Discussion of "Battlefield Never, again." by jakestar

Yes, the parts people suggested.

Lots of description here. Very intricate, and obviously you see this all well in your mind's eye as you write it.

It is a bit heavily worded, for me. There isn't much to break up all of the narrative. That is a personal preference, but something that tends to make me feel like I'm "forcing" myself to read. There is a definite feeling of "otherworldliness" to this though, which is good.

One suggestion...
You write:
Time stood still, everything slowed in that state of awareness, he became one with not only his weapon, but his mark. He called to the target, willing it to his bullet. He breathed out emptying his lungs, took one last assessment and squeezed the trigger.

In a paragraph like this, there is no reason to say "time stood still". You are doing a good job of describing/showing that, without saying it. It is a redundant use, and un needed.

Great advice, and you're right. The more I write the more I'm getting a hang of how the "flow" should go.

That's the point of writing and critiquing...it is a process of fine-tuning the craft. It is hard work, and takes time, to do it well.

Keep at it!

woohoo! loved this! It's written in an epic style kind of a cross between tolkien and Homer. Me and my friend were talking about writing something like this, but now that's already on here, we can just mash this. I really liked it. In fact, if anything, you should put even more embellishment in it. Go for broke. And throw in some more history, tolkien-style. Jardak, son of Anduin, son of Mirthmaw, son of... well anyways, keep it going.

Wow thanks bro, I am writing a book actually this is a shorter version of a later chapter. I've pre written a few integral sequences because it was easier to develop and more enjoyable to write.