Discussion of "The Unknown:Chapter 2 'Charged'" by hi_skoolwritr

You're taking it on an interesting road here - voodoo and whatnot! It's a fun idea, and I like your descriptions, especially when she's in the school. It did feel a bit rushed, however. I give it a 3.5 - good luck!

I like the idea of voodoo and most of your narrative paragraphs were descriptive and well done. Overall, however, the writing was disjointed; skipping from a truck noise to Jake's sudden departure to grading papers, finding the note, going to the school at night, Pete "already" being there (indicates next morning), all without connecting explanation. As Aggeloi mentioned, it felt a bit rushed. Indeed, I imagine you had this storyline running through your head and typing the "dots" as quickly as you could, so as not to lose them. I do that myself, a lot. What you forgot to do, however, was to connect those "dots". Good imagination, several very good narrative paragraphs...spend more time on plot development. My vote: 2.5

i thought pete was the night janitor.

This could actually happen . I mean, anything can happen but you portrayed a very interesting phenomenon in a tangible way . Not just some boring goodie vs baddy yarn . 4 . My favorite so far .

Cheers .

I like the direction too. I'm a Kafka fanatic and I love the fact that she is being charged with a vague law and has to appear before the court.

The only part that rang 'false' for me was the thoughts about her sergeant and the officers. That didn't seem to fit well with the earlier "I'm alone feeling" that chapter one portrayed.

3.5 and I am already thinking about a Kafka-esqe "Trial" if you win. Heh, maybe even if you don't. Good job.

I liked the chill you brought into play in the way the people of the town were trying to avoid her. Other than that, it was a hard story to believe. From the "Was this child delusional?" (I would think a teacher would be more prone to assuming it was an overactive imagination!) to the walk home with all the front lights off.
"Rachel Baker" was the name she had written down from a tombstone - it wasn't her name.
I do hope you will keep practicing - you have a good imagination. 2

The start is sort of shaky. I liked the paranoia, but it felt a little over-done when she expressed her anxiety over and over again. You get the point across easily using the other elements in your writing.

I'm not sure why religion is entered as a driving force... Religion is one of those topics which will narrow your audience.