Discussion of ""Circle" Kay Malone" by ladyvike15

Ok, I don't think that this story did my work justice. But hey I tried! Good lick with the next chapters guys. Feel free to rank me on this and tell me what I could've done better.

Vike –

Pardon me for a moment while I put on my big bad Nash costume. It helps the drivel ooze.

What did you add to the story? Circle Kay has no back story, no motive, and minimal mindset. Each of the previous chapters delved into their characters. Jonas, Lacey, and Todd each have unique thought processes, histories, and reasons for progressing through their ridiculous circumstances. Vegas is seedy, operates on its own rules. Perfect setting for a corrupt priest, a lightweight ditz, and a manwhore who’s trying to advance in a less-than-lawful syndicate. I’m not sure why Circle is in this mess beyond his father’s instruction. Does Circle enjoy his job? Does he have aspirations for something bigger? Off the old man and take over? Make enough to go to some South American country and smoke reefer in a cabana for the rest of his days? Fully recognize his photography talent and become the next Mapplethorpe? Financially support his daughter who still lives with her addict mom?

Who is he? You’ll notice the length invested in each of the other chapters – use that time and space to establish Circle Kay. Give me personality, influence, depth.

If that’s not enough:

- Streakers don’t get on the news. Airtime [theoretically] encourages them, which is why cameras always cut away to something inane when a nudie sprints across a sporting event. If you want something spread across the news, scandals are good. Worse: “The news would be more widespread than Jenna Jameson.”

- You’re neither the first nor last to do this, but when characters get nicknames, that’s what they go by. He may go by Circle Kay, he may go by Circle, but if the effort is made to give him a nickname, it’s nice to use it. My name is James. I go by Jim. No one besides my older sister calls me James. (Plus, everyone on the StoryMash - now.)

- You tell. Don’t tell. Show. “His mother only died a year ago, and now he was screwing around. But that was the way of the crew.” Credit for conciseness, but it could be set up for so much more. If it’s a father/son relationship (as Dog established), show me Circle’s perspective of it. “They burst through the doors of the chapel, shooting off their guns to get attention of the people inside.” Of course they got the attention of the people inside. Shooting guns has that tendency. Show me his sudden surge of power and entitlement, the squelched reluctance, or the released anger toward something else he’d previously suppressed. Show.

- Proof. Even in your comment: "Good lick..." (Don't get me wrong; who doesn't love a good lick?)

Overall, be courageous and bold. Don’t apologize for your work, even if it merits one. Do your best to match or exceed the level set before you. This chapter feels like a commercial teaser, and I’m not sure the director caught the best parts.

Circle is a throwaway character at this stage. If he dies, there was no reason for readers to be attached. I don’t like him or hate him; I’ve little reason to care.

Reread Hebe’s and Dog’s characters to pick up on how they created their own world while retelling the story. Check out some of synapto’s stuff, as he’s gone that direction with a few chapters too. It’s not easy maintaining interest while going over the same retread, but the scene sets up five distinct characters.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go kick a helpless dog.

-- Nash

Touched, Nash. I do stuff like what you said?

I'll have to echo Nash's comments. The project "terms" state that we'll see the lives of the "players" for the week prior and up to (or into) the scene set in Honey's intro. So, for Lacey, I tried to give a valid reason for a girl to up and get married to someone she doesn't even know. Hell, I even got his name wrong most of the time! Drunk on vodka wasn't a valid enough excuse for me - but being on the rebound and desperate to be married was (status symbol).

I had most of my chapter written prior to the Priest's submission - once that went up, I was able to work some of his story into mine.

We all miss ideas and explore others. On a rewrite, I would like to explore the flirting. I think this really deserves a re-write.

I'd also like to know how Nash manages to get the extra line break in his comments...

[space] [enter]

sweet

really - it's that simple, eh?

I wasn't on my A game last night.... I think I'll go rewrite it so that it makes more sense.

Julia, don't get down on yourself!
Grrr@Nash, don't be so hard on my little grasshoper!
Listen here chic, you rushed it. Plain and simple. Now move on! Think about it, dream about it....whatever it takes. If you are going to be typing in Word, atleast make sure it's about 4 or 5 pages. It translates over to MASH as a good length. E-mail me if you want me to proof it for you, you know I'd be more than happy.
Stop trying to makk everyone else happy and do this for yourself. This could be the best thing yet for you; I know you have it in you. You just have to find it, blow some dust of it, and write your heart out.
Most importantly............SLOW DOWN FAST FINGERS!

Haha thanks Dkk! Hey when are we going to continue *Mud and Souls*?

Oh I dunno. I'm working on it, although I've got several things going on. I'll get the next part posted soon, then I'll e-mail you and we'll talk.