Discussion of "Covered, Smothered, Diced, and Topped" by ericswyatt

It kinda seemed like you werer using the story as a forum, to get a msg across to the world. Nothing wrong with that. Did you or do you have a job that you feel you are judged on? If so, I understand. I used to sell hot dogs on the corner. The jokes were none stop and I still feel degraded

I really enjoyed your story. It felt true and from the heart, not that I'm saying you're either of the characters, but there was a sense of knowing in the story. Great job!

No. No job I feel that way about. Except that we all "sell out" to some degree or another...

I'm certainly not either character. (I'm not female, first of all....) I wanted to try to write something from a female point of view. I think anyone who has lived with a roommate (college, or otherwise) recognizes a tension there at times, especially as you are about to move out of that stage and into something else. These two characters are there: they are friends, and roommates, but they are starting to hit that point where they are wanting to move on, break free.

This is just a start, though I'm not sure where it's going yet. That's why I offered it up here at StoryMash.

I loved this, ericswyatt. I've tried to write from a female perspective and I know how hard it is..for me. It sure seemed easy for you! I think you captured their give and take, emotions and actions very well. I really like the premise, too.

Thanks, again, writerwannabe.

This one came to me all in one take, as I was sitting in a Waffle House in Georgia (or MAYBE Florida). I saw the waitress there and just imagined this scene happening for her.

Like the other story starts I've posted here at StoryMash, this is a fragment and an orphan of sorts. I'm not sure yet what I want to actually DO with it, but I thought it might be interesting to see if someone else has a way to continue the story on...

Thanks again for reading.

Very intense. Your writing style makes people seem very real. I could wish for more visual hints on settings, but I really enjoy your work. I feel like you give a good sense of not so much antagonism between the two characters as of a very realistic long-term, growing irritation. You break up the dialog and make it seem a real conversation with the showing (not telling) of what they are doing physically while they converse. Again, excellent work.

Couple of things I left out of my critique, inter-related. I love the exit line, and also that the character changes her previously attributed behavior by gathering up her things instead of leaving them for her roommate to move. I don't feel this is an accident either, since I can see in looking back - although it was not made obtrusive at the time - that there have been several references to her not picking up after herself. Great ending.

Visual hints on setting...valid point. Especially in this piece. I wanted the tension between them to drive this, at least at this point. I'm not fully envisioning the apartment myself, yet, I don't think.

The ending (of this chapter) kind of works on two levels...yes there is a bit of "changed behavior" but it isn't out of consideration for the roommate, rather done out of irritation. So while it is good on the one level (she won't have to pick soiled cotton balls out of the toaster) it just further reinforces the growing division.

Thanks so much for reading and taking time to post.

You're welcome. I was led to you by reading other people's comments on how helpful you are to them, and thus wanted to read your work. I am hoping to comment on some of your other stories, as well
I think your chapter ending conveyed exactly what you say very clearly. It was made obvious, without hitting the reader over the head, that her change of behavior was a new step in their disintegrating relationship. I see the chapter as a study in just such disintegration.