I am not a performance artist, so please stop taking pictures.  I can’t begin to think what kind of stories will sprout on-line about this.  I wish I could, though.  It would give my mind a clean break from this awful, soul-sucking, page-multiplying book. 

It looks like rain again tonight.  Last night was horrible, with strong gusts whipping white smiles and purple lips across my face.  Here he is in a top hat and tuxedo tails; another picture portrays him in a Hawaiian shirt and colorful leis.  Wish I had his costume designer.  Hell, I’d settle for a Goodwill wardrobe right now to cover my nuts in something better than chapter one zillion of this unending children’s novel! 

I tried reading it.  In fact, I was confident the conclusion was near, but it’s like reaching the end of the Internet.  What’s worse is this irresistible compulsion to talk about it with anyone who offers me help.  Don’t ask me what’s wrong!  I’m naked, cold, and covered in Barney!  Isn’t that sufficient?

I never realized how true it is that no good dead goes unpunished.  And yet, when one woman – I couldn’t tell you much about her besides her hands were neatly manicured – tried to take the book from me, I suddenly grew possessive.  Hugged the cover to my chest like it contained priceless family portraits.  Why she didn’t try looking at some of the other pictures?  Why couldn’t she overturn scuba-Barney or Barney the astronaut?  I’m sure she would have worshipped the purple dinosaur as much as I did if only she gave him proper opportunity for admiration.  But no!  One minute, one accidental growl on my part (hey, I’m hungry too!), and suddenly I’m too good to sit with?  I haven’t seen her since. 

Yep.  Rain.  I lie down sideways and like cheap papier-mâché, the illustrations prevent me from getting arrested for public indecent exposure.  Not that the cops pay me any attention.

That settles it.  Next person sits next to me, I’m going to become a dinosaur.  Though I’m hungry enough to chomp on them, I’ll be the lovable children’s idol.  I’ll love them, they’ll love me, and we’ll be a happy family.  Oh yes, yes we will.