I resisted the thought of you for years, knowing that it would cost too much to have you constantly running through my mind.
I denied every accusation of affection, every stray imagination.
I walled off my heart to protect it from the pain of your assured rejection.
Until the bleak autumn day came when I could no longer control my thoughts. The abyss came creeping, murmuring, showing me the pains of my past, forcing me to spin in a sick retelling of my agony.
I had no salvation, no root to grab hold to. I felt the world slipping away as tears burned my face with rage and shame.
I gripped the one thing that was sacred, the one untouchable, forbidden feeling deep in my soul, the one thing that could deliver me hence from madness.
You’ll never know that I prayed aloud for your forgiveness, knowing what I was doing was selfish and uncaring towards you and your dear heart. I begged for your understanding, proclaiming aloud that you were the only thing that could save me from this horror.
I took without asking, but I took only what I needed.
I allowed myself to dream a dream that I had been denying for a decade. I gave myself permission to imagine.
Imagine a world where everything is the same, except for the self-evident truth that you love me, as I love you.
The dream filled me in my waking hours and soothed me through my slumber. The darkness abated, unable to grab hold of my soul when it was filled by such goodness.
And still I dream.
I promise you this, I do not mean to do this. I never mean to force you to choose and if your friend is all I shall ever be then that I will be to the best of my ability. But as your friend I feel compelled to tell you that you visit me every night.
Every night I see your face and dream of things I have no right to dream.
I wake with you being the first thought in my mind, too relaxed to stop it.
I would say I am haunted by your presence but the feeling is the exact opposite; I feel as though I am haunting yours.
The guilt I feel for using your visage to soothe my soul is aching. But the pain is not enough for me to stop.
Therefore, I beg your forgiveness, my dear friend.
I know what I desire is an impossible dream and that I should not trouble either of our hearts with my pain. The only thing that softens my guilt, that alleviates my shame, is a whisper.
A whisper that will destroy me
A whisper that lingers in my ear
What if… what if you loved me too?
I banish the thought, because how could you?
And yet it lingers
So, I make one request of you and, in return, I swear to be the truest friend you have, never forsaking you or allowing anyone else to do so.
If you hear a whisper in the night
And have a feeling for me that you can no longer fight
I beg you,
Whisper it to me, with all delight