I've been known to make New Year's resolutions in mid-May. Once, even in December. I make them all the time. Even kept some of them. Most of them, actually, because I'm very careful to craft resolutions that won't be impossible and will be truly beneficial to stick to. That's how I started to sing, and that's how I started to treat myself to a few new pair of really nice socks every winter -- without waiting for threadbare patches and holes before chucking the old ones. I do, however, still smoke.
But this one, (dreamed up in late June, as I recall), has proved thus far elusive.
I had decided, upon running into an old crush after 20 years or so, not once, but twice in a single month, to have an affair. Not with him necessarily, but with someone. Just decided to open myself up to it finally. Not to seek it actively, just to be open to the possibility. I'll say it again -- I never make them impossible.
After 13 years in a marriage that is, to coin a phrase I hate to use, loveless, and thinking myself simply resigned to it, what with the kids and the house and all, I just decided that maybe I'd like to feel those half-remembered rushes of emotion again, at least once before I die. Started thinking the old thoughts again: You only live once, ought to make it happy, that sort of thing.
For months after I made this decision, I'd find myself looking in the mirror and thinking maybe I wasn't so bad looking for 42 years old. I could do something with my hair, maybe, or change my makeup. After all, I could still fit easily into the same clothes I'd worn in high school. How many could say that?
But here it is February, and still not a prospect in sight. Not even that old crush who unwittingly started this whole thing. I've since discovered that he's twice divorced and has a girlfriend anyway.
I've even made some attempt to expand the circles I travel in. Started those Irish drum lessons and take the train into the city now and then for a sci fi book club. But still not even a single flirtatious moment in all this time. Nothing. And things at home and in my thoughts aren't getting any better. Something has to change. Maybe even the resolution itself.