The story so far:
I'm no geneologist, but I wonder whether there's American Indian blood somewhere in my heritage. How else to explain my uncanny inability to grow sideburns? Not that I want mutton chops, but considering how I'd prefer never shaving (I'm lazy and the cuts hurt), a full beard would save me a world of trouble. But when the hair atop my head doesn't connect with the hair beneath my chin... why bother? Sure, I could do a goatee, but that requires carfeful razor-sculpting; clean shaving is easier. Conversely, if I grow anything out, my cheek patches resemble the beard Cliff Claven grew. Mercy.
So it's no beard, no sideburns, and instead, the longer growing side-hairs occasionally flap their wings above my ears and make me look like I'm wearing a Mercurian helmet.