Discussion of "Betrayal In So Many Ways...(Rewrite)" by ladyvike15

Sorry about the whole thing beging ran together... I thought it spaced it, but apparently it didn't. Leave a comment and a vote please!

Hey if you have cable you should check out the 'Gangland' series on the History Channel. The reason I say that is becasue I like this, I think you have a really great concept. But I'm not buying that these kids are in a gang. I don't always agree with the 'write what you know' rule, but in this case I think it might apply. I don't want you to take that the wrong way. I grew up in Salt Lake City, Utah in a mormon family. If I tried to write a gang story I'd never pull it off. I just don't have any experience with that lifestyle. If I wrote a story about a mormon kid getting pregnant and having trouble with her parents and the church it'd be a much better story. That's more what I meant when I told you to really think about what the Brotherhood is.

To really involve the reader in the story you need characters that represent the gang lifestyle in dialogue and action. In your story above there's no slang, no cursing, no guns, it's pretty tame and I'm just not believing it. Don't tell me they're all in a gang with exposition. Show me they are in a gang with words and actions. Show me what they're wearing. Does this gang have colors, tattoos, etc. Gang life is usually pretty rich in symbolism and unique language, gimme some a that. And if you can't (I couldn't, believe me), take the story somewhere you know. Life around you contains more drama than you probably realize.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way. I think you really have talent and I applaud you for tackling such a tough subject. There is just sooo much more to a story than plot and accepting that into your writing will help you improve:)

-Honey

Ok, so I understand that, but my thing is is that I want that developed from that little thing you and I discussed. This was to show the mild side of Eric before we got down to the dark and terrifying part of the gang. Please just email me so we can discuss this further.