Discussion of "The Unknown 4: Field of vision" by jerryw1812

Welcome to Storymash, jerryw1812!
I liked some of what you did here, but the entry felt a little short on moving the plot. At the beginning, they have her. At the end, she has them. But what next? This is the penultimate chapter of the story, and we really needed to find out what the heck was going on with the children here, so the last chapter can focus on the resolution. Also, I believe the husband's name was Robert, not Richard. You'll get hammered by the judges on details like that.
Overall, a good effort.

Thank you for your comment. I was a bit rushed. Your are correct, it is Richard, I even know that as I type this. Robert apparently wanted to jump in and play. He will punished for that. I wasn't real sure how far I should take it, not being familiar with the entire process just yet, so I erred on the side of caution. I thought that someone else would bang out the big finale as part of exposing what was going on. I can now see that I was short-sighted in that respect. Live and learn. I am looking forward to working with everybody on additional projects. Thanks again and...(ahem) WHOOO HOOOOOO!

Admired the style. Disconcerted about the substance. While Marabel might be a [consistent] typo, Richard is a stretch.

"You know what you want to know." Fantastic statement of Robert's character. Wish I wrote it.

Great, catchy dialog and explanation. Style will carry you far. Unfortunately, this was a Fun Size candy bar. Hardly enough for a tease. Tastes like it should, but damn! It's gone already?

Disappointed it didn't provoke the storyline much further, and I'm not any surer where Robert and Hiram stand. For it's location in the plot, it needed more answers and lead-ups. Integrate more, keep your flavor, and you're in the mix.

Short critique? Yep. Short chapter.

(2.5)

You know for the most part I really liked this. I thought you captured Maribel’s voice well. Everything she thought and said sounded right. The exchange between Maribel and Richard lacked chemistry though. She had been missing him all these years and there wasn’t any sort of longing to believe him or to be with him again. I got hung up on the plot a little too, he said the crash was NOT deliberate, but how did he escape and why did he have to? And then in the end you wrote, “I pulled the trigger.” But Richard didn’t get shot, I’m assuming you meant, “I pulled at the trigger”? Or maybe she shot over his head or something? Clarity is really important, especially when guns are involved;). The main thing that holds me back from giving this a high score is that it didn’t take us anywhere. This is the second to last chapter and we still don’t have even a hint of what is going on with the children. Over all though, I thought you did a really good job.

These are the notes I took as I read your entry:
Commas and semicolons in the first paragraph – the semicolons should’ve all been commas, and the comma in the second to last sentence after ‘I think it hurt me more than him’ should be a semicolon. Other punctuation issues: when a character asks a question, a question mark goes inside the quotes, and a period goes at the end of the sentence (“How long?” I asked.). When one character speaks to another character, use a comma to separate the name (“C’mon, Maribel.”).
Her name is spelled ‘Maribel’. The husband’s name is Robert, not Richard.
I liked a lot of the wording in the first paragraph (things like the very first sentence, and her free hand whipping across Robert’s face).
In the bit after Robert told Maribel that Wilkes wasn’t coming, Maribel ‘gets it’ right then and there – but I’m left hanging a bit. What did she get? Is Robert working for Wilkes? If that’s the case, why did Wilkes want to keep them apart? What clue did she see that she’s feeling stupid for missing?
Her disarming of Lockley was quite gracefully done – you did a good job keeping Maribel as a strong character. The description of her attack was much more drawn out than other descriptions in your piece, which, in honesty, felt somewhat unnecessary.
I got a bit of a start when she pulled the trigger, since your last description had the gun pointed straight at Robert. I had to read it a couple of times before I realized that she must have shot past him, or above him, or something else just to scare him.
I really liked how Robert got on Hiram’s case for using the gun, which was a great touch. You kept the characters consistent (I loved the line about her pleasure at seeing Hiram’s smile falter), and moved the story forward – but not very far. All that really happened was that Maribel came to terms with Robert’s reappearance. For the second to last chapter of the story, it just wasn’t far enough.
I gave it a 2.8.

Two huge issues right off the bat – “My children were still dead…” In the chapters so far, we have learned about her pain at losing her daughter and her husband. We’ve learned the name of her daughter and her husband. While it is possible for her to have a child that she doesn’t care enough to think about, grieve for, and name within the first three chapters, it is highly unlikely.
And her husband’s name is Robert, not Richard.

Frankly, I was shocked at the level of mind reading. At least that’s how I saw it – It just seemed like too many leaps, and not enough communication. I was starting to copy the areas that bugged me the most, but a huge bulk of the chapter is written this way.

I did think that the writing was excellent. There is great intensity and emotion. I enjoyed the line, “Truth be told, I think it hurt me more than him, my hand stung from the blow.” I also really liked her dispatch of Hiram. I also liked her shooting (at?) her husband, though it did leave some questions about her aim and intentions.

It was really short – I really would like to read more. If this chapter were on it’s own, I would have rated it much higher. Welcome, and I look forward to reading more from you!