Discussion of "Introduction to Arden and Emil" by mcpdude

I love the first sentence. But I am uncomfortable with the word 'niggling', yet I haven't a clue what it means. Excellent character description of our hero, Emil.

Neat! I like the narrator's voice and establishing the character was uniquely well done!

I really liked it too! A fun read. I do have one critique though, and it's a big one. You use a lot of superfluous language, almost to the point of being a bit purple.

"It is, of course, in this city that we find our hero, a rather unlikely man by the drab name Emil."

Could become

"It is in this city that we find our hero, an unlikely man by the drab name of Emil."

The words I removed don't add anything - except unneeded length and complication. You could even remove one of the adjectives remaining. Heaping adjectives upon a piece of writing can make it unwieldy, though in general I like your choices of which ones to use.

Looking forward to mashing with you. Keep 'em coming...

I know someone. Someone says the less adjectives the better! Jus the facts mam, in other words. I dig the subject matter, it's like I was reading something I haven't thought of yet. I am sympathetic to the homeless crowd, so I give it a 4, only because it was a tad short, and flowery...:) Did i mention I liked it tho....???

I can dig it. It grabbed my attention right off the bat. That's half the battle

I liked it as well. I like that way of narrating.

I think that is the best first line that I have read on Storymash.

I liked it also .. I was not sure I was going but the wording made me want to read more.

thank you all for your comments; i appreciate them all. the next two chapters are up, and comments are much appreciated.