Discussion of "Thou Shalt Not Kill (3) "And he shall be called by many names"" by jkaysmile

Thought this was a really great addition. I really wanted you to go further with it, but you set it up really well for the next writer. What's up with the Franco______ ????

Oops! I meant to put in his last name there (was going to be Salvatore) but I must have published it before I did it. Thanks.

I liked it, but it bore some striking similarities to my own addition. I'm the last person to accuse anyone of copying because the same thing happened with me and another writer, though I had written mine before ever reading his even though his was posted first. I think it's interestingly eerie to mention the unique cross necklace. Is Franco the maniac????!!! Who knows! Good job!

Franco, possibly the killer? It could work, but with this being the 3rd chapter addition it may be to rushed and to early for the storyline though.
Nicely written nevertheless! I enjoyed it...

“Hi I’m Adara Davis.”

I suspect the doctor is trying to remain calm so as not to create undue stress for the entire school. If that’s the case, some preset clue would have been helpful. She appears to have dismissed any premonition she felt and lost all sense of urgency. If she wasn’t worried, would she have cancelled her appointments and gone to the school? If the rationalizing process occurred, some indication of that time (during the drive?) would clear matters.

Nits:

Adara wouldn’t have corrected the secretary with “Ms.” She’d have said “Dr.”

If Paige’s dad died ten years ago, was she still shedding tears daily? (Inference drawn from the last paragraph concerning Franco picking her up.)

If they’re from Vegas, there’s little chance of altitude sickness at the Grand Canyon . Vertigo, maybe.

Franco _______? Be bold! Take ownership! Give him a last name! Make the story yours!

At one point, you referred to Paige as “Faith.” If that’s a nickname, reuse it or justify it. Read like an oops.

Recognizing the fact that those are small, I found your story a pleasant read. I’m so thankful someone finally sustained the past verb tense, I’m giving you an extra half point! I liked the panic moment when Dr. Davis discovers Paige’s dad picked her up. I liked the established relationships between daughter, mom, and Franco... stepdad? Good guy? Nice touch with the ice cream. I especially liked the potential connection with Franco’s cross. Subtle, yet the only potential lead/tie-in with the killer I found. (I’m also confused by the title, but I think I can justify it: Franco, “dad,” murderer...)

What bugged me was the lack of intensity. Perse’s chapter was relentless. Mine lightened up somewhat, but I tried to maintain the tone. Yours didn’t shock me or slap me upside the head. Felt separate. It was, as I said, a pleasant read.

My vote: 2.5

I didn't feel quite the intensity in this one as some of the others, past and present. I think that you set up a good scenario with the blended family dynamics. However, if this chapter is picked to win, then we have gone 2 whole chapters without disclosing any further murders...which will make it hard for future authors to catch up on.

Thanks for the heads up to expressionarchitect. I haven't read your story yet, and made it a point not to read any of the third additions so as not to get distracted from what I was writing, I will be sure to check yours out now though. Quite interesting how stricking similarities can occur in writing, but I suppose I'd rather just skip writing this story overall than copy off of anyone elses. I appreciate you keen observations, best of luck to your piece. And thanks to everyone who took the time to look this over and leave a comment, I'm looking forward to reading and writing more.

Thanks for the heads up to expressionarchitect. I haven't read your story yet, and made it a point not to read any of the third additions so as not to get distracted from what I was writing, I will be sure to check yours out now though. Quite interesting how stricking similarities can occur in writing, but I suppose I'd rather just skip writing this story overall than copy off of anyone elses. I appreciate you keen observations, best of luck to your piece. And thanks to everyone who took the time to look this over and leave a comment, I'm looking forward to reading and writing more.