Kate Schievink

Upside Down

 

INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY

 

John sits at table. Waitress walks up to him.

 

WAITRESS

Hello, what would you like?

 

JOHN

A hot cup of Joe and bacon and eggs please.

 

WAITRESS

Pardon me, but we don’t serve human here…

 

JOHN

(Chuckles). Wow, you are a funny one. I guess I’ll have to settle for coffee then.

 

LATER

 

Waitress places coffee, fork, knife, spoon and napkin on table.

 

JOHN

I have to use utensils here? What kind of place is this, the Ritz?

 

WAITRESS

What?

 

Waitress leaves.

 

LATER

 

Waitress places plate on table.

 

WAITRESS

Can I get you anything else?

 

JOHN

A million bucks would do.

 

WAITRESS

I don’t have a million dollars. And if I did, why would I give it to you?

 

JOHN

Why? Well it’s because I’m your favourite customer and you have been fortunate enough to be blessed with my company this fine morning. (chuckles to himself)

 

Waitress backs away.

 

KITCHEN

 

Waitress and cook standing by stove top.

 

WAITRESS

You see that man out there?

 

Waitress points to John.

 

COOK

Yah, what about him?

 

WAITRESS

He’s insane! First he asked me to bring him a cup of Joe. Doesn’t he know that serving human meat at a restaurant is illegal?

 

COOK

Weird.(Pause). Maybe Joe is a kind of pop or juice or something.

 

WAITRESS

Then he flipped when I gave him utensils. And then he asked me to give him a million dollars. What kind of whacko is this guy? We’ve had some pretty weird customers come in, but none like this one.

 

INT. GROCERY STORE – CHECKOUT

 

John is buying groceries at checkout.

 

CASHIER

How are you doing, Sir?

 

JOHN

Can’t complain, no one listens anyway.

 

CASHIER

Oh… don’t say that. I’m sure lots of people want to hear how you’re doing. Your total comes to 72 dollars and 67 cents.

 

JOHN

What do you think I am? Made of money?

 

CASHIER

No? (pause) You’re made of cells.

 

 

EXT. GAS STATION - DAY

 

John is pumping gas into his car. Stranger pulls and starts to pump gas, near John.

 

JOHN

Man, oh, man. I’m just lovin’ the price of gas these days. Two dollars a litre - practically a steal!

 

STRANGER

Really? I think the price of gas is way too high. I guess it could be worse though.

 

JOHN

Very true but I’ve been strapped for cash lately.

 

STRANGER

Oh my goodness! That sounds terrible!

 

Stranger pays for gas and drives away. John still pumping gas with a slightly confused expression on his face.

 

INT. JOHN’S HOUSE – ENTRYWAY

 

John welcomes his friends into his house to watch a football game.

 

JOHN

Hey there, come inside. I’ve got the game on high def, it’s ready to go.

 

JIM

Sounds great. How are you, John?

 

JOHN

Not so good, now that I’ve seen you.

 

GEORGE

That wasn’t very nice John, I think you should apologize to Jim.

 

JOHN

Haha, you guys are funny. Now, let’s go watch the game. I can tell that it’s going to be a good one, there are butterflies in my stomach.

 

JIM

Oh my goodness! John, you should really get that checked out. That isn’t healthy!

 

JOHN

Good God Jim, you’re a funny one today, ain’t yah? (Chuckles)

 

 

John leads the men to the living room. They sit down and begin to watch the game.

 

 

JOHN

I’ll be right back, I’m just going to get some cold brews and grub.

 

 

John leaves room. Jim and George turn to each other.

 

 

GEORGE

Jim, are you okay? That was awfully mean what John said to you.

 

JIM

Yah. (pause) I don’t know what I did to him to make him say that.

 

GEORGE

It’s not you, it’s him. All of the sudden, he’s been acting weird today. For example, what the heck is a brew? And since when has John liked to eat worms and 

caterpillars?

 

KITCHEN

 

John peers inside fridge.

 

JOHN

(Quietly) What’s up with everyone lately?

 

 

LIVING ROOM

 

John returns and places beer bottles and food on table. He sits down.

 

JOHN

Boys, wet your whistles!

 

 

George and Jim look at each other. Mouth the word: weird.

 

 

LATER 

JOHN

They’re playing like a bunch of girls out there! Dollars for doughnuts; a win just ain’t in the cards today, boys.

 

JIM

How do cards and doughnuts have anything to do with football?

 

 

LATER

 

Game is over, boys clearly concerned about John.

 

 

GEORGE

John, we need to talk to you. (deep breath) You seem… well… kind of out of it today. Are you alright?

 

JOHN

No, I’m half left. (Laughs hysterically)

 

 

 

 

 

THE END