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Discussion of "What's The Matter With You(Part1)" by jellybean_23

1 JoshJoshJosh 8 years, 6 months ago Reply

Couldn't make it past the first two paragraphs. Sorry. Really. But, you should write something good next time. I would really appreciate it.

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1 bcchrestians 8 years, 6 months ago Reply

Ok. English is either not your first language or you were trying to attempting the creation of a new narative perspective. Him, her? instead of He and she. there was too much pronoun whoring for me to understand the first paragraph. The beginning is the most important part and If my head hurts after the first sentence then the rest of the story is doomed to not even get read.

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1 theblackhand 8 years, 6 months ago Reply

A word of advice....I see that you have multiple stories posted and in my opinion that will deter readers. It has had that effect on me. You need to be subtle....like a drug dealer who gives the first hit for free, then he makes the addicts keep coming back, and back, and back. Your giving way to much of yourself to fast and people will eventually begin to get pissed and skip over you.

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