All Comments by nashvillebecker

Truly, this was the first time I've ever equated Sisyphus with a dunking booth jerk. It seems so natural; how could I have missed it for so long?

Nice Katrina, playing happy with the guests, regardless of their skill at the game. (Heh) Looking forward to seeing how Bill gets involved. (wsells? OriginalSim?)

Good pacing, but I would have liked more than one of those 6 oz steaks to sate my appetite. Either somebody's going to be exceptionally longwinded, or we're going to take some tight curves and quick momentum shifts to let this play out as a full story instead of shots. Maybe my note to Foo was unfounded and it needs to shift from vignette to vignette in order to keep tabs on all pertinent players. Hmm.

(Just like a Ben, overlooking the obvious.)

Variable: Pomegranate martini

If the worst thing your kid will find online is MIA flipping the bird, then you have some great internet filters. I've three young boys (8, 6 and 5), and they currently go online to Lego.com and a few other sites while supervised. As they get older, I'm sure I'll need to provide stronger parental guidance as to which sites are allowable. Though I didn't watch The Voice, it apparently assaulted viewers with repeated "Bastards" and "Bitches," which apparently are no longer censored. I've typed "****" on this site more than many writers (nowhere near dogdeity or dr3arms), and I don't intend to let them see those stories for years. If they curse at their mother - with the finger, obscenity, or enough sass regardless of the wording - they get to taste-test whether Ivory is indeed 99 44/100% pure.

No complaints of Nipplegate? NYPD Blue? Showgirls? Madonna's original introduction to exterior underwear some 30 years ago? Marilyn Manson? Cee-Lo's hit single? Easily accessible pornography? Abercrombie & Fitch? Billboards? Malls? Gas station restrooms? Public schools?

Our jobs as parents is to help our kids learn and grow through whatever is thrown at them. We can shield some, shelter some, and charge through some, but the world is full of both **** and fans. They regularly collide. Conceding that, I do my best and I pray for my boys every day. Or follow WBS's advice. We do what we can.

As most of the poetry I've written is what I'd consider "bad," I wouldn't consider myself eminently qualified to critique poems. I took an Intro to Poetry course in college two decades ago and argued with my professor because she wanted hyper-artsy stuff. To her credit, she gave me new perspectives on imagery. To her detriment, she was a crappy teacher.

Even so, one thing she said stuck. Don't think because something becomes poetry when you insert random line breaks. I gave yours the acid test:

"I miss the smile that I barely ever noticed. I miss the eyes that changed color with your mood. They were dark brown when you were serious. They turned gold when you were playful. The golden flecks of light I miss from sweet nights gone by, when those eyes gently looked upon me. Now those nights must melt away. The happy times bring comfort but are too painful too remember. I hope I hear from you one day. But what good will that do? Do I dare to write you? Or do I dare to let you go?"

Frankly, it works better as prose. It could've worked more successfully with imagery, the sum total of which was "golden flecks of light." Beyond that, you remember a generic smile, generic brown eyes, generic moods of serious and playful, generic happy times, generic pain, and you get the idea.

As a teenager's diary entry about a summer camp fling? Success! As a poem, there's more wrapper than flavor in this candy.

Go ahead and put it in your pipe and see if anyone salutes it. I intend to throw curveballs every time, but if others decide to hold out, no harm done.

As I indicated in my comments to Foo, if you find yourself running over SM's character count, cut your chapter in pieces and publish in its entirety. It's one thing to edit for style. It's another to edit to fit within an arbitrarily small window.

Charlie's gun, Cindy's partner, Miss Kitty and the Hawke, a dolphin show, untold treasures growing underground? The story lurches forward with plenty of ammo for Cheese to drive his locomotive off a high cliff. I like the additional angles you're taking, but the vignettes progressed very abruptly. Reminded me of Project Around the World, which died a hollow death. I'd've preferred a longer segment getting deeper into Cindy, character limit be damned.

For that matter, if any chapters run long, by all means, split 'em in two. I wasn't about to wrestle with length limits. (How many times in my life have I been accused of being too long?) I'm a bit bummed it was trimmed.

There are parts that are un-foo-like, where it seems as if you had to clip here and shave there, then even out the haircut. Maybe that was a side effect of the editing process, but you're usually crisper.

I also reread Red Brockton - that may be my favorite thing on this entire site. People carefully upped the stakes while keeping the story moving. The characters built consistently, achieving more dimension as it progressed. Besides Charlie's gun, I'm not sure how the green room moved forward; I might've liked Jimmy taking more initiative, thinking on his feet as he witnessed Cindy's sneaky sneaky. Actual conflict between Cindy and the owners - you set up a set-up, but let it fizzle with a bit of tell minus show.

I very much like the angle and potential a water park brings. An aquatic show? Yes. Another level of antagonists? Yes! Ambiguity as to what side Cindy's on/who she's with? Absolutely! An abundance of good stuff. I only wish there was more great.

Variable: Epilepsy

Wouldn't Vlad's pre-impalees smell the carnage? I like your concept, the simplicity, and the [cliff]hanger, but to make it work, he'd have to dispose of the bodies elsewhere. If the whole apartment reeked of death, I don't care how drunk he gets the girls; it's impossible to woo when your home smells like a slaughterhouse.

Prophecy, meanwhile, provides more substance with less edge. Great concept, nice work leaving the loony priest for further mashers, and a fantastic paragraph about how Autumn was properly named. Some of the other dialog could be clipped to make it sharper, more genuine. These are 18 year olds?

I'd also prefer a stronger hanger - while it leaves the story wide open, it ignores the significance of only-48-hours-from-Armageddon. Dissatisfied dreamer Autumn runs away with dreamy drifter Luke. Meh. He's not mysterious enough. Steer me away from Twilight. Give him depth. Secrets. And if you make him a vampire, please, please run boiling water over your computer to clean it.

Synapto, Beanpole - if you're checking this and you want in, I'll start another one. Gimme which chapters you want and a variable. Then wait and watch for three more to sign up.

Y'know what, I'll go one step further. First responder gets to choose the genre too. Remember, you'll be writing part of it. And stupidity transcends all genres.

Yeah, okay. Two to a vault. Two divided into five is two and a half. Round up. Then shut up. It's up to Foo to fix it anyway.

It is finished. Or, at the very least, it is officially started.

My list to work with: Elvis impersonator, silver spork, Winnebago, bleu cheese, and Venezuela. Got it.

The order: me, Foo, Cheese, Aggs, Honey, and Wolf. Wow. Quite a cast. Got my idea on and 34 hours to purge it. I'm very happy to be writing again. Now lessee if I can start a barefoot brigade.

-- Nash

So far, I have Winnebago, Elvis impersonator, and silver spork? This is practically writing itself.

You suck.

Thank you for running in boots, introducing what I'm guessing is the Council, and emphasizing the edge in pledge. Though the redness and darkness make it hard to find a sunset to ride into, I like where this could go. Moreover, I like where you drove it. Welcome back.

Six chapters, each penned by someone who's been here more than two years. I don't care who, but make your installment good and make it count. For that matter, make it quick - add your chapter in a day or three, so it doesn't stall. #6 wraps it up. I'm taking chapter 1, but I don't know what it's about yet.

If you qualify as an Ancient, sign up here and throw me a variable which I'll have to include. Five is sufficient. Perhaps too many, but I'll try to make it work.

If others want to offshoot different branches, help yourselves. This is my attempt to relive a bit of the good old days - I reread a few October Chills, Red Brockton, CoC, and the epic Dog and Honey traded forever (and several of us snuck in episodes). Mashing was fun. Maybe we've all grown out of it now, but I'm taking my shot at the glory days. You want in? Sign here.

When the team is assembled, I'll have 48 hours to light this fuse. She-bang!

-- Big Bad Nash

Hmm. Love the hive mentality of the crew, though it's a bit disconcerting to see their king bee sacrificing his authority to join the fray. Soldiers are most dangerous when they know they're already dead.

At first, I thought it was an orgy. Different kind o' ship, I suppose. Though the night's still early. And merriment involves more than eating and drinking, for tomorrow they die.

Sci-fi can be a tricky genre, but you pace and word it well. Enthused and curious to see where it leads: how August gets fleshed out, what innovations the sci brings, and the variety of conflicts - on the ship, vs. the Horizon, internal. Good stuff. Keep it up.

May your groundwork have substantial payoff. You've gone way over my head, but hey, I write crap because I'm trying to be cool and funny. What, pray tell, is your definition of comedy?

Unitial? Research Persons? Some leagues really need to hire better marketing departments.

Who are these people? How old? What do they look like? What do they sound like? How does Uncle David walk? Why does Andrea DeMarco always use first and last name? What kind of art studio is it? Painting? Sculpture? Design? Why would Andrea so willingly follow an art teacher who threw such a left-field comment about ordinary objects like art supplies being weapons? I seriously doubt the versimilitude of your characters.

Like WWB, I see inklings of a Penny Dreadful. More of a Get Smart. Tongue so far through the cheek it almost could be serious. That's a hard tone to sustain.

Despite my objections, you still have a decent launch pad. If Foo's up next, I suspect a darker twist. Both your chapter and Norcia's (just critiqued) hint at delving into a sinister underworld. Follow through and don't tread lightly. It's dirty down there.

-- Nash

Blackie. Johnny. Rex. I’m not saying names like this don’t exist, but I concur with jazz that they evoke a noir atmosphere, complete with voiceover, staccato dialog and grey fedoras. I’d’ve preferred a full sellout, committing to the time period. But you indicated it’s a present story. I’m not buying it. The bar isn’t dive-y enough. The characters aren’t gritty enough. The setup isn’t bleak enough. I’m not sure whether to be regretful or appreciative toward its short length.

Your camera isn’t focused. That’s not to say it’s blurry, but the lens doesn’t know what it’s trying to capture. Instead of sharp details (i.e., Blackie’s goatee was unnaturally black; I assumed he kept his head shaved because it would have used too much shoe polish), you use broad brushstrokes (i.e., This ugly world was a place where no one could trust anyone anymore. I had learned that lesson the hard way). Always show. Rarely tell. You’re telling. If I look at a photograph, I want to follow whatever my eyes are interested in. I do not want to be told to look at the guy holding up the big fish. Make the big fish compelling. Make the guy even moreso. Details, details, details! (Note: that does _not_ mean adjectives, adjectives, adjectives.) Don’t tell me his eyes were “creepy.” Don’t tell me the redhead was “trampy looking.” “Emphatic and ominous?” Superfluous words. “Thud” suffices. More importantly, there’s no reason for Johnny to inform me what other characters are or should be thinking or doing. Show me intrigue and mystery. Don’t tell me about it.

“Showdown” is a title preparing for one of the most suspenseful moments known to man. At a showdown, one guy dies. I sense the concept of suspense, but I don’t feel any concern yet. Johnny and Rex have no depth or dimension – yet. And I’m not inspired to read a second chapter like this to find out if they will.

You have the barebones of something interesting. There’s a dangerous, [hopefully] threatening deal on the table with a shady character. Rex, Johnny’s sidekick, fears for his safety. Give me that danger. Give me palpable fear and stakes that are worth the risk. Otherwise, gimme a break.

(Yeah, I’m an Ancient. And I call ‘em like I see ‘em.)

-- Nash

...and why I titled this parenting was because there are things you gotta do for your kids. This may promote one from a remote possibility to a real probability. Those of you with kids understand. Those without? I'd appreciate the favor.

Folks --

Sorry for bugging with a real life thing, but it's quick, it's harmless, and it's easily ignored if you don't feel like it. You can harass me to critique or whatever else later.

I'm not selling coupon books or smart cards; this is easier and free.

My oldest son has hypotonia and a V-shaped mouth (as compared to the standard U-shaped bite). He'll need some significant work done on his mouth, and there's a contest which might help.

If you have a Facebook account and could spare 60 seconds to "Like" Justin's picture (#10), I think he stands a decent shot of winning $7K of orthodontic work. Which is exactly what every kid wants to win, right?

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150314350673890.364047.6926078889&type=1

Thanks. Do this and I'll owe you one random, obscure favor. No, that does not include swmming in radioactive sewage. Been there, done that.

-- nash

One down, two to go.

Mr. L -

My name @yahoo.com

Wow. That's a bigger fish than I'm currently willing to barbecue. A chapter I can crank out in a few hours. A book? Lemme know when it's finished and I'll see what my plate holds then. Both Cyndi and Lex have my email address.

I'm not sure if there's a term for trolling, but I suspect several old-timers like myself visit the site from time to time looking for stories from others from the "golden age" of StoryMash. During my most recent scan, I noticed members kvetching about the lack of critiques - people don't comment on each others' stories, nobody votes, everyone wants to collect the big money and ignore their competition. Considering my nature as a windbag, I felt compelled to say the following:

1. Lists may not be cool, but I sure as hell make a lot of 'em.
2. If you're on StoryMash to make money, you'll make a better income selling plasma to the Red Cross. Beyond contests (which haven't happend for years), I suspect I'm one of the bigger moneymakers and I've earned a whopping $60 over four years of contributions. If you're okay compiling four months of earnings for a fast food value meal, then perhaps you'd consider this big money. Otherwise, audition for game shows. Odds are better.
3. If you want people to read your stories, write quality chapters. Then search out other authors who write similarly good chapters. The best way to get noticed isn't with comments - it's by continuing someone else's storyline better than they could have written themselves. Stated differently, a comment will never earn respect. Penning a great continuation will.
4. Voting on SM is meaningless, useless, and harmless. Case in point: I share the highest rated chapter on the site. Whatever.
5. If you want a better sense of community, use the forums. They're far from ideal, but you can trade email addresses, coordinate contests and be easily seen here. I commented on Nedned's complaint (not really a chapter) how I'm willing to critique three chapters. Most SM members will check their own profile to see if their numbers increased and occasionally see if their comment on someone else's piece merited a response. If your goal is to get noticed - motivated by validation or otherwise - use the forums. It works. After all, you're reading this.
6. Tapioca. All good lists should include tapioca.
7. A good critique requires time and effort, as well as some skill. Bashing someone endlessly does not a critique make. We've all read plenty of pieces that suck, but unless we express the reasons why they suck, authors can't improve. No need to pull punches, but say why you think what you do or else your opinion carries as much weight as Kate Moss's dessert tray.
8. My offer still stands, though I'm moving it here. First three posters (timewise) will get full-bodied critiques from the Big Bad Nash. If you want my credentials, check out my crap. If you critique mine, let me know as I haven't looked at/known my comment counts in a loooong time.

-- Nash

There have been several generations of StoryMash users, and a golden age when people regularly interacted with each others stories hasn't existed in over a year. Nothing prevents you from investing the time and effort into creating a new golden age -- except time and effort.

If you want good critiques, provide good, respectful critiques. Seek authors who write similarly, be it genre, style, or attitude.

I developed a reputation as the Big Bad Nash for awhile because I didn't pull punches. If you want punches pulled, writing's probably not for you. At least not for an audience.

Because I'm in a particularly stupid mood, I'll make the offer for the first three people who respond to my post - and I'm looking at time, not necessarily at order - I'll give them full-out Nash critiques. Take 'em or leave 'em.

A separate note: the magic of this site was writing together. Start a contest. Use the forums. Jump in to another author's story. Throw enough quality out there and something will ignite. I have email addresses from SM authors all across America. Community is available. It simply requires time and effort I'm not willing to put forth anymore.

Three critiques? That much I can do. Name the specific CHAPTER (not story) you want. For my credentials? Check my profile.

-- Nash

What were you expecting when you decided to screw a girl named Anger?

Nice timing. Troll.

“Gingery moss swayed and fluttered in the breeze, resembling torn cloth from a peasant girl’s dress.” Fantastic line. Beautiful, concise, strong. Concentrate on simplicity like that, and you’ve got a good story. As is, you’ve done yourself in by overwriting.

Your paragraph:

Even though the environment was abundant with its serenity, a foreboding threat wandered the grounds. Approaching the locked gates of a nearby forgotten cemetery, the Being known to mankind, as well as to all things in the heaven’s above as Lucifer, stood before them. His cloak and hood slowly swayed in the evening breeze, much like the dance of the moss hanging from the oak trees. He noticed that an oversized padlock bound the gates together. He also noticed that the lock was old, rusty and was nearly fused to the hook latch that held the gates together, and was overgrown with foliage.

…could be rewritten as…

Lucifer approached the rusty, oversized padlock which bound the gates surrounding the cemetery.

You don’t lose anything. The rest of the paragraph is extraneous and often redundant. Your first two paragraphs sufficiently paint the setting. Dive into the story.

The deliberate pacing can build suspense, but if readers have to work through too many distractions, you’ll lose them. Along that line, proofread. Sure, this is _only_ StoryMash, but you need to work on verb tense, capitalization, and sentence structure. Format your dialog appropriately. Eliminate unnecessary adjectives, adverbs, and entire sentences. If you carefully shaved this down to half it’s current word count, you could have an impressive opening. Now, it’s cumbersome and a hassle to slog through.

You have ambition? Good. Bring your talent level up to your ambition level, and success may follow. Until you spend the time and energy following the rules of writing, however, you’re not ready to break them.

-- Nash

Mine are more the Washington Post variety.

Mompliment: the kind words given by a mother critiquing a creation, regardless of how ugly/awful/horrific said creation may be.

Prefuse: The act of denying/declining a gift/invitation without before learning any details. ("I don't care what the event is, if it's with you, I'm not going.")

My moniker at yahoo.

Not committing to anything yet. Interested. Curious. Listening to further details.

-- Nash

True dat. I'm a hellofalot better looking than Dog could ever aspire to be. Clean living and all.

Check your email in the next hour, 11.

Finished last year, shooting for novel #2.

One of you can fill my shoes. I'm attempting NaNo again this year; that makes me the latest domino to get knocked down and out. Thanks, all, for helping me get unblocked. See you around.

Yeah. Like there was a chance I'd miss a deadline after all my bitching. Dirty Laundry 6 is up.

Corny -

Odd storytelling, this. It's almost told clinically, a lecturer recalling an illustration for students. Especially with the asides ("Christ, she's 88 years old, how much longer can this go on?" "or isolation, if you prefer.") Is her youngest (unnamed) son telling the story? If not, who? I'm not against the use of a narrator, but it establishes and sustains a distance and impersonal tone. Why REtell the story (in present tense, at that) instead of telling the story as if it's happening. Lots of exposition. The old lady may be an interesting/deep/dynamic character, but --- it feels like you're using watercolors on a paint by numbers.

You also reveal her emotions, which may not be accessible to whoever is describing the film of the scene.

I'd rather you attacked the story and introduce much of her history via conversation or logical revelation instead of bunching up her lineage and situation up front. Open the curtain organically and let it flow.

Damn you and your talent. And congrats to you and the new baby.

Be careful what you ask for. You may just get it.

Great job, all around.




Bob.

Color me confused.

Tension maintained and escalated. Happy cameo from parenthetical. Fragments utilized liberally. No worries there, though there were points his thought process turned a bit primal. Minor [hypocritical] annoyance that the lead remains unnamed, but it's my fault for not giving him one. Can someone step it up and properly address him as Louis Feidelberg III? A rose by any other name would smell as stressed.

As the story has evolved, so has the couples' need for martial counseling. Mrs. Coach has grown from shopping bother to annoying texter to scapegoat bitch and probable ex, and there are more chapters to go. At this rate, I wonder if she's driving the Volvo.

So Mom called 911 because she couldn't track down Coach? And 911 connected them? Seems unusual; does 911 do that? Maybe Mrs. Coach nagged enough to prompt emergency services to act as a telephone operator? One ringy-dingy?

In consecutive paragraphs, Mom came to the field and picked up Michael, then her friend's husband (and potential affair) picked up Michael, all the while Coach is sure he saw Michael in the Volvo but can't verify any of the theories. Disjointed, to say it lightly. Paranoid? Concocting conspiracy theories?

I reread JD's chapter and realized three cops came really quickly. More now? The radio and helicopter are fragments of an overjuiced imagination. What kind of time has passed? I'd think less than 30 minutes (maybe half that) since the opening.

Airborne? History dictates that killing the lead is bad protocol. Good luck, Lex.

...and then I became a jerk.

More of one, anyway.

I don't know what happened. As in, I'm not sure how this story was a continuation of chapter 3. There were gunshots, I didn't know what happened, Jerry introspected and nearly took a stand, and he passed out from something - I don't know what. It didn't commit. While I don't want to be corralled into a pen, it's nice to have some direction. What happened to the ex? Where did the three bullets end up? Someone was shot - Al's "smell of blood" dictated that. Instead of answering and building, you bypassed. I'm unfamiliar with the setting too, but I felt like this needed to do more.

Chapter 1 sets the stage.
Chapter 2 ups the ante and brings the girlfriend in.
Chapter 3 skyrockets crazily and opens all kinds of avenues.
Chapter 4 goes introspective. Jerry isn't a coward - he's fairly easily unnerved and in a sticky (ew) situation. His foray into heroism didn't feel like Jerry to me. You handcuffed yourself by eliminating dialog.

And then you end with a I-didn't-explain-before-but-I'll-add-a-bigger-monkey-wrench by knocking out the lead? Hoo.

What are the odds that I agree with Ace?

First, I've never seen someone write a stutter well. It's distracting. Once, maybe twice for nerves and I can overlook it. Use it consistently and it becomes a literary splinter that scuffs the pacing.

The gun... Why? You know what? It's not even the gun that bugs me. It's the "smell of gun powder and blood." So now someone - most likely Gel, as her scream was silenced with the first pop - was shot and the story changes from embarrassment/discomfort/awkwardness to self-preservation and overcoming danger. Yes, it ups the ante. But I would've preferred the ex (who I finally named Mickey, because characters have names, dammit!) even holding the gun and threatening without firing. Negotiations have flexibility and open-endedness. It's not a mystery if they know the killer and the only goal is to escape alive. To poorly paraphrase Hitchcock: "Action is blowing something up. Suspense is knowing there's a bomb in the room."

Good structure to have Donna get custody. Disturbing to reshelf the Bronsonator, but entertaining touches. (In early thoughts, I used Death Wish and The Great Escape in mine, but they didn't make the final cut.)

You end with edible underwear? I disagree. Out of place.

Sleek, smooth, seamless. And sharp. Yessss.

Love the name, the tone, and the hanger. You nailed it. Easily the best continuation so far for this story, and that includes my attempt. Can't say I've stepped foot into a store like this, but you captured the atmosphere realistically enough that I felt like I had. Well done.

WWB --

I, for one, would like to thank you for not going darker with this. It had the potential to go Pulp Fiction, but I enjoyed the tenderfootedness of Jerry as he fished out of water. There's an understated daring in him, as he easily could have hit the Walgreens for condoms - last night must have been quite a date. You walked the fine line between bravado and humility, which isn't easy. Nice job.

I'm curious to see if/how the car comes into play. Your investment into the Bel Air has gone unmentioned since the start, and it seems like it should go somewhere. Hmm. Otherwise, it's a speed bump at the beginning and there's no need to hesitate before jumping into the story.

I wear size twelve-and-a-half shoes. When I'm not barefoot. And you're one of the few who knows what that means. This is my second favorite chapter of yours, behind Elephant Walk.

Chapter 5 of Jerry's Adventure in draft form:

http://storymash.com/u/nashvillebecker/paronafi/

We stick with the two week deadlines and I'll bitch no further. I'll comment further on individual stories when I can read them - thus far, there are three that IE won't display, and I have ho internet access at home. (Can't download software on the work computer.)

As for critiques, hopefully authors won't find them discouraging. I call 'em like I see 'em.

Ugh.

First off, because of the positioning of this comment, let me say this is not a crack at dkk. I hope she recovers quickly and fully, and this project should be low on her list unless it helps motivate her to feel/get better.

I stand by my comment from 4 weeks ago - what a subtle dying. The current deadline isn't for another eight days, and I expect it'll be extended as well. What began with a bang has hit whimper status at the halfway mark. Yes, some of the recent chapters are still quality, but I don't see the enthusiasm, the heart, or the care that was initially invested. Life gets in the way. I know. I've a life too.

October Chill suffered the same fate. Even Thou Shalt Not Kill struggled, and there was money involved for those (10) chapters. Perhaps nine chapters is too long? Wrap it in 6 or 7? That means not everyone will contribute to every story, but at the rate of attrition the project is enduring, I won't care by chapter 9 anyway.

If you want to replace me, that's fine. If you want to ignore me, I'm used to that too. I've never been hired to provide pep talks.

Eight days, folks. Plenty of time. Go team, go.

Seven down, two to go. Ace and dkk?

You still have mine, Bill, so I'll assume you're not dropping the restraining order yet.

It felt like a logical hanging curveball to leave the next author. I have further ideas, but I don't want to handcuff Aggs. (If she wants 'em, she has my email.)

One of the challenges of this project is pacings roughly 10-15% of a story and supplying enough to promote the tale while avoiding both cutting it short and adding too many tangents. Generally, I try to answer the hanger before my installment, then hopefully raise the bar and leave something juicy for my disciple. (Follower. Whatever.)

Wrapping up the penultimate ninth chapers will be difficult, but I expect the harder part will be setting up climaxes in #8. ('Course, in Jerry's Adventure, a series of climaxes could occur before then.)

Dunno how much newness I can add, djinn, but I concur that this was a spectacular opener. It's quick and simple like a slap in the face - and it leaves as much of an impact.

The Twilight Zone vibe is fascinating and you capture it without going hokey. Nice crafting. Sure, you could've elaborated and directed further, but it's sufficient and works perfectly for this project. I'll take quality over quantity nine times out of ten. Nice job.

What a subtle dying.

I don't know if it's end of the summeritis, a genuine lack of enthusiasm, or the realization that we're not even halfway through our niners, but the sudden excitement void is concerning. Especially when other quality writers want in. (Hey, Cheese, good to see you.) If Al's running v.2 of this mess, we should at least make v.1 look enticing.

With a[n extended] deadline less than two weeks away, I'll be shocked if everyone gets their chapters finished on time. Momentum is huge for writers. And this project's ball is teetering precariously close to the edge, if it's not already been dropped. Bummer.

Chapter 4 of Death Benefit is up in draft form. http://storymash.com/u/nashvillebecker/bonavore/

Yes.

The two questions in the second to last paragraph are unnecessary and feel like a TV announcer promoting the cliffhanger, but otherwise, it's much better.

Fave: it would have made a great lesson on how to speed past opponents. Always multi-thinking. Self-deprecating. Nice touch with the 9-1-1 and dropped phone. Did Emergency Services answer?

Well played, JD. Well played.

I'd require medication to continue this.

Rumors of my dark side are mildly exaggerated, but you tap into a depravity I'm (at a minimum) appreciative I don't experience on a regular basis. Thankfully, your descriptions are vivid and dynamic; I can often feel and smell your scenes - two senses not always explored to potential.

Your stories are guilty pleasure. A different kind than Howard Jones fandom or the Atari 2600. More pleasure. Much more guilt.

Hope you're keeping your meds balanced.

Ah yes, pacing. I don't tend to worry too much about pacing the story, since there'll be so many other authors contributing their bits. Without knowing the ending (except the final writer), it's hard to separate segments into a good breaking point. More importantly, with the nature of StoryMash, stories require good [cliff]hangers to give the following author a jump point.

I, too, found this chapter a bit short. I like the ending. I like the speed. More could happen in the interim, or you could extend the cop encounter and provide a different kind of hanger.

My approach tends to be a word count (yep, I copy and paste former chapters to get an idea of length investment). Dog's chapters are almost always sizeable, but they're far from slow. If someone puts the time and effort into their words, I'll try to do the same. Too many short-quick-yowza cuts and you end up with a very brief tale.

So far as I know, no one's made outlines of any of the individual branches, right? Which leaves you wide open to write as much/as long as you'd like. But methinks you could do another 300-400 words and it wouldn't hurt it at all.

Dude.

Just like me to publish, then realize I skipped a word in the first sentence. Oops. http://storymash.com/u/nashvillebecker/helifuru/

I find myself sandwiched between two women, once again thinking Dog would be more prepared with better one-liners. While I don't mind following Ace and I don't envy the prospect of making sure everyone follows everyone, you could pretty much take the graph put together for October Chill - 9 authors in that one too - and substitute most of hte names. (http://storymash.com/u/dogdeity11/dakokafe/) Which is to say I'd prefer mixing it up.

As for critiquing, I'm only reading the stories when I get involved with them. I don't foresee spending the energy for a full Nash rant about a story unless specifically asked. There are definite challenges of bending your style to each genre, and yet, I like to think I'm influencing each genre with my own style as I contribute. Could be my ego. Hmm. This is why I tried my hand at the Sword & Sandal, Epic, and Gothic, as none of those were my style either. The bigger a strike zone you have as a writer, the more dingers you'll hit.

At what point is JD (or whomever) picking up the ball and trying to stretch this project beyond the walls of SM? I'm willing to chip in my "entry fee," so to speak, but I'd like this to at least get further than the Horror Anthology Project.

Ideally, I'll have the next Stovetop up tonight. Plus a steak dinner and a nice back massage from the missus. Realistically, I'm looking at 1-for-3.

Okay, so let me get this straight. The insects could be bloodsuckers like vampires. The mammals are an obvious allegory to werewolves. The planet is a horny/confused teenager who stuggles to choose her allegience. Am I onto something?

-- Nash, happy to have witnessed a passing of Josh's Comet

Wow. All of us on now? Early out west, Shad?

I've posted the second chapter of A Winter Fail

http://storymash.com/u/nashvillebecker/wekiwafe/

In the event someone needs my email, it's my moniker and I'm at Yahoo. Odds are I'll send you a different one, but that's the initial way to reach me.

Mercy. How many mistakes could you make. First off, his last name is Haldin, not Halden. It's the Norse spelling. Secondly, your repeated claims that they were in the middle of the game couldn't be more erroneous. Coach's stopwatch showed 13:17 left, which is more like 52.6% over. Yeesh. If you're not going to pay attention to details, why bother?

I was curious to see which starter you'd take - the vast bulk of my chapters are mashes. This wasn't the easiest, but you matched the style impressively. (Especially enjoyed the three unlock tries with the auto-clicker.) I'm interested in seeing if/who else can pull it off as well as you did.

I agree that Coach's hesitation was unlikely, but any tension that may have briefly lagged was re-jacked with his speeding, scrapped calls, news reports, and hanger. Thankfully, sick minds like Dog, Honey and WWB won't be here to show the deranged torture of innocent children. (What? WWB is? Aw, crap.)

Running with Ace's A Winter Fail - http://storymash.com/u/Ace/rarutota/

Second chapter up in rare draft form. I'll publish tomorrow.

Though WWB and I may be the only two to remember October Chill, this has similarities - nine authors who'll trade chapters, the last of which is responsible for completion. Hmm. I recommend a two-week turnaround. If it's your turn, you get two weeks to add the chapter. If we stretch much further than that, momentum suffers. If it was a contest with money at stake, we'd make the effort.

-- Nash

Dunno that someone as odd as me could even things out, but I'm hurting for some structure to writing. I'll ask more questions Monday or Tuesday, but if you want me, I'm in.

Endings. I can rattle off a dozen story starters within an hour. Doesn't take much to create a character, situation, or even a motivation. Whereas wrapping up the details neatly enough to consider it finished can take days/weeks/months/ever. As if it wasn't hard enough sustaining the drive to reach the conclusion, whatever it may be, stories are also judged on their endings.

Think about it. If a story starts slowly but evolves into a phenomenal conclusion, you'll recommend it (with a warning) to other readers. But if the story starts incredibly well and keeps your interest to the midway point before fizzling out, it's a dud that'll never get recommended.

If you're struggling with the final sprint near the tunnel's end, go ahead and charge it out. Reach your final sentence. Pacing yourself isn't for first drafts; it's for subsequent incarnations and the editing process. (Self-edit before having someone else do it. Please.)

The best illustration I can use to answer your question is the belief that coincidences are okay - often encouraged - as inciting incidents. But to solve a story with a coincidence? Deux ex machina? Bleah.

The second best illustration I can use is this site. Think of all the story starters. Now think of all the endings? Why the disparity? Because endings are hard.

Aw, dangit - I forgot to include the date. Just pretend the #1 stands for April 1.

Q: How do you kill a blonde?

A: Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of a swimming pool.

Because a blonde is stereotypically stupid, and doesn't always think through situations, she would swim to the bottom of the pool to investigate what the scratch and sniff was doing there. And because her bubbly curiosity would prevail over her bubbleheaded logic, she would try to sniff the novelty, thereby inhaling water through her nose and into her lungs. Because the human body is unable to process large amounts of water in the lungs, she would perish. (And the lifeguards and other patrons of the swim club laughed, lest we - the readers - didn't sense the humor with our own senses of humor.)

No, explaining jokes doesn't make them funny. Nor does the story's audience's response.

...and with that, the lumbering bear returned to hibernation.

It’s been too long since I ranted last. Ranting is an art; I’m armed only with a sketchpad of loose thoughts and a throbbing lack-of-caffeine-induced headache – hardly the tools of a true rant artist. So I’ll scramble together a few thinklings and hope the soufflé doesn’t go flat. They’re very fragile, y’know.

Writing can be the loneliest of activities. Fundamentally, it’s one person sitting with a notebook (physical or electronic) trying to purge him- or herself from the demons in their mind.

Some of these demons are little imps with wicked senses of humor, and they tickle on the way out before splattering on the page in patterns and images that crack up ensuing readers. Jokes that require retelling. Irony, whether genuine or one-of-the-zillion-misdiagnosed-incarnations of it. Clever wordplay, obscure juxtapositions, weirdness that can’t help but conjure giggles. Witty dialog, fantastic plot devices, deliberate misunderstandings, and even the occasional, well-timed “balls.”

I recently finished ...And Here’s the Kicker, Conversations with 21 Top Humor Writers, which gives me no more clout than anyone who has finished Grover and the Everything in the Whole Wild World Museum. But it’s worth reading. Ah, but I digress.

There are punsters, wiseasses, deadpanners, beatniks, minimalists, lowbrows, cerebrals, surrealists, and humor snobs, just to name a few comedy tastes. To name a few more: Mike, Jennifer, Alfonso, and Nicolette.

I was finally worn down by your consistent plea for readership (which I’ll readdress momentarily), and I perused K.P. Frankly, I could use a good laugh. As I read, I kept waiting.

Someone less bold than me would say “I didn’t get it” or “It wasn’t meant for me.” But, considering my reputation as the guy who knows too much and wants only-too-well to express my opinion whenever asked (and often when requested to go away), I’ll be audacious enough to proclaim my thoughts as fact: “It wasn’t funny.”

I use a simple scale for comedy. If it makes me laugh, it’s funny. If it makes me grin, it’s funnyish. If it makes me deliberate through thick, bulky prose to squeeze out something confusing? Not funny.

There is humor out there that you have to work for. But largely, and especially on sites like this populated by simpletons and flakes (of which I’m a patron saint), an economy of words works better. Streamline. Cut your darlings. Most importantly, bang your ending!

I’ll concede the language barrier between your story and my brain. I tried interpreting it through the same filter applied to T. Herman Zweibel, a regular contributor to The Onion. I attempted to shave most of the clutter with hopes of divining hidden humor, but the best I located was potential.

A gluttonous, uncivilized patriarch waddles around the buffet table while younger generations are entertained at his musings. That contains definite potential. But you need to tighten your belt on the extraneous blubber that clutters the scene. If, as your forum seeking readers suggests, your humor stems from wordplay, then weave your words efficiently. Lastly, leave your readers hungry for more. As the chapter currently stands, it’s hard to digest.

Be careful soliciting responses. You have a good approach in reading and commenting on others, but ending all of your notes with pleas for them returning the favor? Comes across as needy. Plus, you never know when the Big Bad Nash will wander by. Continuing chapters? Good. Kissing up to dogdeity? Always commendable. Begging for feedback? It’s beneath you. Worse, it’s annoying.

For what it’s worth, I enjoyed your Scratch Paper Note, though I wished the continuing chapters went somewhere; they currently seem to meander. As for your style? I dunno; maybe you’re the next James Joyce. I couldn’t get through his stuff either.

Good luck from a bastard who has historically had far more readers than commenters, far better chapters than most writers, and a vastly larger ego than nearly anyone on StoryMash.

All that said, don’t do anything to please me. I don’t matter. At all. Write what makes you happy. Unless the key ingredient to your contentedness is receiving positive critiques, in which case you’re better off baking cookies. Because everyone loves cookies.

Holy tequilla!

You're right, Cheese - that was good.

I started my mess. I'll give a couple days if someone wants to enact the first wave. Else, I'll write the next bit next week.

Well, I _was_ going to have pizza for dinner tonight. Not no more. Surprised dog and TBH haven't found this one yet.

Where to start? Hmm.

It's disturbing. Painful. Gruesome. Especially the part about her eye being extracted and sliced. Reminded me of Un Chien Andaleu, and I always had to turn my head when that part was shown. Eye damage makes me squeamish.

As well-detailed and thorough as the agony was described, I would've appreciated some idea of the motivation. Her husband did this to her? Was there method to his madness? Had something snapped in him, or had she never noticed his sadistic tendencies toward inhumanity? He was a cop (service revolver); did he see something he couldn't unsee and it haunted him until he went overboard? If so, why take it out on the missus? Especially with such a young child?

One of the most disturbing pieces I ever read was about a torture session where a husband abused his wife with an electric sander. And yet I read it start to finish. I'm not sure what it was about or why I read it. While the writing was compelling enough to hold my attention, I felt like it could've been so much more with reasoning. Largely the same case here.

Remind me not to play any Tiny Tim albums when you're within earshot, lest you feel the need to remove my ears with tinsnips.

All in all, you had a great what, enough where and when, but I missed the who and why. A little depth of character would make this a hundredfold more haunting.

* * * SPOILER: ANYONE READING THESE COMMENTS SHOULD STOP NOW UNLESS YOU’VE READ ALL SEVEN CHAPTERS OF AVARICE. * * *

Dog –

Caught your consecutive posts and decided to print out a hard copy so I’d have something to read on the throne. (I suspect you take great joy being read by someone with his pants around his ankles.) Rather than comment on individual chapters, I’ll do one diatribe over the whole shebang.

Saw Memento a couple years ago on video, so I knew the premise. Enjoyed the performances; my only complaint was the lack of motivation. I wondered if that same bummer would resurface in your story. Pleasantly, it did not.

I’ve always enjoyed the way your characters have dimension. They’re sick and depraved, often a despicable subclass of humanity, but they exhibit depth. These are people I’d never want to meet in real life, but I’d love to sit in a diner booth next to them and listen to them talk. Historically, our dialog is sharp, biting, cruel, and yet real. The emotions you provoke are tangible, be they lust, anger, or outright pity. If I’m ever looking to get inside the mind of a loser, I need look no further than one of your creations. They’re brilliant and I admire them.

Avarice is more of an episode in technique. More style than substance, and I grant it leeway accordingly. The structure’s intrinsic necessity to shield plot-altering thoughts and actions until the proper reveals made it hard to sink my teeth into the experience of Ray, Dennis and Anthony. Yeah, they’re all broken people, but they’re far more caricatured than your “normal” offerings.

Ray is, as you eloquently provided, trailer. Horrific background, dreadful circumstances, but it felt glazed to say she stayed with Dennis because she couldn’t find something better. I didn’t feel any desire – even demented – for Anthony. No real remorse or agony for her actions. No deep-set satisfaction in offing Dennis. No sincere greed. She’s not bright in her birdcage, but her utter lack of cleverness with Dennis the abusive **** provided no connection, no motivation to care about her. She’s a stupid ho who sleeps around? ‘Kay. Even now, rethinking her situation, I’m stuck believing she’d look for another John to tell her what to do with the ticket. She completely lacks street savvy. Or original thought. Hard to have a lead who can’t think well for herself.

Dennis is a fat Michael Madsen, no? He’s thoroughly unlikeable, cruel, heartless, and stupid. Which gave me little to latch onto. I usually hate your evil characters because I know folks like that. No, scratch that. I’ve never met your evil breed. But I usually detect some morsels that I know only too well. Loathe-worthy. Dennis is neither sharp, nor blunt. He’s a stench. I want to be apart from him, but he’s mostly a disgusting bother. Wish he stepped up his game with something beyond brutality.

Then there’s Anthony, the saint until the ending. I enjoyed him more as an enigma. That he concocts his plan-a-la-pussy is smart. But he’s far from smart enough to pull it off. I wanted him to be sly, conniving, wolfish. Even if innocent of any real wrongdoing, I wanted more to grasp than a horndog who’d lie for a piece of ****.

That’s the crux of this. Ray’s a piece of ****, Anthony’s a horndog, and Dennis is a bastard. Whereas Alyssa and her next-door-neighbor were masterpieces. Hell, even your old piece about the lottery ticket had fuller characters than this.

As an unusual aside, there were distinct moments I thought you were writing like a woman. Both in thoughts and dialog. Weird.

I think your concept is solid, but the execution is hard to carry out with flimsy palettes like those.

(Man, between this and my rant about “The Other Sock,” nobody’s going to want me to critique their stuff anymore. Heh.)

A huge fan,

Nash

My first thought was anywhere up. After all, Zombies Can't Climb (http://www.archive.org/details/SweetAwesomeFilmZombiesCantClimb)

Barring that, I'd say a yacht. Although I wonder whether zombies can float.

A horde, eh? Am I solo during this invasion, or can we double up?

Let me know if the doctor prescribes more medication. Or less.

Ah yes, the dreaded age/sex check.


Yep. I have both.

"Shown Up" - This is what no reason and too much time will do.

51,241 words. Ended up writing a non-fiction, bloggish, memoirish, love letter to my wife. Saved myself money Christmas shopping too. Whee.

My intent is to get a chapter or three up in the next week, but mice and men have intents too, and mice like Cheese and Cheeseliker is a man, and this paragraph is a run-on and I'm gone for the day

-- Nash

You rang?

As a suggestion for those who want to exercise a different set of writing muscles, National Novel Writer's Month is November. (http://www.nanowrimo.org/) It's an opportunity to push yourself through writing 50K words and hopefully piecing together something of substance. I'm giving it a go. Should you be dumb enough to charge into the project, lemme know in December and I'll look it up.

-- Nash

Conversely, the last time we ran the trolls off, the billygoat overpopulation was so bad, we had to close most of the bridges into town.

Kitty-pu --

Are Cheese's "just rewards" some kind of credit card program? Because I can't redeem these airline miles for anything useful. Seriously, a subscription to Fern Enthusiasts? Who reads that?

Along those same lines, perhaps Ms. Babylon fell because her stiletto pumps were too tall? If I've told her once, I've told her a thousand times, wearing shoes like that in public and you're bound to get called a whore. Does she listen? Noooooooo...

Because what the world needs now is more people to take themselves uber-seriously. Oh -- and love, sweet love. Good mercy.

This is a Catch-22. If I bitch about writers needing to grow thicker skins, it implies my hypersensitive panties are bunched and chafing my bubble-wrapped, sorry ****. Ah well; that’s a criticism I may have to endure.

Yes, this chapter hit a nerve and earned a tirade. I’ve read and reread my comments, and I retract nothing. Frankly, I’m happy to have the inspiration to be so bullheaded and passionate about something. Congrats, imadj, on penning something that conjured such emotion.

Wisdom says stop here and shut up. Better to be silent and thought a fool than to sit at my keyboard and remove all doubt. If I don’t give a rat’s **** about what other people think, why mention it? Because I (and I suspect most of us) have a trunk full of **** d’rat in my attic and if I don’t spread the wealth, they’re going to waste.

Why was I so indignant? Because the chapter moved me. Why do some of us get worked up about Michael Vick’s reinstatement into the NFL? Why do some of us exhibit an unnatural distaste for Jon Gosselein, Heidi Montag, or anything on reality TV or tabloids? Why the escalated nerves over Rick Pitino’s latest indiscretion? Michael Jackson was potentially murdered? Let the wrath of heaven descend! It’s a crime to humanity.

Every idiot internet user gets an opinion and an easy venue to log it.

A few months ago, someone posted complaining how so many stories on StoryMash were character driven. Recently, several chapters have been dialog driven, some going so far as to altogether exclude the speakers’ names. Lost Socks is neither of those; rather, it’s theme driven. And I don’t like the theme. Am I wrong for expressing my disdain?

I didn’t – and you shouldn’t – bash an author for their story. Check out Little Things, an early imadj submission; I loved it. I like how she writes. (And frankly, I have no idea who she is.) I even complimented her style with Lost Socks. What I objected to was the subject matter.

I’m not a pet person. If I wrote a story about a guy killing cats because he liked to hear and feel their necks snap, I expect pet lovers would protest. How could I write about such a thing? From a scriptwriter’s background, there are two definite no-nos: Don’t hurt babies or pets. They’re innocent, defenseless, and the audience will not forgive you. (For an example of crossing the line, watch the mailbox scene in The Butterfly Experiment, I movie I only remember because it offended me that way.)

(Strangely, you can kill innocent adults and no one reacts. Which is why I don’t say much with stories about mass murderers, even the grisly ones. I stand firmly that killers need better motives than only being crazy, though. Insanity is a defense; it’s not a motive.)

Lost Sock is not a story about freedom. It is a story of escape. The Lost Sock is happy because it no longer circles in the drier. The schoolkid anticipates the summer when he no longer contends with the prison of daily classes. Fine. Those don’t have collateral damage. This story does.

Lastly, the woman wrote a letter to leave her husband. Wow. He didn’t see it coming. She had no reason beyond longing for mystery. And she wrote a letter. How chickenshit.

All that said, in an effort to flesh this out somewhat, I’m adding a second chapter. (Oddly, it’s shorter than this comment. Whatever.)

I am upset with a motive or lack thereof. I am upset with the general lack of commitment offered to marriage these days with the convenience of divorce for trivial reasons. The character, as she stands now, is inherently flighty and selfish. She longs for mystery and something enticing, and leaves her life behind without explaining why. That's cruel and irresponsible. The court should track her down at her folks' house and give everything to the husband.

The writing is good - smooth pacing and flow, intelligent word choices, decent description of a loose mind. But the character is loathable. Hard to write from an unlikable lead.

And while it may not matter, I'm happy that you've persisted through 31 years without your wife suddenly deciding she wants something new. That's my point.

Laughable.

(That means I laughed, right? 'Cause I did.)

Just posted the first opener I've committed to StoryMash in a long time: Soccer Dad. Curious to see if/who can/will match the tone and keep it going.

Something so off-the-cuff shouldn't affect me as strongly as this chapter did. I'm simultaneously curious and disgusted. The narrator wants to experience magic, explore the unknown, exist care-free? How many of us want to rip ourselves out of whatever our mundane daily schedules have locked us into? The monotony of a job with unwanted responsibilites, the dullness of reciting the same old arguments with the spouse, day after day after day of going through the motions. It's enough to drag people into depression and worse. The concept of removing those chains is inspiring.

At the same time, what the hell? There's no indication that the husband did anything to spurn on the narrator's fanciful flight. He's only portrayed as surprised by her decision to leave. She wants something new? Great. The proverbial grass is always greener, until you cross the pasture. Is it up to her to find new grass, or to use the **** life's dealt her to fertilize and revitalize the grass under her feet?

I realize this leaves the options open for future mashers to take multiple directions. But without some background beyond "my life is boring and I want more," I have difficulty seeing the lead as anything but a ditzy, selfish bitch.

In other words: your prose is well-written, but I want an inkling of a reason to leave an innocent party. Motive beyond novelty. It's the same thing that bothers me when writers claim a killer murders because he's crazy. Yeah, he's crazy. And...?

-- Nash
(Married 11 years come November.)

I can't believe I'm shilling like this, but should anyone happen to be on Facebook, look up Gilthe Ghoul. Started in the wake of Twilight and prior to learning of Zombieland. It's dumb, but hey, so are we.

One explodive dust bunny can ruin your entire day. I won't cry for you, Venezuela, nor will I watch any movies starring Madonna. Next thing you'll tell me the tooth fairy was really the same as the Easter bunny, and that Grandma's not coming back from that vacation she took 16 years ago.

Thank you for completing your community service. Please return your orange jumpsuit at the front cubicle and get off the highway median.

Writing involves momentum.

Crappy Analogy #17307E(ii): There is an ocean full of ideas. As writers, we stand on the beach with buckets trying to collect all the water we can. We dump it onto the sand and apply our craftsmanship to build castles, each of us to our own skill level. Some days, the tide is low and we struggle to discern inspiration. Other days, we have an overload of water - so much it's hard to know what to do with it all. (On those days, we can dance in the surf and enjoy the feeling that comes with an epiphany.)

The longer you sit on the beach without doing anything, the further we move from the shoreline.

The current projects are only recognizable as waterless deserts.

C'mon, people. If you volunteer for a project, you're expected to write your piece. I understand we all have outside lives - kids, sickness, sick kids, school, work, schoolwork, etc. We all do. But when you signed up, you committed to writing. The project may have lost its luster and sheen, it may have travelled a different direction than you originally anticipated, and it may not sound fun anymore. Suck it up. Get out to the ocean, work on your castle, and give the next person something to work with.

Integrity is saying you're going to do something, then doing it. So do it.

-- Nash, resident curmudgeon

Me again. Considering you went seven months between posting anything on SM, post something on my latest chapter or in the forums if you want to take me up on my offer.

You remind me a little of beanpolewatson, minus the beans, the poles, and the watsons. Your quirky chapter sucked me in. Nicely concise, and possibly better left like the book itself - untouched. Well done. (4.5)

Me again, continuing Lauren's yak session with God.

Confused_yellow_stallion opened a Barney/naked chapter which I couldn't resist following. Be wary reading it; you may feel the same magnetic draw.

Eesh. I gone done and did it.

http://thehypocritesrefuge.blogspot.com/

It'd be a tough thing to sacrifice my dignity and pride, if only I had either.

It's inaccurate to think your pieces aren't being read. From my perspective, this project is more about establishing a discipline and sticking through the struggles of creating new material daily on a topic that grows old faster than expected (and often smells worse than the aroma you mentioned this chapter). Besides Dog's, there isn't a magnitude of substance to work with, so I've withheld comments beyond the occasional snarky punchline. But technically, I've read all of the project entries thus far.

(I've also read most of your Quickies, but they too leave little requiring feedback. If you put five or six of them together into one chapter, that might provide enough fodder to comment on.)

-- Nash

Sid --

Name a story of yours which you want me to feedback and I'll give a patented nash critique, dissecting it three ways through Thursday. In the meantime, you've got the wrong guy for amassing comments. Look at my list of chapters; outside of contests, there aren't many.

As Katrina indicated, the more you comment on others, the more feedback you'll receive. Join a project (if there are spots available). Work the forums. But mostly, put an effort into honest critiques if that's what you're looking for in return. I decided a long time ago that SM is a candy site for writing - it probably won't fill my appetite and I doubt I'm getting all the proper nutrients, but it's usually great for a snack or eight.

I AM nashvillebecker, and I approve this message.

Odd. I noticed both Honey's and my 30 days of... culminate with 26 chapters. Which is to say we've both written 27 chapters, but the last one doesn't show. Any reason the system cuts off the story tree after two thirteens? Some underlying correspondence with the number of letters in the alphabet? Did Ethan expect three sequels to Jim Carrey's lousy "The Number 23"? Something more arbitrary?

Nor do I, ever since the incident when I tried ironing it while wearing it. Some life lessons are more painful than others. (Thankfully I learned after only seven tries.)

Note: depending on the sheerness and/or looseness of your bathrobe, your pervy neighbor isn't complimenting your garden when he says "Nice tomatoes."

Hello! I'm still waiting for the Unkie V. set of instructional videos to arrive. And they better work better than those stupid sea monkeys I ordered!

Narwhal. Answering machine. Nice fine tuning to pace your punchlines. Quality comedy.

I'll never listen to Hall & Oates the same way again.

Hmm. You have intense subject matter, but it lacks suffiient verbage to sustain the intensity. Show more, tell less! Details, specifics, tactile images! I don't want to read about it - I want to read it!

Your opening five paragraphs are a news report, but (as many are guity), it doesn't sound especially newsy. Why explain how sectors and blocks (wouldn't they be blocs?) are named if that's common information? It's an impressive, rather poetic sound bite from a rioter. Plus I'm not sure who's side the news is on - with rampant corruption, I'd think public journalism would be more biased toward supporting figureheads. Or else it would run underground. Hard to tell.

My main concern is I can't discern when this is happening. Mum grew up in the 50s and 60s? Would that make this an alternate present (or even an alternate few years before now?) You reference some catalyst, but I don't remember when/what/why it happened, who the figures were, or how the outcome came about. Britain is now a militia state, uberviolence is commonplace, and life has lost its meaning. Meanwhile, Skinhead Steve prays to a Norse God? That caught me for a loop.

There are some brilliant moments: when Steve refers to his parents, and how people like them deserve some **** respect. The Purity Brigade has much promise. Scrapping social acceptance is an interesting concept, especially as it leads to a new tribal order of sorts. I want to be more interested in this post-apocalyptic world, but I'm not seeing much to latch on to.

At moments, it felt like you were writing an essay about a story you'd read rather than writing the story itself. Personalize it. While I felt your parenthetic about his suspenders was diary-ish (journal-istic?), it provided more insight into Steven. Introduce us to the world as necessary, not all at once. Give us Steven waking up to Tyr, ignoring rifles outside his window, filtering the propaganda news, eluding the thought police, and handle the mass-shift of society ("the fall of decency" - nice) on a situation by situation basis. As of now, it's too much, too quickly.

Kudos for high aspirations and a fearless, take no prisoners approach. Reign it in some on your execution, lest you lose readers before they find something to grab hold of.

-- Nash

Stalk --

I can't speak for everyone, and I expect there is a contingent who enjoys and appreciates voting far more than I do. For that matter, I rarely vote - even when I provide feedback. If you look through my comments, you'll discover what I consider useful critiquing. I don't know how many people have read my chapters, nor do I know how the computer calculates it - is it merely how many people have clicked to open the document? Who cares?

As has been stated before, the best method of soliciting feedback is to provide it to others. We don't know who votes on what (or why it's important outside of contests, but that's another matter), only a total tally. Notes on characterization, dialogue, atmosphere, tone, word choice, versimilitude (TM WWB), etc. are useful. Stars? You can have 'em.

-- Nash

Jake --

Pardon the pun, but this struck a little close to home. And as dumb as this may be, thank you for correctly using "lose" instead of "loose." No idea why it's so commonly misspelled.

It's a peppy rant, but it lacks the vitriol of your lead's (name?) situation. Here he is, bankrupt, loveless, and - according to the last paragraph - depressed? Has he already progressed through the blaming process and settled into misery? That's a bummer. There's more heat to be experienced with Ellen; that's what I want to see.

Good setup. A little quick, but it works here. Where from here?

Two final notes: (1) The title leaves something to be desired. I feared this was another quasi-social essay about the evils of our government, and that almost persuaded me to skip it entirely. (2) I'd end this chapter without the bleak last paragraph. More powerful finishing with his resentment for Ellen being a better person than he is. Nice.

-- Nash

Vivid descriptions, wonderful serenity before the migration, healthy anticipation... Expertly written piece. My sole objection is the brevity. I don't think this is Earth, but I've been given little reason to believe otherwise. Why was Hane selected for this mission? For that matter, what is it? Your closing line makes me believe the Vande's feeding will be tragic, but for whom/what? Is Hane in danger? The planet? Other species?

Obviously, I don't want you to introduce all of this in the beginning, but at 270 words, you've barely scratched the surface of the still waters.

I look forward to reading more of your work.

-- Nash

If I didn't know you any better, I'd... wait. I don't. You make me happy to live a few states away. I'd claim shoelessness, except, well... y'know...

I considered several adjectives to describe your chapter and finally settled on “deliberate.” It’s clean and tidy, but it lacks flare. It’s like retelling a story/movie someone else told you but you never read/saw. You hit your marks, but they lacked fully focused intricacy/intimacy.

A few ideas for you:

- “Jason.” His name appears 15 times in two paragraphs. They’re sizeable paragraphs, sure, but I felt like every sentence reminded me of his name. Almost journalistic. “He” would have felt considerably more casual. Conceding his situation as far from a casual one, the telling should still be smooth and effortless. (You may have done yourself a favor splitting it into more paragraphs as well.)

- More show, less tell. Personalize it. Show me his hand brushing her frizzy brown curls from the corners of her mouth while she slept. Show me Jason sitting on the left side of the flower-print sheets because Mommy (no name?) always tucked hers in military-style and he didn’t want to disturb the few remaining tangible memories. Entice the senses: the house smelled dusty, the waves of anger left gashes in his knuckles where he punched his car’s dashboard and accidentally hit an air conditioning vent, the broken wind chimes he’d given Mommy last Christmas slapped the side of the house.

“Using his fatherly instincts” and “This information shocked him” popped out – there must be better ways to say those.

- The pacing was consistent to a fault. You didn’t limit your sentences to simple noun-then-verb structure, but you didn’t vary much. By the end of the first paragraph, I was lulled into a pattern that detracted from the impact. An occasional short punch could work wonders, even if it’s not a complete sentence. Fragments, when used properly, can be your effectual friends. Seriously. Mix lengths. (Also, be wary of redundancy.)

- Like WWB, I enjoyed the Jason/gun warm/cold exchange; that was the highlight of the story for me.

It’s not a bad chapter. Take pictures of it and give us the visuals. As a writer, help me feel the tightness in his chest as he contemplates pulling the trigger. If he’s truly at this stage of desperation, up the agony. Conversely, if his emotions are reduced to numbness, provide the hope he’ll have in living for Melissa. (Then again, Agg and WWB felt more emotion than I did; perhaps I’m the numb one.)

Good luck and good writing.

-- Nash

Once I get beyond this ten foot pole, I can only use three words to describe this piece: stink, stank, stunk. Yep, you're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.

Your story debut on here rocks
It's relatable, watching the clocks
Though the outcome was shitty
Your technique was quite witty
Now can someone please help find my socks?

Nicely done, big. Nicely done.

This seems a logical extension of this post, so I'll continue it here.

I recently noticed some authors will write "F**k" or "F___" or "&*#@!" A horrible analogy comes to mind: it's like fooling around/experimenting without actual intercourse to maintain virginity. If your character is the type to curse, either commit to cursing or find a suitable replacement. (Firefly invented its own set of obscenities, which I found quite funny.) Frankly, motherf***** leaves little to the imagination, but it stands out on a page considerably more than its counterpart. Ironic that in an effort to avoid cursing, more attention is brought to the substitute.

I admit my language is far from pure, but most of the time (on here, anyway), I'll use four-letter words if that's the way my character would speak. Jeremy's love letters are laced with 'em, and they fit. Whereas incorporating vulgar language in the Herkales chapter, Red Brockton, or The Unknown didn't feel natural.

If you don't want to cuss, then don't. But flaming pile of **** is not a flaming pile of sh*t. Heap of crap, pile of poop, tower o' turds, bag of feces, defecation deposit... sure. Don't expand your vocabulary if you don't want to trigger the censors (which this site doesn't use). But holy he11, you @55h01e b@5t@rd5 who can't f***ing write worth a &*#%! are really pissing me off!

-- Nash

Apparently we're all online now. Nice to see people finally reading this correspondence, and even better that you're contributing. Dunno if Jeremy will reply yet, but then, I don't have to be the only person to write his character. Low on talent, annoying, stubborn, persistent... Hmm. Thinking about it, Honey should probably write him. She knows the character better.

Good addition, Corn.

Fifi --

Kudos for the discipline of regularly contributing to your story. Though I didn't read every installment, I did peruse a few (as well as the comments). I agree with WWB's assessment - it lacks a certain drive. I couldn't discern a sustained concern - a clock to beat, an antagonist to combat, an overall problem to solve. Even if these are "diary entries," there's little intimate/quirky/dangerous enough for me to care about reading them. It's very light on plot.

To illustrate, I'm copying and pasting your last two paragraphs:

As she toggles between Professional Writer named Fiona Leigh and the young and lost Gothic girl named Lucifer, she starts to feel schizophrenic. She hears voices that confuse her. Lucifer says one thing and Fiona says another, but Fifileigh tries to make sense of all the mess and confusion in order to remain sane in her reality.

Her reality? What is her reality? Where is her reality? Who is she? Lucifer? Fiona? Fifi? Questions keep popping into her head, making her question everything about her life and where it is heading. But she realizes that she now lives many different lives as different people. Fifileigh the former fashion model turned fashion writer, Fiona the professional writer, and Lucifer the struggling and starving girl. As she tries to decide and make sense of all this, she suddenly falls asleep on her couch, in her very cold, dark and empty apartment, dreaming and hoping that things will soon get better. But due to the harsh realities of life, she realizes that they probably will not.

What if you took each chapter to write from a different POV? - Fiona, Lucifer, Fifi. Segment your story dependent upon which world she inhabits during that session. You'll need to interrelate them, of course, but it could make an interesting gimmick to have her avatar trying to complete a task contrary with her physical self. Bounce the realities (virtual and dimensional) against each other to increase conflict.

Even if you don't, give us juicier details of what her separate selves are telling her to do. Show, don't tell. I didn't sense her struggling to maintain her sanity. Provide actual dialogue as the voices. Argue among herselves. Is the Gothic girl a threat to her reality counterparts? Better yet, is the Lucifer character a silver tongued seducer, an outright anarchist, or a straight woman who uses logic as the base of her stance? Show, show, show!

The final paragraph is confusing and unsatisfying. It's British food - boiled steaks, cereal with weak-powdered milk, and undercooked chicken. Fi hopes and dreams they'll taste good, but due to the harsh realities of the kitchen, she realizes they definitely will not. But they could have.

If you're up to it, challenge yourself to write Fi in an emergency. It doesn't have to be life threatening. Perhaps she has to meet a work deadline. She gets stuck in an elevator. She's cornered by a stray dog and has to climb a tree to escape. Something intense. She has to quickly assess what's happening - provide details. Use all five senses. Feel the claustrophobia/urgency/fear/worry/superiority oozing. When she figures out how to conquer the situation, up the ante. Give her a grand scheme issue, rather than "dealing with life." Life is boring. We deal with it everyday (virtual or not), and it's not exciting enough to merit a story. Show me what is.

Otherwise, she can defeat her virtual issues by turning off her computer. Anticlimactic. Give her a purpose and a drive, and watch her/them fly! Good luck.

-- Nash

I wondered when this string would start fading. Thanks for supplying the answer.

You're not standing alone in the waiting aisle. It'll be a pleasant surprise when it arrives.

Eh. Worked for dkk.

http://storymash.com/u/nashvillebecker/kavunowa/

Um... the almighty dollar?

While I write, I usually have music playing low, even when it deserves to be amped to full volume. Depending on the intricacy of a scene, I often have to kill the noise. Especially when I'm working out kinks in dialog. Sound it out.

I can't say there're any particular bands/genres that provide better inspiration than others. On rare occasion, I'll hear a song lyric that'll inspire an idea. Steve Taylor as a lyricist, maybe? He's inspired me to be clever with wordplay. Nice guy, too.

For writing... hmm. I love the way Steve Martin casually works his nonsense and ignores it immediately thereafter. Dave Barry, before he became boilerplate. Kellerman and King with their vivid descriptions not detracting from the pacing. Roger Ebert for his conciseness.

For media... sheesh. Supposedly, I'm being influenced thousands of times a day. I don't have TiVo, so I see commercials. We subscribe to a few magazines (Sports Illustrated, Time, FamilyFun), I watch too much television, and... bleah. What of it influences my writing? Tough call. I admired the original season of "24" breaking the rules about protagonists and central characters surviving. Then again, I enjoy "Wipeout" (which, I'm certain, influences my young sons more than me).

I regularly Netflix documentaries and I'll watch recommendations from people I respect. (There's a small temptation to start an "Ask Nash's Opinion" forum thread, because odds are I have an opinion on anything.)

Mostly, I guess I'm influenced by my experience. Getting cut off on the highway. Idiot customer service representatives. Cute misquotes by my wife and boys. Overheard conversations. Nature. A good ratio of ketchup and mustard on my cheeseburger.

On StoryMash, I'm (and we're all) inspired by stories that we continue. Something triggers, and we run with it. For original pieces, it could be a word, a phrase, or an event. With the current back-and-forth Honey and I are writing, I was inspired by a few psycho girlfriends and the idiocy of hate mail. Really, it can be anything.

Overall, I try to absorb life so I'll have something to squeeze out onto the page. (In years to come, I'll either think the previous line is brilliant or I'll deny ever writing it.)

-- Nash

Letters #6 and #7 posted. How cathartic.

Cures for insomnia:

- a glass of warm milk
- Phil Collins music
- reading Honeygloom's contributions to SM

I'm concerned at you counting sheep so quickly after desiring a relationship (and "getting lucky," for that matter). Context, voor. Context.

(welcome back.)

Me object to a strong writer like Corny? Nonsense! Just because you suffer unending objections doesn't mean others should.

As for this chapter... It's an object lesson in objections. Take that however you want, but leave me out of it.

Nice little vignette.

A little surprised at the narrator's instant willingness to share the liquor. Perhaps that's a glimpse into his own vices, or maybe the long Russian film subliminally inspired him to search out vodka, settling for Night Train in its absence? The second swig is harder for me to swallow, especially with no reaction after the follow up "puking up blood" line. Apparently the narrator values comraderie more than personal health or hygiene.

I can't tell how much inspiration is derived from genuine concern as compared to guilt or some unspoken [yet] journalistic disposition. I like the lack of clarity on that point.

While this could become a multi-chapter story, I rather like it as a one-off. Let the mystery of the brunette linger. Speaking of which, I enjoy the way the narrator overlooks his disdain because she's worth the life experience/potential date. Nice work.

Bad relationship letters #4 and #5 are up.

Bad guys are always more interesting than good guys. Bad writers? Not so much.

Honey and I are up to chapter 3 of a little penpal ordeal. It's fun to write; feel free to contribute.

You're good at this. Too good. A natural, even.

Nice job casting a little more light on their dynamics while sustaining the venom. She is almost sympathetic. Love to hate her. I only wish a more competent author was writing her letters.

-- Nash

Aw man, now everybody's doing this! I suppose I'll have to come up with something else to make my comments stand out.

For starters, I can bump meaningless posts on top of ridiculous non-arguments about silliness. Yes, I think I shall.

I had to do it. In light of the current subject(s) in question, I won't apologize for it.

Your first parenthetical is a question and should have a question mark instead of a period.

There is one "P" in apostrophe.

Your last note - "I won't read it" - comes across as petty. You won't? Fine. I probably won't either. But if you're going to "knit" pick the Fearsome Foursome, be consistent.

Thank you. Don't forget to tip your servers. I'm going to hell now.

-- Nash

I want a lollipop! Root beer flavor!

Ace --

If you're willing to jump into the wayback machine, take a stab at The Idol. First chapter is by ShadowedPen, second chapter is mine. http://storymash.com/u/ShadowedPen/vifeluto/

Fine. I'll get this thing off the ground:

ShadowedPen's 2012 is a great sci-fi starter chapter: http://storymash.com/u/ShadowedPen/pofadiwo/

Agg's Magehunter series is a quirky little fantasy starring an endearing little prig: http://storymash.com/u/Aggeloi/pobemoki/

Dude. You know I'm a fan. I'm not sure whether to encourage you to write the whole book start to finish, undoubtedly fueling yourself with coffee (and whatever other stimulants) to keep the momentum - it'd be fitting for the immersion of paranoia that could/should sweep over the tale.

As much as I liked Mark and Greg, I would've preferred you skipping the prologue. Opening the story behind the Mighty Wizard's curtain did little for me. Okay, so even the "most powerful man on the planet" is worried. Though the situation calls for heavy drama, melodrama is still unwarranted.

While I admired some of the world (Mark's blanket, Charlie Sheen's demise (we can only hope!), the cybersentient coffee machine, the regularity of newly surfacing syndromes), the pacing was off. It's rare someone pulls of "he was an average guy" and makes it interesting. Thankfully, you kept that part brief. Again, I'd skip it and make readers aware later in the story, but it's hard to edit when you're vomit-drafting. Forgiven.

Great schnikey! Virus! Nice. Liked Mark's nonchalant approach to both sides of that coin. (They'll handle it; it's too big for us anyway.) Definitely captivating.

As with another piece of your near-future sci-fi, I have issues with how close to the timeline it is. Yeah, I like the reference to the real Y2K. My concern: while some of these things may be possible in the soon-to-be (and some may already exist), the salary/lifestyle to afford these things would be incredible. The technology may be available, but the financing for a literal home theater/virtual doc/etc. felt farfetched. (Then again, I'm a relative technophobe.) Mark seems too... average for such an extravagant home.

I'm curious why he terminated most of his interpersonal relationships. Yeah, he can work out of home, but to hole himself up outside of his work - he has depression, but what used to bring him joy? Besides coffee? Or including coffee - why not go to a barista and enjoy a real cup? Mark comes across as intelligent, at least smart enough to divert hermit-like tendencies. Was there a catalyst to make him never leave his fortress?

(I also enjoy your method of justification - have the lead question his reality. Reminds me of Wolverine in the first X-Men movie, which helped the audience relate. I simply would prefer if Mark was an individual more than "Brown-Eyed Brunette #730934BR19.")

Really good stuff. Looking forward to more. Debating whether to contribute, but I'll hold back until/unless you hit a heavy wall for yourself.

I'm trying to figure out if this is going The Stand/Left Behind/Hitchhiker's Guide. Whatever direction, it's been fun thus far. It seems like a hardcore environmentalist faction would enjoy this predicament as they'd be least effected. I almost want to see the father-son on vacation hiking the Appalachian Trail who doesn't realize what's going on. Except they see a nearby city at night gone dark. More accurately, they don't see the city at night. Spooky.

Good luck. I've never finished a novel. You should check with Silver (if she still checks SM) and Cheeseliker (who does) about National Novel Writing Month (November?).

As indicated, it depends on your goal. Personally, I found shouting "Watermelon!" was good for diffusing tension. (Confused people playing tennis on nearby courts, too.)

Another route is any four letter word that starts with "F." Seriously. "Frap!" "Fnog!" "Fleb!"

Still, my personal fave: "Piffle!"

(Technicality: I published my Sword & Sandal chapter minutes before writing my above comment.)

Nope. Pass. I'm lined up to do chapter 5 of the Zorro story, and unless I've forgotten something, I'm not attached to any other projects right now. Yeah, I'm a judge for round 1 of the perpetual next contest, so I won't even be writing something for that. I emailed Wolf to let him know he was up, though.

Chapter 4 is up and bashable. Mashable, I mean. Yeah. Mashable.

Doc --

If you're submitting all your stories on StoryMash to make serious money, you're in the wrong place. Seriously. I've been a member for over a year and I'm up to almost $35. (Not including contests.) You haven't yet hit a month. Patience. Congratulations for finishing so many stories (141 chapters - wow) before arriving here. Unless the admins here change their pay structure (which I don't fully comprehend), don't expect to make a big profit.

If, conversely, you're trying to enjoy what StoryMash has to offer, try mashing more chapters with other authors here. I saw you continued something by demeonte, but didn't catch any others. It's more a writer's community than a profitable endeavor.

Good luck, either way.

-- Nash

Haven't read any of this yet. I'll have chapter 4 posted by 5/19.

A recent forum entry by WWB hinted at a bigger picture: how to solicit comments. Generally, new contributors to the site want feedback - the more, the better. Readership is fine and dandy, but seeing a chapter has been read 238 times means little if no one has left comments. (Short comments like "nice work" and "good job" contain the same value as nothing at all.)

There's a forum to announce both new chapters and continued chapters. Writers have created a variety of posts to introduce their new stories. Projects don't lack promotion (though completing them often does). And yet, through all of those, unless I recognize an author's name whose previous work I enjoyed, I rarely check out the story.

The Featured Chapter, as explained by Katrina, is decided merely by mathematical formula.

Sure, I could search tags all day, but that doesn't tell me if an actual chapter is good. At the end of the day, that's what I want to read: good writing.

Would I have read Speechless if someone I respect didn't promote it? Nope. 3rd Sunrise can weave a yarn, but I don't spend much time searching out quality.

So.... Here's your chance to play two-bit critic. If you happen across a story worth promoting, do so. Everyone has different tastes, so what floats someone's boat might sink another's battleship. But use this forum to endorse a chapter/story that hasn't gotten much attention. Write a line or two about the story and increase the readership. If it leads to more comments/better feedback/easier searching for quality, where's the harm?

(I still believe the best way to earn readers is to write well, contribute to others' stories and make valuable comments. But this'll hopefully help too.)

What I enjoy most is your casual approach to something utterly outrageous. A sociological experiment of mutes sent to a desert with no instructions or directions? Yeah, okay. Doesn't that kind of stuff happen everday?

Your tone is consistent; your characters are nicely separated, especially considering you've only granted one a voice. What could be construed as gimmicky has carried you four chapters so far. I wonder how long it can go before wearing thin, but I don't see that happening at all - yet.

Like WWB and hebe, I'd be very interested to see where this heads. Keep up the good work.

Either (1) you type incredibly fast and think even faster; (2) you have a complete disregard for simple rules like 10-minute guidelines; (3) your eyes sparkle in the moonlight like limpid pools of Dr. Pepper; (4) the drugs haven't entirely worn off yet; (5) you've been hired to follow my posts with coded messages I'll never decipher; (6) tapioca; (7) chocolate and blue tasting cigarettes? Seriously, isn't the idea to get marketing AWAY from children?; or (8) D.

Dunno if most of StoryMash misses you, but I do. Thanks for doing the paranoid freak thing entertainingly.

-- Nash

You're not well.

Throw me in Agg's old fourspot. I've been stalking Honey long enough; it's about time she knew I followed her.

While I very much like the term and concept of "Revamp Alley," I don't see it jiving with the structure of StoryMash. For starters, changes to the format here (like quality points or redistribution of the miniscule financial gains) occur with glacier-speed. But that's not the primary reason.

Collaborative fiction and rewrites don't often cross paths. Outside of contests, it's rare to see anyone reposting a chapter with resolved issues. As a casual reader, I have little desire to return and reread chapters to see if faults were fixed. I've added several chapters to flawed origins (some my own, some by others). SM's gimmick is co-writing, not co-editing.

Authors here have no desire to rewrite someone else's work. Why bother reworking another's idea when I could spend that time bettering my own?

With the site's current capabilities, a writer's best bet would be to publish something in draft form, then solicit feedback with an announcement on the forums about how they'd like assistance overcoming plot holes/flat characters/logic jumps, etc.

You've got an impressive writer's resume; do you plan to post any chapters?

Your chapter aroused my curiosity. (Yes, my curiosity - that's what I'll say.)

I enjoyed the dimension you crafted with details - the last betrayal caused by the junior high gym teacher, your ventriloquist dummy analogy, the distracted "soaking wet." Nice touches.

I'm mostly curious to see what this story becomes. You've not committed to a genre yet - it could go mystery, romance, erotica, adventure... I didn't sense any particular direction beyond Lead pursuing Receptionist. That's sufficient for a short story, but it would be considerably more interesting if that was a subplot (or if other lines were subplots to this end). Can/will you layer? (Pun intended.)

I wasn't thrilled with the first or last paragraphs; they felt tacked on without being as thought out as the body. (Again, intentional.) I fully expect you've more to this, as your title doesn't yet correspond to the story.

(Reading this conjured memories of the movie Rodger Dodger. Hmm.)

Enthralled by your first paragraph - it's a spontaneous fireworks display. Colorful, energetic, dangerous. Great start.

The rest of the prologue isn't as tight, as Deacon backpedals, justifies, stammers, and tries to locate a good starting point. It's a shame, really. I want to see him jump right into the situation and run with it. If you're starting at the climax, then flashing back to the start of the story, it's a dangerous device since we already know where it's headed.

I think that's my big objection with prologues. I don't understand the current fascination with "Here, let me tell you a story." Scrap that and start the story. Especially if Deacon's adventure is as frantic, disjointed, frazzled, and obscure as you're setting it up to be.

Leave blurbs like prologues to marketing people or guest authors. Otherwise, they feel unnecessary (and often pretentious).

Don't get me wrong - I'm interested in seeing where Deacon goes. But after the initial firework display, how are you going to start the real story? An ordinary world would be a sizeable letdown.

Stated differently: I don't want the story pitch. I want the story. Stop telling and start showing.

I continued thamagnopen's Why I Write. I suppose it could've been added to my entry in the Introductions Forum. Hmm.

Quetz/Unknown Entity/Everyperson/Thetawaveb --

"Goodbye - this time for real?"

Apparently only in your reality.

I don't care whether you leave or not, but if you're going to spend your time quitting, then have the integrity and accountability to do so. If you intend to hang around, then spare us the quitting. Please.

Several people have asked how I get the extra line breaks with my comments.

Space. Enter.

Voila!

Anything you've written that doesn't end up in the final draft qualifies as notes. Think of it as film footage that hits the cutting room floor.

As Honey hinted, it's difficult to make further suggestions as to how to break through without knowing individual circumstances. If your character is a goldfish, odds are it'll have trouble wielding a machete. Better stated: I don't know why you need to work around the obstacles you've written in their way. Unwrite the obstacles, if necessary. Put the characters in a different situation/setting. If you're working an alphabet structure (trying to get your story from A to Z), avoid numbers. Simultaneously, make sure your letters are interesting and unpredictable. Inevitably surprising.

Backing away from the story isn't a bad thing, so long as you revisit it. Too often, when I choose that route, the ideas never see daylight again. Using WWB's analogy, don't let the tiger pass the point of feral and fear-inducing. The tiger can and will die if you don't feed it. New ideas are always more interesting to explore than old ones. Why else the term "novelty?"

(Should the tiger bite you in the ****, don't blame me. I only bite fingers. Preferably chicken or Vienna.)

So if you have the discipline and fortitude to set it down for better focus, it can provide clarity, focus, and new inspiration. For something on the site? I dunno. Seems like a blueprint for eternal draft status.

-- Nash

Congratulations! You have new notes!

Do you already know the ending of your story? Are you trying to fill in the blanks between now and then? Or are you going blind, seeing where the characters take you? If it's the latter, I'd say push forward. If it's the former, I advise backpedalling.

Retreat to a moment where you can take it multiple directions. Consider the important parts you want to include, then re-plot the steps from that point forward. You'll reuse some of the dialog, have a better understanding of your characters, and be prepped to avoid that pitfall again.

As mentioned, if you're going wherever it leads, keep going. Don't kill yourself over a dead end - pick it up from the other side and don't worry about the fix. You'll end up rewriting it later. (What, you thought this was your FINAL draft? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) Free write and follow the tides.

Priority: maintain momentum. If that means breaking through the wall with deus ex machina, so be it. You'll re-fix that later. Several times, probably. The worst thing that can happen is you sulk over the mishap and stall (lose interest). Usually, once a free-written story chooses to study instead of live, it's doomed.

It’s hard to give a thorough critique to an unfinished story, moreso when the current incarnation is little more than the prologue and a quick tease. Conversely, it’s less burdensome than working through several/many chapters and finding a starting point. This is the start. And that’s my first note.

It reads like a campfire tale. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s rare that I pick up a book that tells me what the story is going to be before starting the story. It’s a cumbersome format, and I don’t know the benefit. The way I see it, either (a) the setup is brilliant and the story is too, in which case why weigh it down with a setup? (b) the setup is brilliant and the story is lame, in which case I’m disappointed waiting for the quality of the tease, or (c) the setup is lame, in which case I have little motivation to proceed to the story. Not really a great solution. I’d rework the section before the scene break. Find a captivating start point. Exploit the tension and danger on the side of the road – a broken Deer Xing sign, the malicious/sadistic lack of a guardrail, fear of fog blowing in...

You have a knack for wording, but fine tuning is always helpful. Example: you shudder unintentionally at the sight of the earth’s white headed abscesses... Unintentionally? When would you shudder on purpose? It’s a great phrase without the word and feels like you’re trying too hard with it. Less is often more.

The road trip of a lifetime – beware hyperbole. The list of peaks is fine, but as a non-boarder myself (I skied somewhere in SoCal twenty years ago), rattling them off is unimpressive. If you’re reviewing them, say why they’re good. What makes one unique? Personalize it.

Again with the narration pulling me from the story. It worked in Princess Bride. Elsewhere? I’m drawing a blank.

Somehow, the Sisters come across as awkward more than creepy. Your intention is the latter, no? I don’t buy that Jeff has the lines because I have no reason to believe so. You may be the shy one, but with no background, all I see is two college horndogs picking up bunnies and feeling weird around them. Not freaked. Just abnormal. I getcha that you’re trying to establish a supernatural snowboard adventure, but five pages in, I’m overly anxious to start. You have a setup, but nothing’s happened yet. Picking up the hitchhikers hasn’t started anything. Wailing Face hasn’t started. Give me a morsel of action or horror, especially if that’s the premise of the setup. I recognize the site's nature allows other authors to take the story somewhere, but, with your intro, you've already hinted that you want to take it some direction. Do so. At least, begin to. (Would that bother me in a book as compared to a chapter-mashable-breakdown? Maybe not. But that's what it is here.)

Overall, you’ve got some nice style. Now give me better substance.

-- Nash

P.S. All you kids hoping to write for livings? If any of you make it, I want some mention or thanks. At the very least, a recommendation to your agent.

I read all three of your chapters, but I'm only commenting here as I see no reason to break down notes individually. If only I had a good starting point...

Am I to believe Steven's whole escapade was a peyote-induced hallucination? That he was lost in a golf sand trap (a la Homer Simpson)? I hope not.

Conversely, if he was indeed in the desert for an entire day, shirtless, his hands and feet decorated with cactus quills, I didn't feel the struggle, the agony, the hurt. Did he have a watch to consult for the time of day? How would he know which way was East near noon when the sun was high? Can't say I've spent much [any] time in Death Valley, but I imagine middsay sun would be more punishing. His head would fry. I'd guess his skin would be blistered and peeling by the afternoon. I never felt the severity of the pain.

Any reason he chose east? Alone in the desert, I'd expect the odds of him finding anything were slim to none. Even so, for the story's sake, I'm willing to concede that coincidence.

The rain, on the other hand, was too incredible for me to accept. That he meets with a friendly driver who happens to have sustenance - that's more than coincidence, that's divine [author's] intervention. I'm not buying it.

So I teeter back to the hallucination idea. In his dream, he murders Dad with a crowbar. Um... why? Dad wanted Steven to grow up and he killed Steven's rat. He stayed married to Mom for convenience. And he was evil because? Where's the murder motive? Why the rage? If there was unspoken abuse (emotional, physical, or otherwise), it needs to be indicated better. You've provided nothing to support Steven as a psychopathic killer. If his peyote trip motivated the crowbar batting practice, I needed to see that better defined.

Apparently it's a combination delusion/reality idea, as prompted by the last paragraph. Dad summoned an ambulance for his dehydrated son. Why was Steven in the desert? How'd he get there? What are the odds of him getting to the golf course at the same time his Dad was playing? What are the odds of him finding any civilization once he sacrificed a landmark (the diner) for the "safety" of the desert? That's twice he found himself in the middle of nowhere and lucked across a road and a golf course. Beware deux ex machina. If things feel they're heading that direction, err on the side of caution.

As for the structure, consider your pacing more carefully. There are a few paragraphs where every sentence begins with "He..." The little detail of sentence structure variety allows readers to flow more naturally, rather than going robotic. Combine phrases. Punch short ones. Paint with longer strokes, where you allow your words to weave, tease, and hint without being blatant or obvious about the image they create.

More importantly: Always show; rarely tell. When Steven knows the driver's or the cop's future, you're robbing your readers from the adventure. You can afford a major introspective moment, hitting Steven's mindset as he scorches and wanders. But don't allow him to think for other people, to see what someone "must" know, or to leap to conclusions.

Smalls that distracted: a "kernel of sand"? A speck? A grain, perhaps? New paragraphs for new speakers' dialog. Loose vs. lose.

Overall, I think you could ratchet up the tension fivefold - make me fret over his survival. Manifest the worry and fear. Solidify your motives and reasoning. Clarify the reality (dream vs. bloody scalp). Tighten your phrasing. Sharpen your images. Make your readers thirsty; make them taste the sandy drymouth Steven experiences.

...and when you've got that down, rewrite it three more times and you're there.

-- Nash

P.S. I don't pull punches, because you state in your intro how you hope to write for a living. You have potential. You have willingness. Now comes the work. So long as you enjoy the work, writing has endless joy to offer. I hope your teachers and mentors are both encouraging and honest in their criticisms. Good luck and good writing.

Yes, that's right. Nash bites.

I only bite because I care.

Ugh, indeed. Better yet, ignore the author "wolfram" and just read useful comments. Stupid lawyers.

If you don't like writing in 1st person, you don't have to. It's not lazier, but it creates a different effect. Paint in acrylic, oil, watercolor, or gouache. The medium and technique doesn't matter, so long as you create art. Ask Marcel Duchamp. Eesh.

WB -

You picked a day I don't feel like writing other projects that require my attention, so I'm procrastinating by responding here. Yay.

Personally, I don't care whether stories are told via first person or third person. It nags me when it changes mid-stream, but I'm sometimes okay changing between chapters, if the story merits it. (Told from several people, for example.) It's part of the nature of StoryMash's beast: with dozens of authors bringing their own POVs to the POVs of characters set up by others. Can't say I'm either surprised or disappointed by the phenomenon.

I rarely vote on anything where I'm not a judge; even then, I don't use the star system. But stories can be captivating using 1st or 3rd person, whether romance, suspense, or fish-out-of-pudding. I disagree with your assertion that suspense lends itself to characterization any more than any other genre. Good comedy needs dimensional templates to work from. Romance necessitates reasons for the characters to be lovable and loved. If anything, horror (often considered suspense) requires less characterization, as many characters end up bloodfodder.

I want well-written stories of solid people in clever plots. (Theme is comparatively insignificant here, as it crackles and dwindles with the method of multiple authors.) Often, that appears too much to ask. Even of myself. It isn't easy, but then, who said writing was supposed to be?

It felt like your rant was a long complaint, and I'm not sure why. Because the contests were won by suspense stories? Eh. Cliffhangers are the hook - both of the individual stories and the site itself. Suspense and cliffhangers work hand-in-hand. The victorious entries were written well. Yeah, first person, but so what? Other than me not winning more, the contests here are fine.

Sneeze is easily my highest rated story, which proves the rating system shouldn't hold too much stock. Write what you want, filter the criticism and comments, and get better. It's good practice. But then, all writing is good practice. Even grocery lists.

Write in 1st person, 3rd person, whatever perspective best tells your story. Unless you have a deliberate reason to leave your character vague, depth is preferred. Until more stories achieve completion, plot will be secondary to characterization. As previously indicated, it's the nature of the beast.

-- Nash

That would be me LePooching it. Dammit.

Chapter 2 of the Crime Thriller is up, and I need to shower.

Holy crap. I have to follow this? I love a challenge as much as the next guy, but... holy crap. Here's hoping I don't impale myself on that bar o'yours. (Maybe I should?)

By my count, I had another seven hours to publish this kickoff. Chapter 1 is up and running.

What? Did someone say Chapter 5? Why yes, it was me!

How long do I have to open this mayhem?

I'll take chapter 2 of the crime thriller and a side of bacon, please. (If I need to take the opener to preserve the order of requests, I can.)

Far from a stupid question, Ace. Well-thought out on your part. I enjoy broken heroes, and broken antagonists aren't explored enough. Here's an ex-human, (ex?)-priest, who obviously cannot believe "to die is gain."

One passage I often contemplate is Romans 7:14-20:

We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

Hopefully this chapter portrays that struggle. I may jump in again later.

Thanks for the offer, but... It's all yours, Cheese.

I knew there was a reason I didn't wear an ipod.

Q: If you broke StoryMash down, which authors would be humans (sly, greedy, longing for enhanced senses and longer life), and which would be zombies (strong, plodding, striving to get smarter)? What a fun, silly, campy story.

Well done.

I wanted to compliment the authors of Red for making me laugh many times. Great job, all.

I also enjoyed Vegas Wedding and Spinning Redemption. On top of that, I'm pleasantly surprised that Giant Rock is moving again and extremely surprised that the Saga is nearing completion.

All that said - and with the understanding that many writers here prefer contests to projects - is there any timeline on when the next slew of projects will surface? I've seen several mentions of ideas, and heck, I provided one or six. Looking forward to seeing what else we author-folk are capable of. (Besides whining like adolescent gophers.)

-- Nash

Continued BPW's Profitability of Undeath.

I'm guessing it's only me, but somehow I could see this story merging/intertwining with beanpole's new concoction. Lars and the Real Girl meets Shawn of the Dead (as if that wasn't already a hybrid)? It's a unique setup (pre-rotica?), and I wonder if the story will center around Marty's companion or if your spectrum (and/or speculum) will widen. I also wonder if anyone will continue this - personally, I'm not touching this with a ten-inch pole.

It's so hard to determine whether it's your style or your stories that I enjoy so much. Not a bad debate to have.

If awesome means some awe, then this is absolutely awful!

Quoth sy: "My goal is to eventually make a living by writing."

I imagine you omitted a word. Specifically: creative.

There are plenty of ways to earn a living writing. Technical writing. Journalism. Hell, even putting together grants to do research to do projects to write grants to... (see the circle?) The hard part is writing what you want to write and getting paid for it. I suspect that's the quilt this patchwork thread is trying to build.

Write what you want to write. Stretch your boundaries. Hone your abilities. Perfect your phrasing. Find the audience that appreciates it and hopefully get paid. Otherwise, you can get paid for writing what you don't enjoy. Could that open the door? Sure. But it won't guarantee any better shot of a dream writing career than doing what you like, and at least my way, you have fun in the process. (Blah blah, something about journeys and destinations...)

Crichton, Grisham, Kellerman, King, Rowling, Schmoe... They write what they want to write. Entertain yourself. If it's unique, good. If not, make sure you do it well. Nothing wrong with being the next __________, so long as you're not sacrificing yourself in the imitation.

The hardest part isn't the creative process, or even perfecting the work. It's finding the right audience. Good luck with that.

-- Nash

...especially when you let them broil in a nice marinade...

I'm not sure how to comment, so I'll ramble. Should you tire of it, skip down a few paragraphs and maybe I'll have changed directions.

I remember a good chunk o' 80's Christian rock. Steve Taylor, Servant, Bash N The Code, Mylon Lefevre, Degarmo & Key, One Bad Pig... Seen 'em all. Wasn't so into the 70's Keith Green or CCM that Amy Grant, Sandi Patti and others released. Followed a little into the early 90s with Margaret Becker, Out of the Grey, SCChapman, DC Talk, y'know, the pop crap. So I have some history with the genre.

In '00, I Interviewed Bill Mellany (Vigilantes of Love) to get a better idea of what makes music Christian. Remove the words and what's it worth? What if the band members interpret their mission differently? How does Jesus respond to a guitar lick or bass riff? How does an audience hear the Gospel in a drum solo? Or is the Christian side of music relegated to psalms, hymns and spiritual songs? Should Christian rock concerts require altar calls?

So I open your story, looking for your standard quick wit and deep thoughts, and I somehow missed both of 'em. The journal-ish narration does little for me. The backstory lacks uumph; while it's realistic enough, it doesn't captivate me. Max and the other band member may as well be Max and Ruby for all I know about them. Why the lack of details? Where's your usual charm?

It feels like this is an outline of a story rather than a final product. Is this leading toward Chris Rock (hmm) and his epiphany on the Mount? Will there be substance to his sin and redemption? Does he achieve depth?

Currently this feels like much of the Christian music I was a fan of back then. When you heard it, you knew it wasn't secular music. Different production. Inferior.

That music was aimed at teens, when people are most inclined toward committing their lives to Christ. Still the same target audience, I think, though I understand Third Day/Switchfoot/Skillet, etc. (not that I know them) have bettered the musicianship compared to most of what came out during my formulative years.

My all-time favorite album is Chagall Guevera. Christian? Discuss.

Read Dorothy L. Sayer's biography several years ago - she has an interesting perspective of Christian art. Worth researching. I can (and have) debate Christianity and art for months. Which is why I should probably shut up now.

Either go sarcastic, as the title leans, or go intricate and sincere. But don't go plastic. Please. There's plenty of Christian meh out there already.

(Lastly, before anyone jumps on me for getting on OSim's case, I correspond with him off-site as well and I consider him a friend. I simply think this is an inferior story for his talent.)

This rant brought to you by the National Coalition of Fruits and Veggies, the letters F and U, and the Society for a Brighter Tomorrow. Maybe I should feel guilty for downing a SlimFast chug-a-lunch with an Oreo chaser. Then again, perhaps the lack of edible joy ingredients in said lunch prohibit me from feeling anything?

And this, my friends, is why research is important. I always thought it was Prefontaine that cardiac arrested. Oops. I'll claim it was this character's mistake, even if I also botched it in WHY. I'm familiar with the band (Red Skies at Night), but never knew the singer's name. Spooky. Don't know the CSN song. Bullwinkle's hat? Not again! I'm still missing the D&D reference - why Gygax?

I'll see what I can do with the new trio.

Annie Wilkes --

I've alerted the authorities and your restraining order covers the forums, the projects, comments, and any continuing chapters. Should you breach a territory I've established as mine, you must kneel thrice towards Vegas and recite the mantra:

"Hero, savior, deity Nash
I beg of you, take all my cash."

To further prove your devotion without infringing upon my personal cyberspace, enclose $500 (American) along with six box tops of my favorite cereal, a UPC from something furry at the pet store, and a fabricated death certificate assuring me that my genius transcends the grave.

(Well written. Funny. Weird. Loved almost everything about it, but would've liked better closure. Big bang finish.)

-- Nash

I thought way too hard about this, and I condede defeat. The only definite I found was "assholism," but other potentials include:

* names. Only mentioned since you started with Nash and ended with Jim.

* the difficulty at a restaurant requiring the manager's assistance, a possible nod to Bad Tips.

* Surrounded by idiots. I use this phrase consistently; whether or not it appears in my writing, I'm not sure.

* Mr. Miyagi - you've referred to me as your mentor before, as did someone else once. Can't remember if they credited Pat Morita.

* BK is it? That sounded out of place. No clue how it relates, but it popped.

By the way, I love the term "manifest coincidence." If I didn't think of that, I should've.

If you want to throw out three variables, I'll see if I can continue it elsewise.

-- Nash

Already done one and want another challenge? Use 'em all: BELIEVE, DRUNK, BASEMENT, DARK, REVENGE, LUST, FOOL, DIZZY, OCEAN, PAIN, LAUGHTER, MACHO , SERIOUS, MADNESS, SLIME, SECRET, TOILET, BETRAY, SLEEP, SOUL, SLICE, FALL, PRISON, SAINT, SNEEZE, LOVE, SILENCE, MAGICAL, PILLOW, KUNG-FU

My writing license may be suspended after this one, but SNEEZE is up for perusal.

What's in it for me? No, wait. What am I in for? (Maybe I was right the first time?)

An impressively plotted out hello
You served up the crazy bordello
Charlotte serves ten-to-life
Steve serves dinners, serves wife
But which venue serves better jello?

You're not right in the head, Cris. This we knew. Thank you for your healthy dose of sickness.

"He'll be"? Future tense? I'll take that as a compliment.

In the "Wow, that was fast" category, I started a new (Le Bloggish) story last night, and Synapto continued it this morning. Slackers, conspiracy theories, and weird variables abound.

Well done, Syn. Or - should I say - Sy? Cy? Is there something here that we should be aware of?

One thing (or three). You need to supply the variables for the next chapter.

I like the development of the characters, the setup for milfy Ms. Rutledge, and the hanger on his way to (or in) jail. You matched style and voice. Bravo!

FYI: Yours may not be the only branch. As mentioned, I wrote the chapter on a challenge, and I reciprocated to BPW. Dunno if or how I'll continue either, but these make for fun writing exercises at the very least.

-- Nash

I think of myself as a comedy writer, which means I have to have some ability at whatever other genre someone suggests. I've butchered romance, crapped the bed through erotica (and not in a good way, if there is such a thing), and even sci-fibbed. I tend to prefer suspense without gore (mystery?), and a big laugh trumps almost anything. That much said, the thing I struggle writing most is ransom notes. There's the cost-benefit analysis, timelines, and all the technical jargon, and inevitably I start reading the magazines for the articles rather than simply cutting out the necessary letters to say "Give me big cash or you won't see your daughter again."

Seriously: expand your horizons. Even in StoryMash, I've tried most of the projects in some form or fashion because they make me think differently. It hones your craft and allows you to discover new ways to integrate your style. Embrace challenges and step on their toes before they get a chance to kick you in the shins. Whatever you write, have fun writing it. Or get paid. Sellouts and Epicureans. Enjoy.

I was challenged to include three variables in this chapter (much like I did to myself in Le Blog). Must use 'em all.

1. "That's when he stole my electric toothbrush."
2. "Never ask a fried egg about politics."
3. Squirrel must play a key role in the main action of the chapter. (Considering the lack of action, I think it qualifies.)

Three variables for continuing.

1. "Two half-off coupons won't get you a free buttkicking."
2. "A strong suit of conversational mayhem."
3. An unconventional use for tinfoil.

(soul notwithstanding)

I saw ER once. Does that count?

By that, are you valuing your life as worth $300? How do you defend against the ensuing murder rap? Why not go sporty and make it a boxing match to the death - knock your opponent out and touch their nose. Do you still suffer the effects of the disease, though you don't die from it? Many diseases deteriorate their sufferers until they want to die; are you not spared that mercy? Why not have a balloon toss with the projectiles filled with liquid mercury?

Personally, if it was a transfer-and-be-cured, I'd search out a guy on his death bed and let them carry the burden beyond. Not just anyone terminally ill; find the guy who's down to hiccups in his flatline. Better still, shake the hand of a death row inmate as he walks the Green Mile.

What ifs offer a wide array of plots, and I highly recommend using them. While you're at it, don't forget to flesh out your characters and create a reason to care. If there's no one to latch onto, it doesn't matter how good a what if is.

Color me impressed. While this isn't technically a Twitter story, I like how you maintained the brevity and spirit. Honestly, I wrote and published it here because I couldn't think of what else to do with it. And now this comment is longer than the chapter itself.

[space] [enter]

I like lemonade, but not when it's fresh squeezed.

Thank you, Bean, for your consistent idiocy. There are moments when this part of the cranial universe feels so empty, but when I collect my thought (singular), I realize all we are is dust in Math 2050.

Yipe. That's a big container o'worms, you got there, JD. Be careful with your can opener.

While I agree that something should be done to monitor the content, I'm coming at it from a conservative viewpoint. What's offensive to me includes more than what's offensive to many others. Should erotica be banned? Misogynistic torture porn? Debatably-fiction conspiracy theories? Government bashing? Bad **** language?

Comments are an awful measuring stick for banning people. I expect if something like the voting-to-get-flagged/monitored/banned passes, people will vote more on the comments. If/when a troublemaking clique forms, boom - they vote everything down and everyone gets flagged. It's next to impossible to stop idiots on parade.

I believe Katrina and Honeygloom monitor things as well as they can. (Maybe that's why Honey's writing is so abyssmal?) I seem to remember reading that they see every story and comment. Annoying, exasperating, and not so much fun. I'd love to ban some authors (and have suggested as much in the past), but (1) it's too easy to come back with a new log-in, (2) something about freedom of speech blah blah yadda. Yes, the site is not a democracy and if Ethan deems someone goes, they're gone. (At least temporarily.)

Check out new writers and give them a chance. If they offend (or plain suck), ignore them. Let them build their groups of admirers. If they comment on your stories, ignore them. The internet provides a wide array of assholism, and this site is no exception. Show respect, give respect, hopefully get respect. If not, move on. Not from the site, per se, but from that user. There are plenty of authors I've given up on. So it goes.

I recognize my solution is flimsy at best, but it's the best I got. I'm open for ideas, and I suspect SM is too.

-- Nash

Vike –

Pardon me for a moment while I put on my big bad Nash costume. It helps the drivel ooze.

What did you add to the story? Circle Kay has no back story, no motive, and minimal mindset. Each of the previous chapters delved into their characters. Jonas, Lacey, and Todd each have unique thought processes, histories, and reasons for progressing through their ridiculous circumstances. Vegas is seedy, operates on its own rules. Perfect setting for a corrupt priest, a lightweight ditz, and a manwhore who’s trying to advance in a less-than-lawful syndicate. I’m not sure why Circle is in this mess beyond his father’s instruction. Does Circle enjoy his job? Does he have aspirations for something bigger? Off the old man and take over? Make enough to go to some South American country and smoke reefer in a cabana for the rest of his days? Fully recognize his photography talent and become the next Mapplethorpe? Financially support his daughter who still lives with her addict mom?

Who is he? You’ll notice the length invested in each of the other chapters – use that time and space to establish Circle Kay. Give me personality, influence, depth.

If that’s not enough:

- Streakers don’t get on the news. Airtime [theoretically] encourages them, which is why cameras always cut away to something inane when a nudie sprints across a sporting event. If you want something spread across the news, scandals are good. Worse: “The news would be more widespread than Jenna Jameson.”

- You’re neither the first nor last to do this, but when characters get nicknames, that’s what they go by. He may go by Circle Kay, he may go by Circle, but if the effort is made to give him a nickname, it’s nice to use it. My name is James. I go by Jim. No one besides my older sister calls me James. (Plus, everyone on the StoryMash - now.)

- You tell. Don’t tell. Show. “His mother only died a year ago, and now he was screwing around. But that was the way of the crew.” Credit for conciseness, but it could be set up for so much more. If it’s a father/son relationship (as Dog established), show me Circle’s perspective of it. “They burst through the doors of the chapel, shooting off their guns to get attention of the people inside.” Of course they got the attention of the people inside. Shooting guns has that tendency. Show me his sudden surge of power and entitlement, the squelched reluctance, or the released anger toward something else he’d previously suppressed. Show.

- Proof. Even in your comment: "Good lick..." (Don't get me wrong; who doesn't love a good lick?)

Overall, be courageous and bold. Don’t apologize for your work, even if it merits one. Do your best to match or exceed the level set before you. This chapter feels like a commercial teaser, and I’m not sure the director caught the best parts.

Circle is a throwaway character at this stage. If he dies, there was no reason for readers to be attached. I don’t like him or hate him; I’ve little reason to care.

Reread Hebe’s and Dog’s characters to pick up on how they created their own world while retelling the story. Check out some of synapto’s stuff, as he’s gone that direction with a few chapters too. It’s not easy maintaining interest while going over the same retread, but the scene sets up five distinct characters.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go kick a helpless dog.

-- Nash

I'd like to nominate honeygloom as the all-time worst writer ever to grace StoryMash with her drivel. Never before or since have chapters been so tireless, or for that matter, clutchless, steering columnless, or glove compartmentless. She must suffer from DMS (Dyslexic Monkey Syndrome), a horrifying, incurable disease caused by a throng of Shakespearean pre-pube-primates thrashing her skull with their thousands of typewriters. Unconstrained by logic, free will, or cabbage, the behind-the-scenes had to jump the curtain to rid the site of her author-izations, employing her in the process. Honey: please, for the sake of all that is good, much of that which isn't, and the occasional bit in-between, please, PLEASE don't post any more of your prose, poetry, or font tests anywhere, lest we suffer blindness from the sheer worstability of it. Thank you.

Dammit, I knew I shouldn't have edited out my line about Grover crapping Lucky Charms. Live and learn. Well done.

I call crap!

I'm not part of this mess, but I say Publish. Showoff.

Syn --

Firstly, welcome to the site from someone who's been around the block a few times and lost a frisbee on the neighbor's roof. I'm always flattered when someone opts to continue one of my chapter, even moreso when they take a fresh approach. Yours was unquestionably interesting. Dunno if you've checked the Projects page, but yours seems similar to the current Vegas in how several authors retell the same story from multiple POVs.

I'm curious about Craig James. He's undercover, pursuing Dennis for an unwritten reason, retains names and faces well enough from his years of police work, and has a wife and baby at home. Got that. I don't know why Dennis nods at him or why he's so passive during the restaurant confrontation. Might there be ways to prevent/calm a restaurant without revealing his officer status?

"Gorram?" I'm a Firefly fan too, but here, it sticks out like a Companion in a Cracker Barrel.

Mostly, while I enjoyed your style, I'm not sure how this forwards the story. Perhaps I wasn't following the title?

Should you add to other chapters (and I notice you have), you may want to make a note of it in the forum. I created a section to announce Continued (not new) Stories so people in your situation didn't get overlooked.

Again, welcome to SM. Good luck and good writing.

-- Nash

Me? Brevity? Ha!

http://www.zazzle.com/short_attention_span_shirt-235413554937674894

Hey, look! A chicken!

SO I LIED. REVISED VERSION FORTHCOMING. DANGIT.

Oh yeah: the magic cell phone is an interesting angle too. Batteries that last forever. Coverage that reaches underground labs. Wonder what other Ian Fleming aspects it possesses. (Can you hear it now? Good.)

While I debate whether I want to invest the time and effort to revise, proof, and hypocritically resubmit my final entry, I thought I'd pull a Wolf/Ryan and list the issues that I saw to be covered in the omega chapter.

The ball got rolling with the threat on Maribel's life. She should be dead by Monday. Interestingly, everything thus far has occurred Friday. Each segment picked up immediately where its predecessor left off. So why should Maribel be dead? Who made the threat, why was it made, and will (how will) it be followed-up?

Agg upped the creepy, supernatural factor with the kids going Children of the Corn, appearing and vanishing. I magnified that further. Why are the kids zombie-esque? Wolf brought the school buses to the school where Maribel teaches, but why would the replicants board the buses in the middle of the night? Where the heck are the parents through all this; why would they let their kids be abducted/led on midnight yellow buses? Does it matter how many there are?

With the Society versus Agency dynamic, which side will Maribel favor? Who's the bad guy? I like the ambiguity here, where no one's clearly wearing white hats. As such, is Robert a pro or con? Pete? (The Mayor, Wilkes, and the rest seem to be supporting characters, but they could make interesting twists for the conclusion.)

Wolf's showdown setup has the kids in danger. How will this (they) be executed?

'Course, not all these questions need to be addressed. Character limits are one reason to lessen the burden of exposition, and by no means should every loose end be neatly tied.

As always, write well, write strong, and good luck to all. (Now I'll reprint mine and take the red pen to it. Crap.)

-- Nash

Paul? Really? I did that. Yep, I did. That's what I get for skipping my proof. Dang. I'm not posting a revised version, so judges, have at it.

Just like Vegas. I gamble so much, I even lost my socks.

As always, similarities between contest entries are remarkable. Well written, smooth yet forceful. Tragic - the other kids didn't escape the auditorium? Oh my. Strangely, as sizeable as the chapter is, it felt a little short. Quick resolution, I suppose; one of the realities of solving things with bullets. I like the conclusion - two hunted kids - and the alpha of a new family for Maribel. Closure with an open window. A strong effort and entry. (4)

I'm procrastinating, so I thought I'd grace some forum entry with the wisdom accumulated from years of BSing. Congratu-sorry, dkk, as yours is the winning loser.

Firstly, what you have thus far doesn't sound like a story idea. It sounds like a device, but the world below would be the story. Much like the train to Hogwarts isn't the story itself. Now if the event occurs in the hot spring during their drowsiness, then the hot spring itself might transcend into storyness.

Any reason the teens are stupid? Besides the redundancy, I mean.

I seem to remember the movie script for Lethal Weapon started because the writer thought of someone trying to talk down a suicidal jumper, then handcuffing him and jumping both of them to safety. I've had stories start from a line of dialog or a single word. (My current word to evolve is "Stopgap.")

If you have other ideas in production, I'd advise steering away from this stray. Write it down in a notebook with other random thoughts, concepts, ideas, settings, characters, etc. ALL WRITERS SHOULD KEEP NOTEBOOKS.

If this is your only dog-and-pony show, by all means work on your vomit draft. Or post something on here and see how/where it evolves. Good luck with seeing how it flourishes. Or flops. Even if the latter occurs, make the effort to put something together. Because all ideas are crap. Until you have something on paper/screen, it doesn't matter.

Wanted more out of this than I received, but perhaps that's because I'm one of the politically ignorant. Ah well. You've done sharper efforts... difficulties nailing the timeframe... seems very near future, too much so for implanted wrist chips... overuse of ellipses... still curious to see where this goes.

If hoping for diamonds and rubies
When doing a play filled with newbies
The best/breast it gets
For theaters and sets
Is wallpaper-esque Busty Boobies

Favorite obscure line: “a water cooler with a 5 gallon jug that somehow had managed to get dusty on the inside.” Great way to capture Steve’s perspective.

Amazing – no script, no clue, and already it’s becoming a TV show. Heh.

Gangs. It's taking a minute to sink in, mainly because so many pieces are trying to cling to the outside of my skull. Gangs. Gangs?

The Godds are an unquestionably interesting twist, but at this phase of the story, does it work? Explanation/justification for the plane crash and ensuing adventure? Yes. Explanation for Jake's "You'll be dead by Monday?" I suppose he could've heard someone 'made' say as much.

Strange turn for a story which turned supernatural in #2 and moreso in #3.

Gangs.

I'm to infer the Godds found them at the end? Good hanger, if that's the case. But... avoid/beat/trick the mafia, save the kids, solve the mystery to why her agent status is jeopardized, seal the deal with Wilkes/Chomsky... That's a tall order, and I'm not sure everything fits on one menu. Almost feels like you ordered Taco Bell triple steak at a different restaurant altogether. I like the quick-and-easy-yum of the Bell. But I'm uneasy bringing it into another establishment.

For all my kvetching about exploring alternatives, can I see this as a viable direction? Gangs?

In a ten chapter, maybe. But I need the backstory for Robert's involvement, and there's no time. Round hole, oval peg.

(3)

Is it only me, or has anyone else noticed the line directly belwo Forums > StoryMash Projects and Contests > COMMUNITY VOTING DAY BEGINS NOW:

Ads by Google. Writing Contests. Song Contests. Voting Accessiblity. Bikini Contest.

Um...

The current difficulties of sustaining interest for five chapters is one issue. If this site starts posting bikini shots of Wolf or WWB, I'm so gone and never coming back. (I suppose there's one strategy to keep me out of contests... whatever time-ish they may be.)

Maribel was exhausted from trudging a flight of stairs? Apparently she forgot that agency life is a marathon, not a sprint? I mention this because she doesn’t sound like herself. She follows him because she feels she owes him? "What does that do?" I’m more in accordance with her "I was sure I looked like an idiot," which again, doesn’t remind me of Ms. B.

Her questions are OTM. "What are these bodies? Why are they here?" She's a clever woman. Her mind should be racing to beat Robert to the answer to that question. Simultaneously, she should absorb every piece of information, especially what Robert provides as the answers. She somehow forgot her training?

Inventive explanation of why it’s harder to clone kids. I like it.

Why/How did Lockley become the Mayor of a city in Oregon? That feels like a big setup to a punchline about mad scientists in politics, but I’m missing it. His approach is so casual, even flippant. Doesn’t sound like the corrupt televangelist smile introduced in chapter 2.

Confused: "[Maribel] was so entranced by [Lockley’s] story." Why? Isn’t he recanting her experience?

Whoa! BIG LINE: "I was the least loyal wife ever to exist on the planet, maybe more than the planet." Where did that come from? That’s hyperhyperbole! When/how/where did the least loyal wife come from? Vows almost always end with "Until death do us part." He died. Marriage parted. What a huge elephant to stock the room with as your hanger!

I appreciate the avenues you’ve freed up with whether Robert/Danya are the real them – heck, it opens a door that Maribel may not be herself either. Although Robert knows he’s a clone and the original died. Seems to conflict his earlier explanation.

Big points for boldness. But I’m missing the consistency. It feels like a different story, detached from the first three chapters, bordering on evil Dr. Jekyll camp. (Dr. Horrible, perhaps?)

(2.5)

You and your lawyerly pretty damn goods.

At the current rate, it appears that a shameful 20% of the judges will have comments up the day before the winner is announced. Especially shameful since that I'm that sixth.

(Intentional.)

Admired the style. Disconcerted about the substance. While Marabel might be a [consistent] typo, Richard is a stretch.

"You know what you want to know." Fantastic statement of Robert's character. Wish I wrote it.

Great, catchy dialog and explanation. Style will carry you far. Unfortunately, this was a Fun Size candy bar. Hardly enough for a tease. Tastes like it should, but damn! It's gone already?

Disappointed it didn't provoke the storyline much further, and I'm not any surer where Robert and Hiram stand. For it's location in the plot, it needed more answers and lead-ups. Integrate more, keep your flavor, and you're in the mix.

Short critique? Yep. Short chapter.

(2.5)

At the very least, if the longitudes are going to be confusing, the latitude for submission timelines should be observed. A definitive American time zone would prove helpful.

(That said, I'll continue my high horse of if you want to avoid any confusion, submit early. 80% (my crap math) of this round's entries surfaced 12/10 and later. Cheese submitted 12/4, sumed on 12/8, so there was time.)

Only ten competing chapters? I suppose that makes discerning the top ten easier. Methinks SM'll need to take a different route altogether for the next contest, as interest wades after the halfway mark. Hmmm.

...and now that I've read the other comments, I'll admit I went to art college. 10, 12, 42, they're all the same number.

Dammit. I put together a complete comment and accidentally backspaced my way off the webpage. Pardon if this second take feels abbreviated; I know I've several to go.

I missed Maribel.

Even in the craziest moments (and she's already encountered plenty, what, with being a gunpoint hostage in the midst of a zombie parade), she reserves a fragment of her mind for cognitive plans. Her training prevails to the extent that she can multitask through whatever else is occurring. Felt unnatural when she was reduced to a shambling stutterer. Seeing a decade-old ghost-spouse regain flesh is disconcerting, but I wanted flashes of attempts to retain her sanity, her methodology.

Phil the mailman is Pete the janitor? Kudos for having the balls to be proud of it. Likewise for turning the kids into the bad guys. I'm not sure if I'm sold on either, but I thoroughly respect the go-for-broke approach.

C.H.I.L.D. feels like C.O.N.T.R.O.L., especially with everyone revealing they're an agent. (You'd think they'd cross paths at a Christmas party.) If 20% of the corpses in DeKalb were agents, either it's a sizeable operation based in Iowa (odd home) or it's a mini-op that was unfortunately located for it's biggest sting. I'm a little confused how many the body count entailed, which leaves me cloudy on CHILD's status. If there's a branch/beret dedicated for Infant lives, wouldn't there be a sibling operation for children/youth/adolescents/etc.?

Aw hell, if Maribel was the top woman of the operation in Iowa, wouldn't she be more an insider than she is?

"He waited for me to respond, and when I didn't--I couldn't--he continued further." Accurate assessment.

The death threat was the catalyst that reawakened the hallucinations/sickness?

Wow. You've no qualms about going big. Reintroducing Danya? Impressive. The reveal was huge, but as a hanger/lead-up for the final chapter, I'm not sure if another page wouldn't've benefitted your story. Here she is. This is what's up. And then, the plank for the following author to walk before jumping to the sharks.

Major credit for innovations. Dings for jumps I wasn't able/willing to believe. (3.5)

Beware the tendency to unfold things very deliberately, even redundantly. Often, you provided extra words/phrases/sentences that covered what readers can safely infer. This was mostly apparent with your "as if" statements, of which there were seven. It became distracting. Be bold with your similes and metaphors! Delve unapologetically into the meat of your story! Skip "we were all deep in thought." "I gave Lockley a plain look in silence before exiting the car." "[Lockley] crossed his arms and stood in front of the stairwell entrance, as I sat before giving a nod to Robert to begin his explanation." Search out the interesting/quirky details and nuances and enlighten those to paint your scene.

As for the story - it's workable. I appreciate the observatory finally being recognized, even if it's merely a front for a secret underground lair/lab/residence. Interesting to see the mayor as a good guy, though I'm not sure I buy that.

If Robert was indeed in seclusion all these years, I'd like to see the toll. Obsessive madness, the fringes of chaos, as it were.

If the negative results were behind the door, why Lockley's smirk? It's a curious cliffhanger, and while I thoroughly respect your bounding out in a different direction, this particular resolution didn't feel natural. Admittedly, a chunk of that is the altered style from the first three chapters.

Maribel becomes an observer and learner rather than an instigator. Robert exposes/exposits his research. The Mayor reveals a protagonist/antagonist flip. For the lead in to the final chapter, I needed more.

(2)

Variety is the spice of life, even when the spice cabinet is mostly full of arsenic and hemlock.

Weird "it-was-only-a-dream" thing, which I've always felt was a copout. Except, in your case, the dream was forced. Justifiable. Could the kids possess and harness that level of power? Not only reading thoughts, but implanting visions in others? To your credit, you don't half-**** it. I'm not sure how teleportation, telepathy and telekenesis jive (besides the prefix), but you believed it and tried to sell it.

Not a fan of the recap in your third paragraph. For a weekly serial, it makes sense. But once these chapters are finished, it'll all be one shebang. Unnecessary. Some of the dialog was OTM, as well, though that's more justifiable with children. They see it, they say it without masking.

Curiosity: "We had to make you see what will happen so you can get away." If it will happen, isn't she destined to make it happen? Can you avoid your destiny, even by altering the runway? (Oh, my head hurts.)

Louise sounds pretentious and overly intelligent until "OK, let's cut the crap." That's a grownup. Out of character.

I like the damming. I like the think/speak pattern you conveyed with Maribel. Even/especially with the Damn-that-freaks-me-out bits. (Watch verb tense inconsistencies.)

Why did Louise and the boys drop like rag dolls? Sure, they were distracted by the Mayor's arrival, but it didn't appear Jake and Amy were powerful enough to overtake Lou. (Good bully name.)

Weird phrasing for Ms. B. when they unlock the Explorer. They already understand telekenesis; no need for her to have paid attention to Rob's quantum mechanics. Felt forced, especially twelve year old info. (Admittedly, I was no science major, but the only thing I remember from 95% of my classes - college and high school - is the definition of "meniscus.")

Nice reappearance of "We're doing it for the children" after fate was twisted.

The ending felt abrupt. Yes, a cliffhanger, but I'm not sure if it's a setup for the final confrontation. Seems like Lou's the ringleader and not Robert.

All in all, I'm thrilled with the alternate direction, but I'm not sold on the product. Is layaway an option?

(3.5)

I scribbled notes while I read your entry. Then I tried to decipher my notes. There's a reason I type everything.

I'll leave proofreading to Kat and the sisters.

I'm stuck somewhere between slow and suspenseful. Maribel meets Robert, gets embraced, slaps him, disables Hiram, then threatens her ex for the bulk of the chapter as they move through the building and lab. Thanks for moving the scene along through the fortress and laboratory during the exposition - helps when events progress alongside the dialog.

I had difficulty latching onto the characters' mindsets. Maribel is furious, gets even angrier (nice line), and melts when she realizes how hard Rob tried [and failed] to replicate Danya? Why so angry in the first place? I'd rank confusion as paramount. Overwhelmed. At times, you had her thinking through her words, and those sounded more like the Maribel of the earlier chapters. There were two lines that jumped out as _almost_ right:

"That's for kidnapping me at gunpoint and for generally being an ****." Generally? It seemed a better setup for a stronger trash-talk for someone as clever as Ms. B.

"Just come with me. You can keep your weapon on me the entire time." O.T.M. I know Robert is confident and thrilled to see her, but I can't hear him saying that. Sounds wrong.

You also fought a difficult battle of strange phrasing and pauses. It's a hesitant conversation and she... she sometimes had difficulty drawing out... the proper words. Somewhere along the line, the ellipses distracted me. I don't have a solution, but it's something to watch. (Says the guy who overuses hyphens.)

When she locked Hiram into the car, I wanted her to bang/kick the trunk lid. Something to demonstrate her frustration without taking it out on Robert. And then hubby offers his arm? While she still has the gun? Odd.

"You choose the beginning, and I'll choose the ending." There's the think/speak I admire.

Wanted more from "his help had led to more than a passing grade, and we were married right after the summer..." I dunno. "He tutored me in biology. We practiced chemistry on our own." Ouch, that's dreadful.

Do parents keep the fetal demise from miscarriages?

Genius turn with the fertility expert quack.

In a Society fortress, two guards with guns stop them as the elevator opens. No noticed watchmen elsewhere (which could've easily explained Hiram's escape, BTW - the release latch was unnecessary), no snipers, no safeguards beyond two armed guys who dismiss them after an argument? A tad convenient. Sounds like Robert is the head of the whole plant (is he?), but with the FBI after them, I'd expect better protection. Case in point, when she lowers the weapon and hugs him, they're in the lab - where'd Maurice go? They didn't follow?

Good handling of her double-existence.
Gratuitous explanation of the Society.

I want Rob to keep a cigarette on his ear. Or in his shirt pocket. Some reminder of Iowa. Does he still wear a wedding band?

I have to believe with all the crap going on there, a cell phone signal wouldn't make it through an elevator and underground lair. Then again, agency phones have already proven themselves superpowered with batteries that last years and reception that spans Oregon highways. I'll grant you that.

"Danya was the biplane target. Not you." Whoa.
"Dead by Monday. Move up the timetable." Triple-whoa.

Great set up at the school with Pete, and I like the justification of the busloads of kids. To the school. To go boom, I suspect. Nothing like a ticking bomb (even symbolic) to initiate the conclusion chapter.

(4)

'Twas asked of me when 'tsokay to use fragments instead of sentences. Some folks apparently feel they need to include nouns and verbs in between periods, without fail. Teachers who promote good grammar can and will back that statement whole-heartedly. Luckily, I'm not a teacher.

I'm sure there are pure rules of when it's proper, but for the most part, it's a feel thing. It's fine to do it whenever you want. Like now. See? (Technically, "See?" has an implied "Do you".)

One of the most powerful CHAPTERS - not sentence, mind you - for me was in Stephen King's Misery. The entire chapter:

Rinse.

Often, fragments need the previous sentence to lead into them. The "Like now" instance earlier would also work with a comma replacing the period. That's common. Fragments also work to emphasize. Not for empathy, for emphasis. Considerable difference.

Frustrated? Confused? Use this guide: if it distracts you when reading it, fix it. (If it feels good, do it? How often do I supply _that_ piece of advice?)

"Red stiletto heels and a cigarette holder." There's a good, hard-boiled set up.

I don't use emoticons, but I'll often tag a final word onto a paragraph to convey my feeling about it. Bummer. Eesh. Whatever. Hooray! No! Honest. Moron. Had to be done.

I'll now let the certified instructors have their say while I get back to my regularly scheduled program. Whatever that means. 'Night.

Deliberate, thorough description to open. Loved the detail, disliked the pacing. From last chapter’s hanger, it lost the buildup. New tension arose as I awaited Maribel’s and Robert’s confrontation, but I’m not sure how much of that was suspense and how much was get-to-it-already!

Walk. Turn around. Be quiet. I was told all of these things by my dead husband. Ooh. Just like a ten year spousal absence to require counseling. Heh.

Nice touch with the scar. Still wishing more happened already. Big running start, so to speak.

I understand Lockley sees Robert as authority, but he may as well have been another faceless CDC suit for his contribution. Would’ve liked some reaction, some humanity to Hiram. Spiteful obedience? Sycophant loyalty? Insider’s sneer? Something. Dispatching of him was an afterthought; as Mayor of the city (and with his historical ramifications), I think he deserved more. Then again, he’s not dead yet.

Enjoyed Rob’s recruitment schpiel. “Useful.”

Liked the bringback of Project Scarecrow. Brilliant connection with the crop dusting. Fantastic job justifying the busload of zombie kids too. Didn’t feel like they were retreads; rather, you helped clarify matters (in ways I’d not thought of when I wrote ‘em). Incorporating Pete’s involvement, the [now explained as sick] Jake and Amy... Genius.

Didn’t like his teasing reply to her inquiry about Danya. Unnecessarily distracting, and pissed me off. Let him provide the exposition (easy to swallow, but chunky nonetheless), and save Danya’s resolution until later. I get the why, but it felt more like a tease than anything.

Would’ve preferred a way to somehow demonstrate a scene to provide much of the exposition, for that matter. Dunno how, and the character limit had to be close, so... Smaller pieces.

My main concern is the pacing. It read smoothly and quickly, so it’s not so much a complaint, but it appeared bulky. The bricks turned out to be individually crafted and painted.

Curious how the files Maribel has accumulated have anything to do with Repensil. Should make for a fun question to answer in #5. Good exit and setup. Phase Ten will never be a card game again.

(4)

I was pleased to see it pick up where it left off, but that diminished as the first five paragraphs provided more of a summary than further momentum. Like Cheese, you used the location as a rendezvous - reasonable. (I need to drop the observatory/community college thing...)

The warehouse reminds me a little of CONTROL (Get Smart). As does Robert's willingness to explain the whole shebang. I recognize the necessary exposition, but it would've been nice if Maribel prompted the backstory somehow. Initiated it. Though she's the story's lead, it felt like this chapter was mostly contained to providing the aptly titled History.

Good leave for the final confrontation. Curious to see how Maribel "saves" the children, or what "wipe out" they need to be saved from.

I like the SCNT angle; would've liked more of it. I think that's my major bummer: needed more. (3)

Cheese --

As yours was the first submission this round, you get the honor of my first critique. Hopefully, it'll be an honor and not a bitch session. (Rumor has it I've done both.)

I'll accept the dismissal of the setting as it appears to have been a rendezvous point for Hiram and Robert. Even so, it's hard to maintain suspense when Maribel gets out of one car simply to get into another. There are several places (8th paragraph, as an example) where I'd've preferred more show and less tell. Some typos and grammar nits, but those don't bug me sufficiently for demerits.

You've spent some time with nine year old girls. Natalie sounds believable.

Holy crap, Rob's a dark, detestable man! "No, of course not. Did you notice any of them acting spectular? They're all normal." Hooboy.

You handle the exposition relatively smoothly, providing some [minor] concurrent action. For two agents (one FBI, one "Clear Changes," (Great name!) I'd've liked to see the conversation occur a little more eloquently. She gets his gun, he says too much - oops. Yes, there's the relationship to work from. But you neutralized Robert as an unlikely info source/leak and had him bawling at the end. For someone so zealous about the project, I'm not sure so much a transformation is feasible.

Fantastic leave, primed for a chase and showdown. Love the totality of "All of them. Zero percent success rate." The organization is undoubtedly evil and a strong antagonist. Not sure how to make the kids take the pills and/or what happens to the rest of the town - are they in the know? Does that matter?

Creepy-jeebies. Well done. (4)

You're gone for a couple months and this is what you return with? I was all prepared for a soliloquoy about daisies and instead you shatter humanity with tales of wounded ghosts? "Wounded ghosts!" Not only has humanity suffered the perils of whatever the future holds, but even their spirits are scarred. Wow.

Love the description when Marg first opens the door to go outside - drunken giants, broken slabs of concrete and bone. I could see Tim Burton and Terry Gilliam working together to create the monstrosity of a city.

Something - dunno if it was the hulking cybermass of Marg, the fiends, or what - reminded me of The Maxx. Intentional?

A few too many coffee and blood-light references for my taste, but that's a minor nit against a major setting. Loved it. Wish I could do sci-fi so well.

(4.5)

P.S. Welcome back, I hope. If you're up for continuing The Idol, I'll trade chapters.

So is everyone waiting until voting day to submit this time? (Kudos to Cheese and Sumedh for what are apparently "early entries.")

Read it again. Then read Jo's letter. Then read it again. Was I too subtle? Eesh.

Get over what?

My dad's a handyguru too. (Plus _my dad_ owns a helicopter and is magic and beat up Superman and...) Unfortunately, he still lives in Philly while I'm in Nash Vegas. That's a long commute and too much time for a turkey to thaw.

Those genes must've passed to my sister, because I got none of 'em. All I inherited was his snarky sense of humor.

Um...








Oops?

Ten down, two to go. LadyV and dkk, it's up to you. I'm done.

You Learn Something New Every Day? Apparently not. Even so, a second installment has been added to Shad's informational starter. True story.

Thanks. I learned something new tonight. I hate the sound of my own voice on the radio.

Poor Tom, taking a fencepost colonic like that.

Unfairly good. My feet are cold.

"Seriously, all of your comments were well thought out; I appreciate your time and effort."

Yep. It's that easy.

-- Inglorious Nashtard

As all four judges have commented, I'll try to explain (read: justify) my intents. I never expect a judge to change a vote due to defense, which is why I rarely bother with the endeavor.

"Eh oh" is "Let Go!" I bit down on a mouthful of arm and tried several times - the L is inaudible and the G is barely discernable. Try it. As for no need to demonstrate, Ms. B had no intend to demonstrate how to let go. The POP CORNED! headline was an attempt to show how a small town in Iowa didn't have the world's best copy writers. Same goes for Phil the mailman. I take it Ms. B. doesn't get attached to past assignments, and the people have become characters with their identities tied into their jobs. Who's Phil? Why, it was Phil the mailman. (I used commas originally, then deleted them.) The ethereal busload of kids and driving through the sea - those were my attempts at upping the ante of the freakshow. I wasn't trying to make the Mayor superhuman, but he's definitely in the know and knowledge is power. Ms. B. doesn't ask Lockley about the kids because whatever she's asked has received no response. Escape seemed like it should be an option, but at chapter 3 of 5, there didn't seem enough room to turn the story into a hide-and-seek on top of everything else. I wanted to make the option viable but leave it unused. Apparently, the change of mind wasn't as smooth as intended. In retrospect, I should have had her think on her feet of a reason to not run.

Without seeing Honey's comments on Wolf's story, this round looks like a two horse race. (I could be wrong, Dog, but that's how I read it.) With the transparent votes, I'm down .3. I'm inferring I have the edge with Kat's vote. Honey's? Time will tell. Specifically, tomorrow.

Thanks to the judges for providing intelligent, usable feedback. This helps writers improve, both in general ability and in contest writing. (There is a difference.)

Good luck, Wolf. May we finish tied (as I checked the rules on the tiebreaker.)

-- Nash

Pretentious. Superior. Brilliant.

Color me shocked at being the holdup. Unlike what's stated above, I think three letters each will provide ample opportunity to weave and wrap. I'm open to writing more, but I've no plans to write anything until at least next Tuesday. If someone wants to create a group or email me for ideas, it's my moniker at yahoo.com. I'm just as happy being pleasantly surprised with each new letter published. Hope mine keeps this machine spinning.

-- nashvillebecker

Spinning Redemption part 6? 7? is now up.

See what you've done, Agg? Now I'm disappointed that no one's asked me to sign their chest. Ah well. At least you've provided new aspirations...

Added to thamagnopen's Just Wondering Why? More specifically, answered all of the questions posed. It's not easy knowing everything, y'know. (Well, maybe you don't, but I do.)

Nothing like a regurgitation moment to remind me not to read your stuff over lunch. Thanks. You owe me a sandwich.

Speaking of POVs, you have the ability to create one by decapitating the head off a story, then looking inside the body and reconfiguring the guts. Unparallelled.

That much said, parts of this read like a Fangoria selection. Fine on its own, but hard to mesh with the first two chapters. Seems premature that [if] Wilkes has already been possessed, leaving Large as the only survivor three chapters in with two to go. Then again, I've not viewed IotBS. I read it with more the Shawn of the Dead small town overtaken with zombies vibe. (SotDSTOwZ, for those keeping score.)

Hope this is a resurgence and not merely a cameo. Great style, great content, wrong department.

My vote: 3.0

Ths ws strng, bt t hlpd m ndrstnd wh(y - smtms) hlpdsk clls fl lk smn frm sm thrd wrld cntry (r ndd ntr thrd wrld) s n th thr nd.

WWB -

Since I botched and posted my contest entry as a comment, I felt it was the decent thing to do to read your chapter and provide real feedback as well.

Love the ambiguity as to who's wearing white hats. Always fun to remember how most villians believe they're in the right, ergo, the good guys are the detractors. (I suppose NBC tried doing this to revive the dead fish that was Heroes, but I think you're succeeding better than they do. At least in making it believable without going so painstakingly over the top.)

Pete sure talks a lot to be an agent. I understand time constraints and all, but he's not the kind of guy I'd tell diddlysquat. Careful on the hyper-expositionary conversation.

Like the twist with Barbara Wilkes and I'm curious to see which side her husband falls on. Likewise, I'm anxious to see if/how Rachel (thank you for providing a first name!) escapes. The Mengele disciple borders on cartoonish (isn't that the prerogative of mad scientists?), but overall, good, meaty characters with a strong leave.

My vote: 4.0

Oops. Lemme try that again.

-- Nash

The Unknown: Phantom Memories by nashvillebecker

Twelve minutes remained before the bus arrived. I could incapacitate Hiram in seconds, which would leave ample time to move his body and search for the kids. Except I wasn’t sure what to do if I found them.
First things first: “Let go, Hiram. Please.”
His grip tightened and the fingers on my right hand tingled as blood circulation ceased. Oh well. I warned him.
I introduced my knee to his groin, twisted and swung the heel of my boot into his shin. He lost his balance and toppled, but his hand squeezed tighter and I fell to the ground with him. “That’s assault, Maribel. I could have you arrested.”
Instinct precluded thought. I bit the nearest wrist and clamped down, demanding “Eh-Oh!” with no intent to demonstrate. My teeth broke skin and dug until he finally loosened. My numb hand delivered a quick chop to his throat to make him lose some time remembering how to breathe. His face reddened, but amazingly, his countenance never changed.
My suitcase was gone. During that briefest of melees, it had disappeared. Much like the children had. A quick check of my watch let me know I had ten minutes to relocate it, as it contained important papers. With names. I set a mental note to add Lockley, which triggered the recollection of him saying mine.
Maribel? No one here knew me by that name. I hadn’t used it in years, not since my stint in Iowa. It reinforced that my cover had, indeed, been blown and this wasn’t my imagination. If only I felt such confidence in whether or not I saw those children mere minutes ago.
“You’re not going anywhere,” the mayor gasped, producing a gun from his jacket. Though the conflict confirmed my reflexes were still fast, the lack of a pat down reminded me how my training had slipped. Bullets were beyond what I was willing to challenge. I obeyed his direction to “Turn around and keep your hands where I can see them.”
Bus headlights crested the horizon. Ahead of schedule. Lockley rose to his feet and watched as the vehicle slowed. This was no Greyhound. The streetlight illuminated yellow paint, and a blinking stop sign protruded from the side. The school bus doors opened and deposited dozens of young children, many of which I recognized. What kind of phantom field trip was this? I squinted at the front window but couldn’t discern the face of the driver.
When the conveyor belt finally ran out of kids, the doors closed, the stop sign retracted, a horn beeped, the mayor waved, and the school bus rolled down the road. Lockley demonstrated no sense of urgency or surprise. I surmised a poker face was a perquisite for politics, but that didn’t explain his inhuman clutch.
I also couldn’t justify the numbers. Hundreds – if not more – of elementary school kids crowded the streets, a throng of little faces transfixed on Mayor Lockley. He pressed the gun between my shoulder blades and suggested we “Move.”
As we stepped into the mass, a pathway opened. I didn’t see anyone shift out of the way, but the road was clear between us and Lockley’s Beamer. Young eyes looked through us as we passed. An unseen hand opened the driver’s side doors and I was instructed to “Drive.”
I spotted a stick shift and attempted, “I only drive automatic.”
“I expect you’re a quick learner. Because I’m going to have this gun right behind you. If you pop the clutch suddenly, I’d hate to think what might happen.”
A precursory look informed me the seat adjustment was motorized, which removed any hope of me slamming back into his lap. One of the reasons I enjoyed small town assignments was my technological savvy was always more advanced than the locals. The mayor’s new car negated that advantage.
The push button ignition started the engine humming. I fastened my seatbelt, but I refused to put the vehicle in gear. “I won’t risk hitting anyone.”
“Oh, they’re perfectly safe. Honk the horn.”
I complied. A small arc of pavement appeared in front of my bumper, but I kept the brake firmly pressed. I remembered two other times my car was surrounded like this: first, trying to drive through an assembled protest before it escalated into a riot; and later, when reporters badgered me to extract how I was able to avoid the demise my husband and little girl hadn’t. Both times, I maintained a focus in the innocuous distance without meeting anyone’s eyes. This time, all efforts were concentrated on establishing a connection.
I noticed a Greyhound bus crossing my rear view mirror without slowing. Did the driver not see the street convention?
Lockley ordered, “Keep your eyes on the road. One hand on the wheel, one on the gearshift. Now drive.”
Though the population was dense, it wasn’t endless. I emerged from the crowd and chanced a peek over my shoulder. Lockley’s gun absorbed my attention.
We turned up Harper’s Creek toward the highway. I asked, “Where are we going?”
“North.”
“What, Washington?”
“I’ll worry about the directions. You keep driving.”
“You should wear your seatbelt.”
I knew it was impossible for a right hander like Lockley to keep a gun trained while fastening a shoulder belt.
“I trust you won’t do anything stupid.”
“Fair enough. But if you shoot me, I’m going to crash this car. And I’ll stand a better chance of surviving a gunshot than you making it through the collision. Wouldn’t that be ironic?”
His smirk persisted. Further attempts at conversation were met with dimpled silence. I sighed. “Can I at least listen to some music?”
Jazz provided the company of noise. We accelerated onto the entrance ramp and passed an abandoned pickup truck. Lockley sat back and rolled his neck, but the gun didn’t move. I flipped up the high beams, then scratched my thigh, deliberately fondled the phone open and pocket dialed. Maybe Wilkes could triangulate my position and send help? Without knowing how long the drive would last, my mind searched for answers.
*****
Iowa. Summer, 1997.
Townsfolk gathered in the Morgans’ barn to organize their effort against the recent, government-sponsored crop dustings. Tim Morgan, square jaw and flat top, hammered his fist on his makeshift podium and shouted, “We’ll get their hands off the corn in DeKalb!” He didn’t apologize for his pun, but I was pretty sure he didn’t know he made one in the first place.
As secretary for these poorly-kept-secret meetings, I took copious notes so we could present our case to the crop dusters’ union, to get them to stop using the new insecticide. The union claimed the heat was killing the crops, and the new compound was supposed to provide better nutrition for the plants as well as kill the bugs. Their assurances didn’t appease farmers like Morgan, who coordinated sabotage missions at Miller’s airfield. Simple vandalism, fitting for a simpleton: sugar in the gas tank, slicing tires, drilling holes in oil tanks. Why he took out his aggression on the planes, I didn’t understand. Those poor pilots were merely making their living.
The conflict escalated when a plane crashed. Thankfully, the flier escaped with only scrapes and bruises, but the automotive autopsy showed its engine was artificially disabled. Hank Miller declared our county a no fly zone, which triggered higher-ups to take over. Planes flew in from across the state, and no one knew what chemicals they were using.
I vividly remembered that morning in July. With school closed, I watched the neighborhood kids at my house on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Danya loved it when the girls came over to play because their toys were better than hers.
Phil the mailman delivered a telegram that required my signature. Departmental stuff. I rang Robert to see if he could watch the kids during lunch so I could run a quick errand. He welcomed the opportunity to hold a “pink picnic,” as he termed it. Barbie dolls, tea sets, and stuffed animals aplenty – every father’s dream.
Robert never had a chance to react when the biplane fell from the sky and crashed through the telephone wires. Our house and all the memories within it went up in flames, incinerated and disintegrated.
I learned about my husband’s fate at my meeting. My superiors detained my return until I could control my emotions. By that time, there was nothing left to identify.
The ensuing investigation leaked information to the press, which immediately headlined “POP-CORNED!” Apparently, Morgan had set up Project Scarecrow without my knowledge – shooters waited in sniper stations in silos across the county to scare away any new “birds.” He went to trial and was quickly convicted, as was everyone associated with the barn meetings. When my name was conspicuously absent from that list, word spread that I was in cahoots with the government. If they only knew.
Rumors mounted about how I was behind the “accident” because Robert and I were struggling through a difficult marriage, facts be damned. Mourning parents found comfort uniting against a scapegoat. Before further damage was possible, I was relocated to New Mexico, as far from DeKalb as the feds could put me. How many assignments ago was that?
*****
“Take the next exit,” said Mayor Lockley.
His face must have been tired of grinning by now, but I supposed anyone who could afford this car would have no hesitation dropping a few thousand on Botox. He held the gun with both hands, his left steading his discoloring right.
“You should have a doctor look at your hand.”
My hopes of gaining sympathy were slim, especially since I inflicted the wound, but I had little else to work with. As far as I knew, I was on my way to a forest in the middle of nowhere so he could try to rape me before disposing my body. If that was his intent, I’d take great pleasure wiping that smile off his face.
Signs leading to the exit ramp promoted food, lodging and gas, as well as Clackamas Community College and the Haggart Observatory.
“Are we going star gazing?”
“You are an inquisitive woman, Maribel.”
I dismissed his non-response and followed his order to turn right at the traffic light, away from the roadside amenities. I’d never been to Oregon City, so I couldn’t tell what else was ahead, but the campus’s miniature skyline included a dome.
I debated opening the car door and rolling out – we were slow enough that I could’ve made it – but I wanted to know what was going on. With my cover blown, I needed some kind of closure for this assignment. I obeyed by parking the BMW, then turned to stare down the gun’s barrel.
“Now what?” I inquired.
“Now we wait.”
Minutes later, a dark figure appeared at my door and opened it. Lockley told me, “Get out,” and lowered his weapon.
A hand helped me from the sedan as the mayor let himself out. I looked into eyes I hadn’t seen in more than a decade. “Robert?”
I was awestruck. Should I hug him or hurt him? Fight or flight? I quietly wept, unable to fully contain myself.
He spoke in the same confident tone he always used. “It’s an experiment, Maribel. We’re doing it for the children.”

Make sure to spend the extra credits and get the upgrade, lest you freckle. (I still wish they changed the wording - "Deconfiguration" is waaaay too close to "Reconfiguration." I so miss my pet Murma.

I tried writing several limericks to describe the joy I experienced with this chapter, but "Pizzazz" is sooo difficult to rhyme. Cops, stripper poles, a retiree with too much money, idiots with delusions of grandeur (delusions of mediocrity?)... Love it.

Without fully understanding your question, I think the answer is yes.

1. Writers have come together to plan out a structure and fill in the grid, which is how there were 9 branches of 9 chapter October Chill stories. TheBlackHand also set up 30 Days to Live. The shortcoming is these are self-policed and hard to hold accountable.

2. You can suggest a theme and have various completed one-and-dones (like part of the Horror Project).

3. The Projects here aren't contests. There are no awards given and no one is selected as a winner. They're a matter of signing up when the spots open. If I'm not mistaken, there are still availabilities in the Saga project.

I think a "library" of sorts for completed stories would be beneficial, but who would decide which/how many stories get published on LuLu? I don't know how the rights work, but I should think any story (single author or collaboration) should be able to be reproduced and published with the author(s)' permission. There are lawyers on here who can correct me if I'm mistaken.

Is it safe to admit I'm not a big reader?

Steve Martin (yes, the comedian) - Pure Drivel and Born Standing Up are brilliant, and he can run a narrative as Shopgirl and The Pleasure of My Company can attest.
I've finished about six of J. Kellerman's novels (Over the Edge, my fave). Two by Grisham (the Firm). A dozen by King (Misery and The Long Walk). Zelazny's Amber series. Douglas Adams, of course. For kids lit - Tedd Arnold (Parts), John Sciescka (Math Curse), of course Dr. Seuss and Shel Silverstein (Uncle Shelby's Book of ABZs - best book EVER). Complete comic strip anthologies of Bill Watterson, Gary Larson, Berkeley Breathed and Stephan Pastis. Marvel Comics of the late 80s (X-Men). Bill Simmons and DJ Gallo for idiotic sports columns. John Fischer for light, short Christian essays. Oh yeah - William Goldman for movie scripts. Listened to four Elmore Leonard books on CD (two good), if that counts.

This is the part where I'm supposed to include C.S. Lewis, Tolkein, and the other great fantasy stuff my mom read to me as a child. Unfornately, as I've never read any of it myself, I can't. Nor would my wife be pleased to learn that John Piper and J. Packer don't make the list. Thick words; I can't fight through them.

I made it a goal to read a book of most genres when I graduated college and went on the road. Romance, western, self-help, history, etc. I did not fulfill that goal.

I've re-gifted far more books than I've read, and those are books people buy because they think I'd like 'em. It's hard for me to find time to sit with a book. I'd rather be writing.

The next love letter has been posted.

-- Nash

Loved the start, djinn. Fantastic ground to work from: beautiful, unrequited admiration.

Second gear is up and spinning.

You know I'm a sucker for this kind of thing. I imagine everyone else is doing the contest, else they'd have looked here?

I have a request - I don't want to kick off this project. I'll happily take the two or three spot. Or, if I'm jumping into too many projects that other people want, by all means, fill my spot with someone else.

Any way to nudge the other projects into their next step? The HAC is finally closing, but there's been no movement in the Epic, Comedy or Sci-Fi in weeks if not longer.

-- Nash

I’m having issues determining the lead. Arthur narrates, but his approach is simply as an observer. It’s not his own story he’s telling. At first he claims it will be Daniel’s tale (ergo, the title), but thus far, it’s been focused more on Ismael. Ismael is interesting in an Aristotle-meets-the-Fisher-King kind of way, but I’m not sure if or where logic’s cuff gives way to magic’s secrets. He’s otherworldly, a Charles Xavier to this new breed of surface, vigilante Morlocks. But his dialog is so distant, so disconnected to Arthur, it’s as if his mind doesn’t entirely participate in the space where his body resides.

If that paragraph sounds a little pretentious, that’s the impression I got from the beginning of Daniel’s Tale. A cornucopia of characters has spilled, but there’s little significance for me to latch onto any of them.

I wish something happened. Lots of pomp, no circumstance yet. You have an extensive pallet of fascinating personalities to work with, but besides the early promise of a legend of a saint/friend/martyr?, I’m not sure if or where this is going.

I'm up for whomever taking the reins, so long as the stallion eventually rides gracefully into the sunset and trips over the horizon. Contact away!

I'd like to uphold my reputation for being the worst, thankyouverymuch. Chloe? Chloe? Bueller?

ShadowedPen - you back? Caught the fact you commented less than two weeks ago. Drop me a line: nashvillebecker at yahoo.com

Another chapter three, with no apologies to Rian, to Rainy Days and Mondays has been added.

Aw naw yo di-unt! Nice continuation; no apology necessary. Well done! I was curious how he ignored the intruder for so long, but alcoholism justifies many a hallucination. You captured his tone and attitude, and I believe it. Since it's no longer restricted to five chapters, the limited movement works. (I might've liked it pushed a bit further for the contest, but that's neither here nor there.) And I agree, the final Piffle works better with a question mark. Still, I enjoyed it - maybe I'll tagteam it next week if no one else jumps in. (4)

Dos nuevo chapteros on los penguinos estas alli.

It's difficult taking a kernel's temperature, what with the microwave popping thermometers and whatnot.

A helpful mnemonic device:

Pudding is gooding.
But jello is hello-to-the-end-of-the-world-if-you're-not-careful-don't-say-you-weren't-warned.

(It's easier to pronounce in haiku.)

Unless I'm mistaken, the final lineup for Red is now Me, OSim, Silver, Cheese, Chloe, Wolf, Foo and Beanpole. Is that correct?

Chloe? You back?

Wow. Pardon me, but wow.

New chapter on Penguin is up.

I'll be the first to offer congratulations. Well done.

Perse -

Throw me an email: nashvillebecker@yahoo.com

There is an advantage to publishing early in a contest as well. Presents a better chance of being on the front page, getting viewed and voted, and staying near the top. 'Course, the story has to merit the high votes. I say this because contrary to those who claim later stories are punished, they're not. It's accurate to say they don't have the same advantage, but there's no "punishment." The advantage to publishing late is it only requires a few 5.0 votes (and none to the contrary) to skyrocket up the charts and sabotage a spot at the last second. Add four 5.0 votes to mine and my score barely flinches. Add four 5.0 votes to a brand new submission and congratulations, you've made the top ten. A [cheap] benefit of last-minute strategy, but again, no punishment to those of us who submitted early.

That's probably why SM doesn't post at what time UST the polls close. Hopefully this issue will be remedied by the next contest.

BPW: a spot opened up in my Red project and I thought you could tackle it with aplomb, apeech and (if the need arose) awaturmellon. It's not on the immediate horizon, but I hope you'll fill the vacancy. What say you?

.1? It's always the Yugoslavian judge, complaining because I don't trim my eyebrows to their liking. Piffle. (Congrats again, Wolf.)

Not taken wrong. Not offended. First numbered point was a joke. Evermore inclined to leave less and less feedback. I appreciate the time you took - I know what that entails. You have as much right to dish it as anyone on the site - nature of the beast. It's why I finally cracked and wrote my soapbox piece. May do you well to do the same so you can aim people at your logic without unintentionally offending others.

Is it tomorrow yet?

I'm not commenting any more on this piece unless direct questions are asked. In fact, unless otherwise requested, I think I'm altogether done commenting for this round.

Perse:

1. Go to hell. Pick up my mail while you're there, wouldja? I forgot to leave my forwarding adress.
2. No need to exert yourself with every nit. I'm content to hear "inconsistent verb tense" and leave it there. Seems you're exerting too much energy. Mainly what I want feedback on is story flaws. I'd argue some of the grammar fixes above, but several are accurate and some entail writer's license. I have Strunk & White but I don't reference it.
3. While I'd love to have produced many published works, it hasn't happened yet. Writing is the easy part for me; marketing/selling is a bitch.
4. Count on me as a friend? How 'bout we call it "respected peer" and leave it there for now? I like your work (still think your roller coasters tend to be too much freefall and not enough recovery time).
5. And this is for everyone: listen to ALL feedback you get. Select how you want to change and improve your current piece or future stories.

I especially appreciate how you are one of the few who's bold enough to list her votes and the accompanying reason(s). Rainy Days has accumulated over 30 votes and (including mine) 13 comments. Doing the math, I can tell I've received some particularly low votes. You don't like it? Fine. Explain why. If you merely torpedo stories without reading them... well hell, then you're not reading this comment either.

Good luck to all in the contest. I eagerly await this round to be over.

The moniker says Nashville.
The hometown and upbringing was Philadelphia.
The weight is lifted.
The wait is over.
The euphoria is back for the first time in 28 years. Nice to finally remember the feeling.
The Phillies are champs!

(And to any naysayers, I don't care what you say about the umps, the weather, the fans, or anything. A new - overdue - trophy resides in Philadelphia.)

May I be the first to congratulate you on finding San Diego housing for less than $100/month. Heh.

While the scores only show one decimal place, they extend further. One 4.0 may be 4.0375 while another is 4.0125. If more than one story has the same number of votes (say 2) and the same score (3.9), dunno how they handle that kind of tie. I suspect it'd go random if it had to select multiple stories with the same vote. (If it's alphabetical, I'm changing all my titles to "Aaron's Adventures.")

I wonder if the majority would prefer to win or prefer a "fair" contest. Fair is a subjective term. We're all under the same rules. As always, I recommend voting honestly and transparently, as that at least removes some of the confusion.

"Winning authors will be paid $100 USD within 8 weeks of the end of the contest."

(http://storymash.com/blog/2008/06/18/storymash-mash-cash-contest-5-rules/)

Unless things are expedited, I expect that means shortly before Christmas.)

For starters, get rid of your prologue. It’s a cheat and it doesn’t benefit the story. If a reader wants to get an idea of what your story is about, let them read it. If you need to say that somewhere, use it for your preview. But as it stands, it gives away your plot before I begin reading your story. Remove it.

I would’ve liked more vivid details of the graffiti. Show me the dragon with a tail tattooed with gang signs. Show me LOOFAZ in kaleidoscope colors, and the straight black letters by an amateur. Show pimpin Goofy with a fat one teaching Pluto a thing or two about the style of dogs. I’ve not spent any time in Nebraska, but I’ll assume this is Omaha? Is graffiti rampant there? Are there gangs?

I wasn’t entirely captivated with the suspense in the tunnel. A little disoriented, but mostly confused. Darkness, voices transforming into vibrations, quakes, tingling, burning, some incarnation of a panic attack? Yes, it becomes something more (which I assume will be further explained in future chapters), but I didn’t feel the same urgency/imminent danger Jo did. There’s weirdness when the moment subsides, but emotions could be elevated to create a stronger situation. The woman’s face was hideous and accusatory? So show me a confrontation!

I think the graffiti reminded me too much of New York, where people wouldn’t follow others home and into their houses – not altruistically, anyway. I’ve been in the south for eleven years now, and while the atmosphere is different here (and I assume it would be in the Midwest), I’m not convinced how realistic it would be to convene in Jo’s kitchen. They seem very friendly. Emergencies can unite strangers, but without the heightened sense of danger/salvation/something, I’m not seeing the motivation to connect. “We knew. Whatever happened had changed us. We could feel it. We were different.” Show, don’t tell.

As for Jo’s special power... I’m confused what it is. She knows names. The whole quartet does. Unusual premonitions? An overdeveloped sixth sense of direction? There’s plenty of time to explain it later, but as the initial bang, it’s neither scary nor cool as a “superpower.” It’s just kinda there. Apparently, all four has a similar ability – I hope something in the future will better explain the reason. Fumes from fresh paint and bad air circulation? Government testing?

I think you’ve a solid premise; with some fine tuning and sharpening, it could be a fantastic story. It’s only chapter 1, so it’s still pre-fantastic at this stage. (3)

As a possible fix for the gender, ...grown accustomed to my early morning appearances. I saluted a finger to my forehead, offered, "Mornin' Pete." Something that clarifies who's speaking. I thought the janitor said it before the lead responded "Morning, Ms. B." It's not huge, but I stumbled too.

What I admire most is the creepiness. Sure, Ms. B (Rachel?) works for the feds to uncover corruption. At the same time, I felt moments where I wondered if "To Catch a Predator" was coming to her house. Teachers inviting students to come alone? Icky. Provided an unexpected and heavy twist. Also added dimension to the death threat; has she committed some crime herself? (Reread: "the powder I kept on hand for my students." and "I filled Jake's cup, choosing to wait until it whistled to fill mine.") Yuck.

I like the angles left open and Rachel's haunting history. Great opener. (4.5)

In the event this wasn't simply written as a contest entry (or if it doesn't win), I'd be interested reading further in future chapters. I like your style.

Solid job working the senses; wish I could go back and undo the images of Eddie and the unflushed toilet. Made me throw away a perfectly good Tootsie Roll I'd swiped from a Halloween candy basket.

I admire the fact that he's most frustrated at the noggin-knock after conceding his wallet. Would've been nice to see some effect besides nausea from the five quick shots. Some more interaction with the bartender or grey-hair down the bar. I'm not sure who (or why) he's trying to impress, or why he's so crushed about Julie. Maybe I missed some hints?

The last three paragraphs tell instead of show - use the first sentence of the last paragraph and scrap the rest for a stronger leave.

I like the alcoholic lead character, his beginnings of a struggle toward recovery, and the mystery of the phone number. If only I could get the taste of puke out of my mouth...

(3.5)

I'll provide some clapping. Fun start. Strange how the zombie's(?) eyes were sightless, but that leaves a nice avenue for backstory. Bobby must have quite a past, and I'm intrigued to find out why he left NY for Bumscrew, MO.

(Sidenote: I find it funny that most of the readers here weren't alive in 1978; s'pose that makes this historical fiction?)

Why is Bobby so caught up in time? Thirty minutes for his morning routine, three seconds too late to answer Richie's bang-bangs, ten seconds to traverse twenty feet (traveling two feet per second doesn't seem that impressive to me, mistype?). Dunno if/how he was indeed caught up in the mafia, but I'd like to find out.

The move from toast to locking the front door was abrupt and a bit disorienting. And I'm unsure why Bobby would choose Onionville or befriend Richie. Thus far, he doesn't display any affinity toward either (besides the fascination with the truck).

Good set up, good leave. Good job. (4)

As many of the suggestions above span considerably wider than Contest #6, I recommend this discussion be moved to the Forum under the Contest section.

First, I wholeheartedly concur that life would be easier with an "opt in" for the contests. If not by creating a new area (like Wolfram suggested) your solution of adding (Contest) beside the title would work. This would limit the myriad of entries that weren't/aren't intentional. Posting a new story within a timeframe should not mark it as eligible; posting a contest entry should.

I also agree with a specified word count. I'd say have a basement and a ceiling: 1500-2000, if you want. That's a two-page window to squeeze into. If it needs to be expanded, fine, but list the requirement.

I don't know how to set it so every entrant would be evaluated. The contests are free to enter and I'd think the judges should be compensated for doing work. Evaluations take time and effort. If StoryMash wanted to use an entry fee for the contests, that could work. Deduct the $1.00 [arbitrary amount] from the amount earned through the site. On the downside, this would eliminate first-timers from entering and winning contests. The fact that SM pays winners and doesn't charge entry fees is fairly unique. To evaluate every entrant, that might need to change.

Writers should be allowed to submit only one entry for the contest with a window (a week?). Choose your best. With some authors submitting a dozen new stories in one day, the current system makes judging every entry impossible. Edit it, rewrite it, do whatever you need to do, but for the contest, you shouldn't receive the benefit of "revised - revised v. 2 - revised with happy happies." You want to get feedback from readers before the contest, help yourself. Pick your absolute paramount chapter, fix it as well as you can, and submit it. Got two? Fantastic! You now have one for the next contest.

With the collaborative nature of the site, I think the #-chapters-by-different-authors format is solid, but the opening round becomes the impossible one. It's too open. To solve that, set a base chapter (like the Projects). It can be written by an employee or anonymously, and should not be awarded any prize money. That will provide a basis for judges to work from, rather than saying "anyone write any fiction and you'll all get [hopefully valuable] feedback." Some judges may not know/want to participate in sci-fi, others in conspiracy plots, others in teenage love stories. (For those who base their plots on adolescent-robot-Illuminati groups, I salute you.)

Expertly crafted piece here. Evokes emotion, provides real interaction, demonstrates a believable view inside her six-year-old mind. (I have a five-year-old at home, and I'm not sure he'd string together his thoughts so logically, but Amanda's age still feels feasible.) Reminded me of Cinderella, sans the stepsisters.

My only difficulty is I'm waiting for an inciting event. The characters and setting are brilliantly set, but - you've got a beautiful car with a key in the ignition that hasn't turned. Would've loved to hear the engine and see it out on the road more.

(3.5)

It said... "It's too early to leave the chapter!"

This was a teaser for a teaser, the Batman insignia six months before the movie's release and three months before commercials aired on TV, the cheese-ketchup drips you lick from your fingers before actually biting into the burger. I like the first-person schitzo narrator and there's plenty of potential, but the story hasn't started yet. A few more paragraphs and you have a beginning. Right now, it's merely a "be."

You know I love your openers, Sells, but you clicked the Submit button too early this time. (2.5)

UE: May I suggest you copy and paste this to go into the Forums? Well-conceived. I considered doing a chapter two and using the forums to set this up as "Future Contest Central," but I think you'd get more views/feedback in the other location.

First, I wholeheartedly concur that life would be easier with an "opt in" for the contests. If not by creating a new area (like Wolfram suggested) your solution of adding (Contest) beside the title would work. This would limit the myriad of entries that weren't/aren't intentional. Posting a new story within a timeframe should not mark it as eligible; posting a contest entry should.

I also agree with a specified word count. I'd say have a basement and a ceiling: 1500-2000, if you want. That's a two-page window to squeeze into. If it needs to be expanded, fine, but list the requirement.

I don't know how to set it so every entrant would be evaluated. The contests are free to enter and I'd think the judges should be compensated for doing work. Evaluations take time and effort. If StoryMash wanted to use an entry fee for the contests, that could work. Deduct the $1.00 [arbitrary amount] from the amount earned through the site. On the downside, this would eliminate first-timers from entering and winning contests. The fact that SM pays winners and doesn't charge entry fees is fairly unique. To evaluate every entrant, that might need to change.

Writers should be allowed to submit only one entry for the contest with a window (a week?). Choose your best. With some authors submitting a dozen new stories in one day, the current system makes judging every entry impossible. Edit it, rewrite it, do whatever you need to do, but for the contest, you shouldn't receive the benefit of "revised - revised v. 2 - revised with happy happies." You want to get feedback from readers before the contest, help yourself. Pick your absolute paramount chapter, fix it as well as you can, and submit it. Got two? Fantastic! You now have one for the next contest.

With the collaborative nature of the site, I think the #-chapters-by-different-authors format is solid, but the opening round becomes the impossible one. It's too open. To solve that, set a base chapter (like the Projects). It can be written by an employee or anonymously, and should not be awarded any prize money. That will provide a basis for judges to work from, rather than saying "anyone write any fiction and you'll all get [hopefully valuable] feedback." Some judges may not know/want to participate in sci-fi, others in conspiracy plots, others in teenage love stories. (For those who base their plots on adolescent-robot-Illuminati groups, I salute you.)

-- Nash

Fact I have never voted on a comment. If yours goes into negative scores, it's not because of me.

Fact: I have always showed the vote when I vote. I practice what I preach. If you choose not to, that's your business. But please don't "karma" me; that's a load of crap.

Fact: I have one login. Never used another.

Fact: I didn't log on yesterday. If something happened to you, Dwayne, whatever that may be, I don't know what it is. Though I've read some of your other work, I haven't voted on anything you've written besides the one round of TSNK.

UE: Yes, there are a variety of ways to cheat. I listed the ones I thought of in an email to Katrina months ago. I don't cheat. If you don't like the system, go. Please. There are plenty of writer's sites on the internet. If StoryMash doesn't meet your needs, find one that does.

I hate this atmosphere of petty bickering and bitterness. I don't know if it's because this is an election year that people feel the need to spout off and accuse, but if that's the case, I can't wait for this season to be over. It's annoying. It's immature. It's unnecessary.

If you don't like the structure of the contests, don't participate. If you don't like team sports, stick to tennis or golf. I do trust people on here are generally nice, UE, and I've not lashed out at you. But I have read several of your comments that demonstrate your unhappiness with the site. You've threatened to leave on more than one occasion. Yet you continue returning to complain. I respect your entry on how you would run a contest. I'd have my own set of rules and guidelines if I set one up too. But it's not my site.

I've endured torpedo votes, **** accusations, whining that my perspective is unfair and cruel. Okay. They'll continue. I held first place in earlier contests only to see my score crashed anonymously. That sucked. I'd love it if there was transparency in voting. But there isn't, yet, and I don't know that there ever will be. Fine.

Please. Stop. Bitching. You're all welcome to think I'm a pompass windbag ****, but at least I'm an honest one. While that eliminates any hope for me in politics, the contests are still up for grabs.

I'm nashvillebecker and while I approve this message, I regret ever feeling the need to write it.

Another perspective:

Think of a story as sculpture. There are two basic methods to create a scultpure. Either you can construct a piece from objects or masses (scenes, characters, lines of dialogue), adding more until you reach the final product; or you can carve away at a block of stone/clay/ice/wood until you reach your desired destination. All pieces have to start with the building process - you have to make sure you have the right characters for your plot. Establish them, put together your framework. Pack on more substance until you have your story told, whatever amount that entails. Tell your story. If it won't fit with a particular contest, you have two options. Tell another story that might, or pare it down. If you're limited to 500 words and you write 3,000, you probably want a different contest. Sometimes, instead of cutting and cutting, it's best to amputate the head of a statue and concentrate on only it's facial features. Was the body - the torso/legs/base important? Sure. But you have a great story (that fits the word limit) dealing with the face.

All stories should have some cutting/sanding/buffing/trimming before they're published. There are words that don't help. Redundancies. Extranneous events that might be nice in director's cuts of movies, but that don't make the final revision. Lines that sound wonderful, but don't contribute to the action. There's always something to trim. And something to add. And trim. The true skill of an artist is knowing when you have the final product.

In here, self-contained, full stories in one chapter are rare, so word count isn't as important. Focus on your story and write well.

I realize this may be counterproductive, as it's just as easy to vote me down as anyone else, but I think there _should_ be an advantage to publishing early. Want more votes? Give your story more chances to be seen. That doesn't prevent sabotage because someone once had a miserable experience in Nashville (or got peeved at my comments), but within the confines of the contest, I'd say that's fair. There's nothing stopping you from creating multiple logins at others' computers and voting yourself 5s a dozen times. There are plenty of ways to cheat. The best we can do is uphold our own, self-perpetuated honor system.

I've always been a proponent of transparency in voting, so if you want to put your money where your mouth is, announce your votes when you make them. Preferably backed up with appropriate comments. Think something's worth a 2? Say why. Think it's worth all 5? Justify it. I don't vote on much, but for those I do, I will always include it at the end of my comment. Sometimes that leaves me open for retaliation, sure. I'm willing to risk that.

Good luck to all in the contest. May the ten entries of the best quality reach the judging round. And if yours requires extra time to reach that level, better off starting on it now.

-- Nash

I'm not falling for that again. It took me three and one-sevenths months to paint these freckles as an exact replica of the Constellation-Lation Constellation (in the echo quadrant) across the bridge of my nose. Nope.

Bean: You adding another, or have you relegated yourself to observer status?

There are reasons I won't do back-to-back chapters, many of which are I don't know how to follow myself. (I had no ideas how to use the objects.) It's also one of the reasons I started Le Blog D'Uselessness, where you get to assign three variables per chapter. Eventually I hope to return to that storyline too.

There are worse obstacles to overcome than a distaste for swearing. If that's your situation, try finding other ways to express it than speaking. Easy options: (1) I cursed my predicament. (2) "Son of a..." (3) I kicked a nearby toolbox out of frustration, but my newly stubbed toe only made my mind scream more. There's usually an alternative. This'll become especially difficult should Shooter resurface. That woman's got a mouth on her.

So who's up next? I want to watch for a few.

Pig Latin should really be much easier to rhyme than it is. But it isn't.

Liked the structure, the action, and the outcome. Solid leave. My only nit is "Crumb!" The way she shot the poop with Shooter in "From Shooter to Ducky," it's established Julie's vocabulary wouldn't merit a PG rating. I'm not a fan of using obscenities for their own sake - should you check, you'll notice I don't use 'em in several of my starting chapters. But when I'm writing a character someone else invents, I abide by their setup. While I liked the rest of the chapter (way to utilize the objects in Bill's bag), "Double crumb!" yanked me right out of the story.

Once again, the inner debate continues: do I ignore my hesitance to comment? Will this lead to more people soliciting critiques, or will there be a new addition to the Thin Skinned Back Patters? Hmm.

First off, the nits:

Spell out seven. Spell out numbers up to twenty, unless you're dealing with time or a specific list. He's a seven-year-old.

Verb tense: avoid "were falling" and "were clinging." Fell. Clung. Utilize the power of your words.

Ellipses used rarely (or better) aren't distracting. Replace yours with commas - excepting the last, done for cliffhanger purpose (I'm not a fan there either, but that's a taste preference).

You set it up that today is the day for Kyle's monthly beating. Apparently, it's questionable whether or not today is that day. (At least it hasn't happened yet - if you're intentionally foreshadowing, don't forget to follow through.)

You appear to have figured out how to split paragraphs in your second chapter. I'll leave that there.

Structure aside, I like Toby. I don't understand why he endures beatings, instructing Kyle to avoid his face and arms as if he enjoys the punishment. Why develop a tolerance? Okay, he's not an ordinary kid. Is he a masochist? Is Kyle more specific than the neighborhood bully?

I would've liked more description of Toby. Neck pain, deliberate abuse, keeping a secret - I'm unsure whether this is more "Narnia" or "Pan's Labyrinth."

Some great details - mom was unhappy when his pants got dirty, faux-limping for six blocks.

I'll elaborate on the second chapter here too; stop reading this if you check out comments before reading chapters.


I love the intricacies within Quercus: building acorns, sewing the leaves' veins, conveyor belts and elevators. Really wanted descriptions of the characters; Chap is short and....? Robur and Phellos look like...?

I enjoy the comfort Toby has with Quercus, but as a reader, I need to understand the familiarity better. How'd he find it? Why did the citizens accept him? How long has he been going there? These don't all need to be immediately answered, but bringing in a conflict with the Acer people seems sudden. You're rushing the story where it could be beneficial to better paint the landscape and the leads first.

(Another nit concerning names: Phellos is too close to "phallus" and that's how I kept reading it. I suppose people go by "Dick" or "Willie" and nobody thinks anything of it, but Phellos isn't yet commonplace enough for me to overlook it. Chipmannii is hard to say/hear, which is fine in a book, but hard to hear in my reading mind. I once had an alien named R'nkha, which looked different on the page, but no one could discuss him.)

You have some good ideas and loads of potential to take your Mr. Tumnus/Fraggles/Quercian population all kinds of places. Pace yourself. Don't bank on surprises, but tell the story as it occurs. Good luck.

-- Nash

I'm all for the original volunteers to finish out the chapter, but looking at profiles, I notice Jackofalltrades and JTW381 haven't logged on since September 12, and JeremyD hasn't since September 26. Chloe's going to be away for the next 10 days. I propose her keeping her spot in line, and using the time of her absence to have members of the aforementioned trio comment here to let us know they're still on StoryMash. If there's no response (10 days should be sufficient time), open it up to new volunteers. That fly with you, Honey?

-- Nash

A quality win, especially for someone who spells his name with an "M." Congrats.

Curiosity: how many of these "novels" have you written now, and are any of them worth going back and editing into something someone would want to read?

I'm all for slam writing and hitting word counts, but only if the end product is worthwhile. I'm debating the commitment of a month o' writing hardcore - ditching any other projects, I suspect - but it's not worth sacrificing the time if I end with Nashville J. Becker, Esquire's very, very, very humble example of an exceptionally long and wordy novel that no one, even those with too much expendable time on their otherwise soft hands (that's what they get for not building callouses on their fingers contributing their own fifty-thousand word novels) would ever, ever, in a billion, zillion years would bother making the effort to read.

(109 words in that useless block, by the way)

Interesting angle, on two fronts:

1. Your song lyrics flesh out nicely into this intro, also providing a path for future contributors to follow. I wonder, if the story evolves differently, whether or not the lyrics will change as well?

2. Setting up an erotica chapter? If no one bites (pun semi-intended), will you continue it yourself? Dunno that I've seen an adult chapter on a storyline that didn't originate in that genre.

On to the story:

The first three paragraphs are unnecessary backdrop that could be integrated later. Skip 'em and begin with the Mexican street. Adds a twinge of suspense as to why Jeb's there.

El talko con el gringo esta believable-o. Bueno jobbo.

Would've liked a little more description of Anita (or any of them) than "very pretty, very young." Borders on 18, and that creates a nasty case of the ickies. Is that what you're shooting for? The whole cantina could've had more dimension - you described the architecture more than the people. I'm more interested in the people.

All in all, solid set up, strong hanger, and different (for SM) angle than most. Wonder if LaMexicanita is still reading and if she'd be up for continuing the line. (Not necessarily adult; there are other ways this could run...)

(3.5)

Important note: All gnats are, in fact, the size of football players; it merely depends on what type of football you refer to. The American, tackling variety includes the species Butkus Gnaticus, whereas the rest of earth's futbol tends towards the phylum Gnattum Renaldom. Leaving the confines of our oxygen/nitrogen rich atmosphere, foutbail expands from the Pee Wee leagues of Glaudulum Seventeen (where kicking field goals over twenty parsecs earns an extra squiff) to the All-Galactic ShowGnats, who care more about the audience than the outcome of the game. This wouldn't be such a bad thing, excepting the fate of their home planet relied on them beating the fierce overdogs Phi Bambi JambaJuice. Unfortunately, PBJ beat the AGS and overtook their steroid mines. Ergo: bacne. Tragic, really.

Made the mistake of once farming my own Fragulan bearcats. Didn't feed them the proper pepperoni/styrofoam hybrid and relegated myself to selling them via dBay, eBay's inferior stepcousin. Completely regrettable, had I not utilized the experience to learn a valuable lesson: If you can talk others into committing the same errors you commit, laughing at their misfortune is sweeter than regular laughter. (Still doesn't smell half as sweet as the proper flatulence, though.)

Two more Penguin chapters added, #4 by BPW, #6 by me. It may look like #5, but it's not.

In Chase's defense, the mattress tag would've come off anyway somewhere mid-flight. I say viva la revolucion!

Published an addition to beanpolewatson's "How to Speak Penguineese and Interstellar Poultry Ettiquitte." Fun story.

I may have to hitchhike onto this storyline, BPW. You have a fan: me. You may also have an air conditioner, but if you're in the northern hemisphere, you may not need to use it again for the next few months. And I've never been mistaken for an air conditioner. Cold, yes. A blowhard, yes. A mechanical box with filters and window mounts? Not yet, but there's still time.

Rock -

I'm going to attempt to be diplomatic and kind, which (as you're aware) aren't two of my strongest suits.

1. You're right. I ignored your entry. I ignore anything with (draft) on it. I also prefer ignoring (revised) entries, as I hope people spend the time reading their work to correct mistakes, locate holes and fill them, unite their storylines cohesively, and solidify their chapters. It was within the rules of the contest to rewrite and revise as many times as you wish before a deadline and when I judged, I only read eligible entries, not past (or future) incarnations.

2. Self-depracation won't carry you very far. Trust me on this; I know firsthand. Create work you're proud of and don't compare it before you finish. Maybe you're right and you wouldn't stand a chance - there are some remarkable contestants this round - but giving up halfway through because you have no chance? You're cheating everyone, including yourself.

3. Force your boundaries to stretch - this was a vastly different exercise than any of the middle chapters, which was a vastly different exercise than Perse's writing her starter. Composing an ending requires using different writing muscles.

4. I was writing for my jr. high and high school lit mags (rags), influenced and inspired by Alfred Hitchcock Mystery Magazine. Had I stuck with it consistently, I'd be a considerably better writer than I am now. Take advantage of your early start. Play with the big boys. Roll with the punches and don't throw the white flag. Grow callouses; as a writer, you'll need 'em.

Good luck with your endeavors. I know you dropped out of this and Red, and I'm not sure if you're following through on Giant Rock. Don't quit on yourself.

Lastly, don't invest too much value in pompass windbags like myself. We all have crosses to bear and mine is a vicious superiority complex that occasionally flips its ugly head. Enjoy the writing. Enjoy the final product. Enjoy the comments, good and bad. And let the chips fall from the buffalo.

-- Nash

To poorly quote a great routine: "Who's on Fourth?" Rock or Cheese?

For that matter, has JeremyD or JTW visited the site? Momentum helps sustain interest.

Nice bang to enter. I actually expected to see some spaceship creating the lights and aliens busting down the door, what, with Van Tassel's former abduction. You created and maintained suspense and I look forward to reading more.

(Should this be re-posted as a mash on the Giant Rock start on the project page?)

CoC grew again. I'm to blame.

This seems as good a place to post as any...

I've read all the final entries for chapter 10 - good variety, strong executions within several approaches to solving the story. Major kudos to Foo, Wolf, Agg, Shad, Hand, and me for investing research time and creative energies to mold some fantastic endings, thereby relieving at least one of my major concerns of the site: lack of endings. Encourages me to see stories can fulfill their potential to merge styles and minds (authors and, in this case, characters).

I hope this leads to other stories achieving strong conclusions instead of hanging in limbo forever.

Another potential site improvement would be an area for completed mashes, published (at least on-line). To avoid the confusion of which chapters were continued, rebuild the 10 winners into one string that can't be edited/added.

Congrats to the eventual winner of round 10. I had fun contributing and hope [however many entrants] did too.

-- Nash

CoC is up for grabs until Monday, as I installed my last chapter for the week a moment ago.

What a commercial! This reads like a teaser - read the real story to find out what happened. It contains a bombardment of shallow information to hook someone, but there's no real payoff. Like a commercial.

I wish there was a scene of the BIMI's unveiling in the late 19th century. Or present day kids chucking stones at pigeons on the statues. Or Dr. Benji testing how deep the human psyche can dive. Or a character sketch on Hope Gerard, showing (not telling) her motivation. You listed the ingredients for a fulfilling meal, but you stopped there. Crack that first egg and get cooking.

Two quick nits: (1) February 29 never happened in 2001. (2) "to look death in the face" has no merit at this stage. That would be like me jumping in my morning shower and fighting the fight of my life. If you use the biggies now without justification, they'll have no power if/when you need 'em.

-- Nash

I'm far from rich, earning just over $2/month here. Josh's assessment that the money doesn't matter should be taken to heart.

I've found the best way to have people read my stories is threefold:

1. Interact. Make comments. The more effort you put into it (beyond "Nice job," which says nothing), the better chance of that author coming back and reading your entry. Some people take this to an extreme and bash or self-promote in comments for others' stories; please don't. Voting isn't nearly as important as quality feedback.

2. Hitchhike. Take a ride in someone else's car. In other words, continue stories by "established" authors. Some of the newer contributors here are very kind, and I expect they'd check out your entries if you added something worthwhile on theirs. The most fun I've had with SM is the collaborative aspect.

3. Write quality. Have a hook, bang out something clean and intriguing, create quirky and deep characters, twist your plot, achieve a voice, and leave readers wanting more. This should've been first, but I'm not editing my comments.

There are other methods of increasing readership, but they don't thrill me nearly as much:

4. Write controversy pieces. Title something: YOU'RE ALL IDIOTS and spend your story complaining.

5. Create a chapter on ways to improve the site. Those tend to get lots of comments. I expect, with the forum, it's not as feasible anymore, but it'd still work if you have innovative ideas.

6. Enter Contests. Automatic readership? Voila! If that's your goal, there you go. I'd say joining a project is a better idea, and if they're already filled up, create your own.

In my experience, this site isn't nearly as much about moneymaking as it is about exposure. (Now if you'll pardon me, I need to fix my zipper.)

(Lastly, I checked and you've made 7 comments in over two months. Quality can rise to the top, but it's easier when you get your name out there. Re-see #1.)

I'm sure Gondy wouldn't mind; it's his parents fault for making his name so confusing.

Brilliant move making the CoC a subsidiary of a larger conspiracy organization.

I love how the characters make less sense as the story makes more. Ducky, a bigwig? Exactly the level of illogic required to keep this unbelievable plot on track. Well done.

Does this put me back on the clock, or is someone else tapping in?

Seems we're all having fun developing the characters and stalling to see who'll blink first and send her headlong into the action. As you previously indicated, Julie was getting passed around from weirdo to weirdo; this time, Shooter is better defined. (There's a heart underneath that Swastica?)

I like the way CoC is [un-]organized. I look forward to seeing how all the characters will come into play once the wheel gets it's big spin. (Considering your title, I expected to meet Ducky.)

Well written; keeping it interesting. Let's kick it up a notch or twenty-two.

I know when I've been outdone. Wish I read yours before investing my time in mine. Ah well, live and learn.

When I came in, I saw four challenges I wasn't sure how to answer. I had ideas on tackling other issues, but these bugged me.

1. Why is Franco a Guardian? How can I prevent that from feeling hokey?
2. What happened to Methra as Sun Goddess? (Same follow up as Q1)
3. Is Silent's motivation really that Charlie said he couldn't mental-tap Adara? That's the best reason for him to be a two-year psionic serial killer?
4. Why the Ten Commandments motif at all? Have mind-games taken center stage to the point where the Thou Shalt Nots are an afterthought?

I tackled 1, bypassed 2, and flirted with 3 and 4, elevating Jimmy's god complex as something of an explanation/motivation. Why specifically Adara/Paige? Good question.

Style may outdo substance in some areas, Agg, but I can admit when I've been topped. I won't submit a version 2; I read the other chapters and I don't believe it's fair to incorporate (consciously or subconsciously) others' solutions into my work.

Thanks for the comments. There are areas I would've preferred seeing the story evolve differently, but (1) I'm welcome to create those paths myself, and (2) more importantly, I'm pleasantly impressed at the final result. There are good chapters to choose from for the finale; after minimal, last-minute entries for the last few rounds, that was a concern. (Not to say those weren't quality, but there were moments I feared no one wanted to submit a chapter.)

I'll try to check out some of your other stuff, Agg. See if I can't bounce something back.

-- Nash

Good call, Cheese. With the initial plot, Julie seemed a victim of circumstance, so passing her around to add to the confusion seemed reasonable. But yeah, I can see how it feels like stalling. Chapter after next (as I'm trying to avoid back-to-beckers), I'll make sure to do something about that.

I don't buy into the life-is-awful-so-suddenly-I'm-a-badass transformation so common in movies/stories. She may have the instinct change, but I see no reason for someone who hasn't shot before to master a gun under an afternoon's tutilege by Nazi Mama.

You up to tapping into the storyline? I'm trying to finish a finale for TSNK, then I'll follow Gay Prez. (Now I need to find out who that band is...)

-- Nash

I missed the boat for this one, but is anything happening with Giant Rock? Usually big projects go a couple chapters before fizzling out. Everyone too busy submitting contest entries and chapter 10s?

CoC has two more chapters.

Wow, six months into the site and this is the first story you deem mashworthy? I'm flattered. Nice touch. Brief, but consistent. You a one-hit wonder, or have you plans to make further contributions?
(3)

I tagged ConsOnCall again. And after three chapters in two days, I'll see you folks again next week.

Yes and no. Now I'm more curious than ever to see how someone else would approach it.

At the end of "Torture," Ben has the knife, Sam is attacking a helpless Kate, and... beyond whether or not the 9-1-1 call is answered (which would provide a too-convenient hero, depending on their timing), there's not a whole lot of mystery left. How do Ben and Kate escape with their lives? What would slowing it down provide besides prolonging the torture? I think the deliberate pacing worked well to create suspense earlier, but at this stage - unless Ben wanted to instigate a cat-and-mouse chase (which seems unlikely considering the end of "Torture"), it required action. Perhaps not an ending, but the "let's subdue this mofo so he has the chance to do this again instead of killing him" always feels hokey.

Currently, we know so little about any of the characters - what inspires Ben to heroism? Why does/did Kate jog alone? Is Sam serial or had he tracked Kate? Why Sam's madness? Who are they? Year/major/skills/background/motivation...

I would very much like to read a slower, more deliberate alternative that maintains my attention without slogging. Whatcha got?

-- Nash

P.S. Thanks for caring when you critique and not simply throwing out "good job" or "this is crap."

As mentioned in the forums, mine is merely one ending. Others are welcome to string it another direction. One of my sizeable concerns about the site has been lack of endings - more fun to carry on stories indefinitely at the expense of closure. Only recently have finales become more regular, what with dog's Searching, [most of] the October Chill series finally reaching the credits, and TSNK approaching the climax and resolution phase. With the setup left at the end of Torture, I saw two options: Ben and Kate escape and start a chase, or duke it out. Considered the chase several times, but in the victims' current state, it didn't ring true to me. I'd be interested reading another direction, if you want to fly that flag.

-- Nash

...and, because they didn't post it here...

dogdeity added three chapters and an ending to Toby's storyline (you'll have to go via his profile, since for some reason they're not on the regular chapter tree).

wsells continued the ConsOnCall storyline with "Off to Shooter"

Thank you, dog, for stepping it up and pounding it hard.

I'm confused about Wright's reappearance - I'll reread Flotsam 2, but if any explanation was given, I missed it on first perusal. If no explanation was given... hasn't he already died -- twice?

I'm lost in terms of the relationship between Wright and Shirley. Incestual Assassins sounds like a bad Cinemax script. I like the duality of their insincerity, but I still don't know if - make that _how_ - they're related.

Would've liked something more than grand red herrings to wrap up the color folders and the Florida deed, but I read the whole string several times and couldn't come up with anything better.

Thanks for staying true to Toby, all the way up to the moments of recollecting M*A*S*H reruns. He doesn't know who/what he is anymore; you carried that well.

Good job with the believable sequel potential. I doubt I'm riding any further with it, but I hung up my Toby shoes a waaays back. Glad to see you didn't.

-- Nash

Why doesn't SM show these chapters on the tree? I check this thing regularly, hoping someone had the cojones to finish it out. Thus far, I'm not disappointed. It is, after all, time for Toby to....

I published a final chapter to Cheese's "Running" storyline. I say "A" final chapter, since other people are welcome to continue it along a different line if they so desire.

Finally added a second chapter to wsells' "ADVANTAGE - Chapter One "Wronged." (the Cons On Call storyline.)

Oliver --

First off, you're submitting things at a remarkable pace. Always stress quality over quantity. Makes feedback easier and more pleasant to give. I'll admit I was reluctant to say anything, but the first line caught me, tangled me, and confused me so much, I had to ask: what?

You loathe hypocricy and two-faced "people"? (People was your term - I would've used something more descriptive, like "****.") Kay. So do I. So?

Where was the wisdom? This was a beat poet's rant, a slam book diary entry, medicinal fortune cookies for depressants, segmented laments over how a victim prefers being beaten, vague requests for sympathetic torture... Shall I continue?

I won't insult you. I don't know you. As for Words of Wisdom? While it supplies plenty of words, it lacks in the wisdom department. Seems like it's an attempt to baffle and shock. If so, you half succeeded. (I wasn't shocked.)

I peeked at some of your other submissions - your tone appears to be a consistent mixture of melancholy and anger. Use that. Give me a story instead of a rant. Base your lead on it and fly. (For a good example, watch/rewatch The Fisher King.)

I dunno. Maybe you're using StoryMash as a psychologist's couch to vent. You [sadly] wouldn't be the first and [even sadderly] you won't be the last. I'm not trying to run you off the site. Honest - ask anyone and they'll assure you I'm no sugar coater. I'd be interested to see if you can concoct a story or if you're only here to bitch. Your call.

-- Nash

Get my "writing caps on?" WHAT, LIKE THIS? WOW, THAT'D GET ANNOYING. SERIOUSLY.

(Voorhees - for a horror story, bridesmaid status seems appropriate. Especially considering the dresses they have to wear. Good luck with #10.)

Cliche time! It's not easy when too many cooks in the kitchen are shooting fish in a barrel, but you left no stone unturned on the road less traveled.

(1) Too many cooks - nice power struggle. As if it wasn't enough with Steve and Rhonda, now Red and Sherman want to write the recipe. (Great setup for Red's rewrites.)

(2) Fish in a barrel - Would've liked to see a few more characters introduced. Hard to do with Mrs. B. shooting them all down before they speak, but there's still potential to continue to solo/group auditions with a school of new faces.

(3) Turning the stoner - "Naw, man, Dave's not home." Nice touch with the dual C&C sketch; provides an unusual dimension to Sherman. I wondered if/when he'd appear again. (Minor reveal: Sherman's original line was the inspiration for writing chatper 1 - the victim mentality.)

4. The road less traveled - the unease of your hanger provides a different, uncomfortable tension than most of the chapters on SM. So many cliffhangers here, but this was a completely different kind of dread.

I'm torn whether I should offer a rating on the meat cooking scale. "Rare" connotates juicy, but it also represents underdone. "Well-done" sounds great unless it's charred and lost its flavor. (One could be raw; the other tasteless?) Is there any compliment in "Medium?" I'll put it this way:

Yummy. I look forward to the fourth course.

I love these chapters, had no difficulty transferring from 1 to 2, and anxiously await more. Unique voice, believable quirks, disturbing situation told accurately and not overblown for effect, strong hangers...

You've left me sockless.

What a fantastic exchange - heartfelt, sincere. Such softness in the cruelty. Then again, was it an evil deed if the daughter wished she could take mummy's place? I, too, think it's a splendid, dark character-driven story that teases the horror genre. (I wrote Angels in the same vein, and earned the same type of comment from rocklee.) We'll see what the editors are looking for, I suppose.

I'm a little confused at the "no one has asked if I'm her grandmother" line - is she? If she transcends generations by inhabiting her descendants' bodies, who's to say this hasn't been going on for centuries? The trick therein, should this be mashed, is for mummy to know how to live as daughter so she doesn't get caught.

Lastly, I might have liked a paragraph about the chaos in the emergency room to paint the backdrop against which the scene could achieve more tenderness. Still loved it.

(4.5)

WWB: Reasonable. Maybe the show had that many puns as well? If I tuned into Quantum Leap and was assaulted by that kind of barrage, I'd change the channel. In fairness, Silver, does the show have anything to do with phones (besides the guy's name)?

And I'll check out some of Silver's other posts. They may not get comments, but hell, after this, Silver might not want 'em.

Silver --

I've not commented on your story, nor have I ever watched that show on the SciFi channel. (While I enjoy the genre, I'm too cheap to pay for cable.) I'll provide overall analysis when done, but I put down my red pen after reading your first paragraph. You're hurting yourself with ambiguously mysterious sentences.

"The darknes seemed to hover forebodingly in the old warehouse." It seemed to hover forebodingly? Why did it seem to and not simply hover forebodingly? Things don't seem to have potential. They have potential. It's possible that potential/foreboding isn't fulfilled, but it's still there 100% at the start. Let it be without restricting it.

"A peculiar echoing silence permeated it, increasing the menace." Echoing silence is an oxymoron I'm not altogether familiar with. I think I understand the concept - so quiet, it's deafening. What I don't understand is how it could be anything but peculiar. Isn't that redundant? For that matter, "increasing the menace" is unnecessary.

"Time passed almost imperceptibly to the two men waiting crouched in that darkness, straining their ears against the silence." Thrice now you've presented handous of information, then pulled back with qualifiers. Why "almost imperceptibly?" Your adverbs are killing you. Say more using less.

As an example:

Darkness hovered forebodingly in the old warehouse, permeated by an echoing silence. Two men crouched for what felt like forever, straining to hear something - anything - break the soundless void.

I harp on openings because if I'm flipping channels, shows get all of a minute to grab me before I dismiss them and move on. One paragraph isn't fair - I recognize that - but you're starting the count with one strike.

Now I'll read the entire story and get back to you.

Pausing again after one page. Reexamine your paragraph about the bald man and the "almost skinny" (is that an insult like "almost pretty?") man to see if/how you can say the same thing with less. You know words and like using them, but economy is in order to express the mood of the moment. "His hairline had retreated so far toward the back of his head that he could clearly be called bald." I like the first half, but "that he could clearly be called bald" is a poor payoff for a quality setup.

Next attempt to hit the whole kit and kaboodle...

I don't know in what timeline the story occurs, but I expect some of the cordless references will be as obsolete as rotary dials soon. While I'll give credit where credit is due for some gut-punching puns, it hit overkill well before the end. And I'm a Dad; this should be right up my alley.

For a genius, Arnaud reveals he's in San Diego? (Again, I don't know the show; maybe that's common information.) Why else tell them they were the "local" police?

Ouch. I reach the end and discover the false floor? How unrewarding! If it's for a pun contest, perhaps it succeeds. Believing it was fanfare for sci-fi, I set up my expectations differently. Makes me reluctant to find more of your stuff if this is the one you pitched so wholeheartedly. A one-off is punishment. A four chapter story was flogging a dead horse mercilessly. Part of me feels like you're the magician who revealed his secret. Most of me wants to read something else to cleanse my pallet. Maybe that was your intent, as that's the reaction puns create.

I'll refrain from commenting on the threadbare storyline and hope your execution of other stories doesn't over-frill at the expense of momentum.

(Be careful, ye who solicit comments, lest ye get what you ask for.)

-- Nash

Nice addy, Cheese. Enjoyed it. For an even sillier branch, I added a chapter 3 to The Awakener by mybeautifuldaydream and Polonius.

Since there's still no way to notice new additions to stories without opening them individually and checking, I propose using this forum to announce when you've added chapters to existing storylines. (New stories have their own area; this is the closest I can think of to work with second chapters and beyond.

I added to Le Blog d' Uselessness, also contributed to by Chloe. Feel free to jump in.

Both branches of the Saga series also have new additions - by Cheeseliker, an_doschach, myself, and wolfram.

This topic has the potential to quickly grow to 100 entries; please use it only to announce continuations. (Ideally, another forum area will be created where we can open individual topics for any second chapters.)

Since there's still no way to notice new additions to stories without opening them individually and checking, I propose using this forum to announce when you've added chapters to existing storylines. (New stories have their own area; this is the closest I can think of to work with second chapters and beyond.

I added to Le Blog d' Uselessness, also contributed to by Chloe. Feel free to jump in.

Both branches of the Saga series also have new additions - by Cheeseliker, an_doschach, myself, and wolfram.

This topic has the potential to quickly grow to 100 entries; please use it only to announce continuations. (Ideally, another forum area will be created where we can open individual topics for any second chapters.)

The Toby mash started with Searching (by ahernandez), and had regular contributions from Honeygloom, Dogdeity11, a few from myself, CrystalFoo and Psycho. Almost reached a climax; still no resolution. Feel free to add on.

The Toby mash started with Searching (by ahernandez), and had regular contributions from Honeygloom, Dogdeity11, a few from myself, CrystalFoo and Psycho. Almost reached a climax; still no resolution. Feel free to add on.

I already continued it; didn't think you'd check those comments.

Thanks, Cheese. I left out X and Z to make life a tiny bit easier on myself. I'll check out your chapter (and that whole side of the thread) later.

'Twould be nice. They don't even have to impose the rules on themselves. Break out of your mold, people.

Tag. Somebody's up.

I also posted a chapter. Other storyline. And if we're talking about what people don't expect, I'd have to say this ranks pretty high.

Thanks for showing me up, WWB. Mine? I was dropped on my head wrestling in gym class for one. The other... um.... I honestly don't remember.

I thought about how I'd critique ya
Go modern or bring back antique-ya
Your language and fashion
Are brilliantly smashin
It left me unable to speak-yeah.

Great continuation and setup. You done it proud.

Nobody else wants to expand their horizons? Oh, what the hell. Gimme the next spot in the Canto Story Latte. I'll see if/what I can do.

-- Nash

I can't be a judge and a contributor? Well, there goes my inside track. Dang. Back to bribery.

I'm happy to stay out, but I'm happier to try for another $100. I have a few ideas where this thing can go, so long as I can sort out which chapters are part of the final story. (Information overload! Just because there's so much space between my ears doesn't mean it's for rent!)

Has anyone seen or heard from Perse? I'd think she should be aware of this if it happens.

Chloe - I see you're online now. In an uncharacteristic move for myself, I'm asking if you'll contribute a chapter to the Red Brockton storyline. (I know you signed up for the sci-fi too; if it's too much, that's understood.)

Yeah, the story tree is beneath every chapter. You needn't dig up the old ones; feel free to continue a second installment on a new story from today. The big thing is to CO-write. Mash. You know, kind of like the name of the site.

My point of how hard it can be finding new chapters - yes, you can use the story tree. But I have no reason to check the story tree, even on my original chapters. For those authors who've done more than a dozen, it's annoying to check each chapter to see if anyone continued it. Since StoryMash thus far hasn't provided a method of notifications when a new chapter is added to one of yours, I suggest adding a forum where authors can announce they've added one. The forum structure already exists; this would merely be one more.

You had me at "a parrot with a sinus infection." It got better from there. If nobody else jumps in on this ride in the next day or four, I may hop back on myself. More fun that I imagined.

-- Nash

I just commented back at Cornelius a chapter and I realized it'd better be suited to post here.

The hook that got me for StoryMash is the mashing aspect. Sure, it's nice to show off your writing chops, but the integration with other author(s) makes it fun. Bouncing stories into new directions and following the innovations you hadn't conceived of.

Do yourself a favor - for every chapter you post, try mashing someone else's story with a chapter. Keep contributing your good ideas, but stretch your horizons by working/building/improving another thread too.

That's what helped me establish contacts with Dog, Honey, Foo, Psycho (the Toby storyline), wSells, Foo and ShadowMan (the Contractor), and wwb, BlackHand, Cheese and others (getting involved with the October Chill project).

Feels like recently, people will mash their own storylines but there's not much combo work. OriginalSim and (nuts, now I forget) put together a 30+ chapter story.

Yeah, it's hard to find continuing chapters since they're not listed with the new stories. Maybe StoryMash needs to create a forum simply to announce continued lines. (Ethan? Katrina?) But that's where I've had the most fun and I expect it's there to be had with others.

Good luck and happy writing.

-- Nash

I've noticed Chloe mashing some of my stuff recently, and yeah, it feels good to be part of a bigger thing. Glad you enjoyed it. One of the main hooks that got me into StoryMash was The Contractor (with wsells, ShadowMan and CrystalFoo among others) and the Toby storyline (with Dog, Honey, Psycho, Foo, etc.) You want to help get creative juices going? Take things more than a chapter.

-- Nash

Quite nice, Chloe. I very much enjoy your style. Didn't know where mine was going - wanted to leave it open - but I think your continuation is seamless, logical, and captivating. Great mix of small details to flesh out dimension and tension. My socks appear to have been crowed away.

I'm not a fan of extended deadlines. I understand the rationale, but I'd be disappointed if I was voorhees and I didn't win the next entry. Waiting until the last minute doesn't connotate extra work as much as procrastination. It's $100 and a part of a significant story, but my initial trepidation that people wouldn't want to finish stories seems to be coming into fruition. If no one expresses interest (by submitting chapters), may I suggest opening it up to authors of former chapters? I'd be up for trying for another $100 and wrapping a plotline or three. (Hey, if rules are being bent/broken, why not?)

-- Nash

Is this like the "did not perform to his full potential" notes I always received in elementary school? Yeah, I know I can do much better. Have done. Will do. But a change of pace was overdue. By and large on this site, writers aren't mashing. Easy solution: give them the loosest of structures and three variables. I could always go on the Forum and solicit people to critique, but that's never been my style.

For 32 minutes of writing, I wouldn't consider this total garbage. Interspersed rubbish, maybe. At least some of it is recyclable, for those environmentally conscious authors.

Lastly, I think if you think I think you think I was thinking about thinking, then we both should rest our heads.

Suggestions for the reasons your story may have been rejected:

1. It sucks.
2. For something involving vampires, it doesn't suck.
3. Your moniker rhymes with "bashful pecker."
4. You perpetrate less fear factor than Joe Rogan.
5. "It does not fit in with our editorial needs at this time." (How many times must I read this?)
6. Scary = appropriate. Richard Scarry = inappropriate.
7. We couldn't follow your storyline with a compass, a map, a GPS, and a sherpa.
8. Our dog ate it. Then he puked it. Then he ate it again.
9. Plagiarism.
10. Plagiarism.
11. It's not you, it's us.
12. Your story leaves too much to be desired. For starters: a story.
13. Too much time getting started, unsatisfying ending.
14. Never gets started.
15. Never en
16. We've read it before, written it better, and/or seen the movie and wanted our money back.
17. Pork chops and applesauce.
18. It's that time of month. You know, when we reject everything you say or do.
19. Insufficient entry fee.
20. It reads like a stupid list.

Color me impressed! This was one tree I wasn't expecting to branch, but you've bloomed it exceptionally well.

Nice style, good dialogue, nice turn. Doesn't work for the HAC, but could take it further in another direction. (Besides, with me authoring both the first two chapters, this wouldn't be eligible for the HAC anyway.)

I'd love to see where this springs, and eventually down the road see a reunion with significant members of the cast.

It's comforting to look at my bare tootsies sometimes. I've been sockladen too long. (That means a 5, and I don't give too many.)

-- Nash

Bypassing the easy answer of "I can't remember," I'll have to say that concussions themselves are no fun whatsoever. Depending on how you earn one, that part can be enjoyable. I wouldn't prescribe a concussion for anyone - plenty of folks here have enough brain damage already.

My brief blurb is available in Katrina's Meet Your Judges blog entry. To flesh that out briefly (dangerous to say so close to mako's intro), I play too many sports, I watch too many movies, I enjoy too many games, and I used "too many" too many times. I'm not apt to apologize for my comments; while I respect you all as people, I hope to respect your writing as well.

I've been called enough names to fill a baby book, I don't wear a watch, I was recruited/suckered into coaching my three year old's soccer team (herding cats), I don't digest pizza as well as I used to, and I'm 37.

Are we done yet?

I've missed two Pink Floyd concerts that I had tickets for, both because I endured concussions the days of the shows. For fashion color's sake, I'm a winter. I'm losing 30 pounds by the end of the year, and I'm already 1/3 done in one month. I have a deviated septum and two screws in my left ankle.

Most importantly, though it's never too late, I've not yet learned to moonwalk.

Oh. And I'm longwinded.

The lead’s name is Dr. Adara Davis. Her assistant’s name is Methra. They are not Adora and Mertha. They are not Adala and Martha. They’re unusual names, but enough people have invested time in them, they should be adhered to. If you’re shooting to give them nicknames, be blatant about it. (When I was in eleventh grade, I wrote a report on Of Mice and Men without ever reading the book; a friend gave me the basis and that was sufficient. My paper detailed the story of George and Benny. Steinbeck wrote about George and Lennie. Small detail? Automatic failure.)

Be bold! There are only three chapters left. Make things happen! Sounds simple, but it's essential. If you're wrapping up a thread, do so. We're getting to the point where new main characters are hard to justify, but you still can, so long as you give them a reason.

Proofread. It's been said a zillion times, and hopefully it won't need to be repeated again. Typos, verb tense, whatever you need to do to make as smooth a read as possible.

Lastly, until the final installment, give it a worthwhile hanger. The next author needn't necessarily pick it up at that moment, but it gives an extra oomph to the judges.

Formatting aside (and the formatting was certainly put aside), I’m bewildered by your chapter. A quick review:

Segment 1: Adara feels helpless but decides to go forth. Where? Dunno. But she has a driver.

Segment 2: (my favorite) Jimmy has the focus of Tiger Woods, what with his cellmate dropping a bag of clubs to hone his concentration whenever he astral projected.

Segment 3: Adara drives into the desert with no mental map.

Segment 4: Surreality as Adara [somehow] sleeps and dreams of Methra, passing along messages.

Segment 5: (my least favorite) Franco stops the car and they embrace. Their love is explained.

Segment 6: The pine needles. Good contribution, especially with the prior significance of so many symbols. Would’ve loved to have found a pinecone hanging from Methra’s rear view mirror to connect things.

Even so, It’s a chunky coincidence for Franco to drive through the desert and spot Methra’s car. He has no visions. The desert is huge. Methra followed a feeling to get her there. What’s Franco’s reason?

Similar to another chapter, it looks like you’re holding cards in your hand, but you’re not willing to bet on them. Would’ve liked this to go somewhere more. (2.5)

You said it in your opening paragraph: “It was all falling into place too easily. Way too easily.”

In your second blip, Adara is hopeless. Helpless. Desperate. Annoying. For someone with her abilities and resources, she’s relying on Franco? Currently-in-strains-in-the-relationship, just-learned-of-superpowers, Chef-Boy-R-Franco? Doesn’t speak much for your lead.

What merited Silent’s faith in Barton? Apparently that was a mistake. For something as monumental as Silent’s activities, I find it strange that he’s “making this final fight a fun one.”

I like Barton’s confusion, but his section works better without the last sentence. I really like his character, but I’m concerned he won’t get props in time (or he’ll be crucified). Bummer.

My main objection is the passiveness of the characters. Besides Silent (and sometimes Adara), people let things happen to them instead of instigating. When Adara tries to learn more, Silent hands her the keys to the cave. (Still not sure how she recognizes it from seeing the inside. Rocks are rocks.)

Then you finish with Silent possessing Franco. If he could do that, why go through the hard work he’s already invested? It happened easily. Way too easily. (2)

Hooboy. Methra and Will? This web is certainly getting tangled.

Strangely, one line annoyed/fascinated/confused me more than anything else. When Adara opens the file and tells Franco to “see if he can find anything useful.” What the hell would he look for? But isn’t that the point – she doesn’t know. Anything useful. That sounded like someone desperate. Though I might’ve liked a glimpse more of Franco’s reaction than “he did what he was told,” I kept returning to how much I liked that snippet. Weird.

I didn’t, however, like “Let’s go get our daughter back!” Sounded like a Rick Moranis line from the unreleased “Honey, I Lost My Psychic Child.” Too gung-ho, pull up your bootstraps, and I’m on a mission-ish.

Chance is Nothing. Niiiiiiice.

I think you tapped into the potential confrontation between Will and Methra, but you held it at a drip rather than a gush. Could be available for future contributors, I suppose, but it would’ve worked in yours.

Sit and wait is a hard hanger. Even if Adara is trekking toward the cave, Will and Barton need something to do. Silent could’ve provided motivation, perhaps? (3)

Ooh. Chess match – Adara has refined a previously unfocused ability to control her mental wanderings; now she can duel with Silent? Me likey. Even so, why wouldn’t she reveal herself to Methra when she possessed Paige? Silent knows it’s Adara. If Methra has some premonition thing going herself, why wouldn’t she recognize her employer?

I’m a little confused how the images filled Adara’s mind while she was inside Paige’s head. (This whole thing is taking on a heavy Being John Malkovich vibe.) If Silent couldn’t reach inside Adara because she was in someone else’s head, how/why did that change? For that matter, if Silent _can_ control Adara (or at least see through her eyes), isn’t this entire ordeal unnecessary overkill?

Lastly, I have no idea what epiphany struck Adara to reveal Paige’s whereabouts. It’s a cave. Adara’s a doctor who, to this point, has no experience with spelunking. If she could sense Paige’s/Methra’s location, wouldn’t she have done it already? Or is there a souvenir shop set up between stalagmites that provides GPS navigators?

I like your writing style; you maintain the tension established in earlier chapters. I like the big brains facing off.

Bad analogy #7038(G): Poker game, cards are dealt. We all know what’s on the table, but we’re not sure what’s in your hand. You’re admiring them well, maybe you’ve got something, maybe you’re bluffing. You’re fondling chips, but you’ve not yet placed a bet. See? Call? Raise? You’re not folding, which is good. You talk a little trash, which is fine. But did you move the game along? I don’t know. (2.5)

Okay, so Methra has been involved in kidnappings before? She’s fairly young (mid-20s), agile, and wants to giggle when she’s abducted because he commits the amateur gaffe of using duct tape? Without yet seeing his face, she doesn’t know if he has a gun, where he’s taking her, or what’s planned. Seems awful cocky, even for a woman with Methra’s premonitions.

I particularly enjoyed your personalizing of Adara – the coffee beans, the ringtone, the conversation with Esperanza. They provided her a bit more dimension without feeling distracting.

Good breaks to keep up with Methra, Adara, Jimmy, Paige and Barton. Lots of ingredients, but you stewed them tastily. I’m somewhat confused concerning what happened between Barton and Paige – when Silent puppeteers them, do they have memories of what occurred? According to Barton, no. But Paige was hurt by him and she remembered murdering him.

Believable connection with Will Engram, though I’m not sure his tie-in was significant enough to be your hanger. Silent is established as the antagonist; Engram is thus far, a throwaway. You left various opportunities for people to pick up and run; curious why you selected that vignette to end your chapter.

All in all, a well-written installment. (4)

While I appreciated and enjoyed the escape, I had difficulty swallowing the dialog. It didn’t sound natural – too much tell, not enough speak. It’s a difficult balancing act, especially explaining supernatural power that controls minds, but it all felt On The Money. Strangely, my favorite spoken part of yours was “Fo oo ell.” Nice detail, pulled me into the story.

If Silent (why everyone refers to him as Silent Jimmy when his nickname is “Silent,” I don’t know) is such a criminal mastermind, he sure doesn’t pay attention to the little things. The escape seemed easy. Paul ties them up, but not seriously, then he leaves and isn’t seen again. (He didn’t even bother disabling Methra’s car, just in case.) Methra frees Paige and they have a considerable window for exposition. It lacked suspense. Even the hanger – telling Paige to sleep and wishing she didn’t lose her cell phone – doesn’t rattle me.

All in all, I like the direction/idea of getting free, but the execution didn’t fulfill the potential. (3)

Tough call on whether or not these should be eligible for mashing. If I didn't want that, I suppose I shouldn't've posted it. However, I think the author should have final say as to whether he wants to submit the individual chapter/story for HAC or submit a mashed product. While I'm open to the idea of people taking this places, for the HAC, I'm running it solo. (I'm not sure where it'd go anyway, as the jump sums the tale.)

We all have dark sides, TBH. I usually try to convince folks that mine's a deep tan from staying in the sun too long. (Maybe that's what baked my brain.)

-- Nash

Nurse Kelly? Seriously? Makes sense why we used to mash so enjoyably. I played Dr. Sanderson. Twelve years ago, but still...

-- Nash

Try as I might, I couldn't get the time passage out of my mind. How many days and nights passed during this chapter? Three? More? Too passive. Murders are happening. Family is at risk. Adara senses danger.

"It was on the third day that I decided to do something." How could the first two pass eventlessly? Especially with Paige's most recent statement "..he's gonna kill me." (Why the accent?)

Time passage in cliffhangers is always hard to manage. But for three days to pass, and then she plays Leia to Esperanza (You're my only hope?) Espie responds with her own visions of Comkillers? It's too left field for me.

2.5

Yours isn't the first chapter where Adara attempts to conceal her dreams from Franco. I understand her hiding them some (after the hushing by Preston in chapter 3), but I would think her family would be familiar. (Yes, she lost Charlie. But wouldn't Paige know? Is Franco ignorant or clueless to miss it?) Maybe I need to reread the first four chapters. Maybe I need to take a break from this altogether so stories don't have the potential to bleed together.

While it was comforting to see Adara dealing with her loss of focus as to what was real and what wasn't, I was frustrated when I was able to separate them.

The scene with Charlie achieved the tension and urgency the previous parts lacked. Would've liked it ratcheted up a notch. 3.

First off, I caught your note to Foo (and the followup). Careful questioning judges' impartiality. I'd consider wwb and theblackhand friends and it doesn't stop me from bleeding all over their stories if I don't believe they're up to snuff.

Good wrap up with Esperanza. I'm not sure how/if she's involved in everything - I think of her much as a loose end. Same way I consider Miguel. Served their purpose, make them useful on the way out. (Some would say the same about Paige, and I wouldn't disagree.)

I'm baffled at Fr. Preston's announcement over the school intercom. Not exactly subtle - if either girl vanishes, suspicion has to point fingers his direction. Felt more like a mallet than a cliffhanger.

Even so, I like Adara's confusion about not seeing Espie's murder. After assuring herself she'd take control, a little tug of the rug beneath her worked well.

Here's to logical confusion. 3.5.

Nona. Mona. Coincidence? Does it matter? (After the early significance of names, that aspect seems to have diminished.)

Mona - she of the free-religion - appears, conveniently needs a ride from the airport, and vanishes. It felt... too neat. I enjoy the pissy dynamic between Charlie and Franco. I don't get the superlative as to why "She's mine" was one of the biggest mistakes that Adara could ever make. I like the question about Preston's possible appearance at the airport.

Overall, it felt a little comfortable to me. Too ease-y. There needs to be downtime between freakout moments, but I felt... safe. 3.5

Creepy. Reminds me more of Perse's opener -stylewise - than any other chapter so far. I've been wondering when we'd be introduced to the antagonist. He fits. He's nasty. I admire the way you wrote him.

I don't think he should've been interspersed with more to tie him in. If anything, leave it intact and add a brief scene with the other characters. I'd change the fact that every time he's mentioned, he's John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, but that's merely because (a) the former Reverend etc. is cumbersome and (b) it's my name too.

Well-prepared, well-crafted, and well-executed. This is what I was looking for. 4.5

I'm torn. I already admitted I'm a sucker for a good conspiracy - the Holy Office should suffice. The henchmen in the casino hotel were a nice touch. I like the hypnotism of Miguel and look forward to his conclusion. You handled the exposition smoothly and shifted into gear as Adara preempted the dream. Smooth work with her realizations about the Jewish Sabbath.

Something didn't grab me. I think it's the impersonal victims. You wrote them well, but who the heck were they and why should I care if/how they're entangled in this web? They felt like Enterprise ensigns. Here they are; there they went.

Debating whether it needed more push into action. Can't decide. 3.5

Apologies for the quick comments rather than my standard novella...

Hit 'em hard, hit 'em fast, get out and leave 'em hungry. Yep, yep, yep and yep. Busy? Absolutely. But maintained the intensity.

The deaths of Miguel and Preston were sharp but limited, almost afterthoughts. No problem with them being offed, but might've liked less brevity - a peek into their demise. We're halfway through the story now and the killer hasn't manifested a face yet. Hmm.

All in all, loved it. Started strong, left stronger. 4.5

Shadow and Dog --

While reading the original, I felt a B-movie vibe. Army of Darkness wit and ridiculous monsters. Tried to convey that; apparently I failed. Ah well.

The first installment begins with the narrator telling the reader about the situation, which is why I felt no guilt about pulling out of the story. An inside joke, as it were. Still in the horror genre, but not the kind of stuff that keeps you up at night.

'Preciate your feedback, though. I may invest more time and effort in comments, but I at least try to write so as not to become one of the "those who can't do, teach. Those who can't teach, critique" bunch.

SPen - you going any further with The Idol? I'm willing to trade chapters if you are. (Not that other people aren't welcome as well, but too many stories these days are 1 or 2 chapters, and never get any further if they're not entirely done by one writer. Kinda kills the idea of mashing, no?)

-- Nash

Shadow and Dog --

While reading the original, I felt a B-movie vibe. Army of Darkness wit and ridiculous monsters. Tried to convey that; apparently I failed. Ah well.

The first installment begins with the narrator telling the reader about the situation, which is why I felt no guilt about pulling out of the story. An inside joke, as it were. Still in the horror genre, but not the kind of stuff that keeps you up at night.

'Preciate your feedback, though. I may invest more time and effort in comments, but I at least try to write so as not to become one of the "those who can't do, teach. Those who can't teach, critique" bunch.

SPen - you going any further with The Idol? I'm willing to trade chapters if you are. (Not that other people aren't welcome as well, but too many stories these days are 1 or 2 chapters, and never get any further if they're not entirely done by one writer. Kinda kills the idea of mashing, no?)

-- Nash

I haven't read your story. I will.

You've been sorely missed, Foo. Welcome back. Hope it lasts this time.

-- Nash

SP --

Fun stuff. Hope I've done it justice.

-- Nash

WWB --

Buy a watch and win a contest round. Curse your tardiness. Great stuff here.

-- Nash

This is what I have been reduced to? Counseling (consoling?) myself in Walgreens? Niiiice self-assessment. I do find it unusual, however, that a good Samaritan would pay for feminine hygiene products with the reasoning provided. Makes me suspect the payor knew Adara - perhaps the killer? Is he stalking her? With her recent hypersensitivity, wouldn't she notice a strange man following them? Instead, Adara completely dismisses whoever he may be.

Some good interplay between Mom and daughter - "kiddo" personalizes it. But it waivers with Paige's age - or at least how old Adara perceives her. Sometimes as an equal, other times as very young.

I miss the motivation for her freakout at the lawn guy. "He turned to her and waved." Strange catalyst.

Franco raised the thermostat to 78? Does the man bathe in lava?

As well-written as some of your family situations are, I'm not sure how far your chapter advances the storyline. Visit to Walgreens, spaz on the landscaper, bit of home panic, the family of three together to discuss. Would've liked it ramped up somewhere - Nona, Preston, Methra... Some more to tie it in with previous chapters and ride it downhill.

My vote: 2.5

Your skill with a pen is astounding. Smooth, easy read. I rolled through the pages with few red pen markings and few questions. I wish there was a little more show and a little less tell - Adara spells out a little much about her premonitions, Father Preston, and the escape. Even so, it passed so efficiently... I think that's what I took away from your chapter. It was efficient. I'm not sure where that ease leads to, though. They're going east to Eden, perhaps? Without the protagonist confronting the issue, I see little option but delaying the inevitable - somehow they'll either return to Vegas or they'll be tracked down. Either way, fleeing (while a nifty curveball) doesn't make sense to me.

Well written, great command of the language, wish there was more taste than presentation.

My vote: 2.5

Great opening. Simply reciting [what appear to be] real facts achieves immediate tension and somberness. No screwing around here; this is serious smack.

Previous to your chapter, we’ve established Father Preston to be a devious priest of dubious character. Miguel hasn’t been delved into much, other than the fact that he’s on death row due to questionable testimony. I’m not confident with the depiction of either character here.

Miguel has been beaten – by whom? My understanding of death row is no contact between inmates, so would the guards have whupped him? Why? He seems agreeable, gentle, docile. Nowhere near the desperation I’d expect of someone scheduled to become number something-teen with the needle. An innocent man, at that. Try as I might, I can’t figure out his character – he appears lumpy and defeated enough to concede hope. Why?

Preston , on the other hand, has several unpriestly moments. His recital of events reads like a court stenographer. Quite a memory on that guy. I chuckled at Miguel’s response: “That is EXACTLY what I mentioned...” I like the concept of Miguel being framed, but that wasn’t explored at all. He’s completely resigned? Why?

Back to the Father. Something’s obviously up between him and Miguel – the passing of the lighter, the unprovoked furious response breaking the Lord’s prayer, agreeing with James that Miguel is a lying sack. Would none of this create suspicion? He’s a corrupt priest, sure, but he’s still a priest. At least let him fake the image as well as he does at the school.

My favorite scene involved Theresa’s car trouble. Would’ve liked a little more. The teaser provided an awkward discomfort, which was appropriate. Maybe if you started the chapter with that, then revisited it later to hype the fear?

For the news report, I’m unsure why Sanchez would be tied into Leonard’s murder, considering he was incarcerated. I see the Thou Shalt connection, but the clip opens with more info on Sanchez than the victim. Odd.

Last significant question: what is Adara Davis’ sin? Several stories paint her as a potential victim in the Commandments killings. It’s not adultery, not honor thy folks, not bear false witness, not no other gods. Hmm.

My vote: 3

Where’s the rest of this? What have you done with the remainder of your chapter?

I’ll admit when I looked at the page, I saw these two paragraph bricks and I worried about run-ons and a pacing shift. Happy to see those concerns were unmerited.

Were it not for Adara muttering, “Too many questions, no answers,” I might’ve considered it exactly that. Why recount the situation at this stage, other than to provide a summary for people who didn’t read the first three chapters? Surprisingly, her acknowledgment justified it for me.

I enjoyed her invisible fly on the wall act and I believed the room’s presences.

The only thing I’m missing is how this advances the story? So Father Preston saw the dream. And? Pleasant read aside, the next author could still pick up at the end of chapter three. I’m sorely disappointed. Unfulfilled, as it were. I like how you started, but I’m missing _what_ you started.

My vote: 2

The Dark Gray Society? I’m always a fan of faceless conspiracy groups, even those that stakeout my house twice a week. Garbage collectors, my ****!

Cool direction you’re swinging this. I wondered about the connection between Father Preston and Miguel Sanchez, and though I’m not sure what kind of underground club would welcome both with open arms, that’s the beauty of masons and illuminati and all those – the mystery.

Could’ve been even better had you tied in the clock motif – your title and Miguel’s persistent thought pattern made me believe there would be more dealing with time. Circular timelines? Broken time? A stitch in time saves Nona?

A few confusing points:

“Miguel laughed yet this time not allowing for anything to break through his rigid stature.” Huh? I missed the boat on this one.

Father Preston’s confession, “I too am deeply submerged in these treacherous waters” felt unmerited. Why wouldn’t the priest hold an upper hand? Is Miguel higher on the society’s ladder, perhaps?

Figure out a way out of the wrath of... them. Okay, now I’m lost. If Miguel and Preston are part of the society, then why would they fear themselves? Or are we going Enigmatic Jets and Riddle Sharks? Threw me for a loop. Mystique is good. Confusion is not.

Miguel’s thought: “To survive he would have to do something” smelled Master of the Obvious to me. Give me substance.

“...behind the bars. They must be taken down soon...” The bars? The society again? I read that to mean the bars, which made me think of some prison break. Loads of potential there.

Speaking of potential, you have a great line toward the end “a trip that would either ensure her death or survival...” No ellipsis, please! You’re sapping your own power! Even more powerful to split into two thoughts. “a trip that would ensure her survival. Or her death.”

I can’t think of a way Adara would view the school phone call as a prank. What kind of prank is that?

My favorite section is Adara’s dream of “We need you” and the variety of intonations. It fits. I don’t like the line “Adara thought she would go insane,” as a psychologist whose whole life has been littered with intuitions wouldn’t be rattled by this comparatively minor occurrence.

There are parts I find muddled and redundant, and [another] proofreader would be beneficial. Still, I like the avenue you’ve taken. Novel, out there, but conceivable. Well done.

My vote: 3.5

Great meeting with Father Preston and Miguel Sanchez. Not sure where the otherwise cocky priest’s backbone vanished to, or – more importantly – what the other side of the contract was, but it’s refreshing to see an angle where Miguel is a baaaad dude. Whether or not he murdered his family, he’s not someone to be trifled with. Curious to see how he ties in with the Thou Shalts. Great description – acorns in his cheeks.

(Father Preston’s “ Alvin ” comment, I presume, related to Alvin and the Chipmunks? That was an MST3K moment, obscure for either a priest or a death row inmate.)

Are meetings between the walking dead and their holy counsel observed? Would it matter? Miguel admits his guilt, but would Preston be willing to put himself at risk with the guards for his wrongdoings? The fist-boom brought the guard into the room, which leads me to believe they could hear if they wanted. Probably some confidentiality provision. Hmm.

Would’ve liked something a little more novel than the throat slash gesture. I like the convict threatening the sometimes-spineless clergyman, and the result is heavy. No clue what the connection is between Miguel and Paige, but that’s why it’s called collaborative fiction.

Then you shift. And what a shift it is.

The POV shift from chapter 2 to 3 is substantial. The shift to another first person entirely is jarring. Takes me a bit to absorb, especially with these factors to consider:

1. At this point, Paige has no reason to know about any murder. Adara didn’t discuss last night’s dream. She rushed to the school and scared/embarrassed Paige with how overly affectionate she was, but never did she mention a death.

2. You establish Paige had one of mom’s dreams, which indicates she’s had them before. She recognizes Gabby (and her sister?), but we don’t. She has no history with Nona Flores (not even the file), and the story is hitting the stage where coincidences feel forced.

3. Basically, you’ve demoted your lead. It’s gone from a mature doctor detective to Nancy Drew.

As the body counts (both dream and earth) increase, I’m not ready to make that shift. It’s well-written and radical. Instead of finding an alternate route with Adara, this reads as if the author programmed an altogether different destination in her GPS. Your title reflects as much, which makes me believe you weren’t happy with the old direction.

My vote: 2.5

In mysteries and horror stories, twists are a good thing. There comes a point when the twist makes me dizzy and I have trouble righting myself. I fear your chapter hit that stage.

Dr. Davis transformed into another character. Granted, oxycodone can alter the mind, but I’d expect a doctor to live more responsibly when she feels her daughter’s life was threatened – that day. Escapism didn’t fit with her portrait. Taking off a week to get stoned? Not Adara.

On the flipside, I don’t see the vigilante in her either. Protection, yes. Stuffing your pants with butcher’s knives (what a wonderful way to impale your thighs) and seeking out killers? I can’t suspend my disbelief that far.

You have some terrific moments – grandpa’s pipe smoke familiar, the squish of a deflated balloon, the sort of pleasure she could only compare to her first orgasm.

I liked the dreams – both the killer and the wolf. I suppose those included my favorite moments. My issues surface when she’s awake.

Nit: “many of the waterfront dives in this city.” Las Vegas ? I haven’t been there, so maybe they exist.

I truly respect your boldness in pushing the story forward. Unfortunately, I can’t buy Adara the huntress.

My vote: 2

In mysteries and horror stories, twists are a good thing. There comes a point when the twist makes me dizzy and I have trouble righting myself. I fear your chapter hit that stage.

Dr. Davis transformed into another character. Granted, oxycodone can alter the mind, but I’d expect a doctor to live more responsibly when she feels her daughter’s life was threatened – that day. Escapism didn’t fit with her portrait. Taking off a week to get stoned? Not Adara.

On the flipside, I don’t see the vigilante in her either. Protection, yes. Stuffing your pants with butcher’s knives (what a wonderful way to impale your thighs) and seeking out killers? I can’t suspend my disbelief that far.

You have some terrific moments – grandpa’s pipe smoke familiar, the squish of a deflated balloon, the sort of pleasure she could only compare to her first orgasm.

I liked the dreams – both the killer and the wolf. I suppose those included my favorite moments. My issues surface when she’s awake.

Nit: “many of the waterfront dives in this city.” Las Vegas ? I haven’t been there, so maybe they exist.

I truly respect your boldness in pushing the story forward. Unfortunately, I can’t buy Adara the huntress.

My vote: 2

Voorhees –

I’ve read three of your chapters thus far; I’ll try to get around to commenting on the other two soon. As this is #4 of 10 I have to hit for this series, that may take longer than I’d like.

First, so you’ll feel like this is a true Nash critique, allow me to kvetch about something meager and insignificant. [Adara] tucked Paige comfortably into bed. How else would she tuck? Uncomfortably? Same deal when she slowly staggered. It’s rare to see someone stagger any other way. Watch your adverbs and adjectives so they can be productive without being redundant.

First time consensual sex has been introduced in this storyline, but I appreciate how Adara introduces it as “an orgasm could be the cure I needed.” Believable, I suppose. Neither my wife or I resemble wild animals in bed (unless sloths count), so I’ll leave comments about moaning and howling alone.

Interesting how the moment seems to incite Adara’s vision. I’ve no idea how posture dictates a man between 57-63 – unusual range, unless Adara worked one of her college summers as a carnival barker. Good resurface of the moments when Adara assumes the body of the dream victims. Bummer for her timing.

I’m a sucker for a good detail, a la the nasal pillow and breathing tube. Only worn the stupid thing eight months, myself. Tidbits like that add validity and tangibility. Well done.

Uh-oh. Foreboding with Methra. Nice job leaving that lead for a future author.

“It was easy to tell by her bluntness that she was near the end of her shift.” Great line.

When Adara notices Preston ’s name, the reaction was minimal, even internally. I might’ve liked more with her intuition. Not that she’d see his visit, but that it would provoke more of a thought/emotional response.

Nit: “3 minutes.” Spell out 3. I don’t know the general rule, but (besides time), spelling out anything short of one-hundred looks more professional.

I understand Adara went through three waves of security, but it still seems a little easy for her to slip in down the proverbial green mile. Not to go all CSI, but if the blood was spewing out of gashes (sixteen three-inch letters worth), how would Miguel have had enough left to hang himself? For that matter, I’d think his chest would be hard to read with that much blood spilling everywhere. And either that bed is really high or he’s really short.

I’m trying to figure out where this goes next. Someone/something got into Miguel’s cell and killed him – or possessed him until he killed himself. Either way, Miguel is a [literally] dead end. You’ve left something with Methra’s whereabouts that can go places. Other than that, Adara’s at a stall right now. There are other characters (Father Preston, the killer) the next chapter can focus on, but with the hanging, I’m not sure how much the storyline was advanced. Ah yes – they’re no longer all women.

My vote: 3.5

Welcome to the magnifying glass, Architect. It’s not here to catch sunlight and fry your script. Rather, I’m giving you an editor’s treatment so you can improve and clean future chapters. Thank/Curse me later.

You wrote: “Father Preston,” [Miguel] said, regarding the man, “or should I call you Damian?!” Miguel said, mocking the priest.

> You use several features that work in email or casual writings, but they pull me out of the story. ?! – is it an exclaimed question? Later, you break into caps to STRESS an IMPORTANT spoken word. Italics would work better in each of these. Italicize Damian and hope (and dead, though a single capped word sentence works).

> You also tell me twice in two sentences that Miguel is the speaker.

You wrote: “I couldn’t get his voice out of my head or the school bell ringing. The school bell ringing! There had to be someone that saw him if…no, when he was making the call at the school.”

> Broken thought – should be “I couldn’t get his voice or the school bell ringing out of my head.”

> The ellipses indicates a yadda yadda. Sometimes, that’s time passing, others it’s the omission of details from a list. Here, a dash would suffice. You use the “no” tool twice, the second time “puzzled, no concerned.” Both times, it pulled me off the page.

You wrote: “Utter and sheer terror.” Agh. (You used “sheer and utter panic!” later) That’s like saying my food is completely and entirely tasty. Or my morning walk was thoroughly exercise. Beware politician-speak, especially when you’re afforded the time and space to say it better here.

Time jump: Franco is inches behind Adara as she falls up the stairs. Moments later, “Franco got to Paige’s bedroom and stood in the door” where he asked Adara if she was alright (technically, alright is not a word, though it’d be hypocritical to nail that). Is Franco that slow of a mover that it took him an extra minute to reach the same destination? If Adara fell, wouldn’t he be there to help her up? I gather things are hazy for Adara and she might have her timelines screwy, but it fuzzes up my perception as well.

You wrote: “Paige was asleep; deeply asleep.” It’s similar to the “no” gimmick, stressing a point. Why emphasize this at all? Let less be more. Same for “desperate verging on terrified.” Is terrified worse than desperate?

You wrote: “Dinner smells great!” I added, in a failed attempt to change the subject. I appreciate the intent, but let things occur naturally. Adara didn’t add it in a failed attempt. She added it in an attempt. Best to scrap everything after the quote and let Franco ignore the compliment. As someone accused of force feeding my readers, I’m trying to patrol myself in this area too.

I could continue, but the point of this contest is to choose the best storylines, not those with the least nits. So I’ll remove my magnifying class (intentional typo) and move to the wide lens.

Good back story components. Might’ve liked a detail or two on the divorce from Charlie to flesh out Adara’s flawed relationships, but it was nice to learn Franco was a rebound.

If Adara didn’t tell anyone about Amelia’s death, why would Franco become quiet and distant? Why/what would Amelia covet, anyway? Franco’s attention for sister suddenly went to girlfriend? What exactly was it that Adara thought they all knew?

I like Esperanza Flores and your persistence of getting her involved. I don’t know how she would know about “Little girls that dishonor their parents” and how that would relate to Paige, but there are several supernatural premonitions involved in your storyline, so I’m okay with that.

Solid desperation with Adara calling 911. What the hell would make her “decide to flip on the television”? I’ll assume she had a feeling, an urge. But the abrupt decision was illogical and jarring without mentioning a twinge, something. What happened to the 911 call? How did the phone ring again after the news story? I trust 911 wouldn’t have hung up their end of the call.

News report: ComKiller – makes me think online. CommitmentKiller is bulky and doesn’t roll, but I don’t think ComKiller is the solution. Drawing the connection to Amanda Degli so quickly felt out of place too. I understand its necessity to establish a basis for a serial killer, but I didn’t hear it naturally. No location for the murder? That’s usually one of the first details. (I suppose Adara could have tuned in after that info was provided.)

What I most liked was the way you deepened the connection Chloe drew with Preston ’s off-hand “Like mother, like daughter.” I don’t know how it’ll cumulate, but it’s savory hanger for the next author.

My vote: 4

(Did I just write a longer comment than the chapter itself? I gotta stop that.)

Your style is effortless and comfortable, which is both a sizeable compliment and a tiny bummer. No argument that the roller coaster ride of this story was due for a brief catch-your-breath stint, and you definitely jacked it up with your ending. But I’m not sure how far I traveled. Yes, the killer now knows where Dr. Davis lives. And he points out that she’s vulnerable. To the point where she’s the front runner as the next victim. (Great hanger.) Maybe it’s because I’ve read a bunch of chapters for this, but the killer’s tangibility was established before, and he’s made it personal for Adara from the beginning. At this stage – the middle third – I don’t need solutions, but leads should sprout. He knows Adara. How? What’s the connection? Let later chapters handle solving/catching/dying.

I like Ken’s introduction, black socks and all. But unless Adara has regular visitors letting themselves into the house, her community appears to be the type of area that would pay attention to unusual activity. As painted, Ken is an outsider without the wherewithal to provide help.

Again, beautiful, well-written pages. Big, banging shocker at the end. (How Thou Shalt Not Kill relates then, I’m not sure). Simply felt like a veggie tray when I kept looking for meat.

My vote: 3

Is this supposed to be a comment or a critique? Because you’re supposed to make comments –by you, I mean the general population, not any specific entity. Except me, who became part of the mass when I wrote these words. Except that I wrote these words in Word then emailed them to another version of me on Yahoo before copying and pasting them into this site, which carries yet another cyber-dimension of mine. All of us truly appreciated your execution of the story. And we (royally) mean that, with both connotations of “execution.”

Nash leaned away from the screen and decided he was only famous enough in his own mind to refer to himself in third person. As the rest of the world hasn't yet appreciated my celebrity, I shall leave you with this:

Who, me? What?

(Looking forward to more of your stuff, SP.)

Nothing too brilliant. Momma was outside - she sees the "monster," whatever that becomes. Sure, it could be Daddy, but that wasn't my original thought. I chose to leave that part open to the next masher.

I only picked up the fact that the well was in their yard on a reread of the opener. Oops. Perhaps they have acres and acres of yard?

Honey's comment is dead on about biology class and wells full of dead dogs. Ah well. I skipped it for chemistry and didn't learn much there either.

Chloe's chapter was the third out of ten. I recommend reading Persephonie's opener, then my chapter, then Chloe's again to get a full handle on the story. When you feel like you know the characters well, go to the bottom of Chloe's chapter and click on Write the Next Chapter. Then you'll be eligible for round four. You can also start new stories using the menu on the right. Look around. Read a bunch. Find something that intrigues you. And go!

Sidenote to Chloe: I'm hardly the gold standard. It just takes something really good to knock my socks off.

Much cleaner, much tighter, much improved. (4) -- Nash

I’m an idiot. (By the lack of arguments, I’ll take it that’s an accepted fact.)

Your ending confused me, I had to read the last page twice. Then a third time before I got it. DarkTieMan is in cohoots with the killer. Or they are the same guy. Or you’ve constructed one hell of a herring.

The first part of your story is competently written. I don’t want to bypass it; it simply isn’t the same caliber as the second half. I’ll address your opening quickly: Adara’s drive is tense, but the bulky paragraphs don’t favor anxiety like quick hits might. When she forced herself to “keep driving,” I would have liked it if she forced herself to do something more specific, less vague. I forced myself to keep the speedometer in the red. ...to hold my hands at ten and two and hold my foot to the floor. ...to focus on the road so as not to accidentally add to the killer’s body count. It’s a set up with no punch. That’s a nit, though.

Good line: “His figure may have been solid, but his eyes said he was suddenly considering alternative employment.” (His body said yes, but his eyes said please, please no!) Apparently he didn’t get much training beyond how to put on a security officer’s uniform.

When she sees the body, I like how you limited the scene to minimal gory detail: “his hands over her own as blood spilled through both of their fingers and pooled onto the papers and floor around them.” Less works as more for me.

The cop’s response felt understated, a little too polite in lieu of the circumstances. Admittedly, this was not the job he signed up for. But he didn’t communicate the dire situation. I can forgive that, as he may be trying to keep the unnamed woman from going into shock.

Then you get to the hand on Adara’s shoulder. An official looking man. Placating. Reassuring. His line rang as awkward at best; why the hell would he ask if she was with the school? He’s not the principal (she’d recognize him.) He’s not a cop (no badge). Not a teacher (why wandering?) Detective, maybe? What on earth did you place this obscure person here for and why don’t you provide any better detail. What a schmoe.

With my determination that DarkTieMan is a detective, I trashed his next lines. How would he ever know Paige is alright? We’ll know soon where she is? Come on, now. That’s completely unrealistic.

The “images” reflection of Nona’s file (accurately pointed out by Silver that I probably pooched) form a distraction and when the runner bonks his bundle on a tree branch, I suddenly see the killer as Goon Crazy more than Psycho Crazy. You’ve almost lost me.

Dr. Davis finishes her vision, leaving her woozy. So much so, she leaves the idiot in the hall and passes out. Stress, maybe. Did she trip? Faint? The guard clock her? (Wait... she felt like she’d been drinking? Huh?)

I’m willing to accept Adara’s oversight of why DarkTieMan was there too. She experiences an emotional roller coaster, elated in the delight that the pain is not her daughter. That’s one messed-up emotion.

I would’ve liked if the first half was on the same level as the second. I’m not sure how the vision line in the hanger works. But I thoroughly enjoyed being tricked. Justifiably fooled. It shouldn’t be that hard, and maybe everyone else figured it out upon first read. Then again, I’m an idiot.

My vote: 4

Wow. That’s spooky.

I’m not sure if you want to consider this a compliment, but there were sections of this I felt like I wrote. My style isn’t a direct match of Perse’s, and each chapter will have a slightly different author-ized flavor to it. But I recall moments when I tried to remember when I thought of what you penned. Nicely done.

Some concerns:

Your first three paragraphs establish her mindset between the phone call and her car, creating a speed bump in momentum. That train of thought could occur while she was in transit, which would sustain movement toward a solution. Also, in the opening (and one other spot, if I recall), Adara feels like she’s speaking to the camera. The inner narrative is good exposition, but it sounds like she has an audience – as if she knows this is being written about her. Maybe it’s because of the cluster of thoughts – later, when she awarded herself an Oscar, I thought the voice worked seamlessly.

Love the dialogue. I hear a truly distraught mother straining to maintain a voice of control.

Love the sidenote: “So yeah, I had a gun.” Wasn’t inspired by “and I knew how to use it.” Felt more badass without the cliché. When she shows the gun to the secretary, that clarifies she knows how to use it: To make people do things.

I like how a psychologist “took the edge off” by assigning a mundane name. Mr. Commandments. I’m not sure if I prefer that or The Saint, as named elsewhere. Media could go one direction, Adara another, I suppose.

Great exchange between the doctor and the kidnapper. Curious what his powers entail. I like how he has questions. Vulnerabilities. Convincing himself she’s employed/sent by the Devil. Mr. Commandments may be the scariest speaking killer so far. Or I’m just a fan of your dialogue.

You maintains a slow boil rather than the blow torch Perse established, incorporating more my style than hers. I would have liked it to move farther and take another step. Adored your hanger, but wanted the stakes to be raised somehow. I could infer from chapter 2 that the kidnapper had/could easily get Paige. By the end of your chapter, we haven’t progressed very far.

My vote: 4

Titles like “Connections” don’t usually catch my eye. Honestly, I didn’t pay attention to it until I finished reading your story and my first note on the page was “NICE CONNECTIONS.” (I handwrite in all caps or else I’d never be able to decipher my scrawl.)

I especially like the tie of the victims influencing court verdicts in trials. When “bear false witness against your neighbors” occurred, I had no expectations of a follow up on that thread. Inheritance issues leading to “honor thy parents” – it makes sense and oddly doesn’t feel forced. Well done.

I appreciated that connection more than Adara’s familiarity with the murder of Maya. You mention it in passing – pangs of guilt and regret since Adara had “probably witnessed or rather heard the murder.” I had to read back to find the murder happening. I assume that was when she traveled into the other kitchen, heard a scream, and heard the commandment? It didn’t portray the intensity of a murder scene.

That’s my main issue with this chapter. You write neatly and explain thoughts and motivations realistically (occasionally slipping into a more expository feel), but it lacks the charge of the preceding two installments.

Some take home lines: “I must have sounded like I felt because after a few words that I think included Paige and school, I heard Franco saying he’ll meet me at the school in ten minutes.” And the brutal distance-maker, “I’ll tell you when I think you’re ready for it.” That could be crueler than anything the murderer has said thus far.

Nit: LAPD? Typo; I’m sure you intended LVPD.

Some nagging questions: why would the nurse declare Dr. Davis to be “perfectly fine” within minutes of a fainting spell? Could be narcolepsy. Obviously was blackouts. As a medic, I sure as hell wouldn’t greenlight her operating a car so quickly. It’s an easy fix – being a doctor, Adara could overrule the nurse’s opinion. But “proclaiming that I was perfectly fine” was enough of a superlative to pull me out of the page. Didn’t feel real.

Within hours of that, Adara has the vision/spell of the murder. She “managed to laugh and make [Paige and Franco] believe I was tricking them.” I missed that boat altogether. Teenaged daughter and assumed significant other wouldn’t buy that twice in such a short span.

Your pacing is deliberate, your language flows, and your hanger ties yet one more connection. You supply potential answers to questions, but the waking dreams leading to fainting opens up a hole that my head’s too big to fit through. (Let the jokes commence.)

My vote: 3.5

I read the comments on this before reading the story (which I still haven't gotten to). It is not my intent to make anyone feel bad. If you look at the other comments I leave, hopefully you'll see I make a sincere effort at using the same lens on everyone. My hope is to help people become better writers by pointing out areas they can improve and areas that are quality. You're not the only one who doesn't like my critiques, but I appreciate you being bold enough to request I don't leave one.

-- Nash

Preemptive dream management! How novel!

No idea why Dr. Johansson – high school dean – would suddenly crack into Mr. Hyde, but he’s painted as Adara’s primary (read: only) suspect. It leaves room for the next contributor to provide detail, but some connection would have been helpful. Without it, the aspirin-needing, “bitch”-hearing, otherwise bland guy is the #1 option murderer. Seems unjustified.

Some catchy lines: “hoped that her only problem was her period.” “Confident, capable, and curious in the extreme.” “Paige had slept, or at least pretended to sleep.” “Saw the change in her eyes and I recognized you.”

Unfortunately, I was distracted by the deliberate spelling out Adara’s emotions in her conversation with Nurse White. Show, don’t tell. The last paragraph of their conversation has a bulkload of thought, which throws off the pacing of the conversation even more. Let it flow naturally. Include elements of reaction and description to compliment the speech, but beware of overload.

I’m amazed the killer would leave her a message. How unrewarding for him! I’m more inclined to believe he’d perform a singing telegram than leave a voice message; that way, he could enjoy Dr. Davis’s expression. Unless he somehow sees her listen to the answering machine. Missed that, if it’s the case. If he’s really good at avoiding the cops, leaving a message feels amateurish. I know it’s common for psychopaths/sociopaths to test the limits of what they can get away with, but if he’s going out on a line like this, he’d want to hear Adara’s breathing. Of that, I have no doubt.

Detective Silverwolf provides a transport toward the preemptive dream management and I like that. Spirit flying sounds authentic and I appreciate the American Indian angle. Logical, sensible, appropriate. I don’t buy his “I believe your story. All of it. Every detail.” He’s a detective. Unless he sees Adara as some rube to take advantage of, I can’t form those words in his mouth. There are also moments where his knowledge feels expository – I like the EM wave patterns having an identity, but Silverwolf’s assertion that “That’s how the killer knew of your presence” felt heavy.

There were other moments he felt like a cop – he needs more consistency between professional flatfoot and paranormal supporter.

This may get me in trouble, but what the hell: I thought I detected where you were deliberately trying to write from the mindset of a woman. It’s not easy. I sure as hell can’t do it reliably. I think you fouled it off a couple times, but I didn’t feel like you hit the sweet spot.

Though it’s busy, the direction of meeting with Grandpa and potentially mixing Indian spirituality with the Ten Commandments intrigues me. Could get very busy very fast.

My vote: 3

Interesting concept, seers witnessing each other during second sights. It becomes twisted even more when third parties (Nona) become involved – who’s seeing whom? Should Nona have seen Adara? Could the killer see them both? (Apparently.) Opens up two new questions:

1. Can seers only receive visions from other people with that intrinsic ability?

2. Would that translate in this story to all the victims having second sight? Creates another cool tie-in and provides a lead for Dr. Davis, the cops, and anyone else.

Even further, how would the killer “damn well know who Paige is” simply by knowing Dr. Davis? That went over my head.

I like the new alliance with Bill the cop, but I’m unsure what he brings to the table. He has “pictures of dead women” – I assume they’re photos from murder scenes? – but he has “years behind a desk” which didn’t seem to jive. He’s the brains – field patrollers bring him clues and he solves mysteries?

Sidenote: your verb tense went all over the place, but one spot I found very funny was “He was handsom [sic] and tall. He is ruggedly built.” No longer handsome. No longer tall. Heh.

Bill has a knack for empathy, which would come with an investigator. Important to know who’s telling the truth. I would’ve liked him to have more personality, but I suppose that’s open to the next interpreter. I like her tie-in as the Paranormal Lieason [sic] – that could actually benefit the story with Nona. It would, however, reduce her surprise when she received Nona’s file at the end of the opening chapter.

I’m not sure what purpose Paige served besides an emotional barometer. She contributed [usually understated] reactions, but I didn’t feel like she was a teenager. Paige noticed Adara’s “lack of disiplining [sic]” as she peeled out, then joked about what casino they’d visit? Odd. When you wrote “the last ten minutes had finally pushed her to her breaking point,” I would’ve preferred seeing the transformation.

When Dr. Davis fishtails into Precinct 10, no officer flinches? They yell, sure, but you painted them stuck to their cigarettes and doughnust [sic]. Stereotypical cops. This presented a wide open spot for a quick exchange to provide the tension, Adara’s importance, Paige’s snarky teenage wit... Instead, Adara does not even listen to them. Why write a set up but no follow through?

I like some of your style: “I wave sorry, he waves his middle finger.” Paige’s feet out the window. I like the press naming the killer The Saint. It fits.

I’m not a big fan of Paige sitting and listening and three sentences later, Bill sitting and listening. Too passive at a moment when action is necessary. Talking heads and exposition aren’t as interesting as good dialogue amidst a fleshed out scene. Your hanger isn’t the most inspiring either.

My vote: 2.5

Kabrams --

Thanks for the last minute mention. I agree with several of your suggestions and do my part to provide clarity. I wrote a "chapter" detailing why I vote the way I do; however, it is a subjective thing and there's always something to appealing to a judge/writing with a judge in mind. The hard part is finding something multiple judges enjoy. Quality trumps all and if you write something compelling and you do it well, greatness is rewarded.

Honestly, I think round 3 has managed stronger entries than round 2 and I'm glad to have grabbed the ring when I did. I can't guarantee I'll vote every round, but if you post something this round, I'm making the effort to put notes on at least one story by each author this time.

I will always post my votes in the comments and I suggest/recommend/urge you do the same. The more people do it, the more it will become standard nature.

There will always be retaliatory votes. I strive to do honest critiques and they sometimes hurt. Feedback is part of the writing process. I'm not apt to apologize.

I'm against voting on random stories. I tried Helium, but so often I'd get stories I had no interest (or qualification) to critique. With some thin-skins, I've learned not to comment. As much as I'd like to think a community can be as clean cut as The Truman Show, blemishes will always surface.

Good luck and keep writing!

-- Nash

You skillfully tangled the feeling from the first chapter into this installment with a masterful control of language and description. I like the flash – is it another [waking] dream? Has she been transported in her mind or body? And Jackson assisting Adara back to reality is believably persistent without being overly aggressive or passive. Are the thumps him tapping her? Gentle pats on the cheeks to rouse her to consciousness?

I enjoyed the vivid imagery during the dream – the lace and embroidery, Paige’s brown eyes and the ensuing memories, the fleeing tear. Tangible. Quality.

Surprised by the appearance of the Bible in Adara’s vehicle. I’m curious why the sticky note author chose that medium rather than bookmarking and/or highlighting Exodus 20. And I’m not altogether sure why she reacted in that manner – might another paragraph touching on Adara’s religious view/belief have benefited?

While I see the connection to the second chapter, the panic rush seems to have subsided. Franco’s call provides an annoyance and some character (I admire the importance of a pizza king job compared to a doctor), but your story really starts with the third paragraph. Besides the vision, I don’t know how much the storyline itself was pushed forward.

To sum it up, your chapter’s hanger occurs only moments later than chapter 2. I longed for more to happen on the exterior. Keep the mindsight. Add some body work.

Your style is excellent. Your momentum is lacking.

My vote: 3.5

This is how it’s done, folks.

Keep the mood worrisome through transit, spicing the drive with the dregs of reality to establish a deeply dimensional setting. Provide viable reasons for concern – the phone line dying (due to Mrs. Wagner’s ineptitude?), the Biblical Armageddon-ists, the hooker-as-anyone’s child (or Nona). Great touch with the family counting thumpers.

Edgy conversation when Paige calls Mom back; cover the points in believable speech. My favorite lines: “No point troubling Mrs. Wagner. She would be useless and besides, she had a weak heart.” What an exquisitely underhanded approach to kindness.

Nice touch with the Catholic school. Makes sense, considering the religious overtone of the story. Father Preston impressed me as a little over-the-top, but for a primary suspect, it makes sense – there were times (when he interrupted the meeting with Margaret) when his sinister nature ran thicker. For some reason, I pictured Dennis Farina. Another great line: “If eyes were the window to the soul, Father Preston had little of either.” Considering the accusations of curtains of silence with the religious hierarchy in the 80s, Margaret’s sudden departure to an unnamed Carolina is feasible too.

Even so, Father Preston provided intrigue – he knows a little more about of her powers than he should, but why? Humor – the bumper sticker. And a strong hanger for the next author which encompassed Miguel Sanchez, lest we forget his importance to the storyline.

Nit: the typos became distracting. Spell check. Tsk-tsk.

I’m glad I didn’t have to run up against this chapter. It’s hard to run when I’m not wearing any socks. (5)

I think I’d like your opening sentence except for how much it bugs me when people open with “I think.” Pet peeve. Remove those two words and increase the effectiveness of the sentence tenfold.

When I read your beginning, it nagged me how disturbingly calm Adara remained. Analytical. Emotionally detached. As a psych doctor (can’t remember psychologist or psychiatrist), she could well have the ability to distance herself from the situation for better perspective. It still loses the motherly passion – and I’m not positive she could remove that feeling – but I understood how your chapter centered on her mindset as it continued.

(Small sidenote: “something that smelled suspiciously like weed.” I wanted you to add, “looked suspiciously like weed and quacked like a duck.”)

Other indicators that it’s all in her mind: her concern for the smokers’ being socially inept/his mention of lying causing social damage. Her smelling the gummy bears/him luring Paige with them. Something about his assertion of “the balance of their relationship” hinted at a solo/dual existence as well. I don’t know how enthralling that direction could lead, but I’m curious to find out.

Should it follow this string, I’m not sure that Ten Commandments requires ten murders – they could be incarnations of Adara’s characteristics. How does Nona’s murder relate? Dunno – copycat? I enjoy the idea of a psych doctor going crazy.

I have two issues. (1) Even with Adara’s detachment, you didn’t maintain the tone of the first two chapters. Mine doesn’t stay as white-knuckled as Perse’s, so there’ll always be shifts between authors. Yours eases up on the throttle even further, which leads to (2) A murky hanger. It’s open to direction from here, but there’s no bang at the end. The prospect of an explanatory session with her daughter isn’t exciting or enticing. Would’ve liked more substance for the next author to work from.

My vote: 3.5

I’ve heard that any detracting remark requires four positive remarks to balance it out. I don’t think I’ll be able to maintain that ratio.

Your opening paragraph stumbles – you took the baton from the last chapter, stared at it for a moment, defined it, decided what to do with it, checked to make sure you were holding it correctly, then started down the lane. It’s all tell and no show. With hopes of showing places for improvement (and not browbeating), I’ll apply a macro lens to the first paragraph:

“Something had to be done” (twice). Obvious, yes. Determination, yes. Urgency, not so much.

“I left the building with my car keys.” Very passive. I leave my building with my car keys every day. I also have my wallet, my briefcase, and my cell phone. How can you inject this with tension?

“First the damn killer...” Felt more like an unnecessary review than a tie in to the last two chapters. Also, ‘damn’ appears to be your curse of choice. Nothing wrong with that, but it comes off more as a nuisance than an emergency.

“This just couldn’t be ignored.” Again, this is a bother instead of a life or death situation.

“After a few minutes, I was in the parking lot running for my car.” So she walked across the campus first? As a doctor, wouldn’t she have a designated spot near her office? Was she waiting for a shuttle? How can you notch up the intensity?

“As soon as I saw it, I ran straight there running as if the killer were right behind me.” If you must include this sentence, scrap everything up to “as if” and add it to the end of the last sentence. Redundant. And there’s a different desperation between running to protect someone else and running to protect yourself. The former requires courage. The latter is mere survival instinct.

“I popped the keys into the door, almost broke the door as I threw it open, and was immediately reppeled [sic] by what I saw.” This is the first sentence with meat. No need to mention the keys, but nearly breaking the door displays her mindset and the repulsion grabs my attention.

That the killer (thesaurus?) left a finger is new and substantial information. Whose digit? Does this indicate he has the classic syndrome of wanting to see how far he can go without getting caught? Why the eavesdropper angle? Sparks good questions.

Her drive didn’t do much for me (although I saw a great gag set-up when you mentioned “a few middle fingers here and there). Your tell, don’t show style tended to pull me out of the page – when Paige was abducted into the van, I have difficulty believing Dr. Davis “planned to take part in a race persay.” If the cops are pursuing her, how/why did they vanish during/after her dream? Wouldn’t cops be good news, as they could help Adara abduct her daughter’s abductor? (Say that ten times fast!)

I don’t know how this progresses the overall story – Is the scene with Methra a dream? Is Adara ethereal? Why attack Methra at all? Why can't they see the doctor? Other than him chanting, how/why is the tie-in with the Ten Commandments? What happened to Paige? This leaves too many holes; someone dropped a straight razor in the dryer with a bedsheet and let it spin for an hour.

My vote: 1.5

Your opening slaps the reader upside the head to make sure they’re paying attention. When Adara reaches the school, the principal is doing what he can to control the swarms. It could have upped even further into mayhem if students weren’t merely “standing outside the school” – better to spread rumors, gossip, hacky sack, sneak a cigarette, or do something more active. But I like how you open with a bang! Even better that it takes several paragraphs to learn it was a fire alarm. Nice pacing for your beginning.

It drags slightly as Dr. Dillard leads to Mrs. Collins leads to Mr. Jones to Paige; dunno whether it’d be better to dissect the chase or assume it and move on. Your tendency to recount events has great details (anyone not back should be listed on attendance slips; the mother look; the cucumber skin), but the reasoning for your snippets puzzles me.

Paige would be thankful that someone triggered the alarm and got her out of school – though different means, her goal (the reason she called her mom) was accomplished. Mom would have suspicions about who pulled the alarm. I didn’t feel like either of those mindsets were fully present in the car. Yes, Mom instructed her to lock the doors. But it felt like a meatless exchange.

Why/Would an amber alert be set for an afternoon of a missing teenager? (An honest question; I don’t know the answer.) My understanding of missing persons is it required 24 hours of absence. Especially with the potential of a teenager “vanishing” to merely sneak away from her parents. I would’ve liked more info on Emily to know why she was targeted. Two roving reporters centering on an adolescent’s disappearance is overkill, no? Maybe in some remote Podunk, but in Vegas? Unless there’s more to Emily – celebrity kid? Wealthy folks? - than meets the eye.

Nit: 555.5555 really pulls the reader out of the illusion. No need to include an actual, fake number. “contact the LVPD.” The screen listed a dedicated number beneath the anchorman as he passed the story out to Frank Glenn.

If anything, I would’ve liked more pictures interspersed with the dialogue of the news broadcast. At some stage, it started feeling like a transcript instead of a story. (Study real news to find how clips are edited to include the minimum talk and maximum effect from the visual.)

Oh yeah, I liked Paige’s dismissive: “I think [Emily] is on the basketball team. Five foot one.” Nice.

Adara’s dream sequence is harsh and gripping. Would’ve liked a tiny bit of detail on “him,” besides the fact that he held a lance and wore a sash. If Adara is trying to track/catch/find/identify the killer, wouldn’t she focus on him? Again, with further knowledge about Emily, the Honor thy Father and Mother would have punched better.

Like another story, your hanger is open to any direction. I might’ve liked if Paige’s cries reached into the dream or some smoother transition. Then again, I might’ve enjoyed a cheesesteak to the salad I had for lunch. You did well.

Great start, good style, decent momentum, dark scene, fair leave. My vote: 3.5