The story so far:
"Slick... Cherrick... LORD OF THE SUGARY SNACKS WILL COME TO YOUR RES-" the force of the instantaneous number of blows might've sent a weaker version of Slick punching through multiple walls of Reality. But since his battle against the Puppet King, Slick had been training himself nonstop in hopes of a rematch. "Heh, you've got nothing on me!"
Barney Fife stopped what he was doing, which, in comparison to fighting this **** again, was very important. "You interrupted my slushi time. You son of a bitch! Magia negro cadena: Técnica de monofilamento de tornado: Bombas magdalena!" Instantly, the Puppet King felt like his old self again, as his back burst open like the doors to a club that had been set on fire, and a large ugly, pissed as all getout cupcake puppet roared from the small opening.
"WHO WANTS A PIECE OF THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR!?"
Slick tried raising his hand to answer, but his hands were slashed off, his knees were broken, his neck was snapped, and the Ultimate Cupcake Warrior was smashing every vertibrae in his spine like a ADHD addled seven year old who just drank a gallon of Mountain Dew and found his dads drum set.
Alison watched all the chaos unfold from her chair, the thousands of screens flickered to different camera angles of the unfolding chaos. UPS delivered a smile to her, which she had to sign for since it was labeled as a Very Precious Thing. After five minutes of forgetting to put the right screw in the right place, she got the smile set up and it rested on her forest like upper lip, like a very happy lumber jack with no arms.
"You think they realize that its already too late for them to do anything about Morgan?" Jeff asked while trouncing around in a black leotard he'd gotten from bashing in a door and setting fire to the cast of a very lousy Grease remake. Julie simply sat down on the Couch of Hatred. It was called the Couch of Hatred because anytime she sat in it, she hated Alison for buying the hideous thing.
"I don't think they realize the enorimity of the situation. One a few of them has any actual idea of whats going on, and even then, id think theyed probably just half assed the whole thing in some hopes of trying to change him. The door and the Chasm have been setting up the dominoes to this for a very long time, haven't they?" the hostess asked while downing a glass of what looked like wine.
She hoped to god she was correct.
"Yes, they have Julie. You know, its not like them to take this long to spring the trap!" Jeff said ecstaticly while Julie pushed him into a pile of poison laced bear traps.
"No, I don't think they're doing it on purpose either. I think they want these people out of their little game before they continue the war between dimensions. Its just a matter of time until the Chasm, as impatient as it already is to over take the Door, ends the little truce they have and starts the slaughter already."
In the Dimension between Dimensions, the war had slowly begun after interest in Surviving Big Brother had dwindled down to a few Caasi supporters. The galactic sized forms of the Door and the Chasm, hung in the sky like giant, floating, beached whales, hoping for the inevitable end to all this fighting. Credion, Technarl, and Gothemos had long since banded together to fight against both the Door and the Chasm. It seemed like a long shot in the beginning, but while everything had stopped, they had gone around asking or convincing people on both sides that there needed to be a end to this chaos. Tina Door and Chrissy Chasm, though simply faces for the Door and the Chasm, joined the resistance movement, if only to keep an eye on the progress.
It had been several months since the war in the Dimension between Dimensions began, and though untold duonongentillions had been both killed and reborn on both sides millions of times, there was no doubt that all any of them wanted to do at this point was simply die one final time. But something kept them fighting against their will, something dark and insidious, something wretched, rotten, something that deteriorated them from the inside out. They wished they knew what it was, and they desperately needed answers.
Back in the remains of the Reality of the Mind, the Nightmare, Waking, and Dream Dimensions had long since collapsed on one another in a violent hiccup that had killed three quarters of each Dimensions population. It had been a scary time of transition for everyone, Asteroths Reality had transformed into one of three different Dimensions merged into one. The one remaining planet had grown to significant proportions to support such an almost infinite number of life forms and the ecosystem had changed rapidly too. In a effort to differentiate themselves from their new neighbors, and more easily tell who was from what Dimension, the United Nations in agreement with the Council of Nightmares and the Dreamers Guard, had chosen to abandon all nationality titles, instead referring to all creatures originally from planet Earth as Wakian, those of the Nightmare Dimension refferring to themselves of Nightmarior nature, and those of the Dream Dimension referring to themselves as Draesiate.
There was also a Council that had evolved, as well as a three person committee that could not be influenced by bribe or illegal persuasion. It consisted of Sasha Obama and her talking dog Bo for representation for the Waking dimension, who for the most part, still preferred Human. For the Nightmare Dimension, a shadow of the Nightmare Kings self, though he had survived Resaecs initial attack, it had left him crippled physically, and he required a piece of the Black Syrup to help him move about. The irony of this, unbeknownst to him, was that the Black Syrup was a minute piece of Resaecs new form that was keeping him alive. For the Dream Dimension, it was the Captain. He had long since awoken from his coma, and had seen the chaos that had evolved from the merging, simply known as "The Day The Sky Cracked".
The planet itself was almost the size of a Hypergiant star, and the speed of the planets rotation had slowed down. This caused massive earthquakes, giant volcanic eruptions that spewed several gigatons of magma that formed massive strings of islands and interconnected layers of crust several hundred miles apart. they were supported only by the Dream Dimensions laws of physics and the Nightmare Dimensions laws of gravity. Simply put, almost everything had gone to a stupid crazy hell in a hand basket.
Just outside of the Surviving Big Brother Existence, Linheber Ed watched with a bored sense of curiousity. It wasn't like he needed a monstrous sized telescope to see what kind of Hell was breaking loose, he could see the battle that was unfolding from the live feed he subscribed to.
'Just hang in there a little while longer.' he thought to himself as one of the Fragments of Reality approached him.
"Do you really think those tiny things will work?" Aurek asked with a little impatience in his voice.
"Those beans, that I designed myself, will only start working once a certain few words are spoken. When or how they come across those words, I don't even have a clue." there was a stilled silence as Aurek went back to his group and returned to his seat.
"This season of Surviving Big Brother is canceled." came the torrid voice of Allison in between the sounds of tearing cow meat from rib bone.
It almost always sounded like construction paper being torn in half every time she ate something. She was always eating something, or some one.
"The reason being, that our number one ratings booster, Morgan, has been taken by the Chasm of Nonexistence. We don't know what its planning, but we know it cant be good. I'm in the process to redirecting the Dimensional Door you all walked through to get here."
Nordafet was cautious with his words. "You mean those red hole things you nabbed us with? How do we know that you aren't just throwing us all into another competition?" Antimo slapped him upside the head with a zealos appeal.
"Because, if the Chasm does to Morgan what I think he's going to do, and unleashes him, there's going to be Hell to pay, and I don't have that kind of time. Besides, this Existence is stuck in an alternating time/space loop, and I know that just as soon as you start to leave, another version of this group will be drawn here." they all thought about this for a minute, and for some reason, seemed to think this wasn't the best place for any version of them.
"Alison, I want to ask you something, I want you to think about this, and give the next version of me your answer when they leave to rescue whomever that version of the Chasm takes. Can you do this?" there was only the soft tearing sound of meat, and for a while, Alison didn't want to say anything.
They heard some whispering coming from the speakers, a neck snap, and then she spoke. "Agreed."
"Okay then. Could you please repair Joseph and the rest of them? Teddy Ruxbin we don't really need, nor do we actually want the Spidermen... but could you repair and revive the rest of them?" there was guffawing, hem hawing, and over all displeasure at the mention of such a request, but in the end, Julie and Jeff convinced the producer zombie bitch from Hell, that it was alright. Their next season would be arriving in ten minutes through randomly placed blue holes.
Jochel, Reginalm, the houseguests, and those that had lost the matches except for the select few, were repaired and told to wait in the living room for a some sort of update. Mr. Bean was looking around frantically for his teddy, wondering what could've happened to his best friend in the whole world. "Where could he be? He is as much a part of me as your heart is to you!"
Barney Fife didn't feel like disappointing the man child, and simply told him the truth. "Your teddy bear got its **** handed to him on a rusted silver platter. They froze him, and threw him down into the basement. I think its time you gave up the-"
"IT IS NEVER TIME TO GIVE UP YOUR DREAMS WOOD MAN!" came the unpredicted change of voice and suprise attack as Mr. Bean throttled Barney Fife before Holo-Julie appeared, still clasping onto Joseph Arhems head, who still had that look of ultimate betrayal.
"Match 3 has ended, the victor being undecided. If you would like to settle this outside the house, we would be much appreciative of the two of you. There will be a new twist added to this though." Mr. Bean looked hopeful, Barney looked mortified, like someone had taken the bubble out of his gum and sold it on Ebay for three dollars.
"Whats the twist this time Julie?" There was a dark silence as the hologram grew what appeared to be a Reapers cloak onto her frame. Her once beautiful composure, now replaced with a unrelenting madness that lowered the houses warmth to that of a ice cube floating in space, about to get hit by a massive ice cube, suddenly wishing it had forgotten to turn off the oven before it left for work this morning.
"The twist will be," she said in dark tones, filled with over four billion years of sufferage of the almost intolerable Alison and her game rigging. "That this battlefield will be a solar system with over five hundred thousand planets orbiting three suns of varying size and gravitational pull! You will be able to breathe, and your powers are back to normal. The twist being, some of these planets are giant mines, others are about to die, and some are teaming with life. You must make one planet trigger a chain explosion that will leave only three hundred twenty five thousand eight hundred seventy one planets remaining!" Barney knew the stakes would be high. But he could never imagine something this big. Fighting billions of enemies at once was one thing, but knocking entire planets into each other and ending trillions of years of history was on a completely new level for him.
"That's all?" Mr. Bean said excitedly, "Will teddy be there? I need him to survive!" he finished excitedly. Reaper Julie looked at the man child with all the love and caring of a mass murderer slowly jamming a knife into the back of his latest victims skull, while watching the life snuff out of their eyes.
"He'll be there though."
"But Pooh sucks!"
"Oh all right. Making me fight with silly ol Pooh Bear."
"He won't be there, you're going to be fight with poop. I never said anything about Pooh BEAR."
There was a sudden look of confusion on Mr. Beans face. Who, on most occasions, would have let this thought flit away into the cavernous recesses of his mind before setting it aflame with one or more of his stupid storms.
"Oh. Really? Well, lets get on with it then! The Chasm has great plans in store for the Lost Wolf! They're having a slumber party! And paint each others toenails!"
Caasi now wanted to fight this son of a bitch more than ever, as did Dr. Ectaegonopus, the Golden Strands, Nordafet and the others. Reaper Julie silenced them all.
"ENOUGH! for god sakes people, this final match will once and for all, determine the fate of the Guardian of Reality Asteroth's last remaining Dimension! What don't you people get about that!? You think this was some sort of random coincidence? DO YOU!? There has been a plan in place since Nordafet and Credion were born out of Morgans strong emotions, since the Mouthians sent Dr. Ectaegonopus out of their existence, since Barney Fife was nearly destroyed in a conversation between the Door and the Chasm, since the Golden Strands were born and the stars in the many Universes were pieced together! YOU DO NOT **** WITH THE CORES MASTER PLAN!" she screamed, her robe rising with each new level of intensity, her arms and body opening like that of a suit of armor and thousands of dark matter string theories slamming into Mr. Beans body.
The two merged, and from what Barney Fife could tell, he was the only one who would have guessed this wass the out come. "Where's the damned Red Robin when you need it!?" he saild, slightly annoyed that after all the fighting they went htrough, they would have to get into another one.
"BARNEY FIFE, PUPPET KING AND SLAVE TO THE MOUTHIAN DR. RICHARD ECTAEGONOPUS, YOU WILL HAVE TO FIGHT ME! NOW! RED **** ROBIN, YUM BITCH! YUM!" and with that, the mystery surrounding Morgans disappearance had all connected itself in no time at all.
The Puppet King found himself into the most interesting of places, as Reaper Julie had said before she changed into Megabitch, Lord of the cranky people, surveyor of all keep off the lawn signs. Barney Fife floated in the middle of a triple formation of hypergiants, with closed orbits on the outside of each star, and open obrbits to change their closed orbit trajectory.
'Yes, my sentiments exactly Slave. Though you have long since repaid your debt to me, I can't help but call you that now.' "And you're back with me... okay, so what kind of power have you given me this time master?" Barney said to his former Master, but didn't have time to answer as his opponent had arrived. The two were still in the merging process, and it was almsot complete, but then something not right at all happened. Three others joined in the merging.
"Tsuren Tao? The **** Centipede coaster!? THE MOTHER **** BOX!?!" this fight wasn't going to be an easy one. The four slammed together. Tsuren's ability to clone herself, the Centipede Coaster's seven mile long chainsaw like tail, the Boxes armor plated boxiness, Mr. Bean's lethal arsenal, and Reaper Julie's mind all came slamming together into a violent schism, a nightmarish hiccup, a Reality smashing paradox of things to come, and finally, an unpaid parking ticket for twenty five bucks, all coming together in what Caasi would only describe as, the **** Bidening.
"I am no longer annyone you once knew, or anyone you will ever know again, I am the ether, the changing of the guard, the horrendous, never ending nightmare that shall forever be the avatar of the Core of-"
"SHUT THE FLYING **** UP! Magia con cuerdas negro: Tormenta presentador!" he roared with a furious passion. He didn't know how powerful this thing was, nor what it was capable of, but he was sure of one thing.
Ron Burgendy beat the living **** out of it.
"I'm going to punch you in the overies!" the anchorman said with gusto as he punched the thing in its face hundreds of times, followed by slamming two tug boat sized bottles of five thousand proof vodka onto its body, and bouncing around the shattered glass landscape, lightning kicking the glass shards into a frenzied tidal wave of slashing winds into the things form. "This is for seattle!" Ron shouted as the strings that formed his man rug of a chest opened into a furious riptide of vodka induced streaking. Just as suddenly as it had began, it had ended. The things tail wrapped around every nuetron, positron, nucleus, magnetic binding in Ron's body. Suddenly, a space craft floated by with Judge Mills Lane staring at the fight. Barney Fife wondered what the hell he was doing out here. He held up a sign with three words made him a signature every where. The thing, Ron, and Barney all read the words out aloud.
"I'll allow it!"
The thing smiled, and Ron smirked. "What is so funny, puny human, you did not win this battle at all!" the anchorman began laughing as his platinum blonde hair grew into a storm of black rope ten inches thick.
"Honey, I was never human, I'm all rope, all string, part of the magic that makes the Puppet Kings attacks so scrumptious to be apart of! You really think the actual Ron Burgendy would come out here and fight you!? Time to sign off!" the anchorman was right. While the thing had been busy trying to defeat this mirage of a man, it had gotten tangled up in the millions of ropes. Which for all intents and purposes, began looking like sticks of TNT.
It was on one of these sticks of dynamite that the Thing saw a family of four, walking very slowly to the edge of the stick. In their hands, was what appeared to be a large over sized match stick with a bright blue head. This, according to many psychologists, could be constructed as the Things irrational fear of being blown up coming true in, right in front of his eyes. It looked at the youngest of the creatures, who was no more than three years old, and hoped to god that it wasn't the one that was going to light the fuse. To its abject, and terrified horror, this was exactly the case. As the group edged ever nearer to, what seemed like a perfectly good idea at the time, light the fuse, it occured to the Thing that maybe this too, was nothing more than part of the puppet kings magic.
It wasn't anywhere close ot that at all. The group of four had just moved there from Wisconsin, they had moved their piece of cheese onto Escroe and had gotten a pretty reasonable price on it. After the Dimensional Merging, they found that just about anywhere and anything could be a house. Including a long string of dynamite. So they packed up their things, said their goodbyes, and moved to a place just outside of Wisconsin. It took them five minutes to move in, only to realize that this is what their Dad had always dreamed of. Blowing the crap out of their new home.
Thusly, they decided to throw a party on New Years Eve. It hadn't accrued in their minds yet, that this would be the last thing they'ed ever do. But times being what they were, there was little choice in the matter. The father gave the match stick to the baby, the baby looked up at the Thing in classic cartoon fashion.
The Thing shook its head.
The baby nodded with a smile.
The Thing started shaking it head faster and sweating.
The baby flipped it off, lit the fuse at the base of the stick, and they all sang Christmas Carols.
To the Thing's momentary distracted judgement, this seemed a bit out of place considering it was only July, and not December.
As the spark sank into the stick of dynamite lodged just under the Things chin, the Thing simply closed its eyes, hoping for a quick end. He heard Barney's laughter echoing from across the small planet like arena.
"What's so funny?" the thing asked as it shook in terror.
"That wasn't the the actual fuse. That-" Barney motioned towards the star furthest away, and pointed towards the quickly growing string of explosions, "Was the real one. Enjoy! Oh ****, its Colbert again!" Barney roared with anger. "WHY THE **** CAN I NEVER GET RID OF YOU!?"
Stephen quickly smiled, his bright blue business suit and neatly pressed white that was shirt torn and ripped, while the brightest red tie, quite possibly bought from a rampaging herd of pack clowns, fluttered in the wind. "You want to know what I think? I think that the Democrats are really pushing it with this whole freedom of Reality business! Why just today, I had to repaint of the town grey after Yogi Bear painted the town blue! Guess what Nation!? Tonight, I'm going to be interviewing the man responsible for this Dimensional Merging, and then, I'm pulling out the big ones!"
Both the Thing and Barney Fife watched as the neatly dressed news anchor bounded from stick to stick to stick just before they exploded, launching him further on down the line.
"Who the **** is he!?" the Thing stated, Mr. Bean's confusion readily showing through the form.
"I'm the leader of the Colbert Nation! with my mighty army of truthiness seekers, and the supernova like armada of words of the day, I'll make sure you know which side of the coin you eat you breakfast off of!"
Barney shrugged and simply sat back and watched what would happen. He didn't really expect this pain in the **** to show up, last he heard, Stephen was fighting the remains of Rachel in the Surviving Big Brother house. Morgan said that he'd won by shooting Rachel between the eyes with his Gun of Truthiness.
"Well, no matter Stephen, I, the Thing, formed from the mind of Holo Julie, the lethality of Mr. Bean, the terrifying power of the Box,and-"