Discussion of "Sex and Magic - Chapter 1: Mixali" by katica_locke

I really enjoyed this. Nice descriptive details and excellent writing. And I felt connected to your character immediately. Nice work. Hope to see more.

Thanks for the comment. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

This is good. A perfect descriptive balanace.

Thank you, and thanks for the comment.

I really enjoyed your narration, it felt natural and real, like something I might read in a published book of a similar genre. However, I felt the dialogue near the end was unnatural. So much so that it pulled me out of the story completely.

"I got two of them," the human replied. "A pair of geldings. Took them from a couple of highwaymen. They tried to rob me, so I killed them and took their possessions.

I wouldn't presume to rewrite it for you, but it needs attention. I'm only suggesting it because I liked the story so much that I respected you, the author, enough to provide a valuable third person perspective. Hope it was helpful.

Thank you very much for your comment. It's very helpful, and now that you point it out, I can see how choppy it sounds. I will make a note to edit it when I get a chance, and I'll keep an eye on the dialogue in the future.

Thanks again!