. I'm not sure who (or why) he's trying to impress, or why he's so crushed about Julie. Maybe I missed some hints?

The last three paragraphs tell instead of show - use the first sentence of the last paragraph and scrap the rest for a stronger leave.

I like the alcoholic lead character, his beginnings of a struggle toward recovery, and the mystery of the phone number. If only I could get the taste of puke out of my mouth...

(3.5)

I'll provide some clapping. Fun start. Strange how the zombie's(?) eyes were sightless, but that leaves a nice avenue for backstory. Bobby must have quite a past, and I'm intrigued to find out why he left NY for Bumscrew, MO.

(Sidenote: I find it funny that most of the readers here weren't alive in 1978; s'pose that makes this historical fiction?)

Why is Bobby so caught up in time? Thirty minutes for his morning routine, three seconds too late to answer Richie's bang-bangs, ten seconds to traverse twenty feet (traveling two feet per second doesn't seem that impressive to me, mistype?). Dunno if/how he was indeed caught up in the mafia, but I'd like to find out.

The move from toast to locking the front door was abrupt and a bit disorienting. And I'm unsure why Bobby would choose Onionville or befriend Richie. Thus far, he doesn't display any affinity toward either (besides the fascination with the truck).

Good set up, good leave. Good job. (4)

As many of the suggestions above span considerably wider than Contest #6, I recommend this discussion be moved to the Forum under the Contest section.

First, I wholeheartedly concur that life would be easier with an "opt in" for the contests. If not by creating a new area (like Wolfram suggested) your solution of adding (Contest) beside the title would work. This would limit the myriad of entries that weren't/aren't intentional. Posting a new story within a timeframe should not mark it as eligible; posting a contest entry should.

I also agree with a specified word count. I'd say have a basement and a ceiling: 1500-2000, if you want. That's a two-page window to squeeze into. If it needs to be expanded, fine, but list the requirement.

I don't know how to set it so every entrant would be evaluated. The contests are free to enter and I'd think the judges should be compensated for doing work. Evaluations take time and effort. If StoryMash wanted to use an entry fee for the contests, that could work. Deduct the $1.00 [arbitrary amount] from the amount earned through the site. On the downside, this would eliminate first-timers from entering and winning contests. The fact that SM pays winners and doesn't charge entry fees is fairly unique. To evaluate every entrant, that might need to change.

Writers should be allowed to submit only one entry for the contest with a window (a week?). Choose your best. With some authors submitting a dozen new stories in one day, the current system makes judging every entry impossible. Edit it, rewrite it, do whatever you need to do, but for the contest, you shouldn't receive the benefit of "revised - revised v. 2 - revised with happy happies." You want to get feedback from readers before the contest, help yourself. Pick your absolute paramount chapter, fix it as well as you can, and submit it. Got two? Fantastic! You now have one for the next contest.

With the collaborative nature of the site, I think the #-chapters-by-different-authors format is solid, but the opening round becomes the impossible one. It's too open. To solve that, set a base chapter (like the Projects). It can be written by an employee or anonymously, and should not be awarded any prize money. That will provide a basis for judges to work from, rather than saying "anyone write any fiction and you'll all get [hopefully valuable] feedback." Some judges may not know/want to participate in sci-fi, others in conspiracy plots, others in teenage love stories. (For those who base their plots on adolescent-robot-Illuminati groups, I salute you.)

Expertly crafted piece here. Evokes emotion, provides real interaction, demonstrates a believable view inside her six-year-old mind. (I have a five-year-old at home, and I'm not sure he'd string together his thoughts so logically, but Amanda's age still feels feasible.) Reminded me of Cinderella, sans the stepsisters.

My only difficulty is I'm waiting for an inciting event. The characters and setting are brilliantly set, but - you've got a beautiful car with a key in the ignition that hasn't turned. Would've loved to hear the engine and see it out on the road more.

(3.5)

It said... "It's too early to leave the chapter!"

This was a teaser for a teaser, the Batman insignia six months before the movie's release and three months before commercials aired on TV, the cheese-ketchup drips you lick from your fingers before actually biting into the burger. I like the first-person schitzo narrator and there's plenty of potential, but the story hasn't started yet. A few more paragraphs and you have a beginning. Right now, it's merely a "be."

You know I love your openers, Sells, but you clicked the Submit button too early this time. (2.5)

UE: May I suggest you copy and paste this to go into the Forums? Well-conceived. I considered doing a chapter two and using the forums to set this up as "Future Contest Central," but I think you'd get more views/feedback in the other location.

First, I wholeheartedly concur that life would be easier with an "opt in" for the contests. If not by creating a new area (like Wolfram suggested) your solution of adding (Contest) beside the title would work. This would limit the myriad of entries that weren't/aren't intentional. Posting a new story within a timeframe should not mark it as eligible; posting a contest entry should.

I also agree with a specified word count. I'd say have a basement and a ceiling: 1500-2000, if you want. That's a two-page window to squeeze into. If it needs to be expanded, fine, but list the requirement.

I don't know how to set it so every entrant would be evaluated. The contests are free to enter and I'd think the judges should be compensated for doing work. Evaluations take time and effort. If StoryMash wanted to use an entry fee for the contests, that could work. Deduct the $1.00 [arbitrary amount] from the amount earned through the site. On the downside, this would eliminate first-timers from entering and winning contests. The fact that SM pays winners and doesn't charge entry fees is fairly unique. To evaluate every entrant, that might need to change.

Writers should be allowed to submit only one entry for the contest with a window (a week?). Choose your best. With some authors submitting a dozen new stories in one day, the current system makes judging every entry impossible. Edit it, rewrite it, do whatever you need to do, but for the contest, you shouldn't receive the benefit of "revised - revised v. 2 - revised with happy happies." You want to get feedback from readers before the contest, help yourself. Pick your absolute paramount chapter, fix it as well as you can, and submit it. Got two? Fantastic! You now have one for the next contest.

With the collaborative nature of the site, I think the #-chapters-by-different-authors format is solid, but the opening round becomes the impossible one. It's too open. To solve that, set a base chapter (like the Projects). It can be written by an employee or anonymously, and should not be awarded any prize money. That will provide a basis for judges to work from, rather than saying "anyone write any fiction and you'll all get [hopefully valuable] feedback." Some judges may not know/want to participate in sci-fi, others in conspiracy plots, others in teenage love stories. (For those who base their plots on adolescent-robot-Illuminati groups, I salute you.)

-- Nash

Fact I have never voted on a comment. If yours goes into negative scores, it's not because of me.

Fact: I have always showed the vote when I vote. I practice what I preach. If you choose not to, that's your business. But please don't "karma" me; that's a load of crap.

Fact: I have one login. Never used another.

Fact: I didn't log on yesterday. If something happened to you, Dwayne, whatever that may be, I don't know what it is. Though I've read some of your other work, I haven't voted on anything you've written besides the one round of TSNK.

UE: Yes, there are a variety of ways to cheat. I listed the ones I thought of in an email to Katrina months ago. I don't cheat. If you don't like the system, go. Please. There are plenty of writer's sites on the internet. If StoryMash doesn't meet your needs, find one that does.

I hate this atmosphere of petty bickering and bitterness. I don't know if it's because this is an election year that people feel the need to spout off and accuse, but if that's the case, I can't wait for this season to be over. It's annoying. It's immature. It's unnecessary.

If you don't like the structure of the contests, don't participate. If you don't like team sports, stick to tennis or golf. I do trust people on here are generally nice, UE, and I've not lashed out at you. But I have read several of your comments that demonstrate your unhappiness with the site. You've threatened to leave on more than one occasion. Yet you continue returning to complain. I respect your entry on how you would run a contest. I'd have my own set of rules and guidelines if I set one up too. But it's not my site.

I've endured torpedo votes, **** accusations, whining that my perspective is unfair and cruel. Okay. They'll continue. I held first place in earlier contests only to see my score crashed anonymously. That sucked. I'd love it if there was transparency in voting. But there isn't, yet, and I don't know that there ever will be. Fine.

Please. Stop. Bitching. You're all welcome to think I'm a pompass windbag ****, but at least I'm an honest one. While that eliminates any hope for me in politics, the contests are still up for grabs.

I'm nashvillebecker and while I approve this message, I regret ever feeling the need to write it.

Another perspective:

Think of a story as sculpture. There are two basic methods to create a scultpure. Either you can construct a piece from objects or masses (scenes, characters, lines of dialogue), adding more until you reach the final product; or you can carve away at a block of stone/clay/ice/wood until you reach your desired destination. All pieces have to start with the building process - you have to make sure you have the right characters for your plot. Establish them, put together your framework. Pack on more substance until you have your story told, whatever amount that entails. Tell your story. If it won't fit with a particular contest, you have two options. Tell another story that might, or pare it down. If you're limited to 500 words and you write 3,000, you probably want a different contest. Sometimes, instead of cutting and cutting, it's best to amputate the head of a statue and concentrate on only it's facial features. Was the body - the torso/legs/base important? Sure. But you have a great story (that fits the word limit) dealing with the face.

All stories should have some cutting/sanding/buffing/trimming before they're published. There are words that don't help. Redundancies. Extranneous events that might be nice in director's cuts of movies, but that don't make the final revision. Lines that sound wonderful, but don't contribute to the action. There's always something to trim. And something to add. And trim. The true skill of an artist is knowing when you have the final product.

In here, self-contained, full stories in one chapter are rare, so word count isn't as important. Focus on your story and write well.

I realize this may be counterproductive, as it's just as easy to vote me down as anyone else, but I think there _should_ be an advantage to publishing early. Want more votes? Give your story more chances to be seen. That doesn't prevent sabotage because someone once had a miserable experience in Nashville (or got peeved at my comments), but within the confines of the contest, I'd say that's fair. There's nothing stopping you from creating multiple logins at others' computers and voting yourself 5s a dozen times. There are plenty of ways to cheat. The best we can do is uphold our own, self-perpetuated honor system.

I've always been a proponent of transparency in voting, so if you want to put your money where your mouth is, announce your votes when you make them. Preferably backed up with appropriate comments. Think something's worth a 2? Say why. Think it's worth all 5? Justify it. I don't vote on much, but for those I do, I will always include it at the end of my comment. Sometimes that leaves me open for retaliation, sure. I'm willing to risk that.

Good luck to all in the contest. May the ten entries of the best quality reach the judging round. And if yours requires extra time to reach that level, better off starting on it now.

-- Nash

I'm not falling for that again. It took me three and one-sevenths months to paint these freckles as an exact replica of the Constellation-Lation Constellation (in the echo quadrant) across the bridge of my nose. Nope.

Bean: You adding another, or have you relegated yourself to observer status?

There are reasons I won't do back-to-back chapters, many of which are I don't know how to follow myself. (I had no ideas how to use the objects.) It's also one of the reasons I started Le Blog D'Uselessness, where you get to assign three variables per chapter. Eventually I hope to return to that storyline too.

There are worse obstacles to overcome than a distaste for swearing. If that's your situation, try finding other ways to express it than speaking. Easy options: (1) I cursed my predicament. (2) "Son of a..." (3) I kicked a nearby toolbox out of frustration, but my newly stubbed toe only made my mind scream more. There's usually an alternative. This'll become especially difficult should Shooter resurface. That woman's got a mouth on her.

So who's up next? I want to watch for a few.

Pig Latin should really be much easier to rhyme than it is. But it isn't.

Liked the structure, the action, and the outcome. Solid leave. My only nit is "Crumb!" The way she shot the poop with Shooter in "From Shooter to Ducky," it's established Julie's vocabulary wouldn't merit a PG rating. I'm not a fan of using obscenities for their own sake - should you check, you'll notice I don't use 'em in several of my starting chapters. But when I'm writing a character someone else invents, I abide by their setup. While I liked the rest of the chapter (way to utilize the objects in Bill's bag), "Double crumb!" yanked me right out of the story.

Once again, the inner debate continues: do I ignore my hesitance to comment? Will this lead to more people soliciting critiques, or will there be a new addition to the Thin Skinned Back Patters? Hmm.

First off, the nits:

Spell out seven. Spell out numbers up to twenty, unless you're dealing with time or a specific list. He's a seven-year-old.

Verb tense: avoid "were falling" and "were clinging." Fell. Clung. Utilize the power of your words.

Ellipses used rarely (or better) aren't distracting. Replace yours with commas - excepting the last, done for cliffhanger purpose (I'm not a fan there either, but that's a taste preference).

You set it up that today is the day for Kyle's monthly beating. Apparently, it's questionable whether or not today is that day. (At least it hasn't happened yet - if you're intentionally foreshadowing, don't forget to follow through.)

You appear to have figured out how to split paragraphs in your second chapter. I'll leave that there.

Structure aside, I like Toby. I don't understand why he endures beatings, instructing Kyle to avoid his face and arms as if he enjoys the punishment. Why develop a tolerance? Okay, he's not an ordinary kid. Is he a masochist? Is Kyle more specific than the neighborhood bully?

I would've liked more description of Toby. Neck pain, deliberate abuse, keeping a secret - I'm unsure whether this is more "Narnia" or "Pan's Labyrinth."

Some great details - mom was unhappy when his pants got dirty, faux-limping for six blocks.

I'll elaborate on the second chapter here too; stop reading this if you check out comments before reading chapters.


I love the intricacies within Quercus: building acorns, sewing the leaves' veins, conveyor belts and elevators. Really wanted descriptions of the characters; Chap is short and....? Robur and Phellos look like...?

I enjoy the comfort Toby has with Quercus, but as a reader, I need to understand the familiarity better. How'd he find it? Why did the citizens accept him? How long has he been going there? These don't all need to be immediately answered, but bringing in a conflict with the Acer people seems sudden. You're rushing the story where it could be beneficial to better paint the landscape and the leads first.

(Another nit concerning names: Phellos is too close to "phallus" and that's how I kept reading it. I suppose people go by "Dick" or "Willie" and nobody thinks anything of it, but Phellos isn't yet commonplace enough for me to overlook it. Chipmannii is hard to say/hear, which is fine in a book, but hard to hear in my reading mind. I once had an alien named R'nkha, which looked different on the page, but no one could discuss him.)

You have some good ideas and loads of potential to take your Mr. Tumnus/Fraggles/Quercian population all kinds of places. Pace yourself. Don't bank on surprises, but tell the story as it occurs. Good luck.

-- Nash

I'm all for the original volunteers to finish out the chapter, but looking at profiles, I notice Jackofalltrades and JTW381 haven't logged on since September 12, and JeremyD hasn't since September 26. Chloe's going to be away for the next 10 days. I propose her keeping her spot in line, and using the time of her absence to have members of the aforementioned trio comment here to let us know they're still on StoryMash. If there's no response (10 days should be sufficient time), open it up to new volunteers. That fly with you, Honey?

-- Nash

A quality win, especially for someone who spells his name with an "M." Congrats.

Curiosity: how many of these "novels" have you written now, and are any of them worth going back and editing into something someone would want to read?

I'm all for slam writing and hitting word counts, but only if the end product is worthwhile. I'm debating the commitment of a month o' writing hardcore - ditching any other projects, I suspect - but it's not worth sacrificing the time if I end with Nashville J. Becker, Esquire's very, very, very humble example of an exceptionally long and wordy novel that no one, even those with too much expendable time on their otherwise soft hands (that's what they get for not building callouses on their fingers contributing their own fifty-thousand word novels) would ever, ever, in a billion, zillion years would bother making the effort to read.

(109 words in that useless block, by the way)

Interesting angle, on two fronts:

1. Your song lyrics flesh out nicely into this intro, also providing a path for future contributors to follow. I wonder, if the story evolves differently, whether or not the lyrics will change as well?

2. Setting up an erotica chapter? If no one bites (pun semi-intended), will you continue it yourself? Dunno that I've seen an adult chapter on a storyline that didn't originate in that genre.

On to the story:

The first three paragraphs are unnecessary backdrop that could be integrated later. Skip 'em and begin with the Mexican street. Adds a twinge of suspense as to why Jeb's there.

El talko con el gringo esta believable-o. Bueno jobbo.

Would've liked a little more description of Anita (or any of them) than "very pretty, very young." Borders on 18, and that creates a nasty case of the ickies. Is that what you're shooting for? The whole cantina could've had more dimension - you described the architecture more than the people. I'm more interested in the people.

All in all, solid set up, strong hanger, and different (for SM) angle than most. Wonder if LaMexicanita is still reading and if she'd be up for continuing the line. (Not necessarily adult; there are other ways this could run...)

(3.5)

Important note: All gnats are, in fact, the size of football players; it merely depends on what type of football you refer to. The American, tackling variety includes the species Butkus Gnaticus, whereas the rest of earth's futbol tends towards the phylum Gnattum Renaldom. Leaving the confines of our oxygen/nitrogen rich atmosphere, foutbail expands from the Pee Wee leagues of Glaudulum Seventeen (where kicking field goals over twenty parsecs earns an extra squiff) to the All-Galactic ShowGnats, who care more about the audience than the outcome of the game. This wouldn't be such a bad thing, excepting the fate of their home planet relied on them beating the fierce overdogs Phi Bambi JambaJuice. Unfortunately, PBJ beat the AGS and overtook their steroid mines. Ergo: bacne. Tragic, really.

Made the mistake of once farming my own Fragulan bearcats. Didn't feed them the proper pepperoni/styrofoam hybrid and relegated myself to selling them via dBay, eBay's inferior stepcousin. Completely regrettable, had I not utilized the experience to learn a valuable lesson: If you can talk others into committing the same errors you commit, laughing at their misfortune is sweeter than regular laughter. (Still doesn't smell half as sweet as the proper flatulence, though.)

Two more Penguin chapters added, #4 by BPW, #6 by me. It may look like #5, but it's not.

In Chase's defense, the mattress tag would've come off anyway somewhere mid-flight. I say viva la revolucion!

Published an addition to beanpolewatson's "How to Speak Penguineese and Interstellar Poultry Ettiquitte." Fun story.

I may have to hitchhike onto this storyline, BPW. You have a fan: me. You may also have an air conditioner, but if you're in the northern hemisphere, you may not need to use it again for the next few months. And I've never been mistaken for an air conditioner. Cold, yes. A blowhard, yes. A mechanical box with filters and window mounts? Not yet, but there's still time.

Rock -

I'm going to attempt to be diplomatic and kind, which (as you're aware) aren't two of my strongest suits.

1. You're right. I ignored your entry. I ignore anything with (draft) on it. I also prefer ignoring (revised) entries, as I hope people spend the time reading their work to correct mistakes, locate holes and fill them, unite their storylines cohesively, and solidify their chapters. It was within the rules of the contest to rewrite and revise as many times as you wish before a deadline and when I judged, I only read eligible entries, not past (or future) incarnations.

2. Self-depracation won't carry you very far. Trust me on this; I know firsthand. Create work you're proud of and don't compare it before you finish. Maybe you're right and you wouldn't stand a chance - there are some remarkable contestants this round - but giving up halfway through because you have no chance? You're cheating everyone, including yourself.

3. Force your boundaries to stretch - this was a vastly different exercise than any of the middle chapters, which was a vastly different exercise than Perse's writing her starter. Composing an ending requires using different writing muscles.

4. I was writing for my jr. high and high school lit mags (rags), influenced and inspired by Alfred Hitchcock Mystery Magazine. Had I stuck with it consistently, I'd be a considerably better writer than I am now. Take advantage of your early start. Play with the big boys. Roll with the punches and don't throw the white flag. Grow callouses; as a writer, you'll need 'em.

Good luck with your endeavors. I know you dropped out of this and Red, and I'm not sure if you're following through on Giant Rock. Don't quit on yourself.

Lastly, don't invest too much value in pompass windbags like myself. We all have crosses to bear and mine is a vicious superiority complex that occasionally flips its ugly head. Enjoy the writing. Enjoy the final product. Enjoy the comments, good and bad. And let the chips fall from the buffalo.

-- Nash

To poorly quote a great routine: "Who's on Fourth?" Rock or Cheese?

For that matter, has JeremyD or JTW visited the site? Momentum helps sustain interest.

Nice bang to enter. I actually expected to see some spaceship creating the lights and aliens busting down the door, what, with Van Tassel's former abduction. You created and maintained suspense and I look forward to reading more.

(Should this be re-posted as a mash on the Giant Rock start on the project page?)

CoC grew again. I'm to blame.

This seems as good a place to post as any...

I've read all the final entries for chapter 10 - good variety, strong executions within several approaches to solving the story. Major kudos to Foo, Wolf, Agg, Shad, Hand, and me for investing research time and creative energies to mold some fantastic endings, thereby relieving at least one of my major concerns of the site: lack of endings. Encourages me to see stories can fulfill their potential to merge styles and minds (authors and, in this case, characters).

I hope this leads to other stories achieving strong conclusions instead of hanging in limbo forever.

Another potential site improvement would be an area for completed mashes, published (at least on-line). To avoid the confusion of which chapters were continued, rebuild the 10 winners into one string that can't be edited/added.

Congrats to the eventual winner of round 10. I had fun contributing and hope [however many entrants] did too.

-- Nash

CoC is up for grabs until Monday, as I installed my last chapter for the week a moment ago.

What a commercial! This reads like a teaser - read the real story to find out what happened. It contains a bombardment of shallow information to hook someone, but there's no real payoff. Like a commercial.

I wish there was a scene of the BIMI's unveiling in the late 19th century. Or present day kids chucking stones at pigeons on the statues. Or Dr. Benji testing how deep the human psyche can dive. Or a character sketch on Hope Gerard, showing (not telling) her motivation. You listed the ingredients for a fulfilling meal, but you stopped there. Crack that first egg and get cooking.

Two quick nits: (1) February 29 never happened in 2001. (2) "to look death in the face" has no merit at this stage. That would be like me jumping in my morning shower and fighting the fight of my life. If you use the biggies now without justification, they'll have no power if/when you need 'em.

-- Nash

I'm far from rich, earning just over $2/month here. Josh's assessment that the money doesn't matter should be taken to heart.

I've found the best way to have people read my stories is threefold:

1. Interact. Make comments. The more effort you put into it (beyond "Nice job," which says nothing), the better chance of that author coming back and reading your entry. Some people take this to an extreme and bash or self-promote in comments for others' stories; please don't. Voting isn't nearly as important as quality feedback.

2. Hitchhike. Take a ride in someone else's car. In other words, continue stories by "established" authors. Some of the newer contributors here are very kind, and I expect they'd check out your entries if you added something worthwhile on theirs. The most fun I've had with SM is the collaborative aspect.

3. Write quality. Have a hook, bang out something clean and intriguing, create quirky and deep characters, twist your plot, achieve a voice, and leave readers wanting more. This should've been first, but I'm not editing my comments.

There are other methods of increasing readership, but they don't thrill me nearly as much:

4. Write controversy pieces. Title something: YOU'RE ALL IDIOTS and spend your story complaining.

5. Create a chapter on ways to improve the site. Those tend to get lots of comments. I expect, with the forum, it's not as feasible anymore, but it'd still work if you have innovative ideas.

6. Enter Contests. Automatic readership? Voila! If that's your goal, there you go. I'd say joining a project is a better idea, and if they're already filled up, create your own.

In my experience, this site isn't nearly as much about moneymaking as it is about exposure. (Now if you'll pardon me, I need to fix my zipper.)

(Lastly, I checked and you've made 7 comments in over two months. Quality can rise to the top, but it's easier when you get your name out there. Re-see #1.)

I'm sure Gondy wouldn't mind; it's his parents fault for making his name so confusing.

Brilliant move making the CoC a subsidiary of a larger conspiracy organization.

I love how the characters make less sense as the story makes more. Ducky, a bigwig? Exactly the level of illogic required to keep this unbelievable plot on track. Well done.

Does this put me back on the clock, or is someone else tapping in?

Seems we're all having fun developing the characters and stalling to see who'll blink first and send her headlong into the action. As you previously indicated, Julie was getting passed around from weirdo to weirdo; this time, Shooter is better defined. (There's a heart underneath that Swastica?)

I like the way CoC is [un-]organized. I look forward to seeing how all the characters will come into play once the wheel gets it's big spin. (Considering your title, I expected to meet Ducky.)

Well written; keeping it interesting. Let's kick it up a notch or twenty-two.

I know when I've been outdone. Wish I read yours before investing my time in mine. Ah well, live and learn.

When I came in, I saw four challenges I wasn't sure how to answer. I had ideas on tackling other issues, but these bugged me.

1. Why is Franco a Guardian? How can I prevent that from feeling hokey?
2. What happened to Methra as Sun Goddess? (Same follow up as Q1)
3. Is Silent's motivation really that Charlie said he couldn't mental-tap Adara? That's the best reason for him to be a two-year psionic serial killer?
4. Why the Ten Commandments motif at all? Have mind-games taken center stage to the point where the Thou Shalt Nots are an afterthought?

I tackled 1, bypassed 2, and flirted with 3 and 4, elevating Jimmy's god complex as something of an explanation/motivation. Why specifically Adara/Paige? Good question.

Style may outdo substance in some areas, Agg, but I can admit when I've been topped. I won't submit a version 2; I read the other chapters and I don't believe it's fair to incorporate (consciously or subconsciously) others' solutions into my work.

Thanks for the comments. There are areas I would've preferred seeing the story evolve differently, but (1) I'm welcome to create those paths myself, and (2) more importantly, I'm pleasantly impressed at the final result. There are good chapters to choose from for the finale; after minimal, last-minute entries for the last few rounds, that was a concern. (Not to say those weren't quality, but there were moments I feared no one wanted to submit a chapter.)

I'll try to check out some of your other stuff, Agg. See if I can't bounce something back.

-- Nash

Good call, Cheese. With the initial plot, Julie seemed a victim of circumstance, so passing her around to add to the confusion seemed reasonable. But yeah, I can see how it feels like stalling. Chapter after next (as I'm trying to avoid back-to-beckers), I'll make sure to do something about that.

I don't buy into the life-is-awful-so-suddenly-I'm-a-badass transformation so common in movies/stories. She may have the instinct change, but I see no reason for someone who hasn't shot before to master a gun under an afternoon's tutilege by Nazi Mama.

You up to tapping into the storyline? I'm trying to finish a finale for TSNK, then I'll follow Gay Prez. (Now I need to find out who that band is...)

-- Nash

I missed the boat for this one, but is anything happening with Giant Rock? Usually big projects go a couple chapters before fizzling out. Everyone too busy submitting contest entries and chapter 10s?

CoC has two more chapters.

Wow, six months into the site and this is the first story you deem mashworthy? I'm flattered. Nice touch. Brief, but consistent. You a one-hit wonder, or have you plans to make further contributions?
(3)

I tagged ConsOnCall again. And after three chapters in two days, I'll see you folks again next week.

Yes and no. Now I'm more curious than ever to see how someone else would approach it.

At the end of "Torture," Ben has the knife, Sam is attacking a helpless Kate, and... beyond whether or not the 9-1-1 call is answered (which would provide a too-convenient hero, depending on their timing), there's not a whole lot of mystery left. How do Ben and Kate escape with their lives? What would slowing it down provide besides prolonging the torture? I think the deliberate pacing worked well to create suspense earlier, but at this stage - unless Ben wanted to instigate a cat-and-mouse chase (which seems unlikely considering the end of "Torture"), it required action. Perhaps not an ending, but the "let's subdue this mofo so he has the chance to do this again instead of killing him" always feels hokey.

Currently, we know so little about any of the characters - what inspires Ben to heroism? Why does/did Kate jog alone? Is Sam serial or had he tracked Kate? Why Sam's madness? Who are they? Year/major/skills/background/motivation...

I would very much like to read a slower, more deliberate alternative that maintains my attention without slogging. Whatcha got?

-- Nash

P.S. Thanks for caring when you critique and not simply throwing out "good job" or "this is crap."

As mentioned in the forums, mine is merely one ending. Others are welcome to string it another direction. One of my sizeable concerns about the site has been lack of endings - more fun to carry on stories indefinitely at the expense of closure. Only recently have finales become more regular, what with dog's Searching, [most of] the October Chill series finally reaching the credits, and TSNK approaching the climax and resolution phase. With the setup left at the end of Torture, I saw two options: Ben and Kate escape and start a chase, or duke it out. Considered the chase several times, but in the victims' current state, it didn't ring true to me. I'd be interested reading another direction, if you want to fly that flag.

-- Nash

...and, because they didn't post it here...

dogdeity added three chapters and an ending to Toby's storyline (you'll have to go via his profile, since for some reason they're not on the regular chapter tree).

wsells continued the ConsOnCall storyline with "Off to Shooter"

Thank you, dog, for stepping it up and pounding it hard.

I'm confused about Wright's reappearance - I'll reread Flotsam 2, but if any explanation was given, I missed it on first perusal. If no explanation was given... hasn't he already died -- twice?

I'm lost in terms of the relationship between Wright and Shirley. Incestual Assassins sounds like a bad Cinemax script. I like the duality of their insincerity, but I still don't know if - make that _how_ - they're related.

Would've liked something more than grand red herrings to wrap up the color folders and the Florida deed, but I read the whole string several times and couldn't come up with anything better.

Thanks for staying true to Toby, all the way up to the moments of recollecting M*A*S*H reruns. He doesn't know who/what he is anymore; you carried that well.

Good job with the believable sequel potential. I doubt I'm riding any further with it, but I hung up my Toby shoes a waaays back. Glad to see you didn't.

-- Nash

Why doesn't SM show these chapters on the tree? I check this thing regularly, hoping someone had the cojones to finish it out. Thus far, I'm not disappointed. It is, after all, time for Toby to....

I published a final chapter to Cheese's "Running" storyline. I say "A" final chapter, since other people are welcome to continue it along a different line if they so desire.

Finally added a second chapter to wsells' "ADVANTAGE - Chapter One "Wronged." (the Cons On Call storyline.)

Oliver --

First off, you're submitting things at a remarkable pace. Always stress quality over quantity. Makes feedback easier and more pleasant to give. I'll admit I was reluctant to say anything, but the first line caught me, tangled me, and confused me so much, I had to ask: what?

You loathe hypocricy and two-faced "people"? (People was your term - I would've used something more descriptive, like "****.") Kay. So do I. So?

Where was the wisdom? This was a beat poet's rant, a slam book diary entry, medicinal fortune cookies for depressants, segmented laments over how a victim prefers being beaten, vague requests for sympathetic torture... Shall I continue?

I won't insult you. I don't know you. As for Words of Wisdom? While it supplies plenty of words, it lacks in the wisdom department. Seems like it's an attempt to baffle and shock. If so, you half succeeded. (I wasn't shocked.)

I peeked at some of your other submissions - your tone appears to be a consistent mixture of melancholy and anger. Use that. Give me a story instead of a rant. Base your lead on it and fly. (For a good example, watch/rewatch The Fisher King.)

I dunno. Maybe you're using StoryMash as a psychologist's couch to vent. You [sadly] wouldn't be the first and [even sadderly] you won't be the last. I'm not trying to run you off the site. Honest - ask anyone and they'll assure you I'm no sugar coater. I'd be interested to see if you can concoct a story or if you're only here to bitch. Your call.

-- Nash

Get my "writing caps on?" WHAT, LIKE THIS? WOW, THAT'D GET ANNOYING. SERIOUSLY.

(Voorhees - for a horror story, bridesmaid status seems appropriate. Especially considering the dresses they have to wear. Good luck with #10.)

Cliche time! It's not easy when too many cooks in the kitchen are shooting fish in a barrel, but you left no stone unturned on the road less traveled.

(1) Too many cooks - nice power struggle. As if it wasn't enough with Steve and Rhonda, now Red and Sherman want to write the recipe. (Great setup for Red's rewrites.)

(2) Fish in a barrel - Would've liked to see a few more characters introduced. Hard to do with Mrs. B. shooting them all down before they speak, but there's still potential to continue to solo/group auditions with a school of new faces.

(3) Turning the stoner - "Naw, man, Dave's not home." Nice touch with the dual C&C sketch; provides an unusual dimension to Sherman. I wondered if/when he'd appear again. (Minor reveal: Sherman's original line was the inspiration for writing chatper 1 - the victim mentality.)

4. The road less traveled - the unease of your hanger provides a different, uncomfortable tension than most of the chapters on SM. So many cliffhangers here, but this was a completely different kind of dread.

I'm torn whether I should offer a rating on the meat cooking scale. "Rare" connotates juicy, but it also represents underdone. "Well-done" sounds great unless it's charred and lost its flavor. (One could be raw; the other tasteless?) Is there any compliment in "Medium?" I'll put it this way:

Yummy. I look forward to the fourth course.

I love these chapters, had no difficulty transferring from 1 to 2, and anxiously await more. Unique voice, believable quirks, disturbing situation told accurately and not overblown for effect, strong hangers...

You've left me sockless.

What a fantastic exchange - heartfelt, sincere. Such softness in the cruelty. Then again, was it an evil deed if the daughter wished she could take mummy's place? I, too, think it's a splendid, dark character-driven story that teases the horror genre. (I wrote Angels in the same vein, and earned the same type of comment from rocklee.) We'll see what the editors are looking for, I suppose.

I'm a little confused at the "no one has asked if I'm her grandmother" line - is she? If she transcends generations by inhabiting her descendants' bodies, who's to say this hasn't been going on for centuries? The trick therein, should this be mashed, is for mummy to know how to live as daughter so she doesn't get caught.

Lastly, I might have liked a paragraph about the chaos in the emergency room to paint the backdrop against which the scene could achieve more tenderness. Still loved it.

(4.5)

WWB: Reasonable. Maybe the show had that many puns as well? If I tuned into Quantum Leap and was assaulted by that kind of barrage, I'd change the channel. In fairness, Silver, does the show have anything to do with phones (besides the guy's name)?

And I'll check out some of Silver's other posts. They may not get comments, but hell, after this, Silver might not want 'em.

Silver --

I've not commented on your story, nor have I ever watched that show on the SciFi channel. (While I enjoy the genre, I'm too cheap to pay for cable.) I'll provide overall analysis when done, but I put down my red pen after reading your first paragraph. You're hurting yourself with ambiguously mysterious sentences.

"The darknes seemed to hover forebodingly in the old warehouse." It seemed to hover forebodingly? Why did it seem to and not simply hover forebodingly? Things don't seem to have potential. They have potential. It's possible that potential/foreboding isn't fulfilled, but it's still there 100% at the start. Let it be without restricting it.

"A peculiar echoing silence permeated it, increasing the menace." Echoing silence is an oxymoron I'm not altogether familiar with. I think I understand the concept - so quiet, it's deafening. What I don't understand is how it could be anything but peculiar. Isn't that redundant? For that matter, "increasing the menace" is unnecessary.

"Time passed almost imperceptibly to the two men waiting crouched in that darkness, straining their ears against the silence." Thrice now you've presented handous of information, then pulled back with qualifiers. Why "almost imperceptibly?" Your adverbs are killing you. Say more using less.

As an example:

Darkness hovered forebodingly in the old warehouse, permeated by an echoing silence. Two men crouched for what felt like forever, straining to hear something - anything - break the soundless void.

I harp on openings because if I'm flipping channels, shows get all of a minute to grab me before I dismiss them and move on. One paragraph isn't fair - I recognize that - but you're starting the count with one strike.

Now I'll read the entire story and get back to you.

Pausing again after one page. Reexamine your paragraph about the bald man and the "almost skinny" (is that an insult like "almost pretty?") man to see if/how you can say the same thing with less. You know words and like using them, but economy is in order to express the mood of the moment. "His hairline had retreated so far toward the back of his head that he could clearly be called bald." I like the first half, but "that he could clearly be called bald" is a poor payoff for a quality setup.

Next attempt to hit the whole kit and kaboodle...

I don't know in what timeline the story occurs, but I expect some of the cordless references will be as obsolete as rotary dials soon. While I'll give credit where credit is due for some gut-punching puns, it hit overkill well before the end. And I'm a Dad; this should be right up my alley.

For a genius, Arnaud reveals he's in San Diego? (Again, I don't know the show; maybe that's common information.) Why else tell them they were the "local" police?

Ouch. I reach the end and discover the false floor? How unrewarding! If it's for a pun contest, perhaps it succeeds. Believing it was fanfare for sci-fi, I set up my expectations differently. Makes me reluctant to find more of your stuff if this is the one you pitched so wholeheartedly. A one-off is punishment. A four chapter story was flogging a dead horse mercilessly. Part of me feels like you're the magician who revealed his secret. Most of me wants to read something else to cleanse my pallet. Maybe that was your intent, as that's the reaction puns create.

I'll refrain from commenting on the threadbare storyline and hope your execution of other stories doesn't over-frill at the expense of momentum.

(Be careful, ye who solicit comments, lest ye get what you ask for.)

-- Nash

Nice addy, Cheese. Enjoyed it. For an even sillier branch, I added a chapter 3 to The Awakener by mybeautifuldaydream and Polonius.

Since there's still no way to notice new additions to stories without opening them individually and checking, I propose using this forum to announce when you've added chapters to existing storylines. (New stories have their own area; this is the closest I can think of to work with second chapters and beyond.

I added to Le Blog d' Uselessness, also contributed to by Chloe. Feel free to jump in.

Both branches of the Saga series also have new additions - by Cheeseliker, an_doschach, myself, and wolfram.

This topic has the potential to quickly grow to 100 entries; please use it only to announce continuations. (Ideally, another forum area will be created where we can open individual topics for any second chapters.)

Since there's still no way to notice new additions to stories without opening them individually and checking, I propose using this forum to announce when you've added chapters to existing storylines. (New stories have their own area; this is the closest I can think of to work with second chapters and beyond.

I added to Le Blog d' Uselessness, also contributed to by Chloe. Feel free to jump in.

Both branches of the Saga series also have new additions - by Cheeseliker, an_doschach, myself, and wolfram.

This topic has the potential to quickly grow to 100 entries; please use it only to announce continuations. (Ideally, another forum area will be created where we can open individual topics for any second chapters.)

The Toby mash started with Searching (by ahernandez), and had regular contributions from Honeygloom, Dogdeity11, a few from myself, CrystalFoo and Psycho. Almost reached a climax; still no resolution. Feel free to add on.

The Toby mash started with Searching (by ahernandez), and had regular contributions from Honeygloom, Dogdeity11, a few from myself, CrystalFoo and Psycho. Almost reached a climax; still no resolution. Feel free to add on.