Discussion of "" I think of her often."" by marissa

"Wow, I hope they find each other someday."

That's a summary. And a good one. But it is kind of a blog post explaining how you knew someone...if you want it to be a story, you have to put us into it. Broaden it out. Make us care. That can be slow to develop and a long process, but then it has the ability to speak on multiple levels, to people of different backgrounds and experiences. I'd be interested in seeing this story fleshed out so that i can feel, see, taste, touch the truth of it.

I don't see it as a summary. What I see it as, was, what could, or should have been, but never was. It shows that no matter where you are, time passes by quicker than you can blink and eye. It's sounds like it's from a man's perspective, or you might say, the man himself. I really dont know. To me, it sounds like deep heartache that just never goes away.

I don't disagree with your points here. What I was trying to say was that while there is a good foundation for a story (the deep heartache, the "time passes quicker than you can blink your eye") it isn't in an of itself an actual story. If I were in a creative writing workshop/class, that is the feedback I would give. I think it has a lot of potential, but is lacking in several areas of development.

I like, you could even write from her perspective now.

What areas do you think its lacking, i'm kind of curious to know. I thought it was written well, which is what I look for when reading someones writings. It just appears to me like you are criticizing. Your comments are somewhat critical. When I read someones writings, I comment about the story if it was well written. If it was not well written, I just cant give my point of view. I think there is alot of potential in this writing. Now if you could really read into it, why wouldnt it be an actual story?

What is wrong with critical comments, as long as they are designed/intended to help the person receiving them become better at telling their story? Is the point of the comments section only to say, "Well done!" or "I liked that." If so, I'll stop posting comments. That seems redundant and (for me) would be disingenuous.
What did I find lacking? Well, if I may be so bold as to actually say so, I found very little in the realm of "show, don't tell." Without looking back, what did the main character look like? What were some of the more descriptive words or passages?
There were no scenes, only incidents. There was no significant detail. There was conflict, sort of. But it didn't jump off of the page (monitor) and grab me, because it was told in a very Joe Friday, Just-the-facts method. There was not a single line of dialog. There was no setting, really, at least not any development of setting as such.
As I said in my first reaction: there was no feeling of being "in" the story, no attempt to describe or let us see what was really going on. A story told in this manner would see Moby Dick finished in about 4 pages.
What I also tried to say was that this piece could be very useful in developing a larger story...but that encouragement has been overlooked.

Writing is a privilege of the mind for those who possess the power to write. It shouldnt matter what you write as long as you write, and as long as there is nothing vulgar in it. The more that you write, the better you become. Constructive criticism is okay, if you're an editor, but if you're not, it's just an opinion.

It is just an opinion that I give. And, apparently, one not welcomed or wanted. Perhaps I misunderstand the reason for having comments here. Apologies to you if you were offended.

It is more like a testimony an episodic reflection of client notes taken by the clinician. Expand it, develop the characters more. Get more adjectives and verbs going as well as a bit more dialogue. Good start . . .

Be careful. You'll be called critical if you aren't.
:-)

Eric,

I am seriously not offended. I guess you don't write enough to pick up the point. Just because there was no dialogue in the beginning doesnt mean that there couldn't be any at all.

I do know how to write.

Hey, ericswyatt...you're welcome to read my work and critique the hell out of it! I'm serious. I write here for practice and for comments/ critique. I learn something from every comment, good, bad or indifferent. You are right in saying that that is the purpose of comments. It's just a shame that many, here on SM (not necessarily you, marissa) can't take the criticism. It's equally a shame that there is some fairly unbelievable and uniformed critics. Well...different strokes for different folks, right? Me? I like it.

Personally, I felt drawn into it. At least, into the conflict. Yea, there wasn't much detail, but I felt that merely made you imagine it more. Made you feel as if it were you, and someone you knew. Made it feel more personal. The lack of dialogue didn't really bother me at all. Writing doesn't require it. Plus, there were portions that were internal dialogue. The narrator justifying things to himself. So I thought it was an interesting piece.

The details at the beginning are overwhelming - a lot of locations and a lot of numbers (years). I started doing math in my head to keep track of what was when, but it wasn't necessary because overall, it didn't mean much. Pick the details that are needed for the story, leave the rest out of the narrative.

Be careful of run-on sentences. I saw a few places where a period could have been set instead of a comma. "That" tended to be in a lot of the run-ons. Try finding a different word, or re-working the sentence structure to give your piece better flow.

The mention of Mother at the end seemed out of place. I think, if she was so important, she should have been mentioned earlier.

Overall, I found it boring. There's potential for the characters. As is, this reads more as an outline than a story. It needs to be developed.