I think you are right Silver. Within reason. And, I'm still going to try to cut out the words... :-)

I'm quite happy the word limit has been loosened, even if just a bit. The first pass I made at the story clocked in at 2,600 or so, and I've whittled it down to like, 2,024. But I may be able to add a couple lines back in now, that I think are important...thanks!

Abagail!>!? so familiar....

:-)

what a great start. you've got a very tight story started here. well done!

That's the point of writing and critiquing...it is a process of fine-tuning the craft. It is hard work, and takes time, to do it well.

Keep at it!

Lots of description here. Very intricate, and obviously you see this all well in your mind's eye as you write it.

It is a bit heavily worded, for me. There isn't much to break up all of the narrative. That is a personal preference, but something that tends to make me feel like I'm "forcing" myself to read. There is a definite feeling of "otherworldliness" to this though, which is good.

One suggestion...
You write:
Time stood still, everything slowed in that state of awareness, he became one with not only his weapon, but his mark. He called to the target, willing it to his bullet. He breathed out emptying his lungs, took one last assessment and squeezed the trigger.

In a paragraph like this, there is no reason to say "time stood still". You are doing a good job of describing/showing that, without saying it. It is a redundant use, and un needed.

Oh, I'm working to continue the story...I'm not sure where I'll post it though...I'd like to keep it for my own site or something, likely.

Annabelle with a checkered past?!? well, yes. everyone has one, really, on some level, and she's no different. in my reality, though, her checkered past doesn't come knocking on the door or calling on the phone! :-)

OH, and a word of warning: Do NOT attempt to read this story aloud if you have a Cindy Brady-like lisp. UNLESS of course it has been assigned to you to read by your speech therapist. (There are a LOT of 's' words in this piece....yikes.

Thanks so much Jakestar.

Hopefully the person I wrote this for will be as happy with it as you are!!! (I wrote this sample in an attempt to land a ghost-writing gig...)

This kind of thing is why there needs to be a forum or question and answer type section to this website...