'My conversations with God'

My conversations with God by laurendobbs

I just finished reading Conversations with God (amazing) and I decided to post my own conversations. It may seem odd to think about a normal person communicating with the All-mighty but I guarantee that I would never have thought about the things written here unless I was touched with some divine power. Maybe it’s just the other side of my mind that I don’t listen to often but it was definitely powerful. “My” words are regular and the other side of the conversation is in italics.

I want to scream. I want to weep but I don’t know why.

Rage.

What if I never get any better?

What if I’m stuck in this hell forever, constantly dodging questions about my job and my life?

Isn’t pain beautiful? That you can feel so much that it bursts out of you?

The overwhelming feeling that I know nothing. The need to scream and bite and yell because I can’t get anything done. I can’t decide on a path for my life because they all frighten me. I’m living out of fear and I have been for so long. I’m so scared. Scared of being abandoned, hurt, lose my mind, homeless, useless, I’m just **** scared! I can’t breathe, I can’t think for the fear! I keep running, isolating, because I’m unable to answer anything.

I’m living in fear; the exact opposite of godliness.

I haven’t made a decision out of love in a long time. If ever.

What do I love?

Be love, do love, create love, speak love, act out love

I can list talents all day but I have no desires, no passions. All of my decisions are made out of fear. If I don’t get a job I will be homeless and starve.

Everything is a defense.

I have no drive. Just enough to avoid pain.

But the pain is beautiful…

Yes. I’m alive.

The cold salty tears washing down my red-hot face, dripping onto cream paper… it is beautiful.

The pain my mother feels is beautiful. She can FEEL it. She can feel life struggling to continue.

… Pain is LIFE struggling to continue its fighting.

What do you love?

Words.

Stories.

People

God Damn Lauren! You’re, no, YOU ARE A WRITER! Why are you so scared to be Who You Are? Do you think you could fail? Why do you fear rejection? If someone doesn’t want you for who you are then isn’t it a blessing to know that? Why should you hide Who You Are from the world because someone might hurt you? Hurt is beautiful! It means you care, that you love. Now, allowing others to hurt you isn’t okay but why hide on the CHANCE they might hurt you?

There’s been so much pain. And fear. And rejection.

You HAVE to be Who You Are.

How will I live?

How will you live with yourself if you don’t do this?

But where will I sleep? How will I eat?

It will be taken care of. Your mind was designed for this alone. Every bad dream, every tear shed has come together to create a well of stories that can NEVER go dry. Any time you have writer’s block it’s just your fear choking you. Anytime the pen won’t move it’s your fear stopping it. For the love of God, you ARE a writer. You’re not anything else. And anything else you attempt to be will fail. Write for the love of writing and the world will read. Stop worrying about money and it will appear. Submit EVERYTHING you love.

Write from love. Holy ****…

Peace; tingly, smiley peace.

When you’re ready, you will move mountains. You will bring light to the world. There will be nothing that holds you back. But you are just entering a new world, or remembering it anyway. You learn and evolve very quickly. You accept and change in an instant. When you are ready to stop certain things and begin others you will.

I don’t want to disappoint anyone or waste any time.

What do you care if you disappoint someone if you sure your actions are out of love? And you have ALL of time to figure this out. You cannot fail. Turn the pressure off and start listening, instead of reacting. My child, you’ve been plagued with fear for a long time. You still are very frightened in some ways. To use one of your own quotations, “Be nice to yourself.” Don’t just sit on your **** but take some time to soak everything up. Relax! You can’t **** up, remember?

Okay. Thank you.

For?

For healing. For a purpose. For who I am and for me remembering it. For making me debt-free and for taking care of my financial woes. For showing me the path to get whatever I desire (You know what I mean). For preparing my heart and soul for what is to come. For love.

You’re welcome. There is more where that came from. Do not be afraid to gorge at this buffet of life, my daughter. You cannot fill up on life and you cannot fill up on love. You cannot fail. When you are ready entire worlds will open up to you.

I’m ready to be a writer. Everything else will follow for now.

Okay then.

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