It was the greatest war, the last war. It wiped out all of the human civilization. How am I, a lowly American soldier, writing this story? Let’s just say, the Devil is my master and I am her subject. Maybe, just maybe, someone will revive us. Someone, from the now superior Beaver race, will revive us. I keep my hopes up strong, even though I have been here several million years. Enough time for the beavers to gain control of the world.

Every day, from when the black sun sets in the misty sky, my torture begins. All my sins flash across my eyes. I remember the time I had to shoot my children to survive the renewed black plague. I was sent into the Oven for several years for that deed. After my martyrdom, I get another privilege. Sometimes, I get to walk the streets fully clothed. Sometimes, I get to see my family. Sometimes, I get food. No matter what happens, it is impossible to avoid the gnarling, naked, crazed men that invade my hut for my privileges. They scrabble at the mud that glues my straw hut together; their sweat and greedy eyes invade my personal space. Every night, when the black sun sets, I rush out of my abhorred home, in order to fight off invaders.

In hell though, you get punished for self defense. I wished I knew that earlier. If I had, I would let them ransack my hut, just to decrease the span of time before my ascent to heaven. It was one special evening that I learned of the punishment for any kind of violence. One of the Devil’s minions, a red-eyed vulture, led me into TortureLand. It was an area for evening torture. Every time the black sun explodes and a new sun emerges, about every month, TortureLand changes its theme. This year, it’s an amusement park theme. It wouldn’t have been so frightening, if it weren’t for roller coasters colliding into solid steel walls, sheathed with solid diamond spikes. Vultures dressed as clowns littered the amusement park. You had to learn to be quick; otherwise, the vulture’s beak will penetrate towards your forever-beating heart. I walked across the “rides” of TortureLand, my chains clinking as I was forced to follow the vulture. I saw my no longer loyal friend Jake get sliced in half by a saw, only to slowly grow his body parts back. Once he painfully leaked enough screams, he was sliced in half again.

The vulture led me into a tent. He cut off my chains, and pressed a button that would start the “ride”. I came, I saw, I fell. Just like Alice in Wonderland, I fell through an enduring tunnel. Just like every “ride”, I saw myself in my own memory. This time, I was punished for a deed I did in hell. I saw myself, vulture eye’s view, struggling to sleep (which is impossible in hell). I saw myself startle upwards and barge out the door. I saw myself punch a beggar, who was invading my hut for food, in the eye. He crumpled on his knees, as I saw blood leak from his skull. The white wisps of hair on his head turned a dark red.

“I have a family you know,” he sobbed, “I am grandfather.”

“I have a family too. My kids are in heaven, as with my wife,” I heard myself say to him. The brown spot on his head slowly melted away. Putting his hands on the ground, the old man stood up. Swearing at me, he limped away. The flashback faded from my mind. And then I realized it. I was punished for defending my own turf.

I fell through the tunnel, gravity pulling me down. Instead of chairs or globes, as was in Alice in Wonderland, I was sliced by saws and knives. Automated guns and cannons shot at me as I flew down. I felt the lower half of my body get sliced away, and it slowly grew back. Without a further second to inspect my new legs, I felt the top of my neck and everything under it get sliced. It grew back, slowly and with excruciating pain. My grunts and screams echoed down the tunnels. I felt my stomach get shot by a cannon, as my back hit the wall. Gun bullets pierced my chest and flew out the other way. I gingerly tried to evade bullets and saws, but in the shadows of hell, it was impossible. I felt myself collide with the floor.

Guts splattered everywhere. My brain was in one corner of the room, my lungs in the other. Eyeballs rolled across the ground, drawing a line of blood. My intestines were stretched out, my testicles were completely obliterated. Slowly, all of the pieces of my body imploded. I was whole again. I stretched out my legs, as I examined the room. It was a small room, built for nothing. Candles lined the sides of the square room. I noticed a door dimly lit by the candles. I jerked towards the door and yanked it open, hoping for today’s torture to be over. There, I saw it! A translucent virgin in a dress hovered in the middle of a smaller room. The sight of the apparition at the end of every “ride” is a sight to enjoy.

“Please plead for your forgiveness,” the apparition stated. I bent down on my knees and mouthed some prayers towards the lord. I bowed my head, nose grazing across the concrete floor. “You may get up. The Lord forgives you.” I stood up, eagerly anticipating my award for the torture. The apparition touched my head, and I instantly teleported into my hut.

 I walked towards my table, and I noticed some rags positioned in the middle of the couch. I quickly dressed myself, not desiring to be nude in public. I felt something shiver in my pocket. Reaching in, I discovered a crumpled note. I carefully unfolded it.

The note read: these are permanent clothes. Please meet the devil at precisely moonset today.

I’ve never met the Devil face to face, and she rarely meets anyone. I deemed the news important, yet I did not know where to meet the Devil. I lied down on my couch, my eyes gazing up at the ceiling. It was “night”, but just as dark as in the morning. In the blink of an eye, I felt my body sink into the couch. My couch was made of solid rock, so of course this was impossible. Tightening my muscles, I snapped upwards, my legs drawing a fluent circle across the air. I landed feet first on cushioned furniture. I squinted my eyes, the full effect of the light finally reaching me.

“Are you okay?” A womanly voice asked me.

“Let him be. Your subjects are not use to the light. I will shut the light in an instant,” a rougher voice responded. I heard a clap, and the lights were gone. I opened my eyes, and the beautiful countenance of the Devil stared back. I’ve heard many rumors and scandals about the Devil, but none of them stated anything of her beauty. She was beyond compare to any mortal or beaver. She shined in black radiance, but she was pure at heart.

“I have an important deed for you. So important, if you succeed, you can go to heaven,” the Devil’s beautiful voice enchanted me.

“What is it?”’ I gently asked, not wanting to show any signs of irascibility.

“The Lord has asked you to be the leader of the Hell Army to defeat the beavers.”

“Why?” I was stunned. Finally, a chance to get to the real world!

“The Lord went down to the beavers in order for them to build a religion, as long as it is based on one god. However, the beavers tried to kill the Lord. They burned down all of the areas sacred to the Lord, like Jerusalem. You should take the task, since you are forced to join the army anyway,” the Devil elucidated.

“Why me?”

“Because you are the only one that’s healthy.”