Discussion of "The Universal Cover Up" by ericswyatt

Held my interest.

well, that's a start, eh?!?

Fantastic!! Annabelle's character is beautifully done. Excellent narratives! When she bit into the cookie and noticed an aftertaste, I thought, "Ah-ha" and then you confirmed with the ambulances at all the neighbors houses...Wow! 5 points all the way!

ah, but DID I confirm what you think I did????

maybe.

we'll see.

:-)

Thanks for reading!

LOL...if not, I beat ya to it. So, now, it does (at least in my continuation) confirm what I thought it did...lol.

Hey, I'll have to check it out later today when I have some more time to read!

Holy Moly! You sure put a twist to that one. Nice, well-thought-out study of human nature, like you've already shown yourself good at writing, and then ... Nothing unnatural about it, you once again showed your writing chops by making the segue totally believable. And now you've come into one of my areas of interest! I'm not really big on human interest-type stories, but your writing makes me enjoy yours. You are creating a much more visual setting in this story, and I like how you do it.
My only criticism is that for some reason I'm not believing the p.o.v. quite as much as I have been. In anyone else I would say it was well done, but it seems to me the mindset of an elderly woman is a little harder for you to get into. I think maybe it is because you are doing a little bit of telling about her nervousness, but not really showing it. Something to think about.

I have to agree that the pov of the elderly woman needs some tweaking. There are a few places where I was really happy with it, several others that were only so-so...but that's what editing is for, eh?

You're right on, Silver. The whole time I was writing this I struggled with the emotional and thought process of an almost 80 year old woman. As I wrote ericswyatt, too, I have difficulty with a female point of view, as well (which by the way he handled truly well in one of his chapters). But, it's all practice and fine tuning, right? I think so. And then, of course, folks like yourself that stand up and point it out along with that nice bone you threw me. Thank you, very much!!

You know what I just noticed...oh, man...Silver, you weren't commenting on my mash were you. LMAO...what an idiot I am sometimes...geesh!!

fabulous suburban angst- can't wait to see where it goes...

thanks chloe! welcome to the MASH unit. :-)

Glad to have you as a reader! I'll check out your work soon!

I absolutely loved this. After ripping through the story twice I then read through the comments to get a feel for what others got out of it. It’s funny, I actually thought the old woman’s perspective was written expertly. She’s reflective and slightly confused and set in her ways…although obviously lonely. I felt like her internal dialogue was dead on. And the descriptive portions were terrific.
The only issue I had while reading was that I felt like I was able to assume too easily what the outcome of this was going to be. Like figuring out who the killer was halfway through a book. However, after reading your remarks in response to another’s comments…and then considering the title more carefully, I began to wonder if that was exactly what you had intended, the premature assumption. Which of course would make it all the more brilliant.
Loved your chapter.

Thanks so much for the kind comments. They are uplifting to read.

The title...there is some background to the title, which isn't yet fully realized, but not really in the way you might think.

I think there IS an element of kind-of knowing what the outcome is going to be, but it is actually a bit more complex than that.

The next section/chapter for me is still forming in my mind. I may steal an element or two of wanna-be's mash, actually for Act II...but the real WHO and WHY is much different. And, ultimately, I don't write "who dunits" often, so there is less chance that that is ALL there is here. I'm really more interested in the inter-personal complexities of the story. ACT III and IV will actually provide the WHO and WHY with Act IV coming back full circle to Annabelle.

Lonely, she is indeed.

I agree with Eleven, I didn't have a problem at all with the Annabell's voice. I thought it was great how equivocal some of her thought's were while still remaining so set in her ways that she wouldn't eat a cookie, even though it might have been made with artificial sweetener. I loved it!

I started the story with an end in mind. x did y because of z. The cookie bit came to me as I was writing. One of those beautiful moments of "OH! That's pretty good!" This story was never meant to be about Annabelle, and yet, it turns out that it is, in many ways...

I can only repeat what others have already said here. Brillant chapter...I think Annabelle is very believable..the descriptions and dialogue are neat.

Thanks, Vinnie. I appreciate the comments.

My mistake. I realized later that the p.o.v. problems, slight though they are, actually occurred in the next section. Writerwannabe did such a good job that the two blended in my mind.

I can't think of anything to add - dog mentioned the precognition, Annabelle's voice has been discussed (I think you handled her splendidly), descriptions were tangible, thought process was natural, story flowed as smoothly as a snowfall.

My main question (not an objection) is the title, which only fits this particular chapter through the blizzard. White-wash double meaning? From the comments, it appears you have the full story loosely plotted. You'll have plenty of readers; count me as one.

Maybe it's one of my senior moments (or it could be my housecleaner moved them as some sort of joke), but for the life of me, I can't find my socks. (5)

The title does not refer exclusively to this chapter. The snow and such is a bit of (mostly) unintentional metaphor, sure...but there is a deeper meaning, which drifts (pun intended) throughout the piece.

I hope you find your socks.

I thought this story was wonderful. Like some others, I didn't feel like I was 'watching' the story of an old woman. I forgot many times that she was an old lady not a young woman.

This may sound dumb but after reading the story, I didn't make the connection with the cookies. I don't know. It seems too obvious for me. After reading the comments I thought about it more and it definitely could have been the cookies that brought the ambulances, but that wasn't my first guess. I could be completely wrong but I feel your more cunning than that ;)

Overall, this was a great story. It was beautifully written with lots of details that set the story up nicely.

I'm more cunning and less so at the same time.

What parts of Annabelle's discussion or actions were "young woman"-like to you? I'd be interested to know.

Thanks for reading!

There were clues throughout the story that stated she was elderly. (you write "young couple" suggesting she isn't young, "...that she didn't feel comfortable driving in such weather at her age" again so people know her age). While I know you say she is old, everything in between the lines doesn't come off, to me, that she is elderly. Only when you mentioned "young couple" stuff like that did I remember she is an old lady.
I guess you could say that I get a 'feel' for a story. I try to soak up the words and picture it my mind. Going through the story, I just kept getting a middle aged woman's picture as Annabelle. Maybe it was the way she thought or carried herself.
While I wish I could give you a straight answer as to why I keep thinking she isn't elderly, there really isn't one except for the way the story came off to me.
I don't want you to think I was influenced by the other comments because I read stories before the comments (stops myself from having an idea about the story before I read it). So when I finished your story I thought it was just me who thought she wasn't elderly. I figured I was weird or something. But when I read the comments I found other people thought the same thing. So I read it again, and for the life of me I can't get the 'feel' that she is old.
Okay, hopefully that makes sense and it doesn't disappoint you. It's just how my mind works unforunately.

I, too, was slightly perplexed by the main character's mindset. I did get that she was elderly, well enough, however. I like the strangers entering and the ensuing caios....could be because of them, maybe not...not sure if I'll take cookies from strangers anymore! lol...nice beginning!

NICE!

I love our main character. She's old and grumpy, and I find her--well--charming. I want to know more about her.

Great way to leave the chapter, too! There is tons of room for development, and those who decide to mash this story will be able to really put their own ideas and twists on the entire situation.

You are great at characterization--each of the characters have their own unique personalities, even though we hardly know them at this point.

Great job.

I love the elderly as protagonists or antogonists. You really worked the hell out of her. Bravo!

Enjoyed this chapter, and the figurative comparison... "It didn't make up for their architectural sins..."

In retrospect, the line should (will) read, "It didn't absolve them of their architectural sins..."

But, yeah...editing and such.

I wish the site allowed us to send a private message to authors. Eric, would you be so kind as to read and critique 'Monterey Jake of All Trades' for me? I'd love your input.

Hey Silver. Hope you read this reply...

I'll do my best to take a look at that for you sometime soon. My wife had surgery on Monday and has been in the hospital, so I've not had a lot of spare time.

I agree with you about the "contacting each other" point you make. My address is ericswyatt at gmail dot com, for future reference. You are much more likely to get a quick response that way.

-esw

I would like for you to add a chpt to a story I have created...click on my name and read "I am requesting 28 authors..." for more details.
Hope you will contribute.

Very strong writing...it's matter-of-fact style nicely compliments the underlying calm before the storm with Annabelle's neighbors. You manage to make something that could be vanilla (or Chris/Kelly's bland cookies) and create an intriguing story out of it.