I like the idea of giving Jimmy a reason for his rage, but I just didn't buy that he would become that evil from an unrequited childhood love. Maybe if Adara turned on him, too, or if her date did, etc. It didn't feel quite believable that he would turn that quickly. I also felt surprised that everything would end so easily once he found Adara to still be kind. It was like this huge conflict got resolved too simply and we are left wanting more...

I think you have some of the strongest writing I've seen so far in this contest — you sound professional, have a good sense of pacing and action and know how to keep suspense going, while at the same time making it seem realistic, even given the surrealism of these chapters. I very much appreciated the humanizing of Jimmy and also the fleshing out of Adara through her childhood vignettes. However, I wondered about why Franco would be able to block Adara's memory of the fire and not Paige's of killing the man with the razor? And, I think someone else pointed this out, too, but I'm pretty sure Jimmy never killed anyone with his own hands, so that part didn't quite ring true (tho it definitely makes sense). I'd love to see more of your writing — keep up the fantastic work!

I applaud your efforts at having the story told from one point of view (vs. alternating between first and third, as mostly every chapter does) — I think I have advocated that from the beginning! There are some strong moments with very vivid imagery here, too. I was put off by some of the overly explanatory text (which is meant more for the reader than the story itself, e.g., when Methra is catching up Adara on what took place) and there are a few parts that happened too quickly and are just too jarring (like when the sheriff is killed) — watch your transitions there...

Think my biggest problem, or maybe more accurately, question with your chapter is why Jimmy finally has to get out of jail now. It just called attention to the fact that he could have done this all along — and frankly, I wonder why he didn't. You had some clever scenes and your writing is strong, but there are times when the jokey nature of some of the dialogue and the restaurant scene were distracting and even off putting. Overall, I think it's solid work, though.

You have a real visceral feel to your writing and there are several mini-moments that continue to chill me long after reading — and you make the reader feel the fear of your characters, which can be quite difficult sometimes if one has to be concerned about plot as much as you do here. The only thing I would caution against is too much deflection from the current action (e.g., I didn't believe that Jimmy would just take a break from his mind games to focus on Roo and Spidey, which of course, we understand later will become very important...it felt a little like the easy way out.) But overall, nice work.

I thought you had some strong moments in here and did a nice job of bringing a lot of things to conclusion (esp. loved the part of Dr. Lipscomb telling everything about his patients) but the main part, for me, remained unresolved: why Franco had to wait so long to help Adara. I think you try to explain that by saying HE doesn't even know, but somehow I didn't quite buy that. I wanted something more concrete here in this final chapter. But I do think you have a good sense of pacing and suspense in your writing...

Think you did a nice job of tying up a LOT of loose ends, while still keeping the suspense going. And I personally am all for endings that don't tie EVERYTHING up, so I like how it ends a lot. Good work.

This chapter is very well done — nice work! I really like the interplay of Jimmy and Charlie...and it better explains how Jimmy knows Adara and why he is so intent on "using" her. However, I found it slightly hard to believe that Adara wouldn't have summoned her full force of power to help find her daughter before this, and why Franco suddenly was able to see what was going on with Adara.

This is a very chilling chapter and, for the most part, well written. There are a couple things I wonder about, tho...if how did Dr. Lipscomb meet Jimmy initially? What was their connection? And if JImmy has such phenomenal powers, as he has had the whole time, I don't understand why he couldn't have freed himself — why is Adara needed? One other quick thing — the Methra turn around happens too quickly (a bit jarring).

There's a lot of suspense in your chapter and it definitely propelled me to keep reading. The addition of Charlie being controlled by Jimmy who has always loved Adara was very interesting. I did have to wonder, tho, if Charlie was ALWAYS controlled by Jimmy (and therefore Adara never had any real feelings for him b/c he treated her so heinously from way back when) and if not, WHY did Jimmy start controlling him? (e.g., how did Jimmy know Adara? Just from their psychic powers? And how did Charlie know Adara, and consequently, how did Jimmy know Charlie?) Also, the end was slightly confusing b/c it seems to imply that Charlie/Jimmy is still more powerful than Adara and I wasn't sure if we were to glean that Adara was able to summon Franco, or if that was somehow the work of Methra? Just some of the questions I had while reading, but overall nice job.