I guess deep down I never really believed in love. I didn’t know if I didn’t want to believe in it or if I was simply afraid. I had seen one too many people hurt by the false hope in fairy tales and ever after, I wasn’t going to be one of them.  That said; don’t think of me as some cold hearted, bitter and jaded villain. I love deeply and often, I even tried falling in love, came close. Then I met him. It was high school, softmore year, I didn’t know it then, but I would fall in love with that boy. This isn’t a fairy tale though, there is no happy ending, but this is a story about love.

We met in history class; he was a familiar face but not someone who was usually around my group of friends. As with all high schools, you had your groups, I belonged in the clicky group with the popular girls and him; well he could care less to belong to a group. He was too cool for that.  He wasn’t my usual type but I couldn’t help but notice the way he looked at me. He looked past me, into me and I could feel it. I didn’t know what to make of that but it drew me to him. As the year went on, we grew closer.  I could tell he liked me and I loved to coyly flirt back, but I always kept my guard up. I didn’t date guys like him and something about him would change me if I let it. So as always I kept one foot in and one foot out but secretly I couldn’t wait to see him when I walked into the room. We would spend the class lost in conversation, finding any reason to get closer to one another. Looking back I wonder if people noticed, because when I was with him the world stood still, all noise was drowned out by his gaze and nothing else mattered. I never wanted him to know I felt that way, but I think he knew. As time passed we grew closer, he noticed things about me no one else did. Like the way I bit my lip and got nervous on test days. My life was an open book and he read every page, I think he knew more about me then I did. Then Christmas break came and I missed him dearly, I never should have said that. Christmas eve he drove to my house with mistletoe and a note.  I sat in his pickup truck holding everything back but as I looked into his eyes I knew there was no more holding back. We shared a kiss under the cold dark night inside his pickup truck. It was everything I feared and nothing I had ever felt before. I didn’t want to admit it, but I knew we had just shared more than a kiss. I left the warmth of his touch, walked into the cold and back into my house, note in hand. I went to my room and stared at that folded up letter for what felt like an eternity. I imagined what was written inside and dreaded but hoped at the same time I would be right. I finally opened it, sat there reading every word as tears streamed down my cheeks, still red from the crisp winter air. This wasn’t my first love letter, but this was my first letter that took my heart with it. Hearing how he felt about me only made me realize how I truly felt about him and it scared me. I wasn’t ready to feel like this, I was having fun, this was high school and I didn’t want to feel this way towards anyone. I sat down and wrote my true and honest feelings towards him. I then put that note into a box, years would pass before I took that note out again. I slept on a tear stained pillow that night. When break was over, I pretended like nothing had happened or changed in me. I knew it would hurt him but I never thought the hurt would last as long as it did, or what it would do to me. I would come to class and see the look in his eyes had changed, there was sorrow and confusion.  I knew he wanted a response, a reason, but I had nothing to give.

 In a moment of desperation I did the unforgiveable, I started dating someone else. Not because I liked him, but because this would cut deep enough to push him away without words. You may be wondering why I couldn’t just tell him no, why I couldn’t just say I wasn’t interested or didn’t feel the same? There is a reason though, I knew he would see right through my lies and would see how deep my feelings actually ran for him. My plan had worked, he was hurt now more than ever and things would never be the same. We drifted apart and I swallowed the pain. We stayed in touch, but not like before. There was this huge wall between us now and I thought it was for the best. Life went on, high school went on and as my senior year came, I was having the time of my life. I had more fun then I probably should have and I enjoyed every moment I could. Just when I thought I had forgotten those feelings, I would see him and in the blink of an eye, I would be back to our cold December night.  Graduation had come, it was senior picture day and in the spirit of our amazing four years we had drank heavily that day. As we all sat in our cafeteria signing yearbooks talking about our future, I saw him and the thought that I may never see him again crept into my heart. Suddenly it was like nothing else mattered. Not my friends, not my better sense and certainly not his girlfriend. I walked up to him and kissed him on the lips. I wish I could say the look in his eyes changed after this, it didn’t. Years passed before we saw each other again.