Discussion of "“The Unknown” Chapter 4: The Antiserum" by lickgoldsky

I think your entry is the first I've read to actually utilize the observatory pointed out in the last chapter. Nicely done. You've given Robert a role and turned Lockley into a nuanced FBI agent.
I was a little surprised that Mirabel stops asking Robert where he's been for 10 years after he reveals the research angle. I would think this would be bothering her considering she's asked him several times already. I was also a disappointed at where you chose to end the chapter. I think the big reveal behind the door should have been yours to make.
Overall, a good entry. Nice job!

Beware the tendency to unfold things very deliberately, even redundantly. Often, you provided extra words/phrases/sentences that covered what readers can safely infer. This was mostly apparent with your "as if" statements, of which there were seven. It became distracting. Be bold with your similes and metaphors! Delve unapologetically into the meat of your story! Skip "we were all deep in thought." "I gave Lockley a plain look in silence before exiting the car." "[Lockley] crossed his arms and stood in front of the stairwell entrance, as I sat before giving a nod to Robert to begin his explanation." Search out the interesting/quirky details and nuances and enlighten those to paint your scene.

As for the story - it's workable. I appreciate the observatory finally being recognized, even if it's merely a front for a secret underground lair/lab/residence. Interesting to see the mayor as a good guy, though I'm not sure I buy that.

If Robert was indeed in seclusion all these years, I'd like to see the toll. Obsessive madness, the fringes of chaos, as it were.

If the negative results were behind the door, why Lockley's smirk? It's a curious cliffhanger, and while I thoroughly respect your bounding out in a different direction, this particular resolution didn't feel natural. Admittedly, a chunk of that is the altered style from the first three chapters.

Maribel becomes an observer and learner rather than an instigator. Robert exposes/exposits his research. The Mayor reveals a protagonist/antagonist flip. For the lead in to the final chapter, I needed more.

(2)

I love where you’re going with the negative effect of the antiserum, I’m assuming, on the town’s children. Some things about the observatory bothered me. The silver dome, the parking spaces, it seems like a full blown research lab, which seems odd in a little town. It seems odd too that Ms. B wouldn’t have known about it. Oh, and was there a pad lock on the inside and the outside of the door? Maybe I’m daft, but I was confused there. There was unnecessary secrecy as well. Neither biochemistry nor therapeutic cloning are illegal, so why the secrecy? The strange ‘antiserum’? So just don’t mention the antiserum to the wife. Just struck me as over kill is all.

Most importantly, although I like the general direction, I think it meanders a little. Near the middle of Robert’s story he mentions cloning their daughter, but then drops it completely. Maribel is even more concerned about the antiserum than the prospect of her precious daughter possibly being a mindless clone. I don’t have kids, but if I did the story would stop there for me. I wouldn’t hear another word until I knew what he had done to my daughter? Period.

As far as continuing the story already in progress, like I said, I like the antiserum stuff, but it appears Ms. B’s life is no longer slated to end by Monday. That’s not a ball that can be dropped. It’s pivotal to the movement of the story and needs to be a constant thread. Overall, nice concept, but the execution is lacking.

These are the notes I took while reading your entry:
Excellent beginning. Maribel’s reaction was real and raw.
Punctuation goes inside the quotes in dialogue, and when a character speaks to another character, the name should be separated from the other words by commas. For instance, “Step out of the car if you would please, Maribel,” Lockley said… Also, don’t put a comma after an ellipsis. The ellipsis is punctuation on its own.
The ‘tag’ to indicate which character is speaking should go on the same line as the dialogue. For instance, ‘Robert continued on with his explanation’ should be on the same line as “The head of the institute told us to keep our mouths shut” instead of being at the end of the previous paragraph.
Some wording was awkward, like ‘offered me a proposition’ and ‘a wooden chair sitting aside the wall space’.
You mentioned her sudden movement delaying Robert from opening the wooden door – but you didn’t show her moving at all.
Maribel’s anger at Robert seemed to vanish a bit too quickly – she went from shouting at him to feeling that it was ‘awkward, but not so bad’ in the space of a car ride, before she even got an explanation.
The jump from ‘you know what happened’ to ‘you have always known my profession’ was a bit abrupt in the first paragraph of Robert’s explanation. It could’ve used a transition or some kind of break between the two.
“It was obvious he utilized small animals…” Why was this obvious? There was no description to indicate the presence of small animals in the laboratory.
Why did Robert immediately assume that Lockley was responsible for the deaths of the two biochemists?
This chapter was not carried very far in terms of story. You dealt with the past, but there was no mention of what’s going on right now – Jake’s mysterious threat, children swarming the streets, etc. How do the kids in town relate to all this?
The overall plot was very interesting. I loved the hidden, sparse workspace and the antiserum idea. And the cliffhanger frustrated me, but only because I really want to know what’s behind that door!
I gave it a 3.7.

There were some definite issues in redundancy. The one that popped out the most to me was “the sound of…”, which was repeated thrice within the space of half a page. Another was when she stood from the chair she’d been sitting on. And another when she could tell that Robert was telling the truth.
I had to cringe at the line “Do you remember “the day”, that horrible day?” Augh – how insensitive! I just can’t imagine a man asking his wife that about the day she thought she’d lost him and their child.
I liked the fact that you portrayed Lockley as an FBI agent as well – gives it an interesting twist. But when Lockley is described as having “disposed of the other biochemists because they were unable to stay quiet”, it made me think more along the lines of the mob than FBI. You might have been able to get away with CIA.
The children who have the negative reaction to the anti-serum an interesting ending, but maybe not one to fill a whole final chapter.