The story so far:
. "We can't unlock Mr. Bean! Have you seen the utter destructive power that idiot unleashes every single time he steps out of his apartment with that damned teddy bear!? He doesn't discern between friend and foe, he will obliterate everything!"
There was a stunned silence as the voice laughed inexplicably, "That is the point, in this war where the people simply switch sides when killed, obliterating everything will work in our favor. The Chasm has given you direct orders to win this war using any means necessary. Think about it, Barney Fife fights for neither side at the moment, so killing him will prove advantageous to the Chasm's plan, and when the Puppet King is reborn into our fold, he will fight for us, no matter what the Great Mouths will commands him!" the voices owner lowered himself on strings made of the bluest hue, a blue so bright and so blinding that the self described red Crayon melted, revealing its true form as a Lego man with a neck beard and a cardigan.
'My Slave, I have urgent and most disastrous news for you, another Mouthian, much like myself, has acquired two Slaves, much with the same properties as yourself.'
Barney heard his masters voice for the first time in months, and created a underground shell ten feet thick. "Do you know who they are Master? Do you know if I can defeat them?"
'No. I do not, and I fear that you are too weak to even connect a hit with them standing still. This Mouthian is... was my best friend, he turned on me, and lied to our Elders and blamed me for his crime. I sense his presence now!' the Mouthian's voice buzzed fearful and without a hint of its former bravado.
Above the battle field, a simple bamboo crage fell from untold heights, its occupant screaming for its dear, awkward life as it was pressed against the ceiling of its temprary container, teddy bear in hand. A cardigan suited companion laughing hysterically, as its very being dissipated into a bright crimson and slammed itself into the teddies eyes. The stuffed animals body arched its back as metal wires sprang out of it, sinking themselves into its owners arms as the bamboo cage slammed onto Shirly Temple as she was strangling Strawberry Shortcake with her garter belt.
The two of them were shredded to pieces and reversed positions, with Strawberry Shortcake cramming a giant pair of pantaloons down Shirly Temples throat. The occupant had arrived on the scene, his wide English eyes viewed the scene with obscenity laced intent.
Mr. Bean had arrived, and his teddy was pissed.
Mr. Bean stepped out of the wreckage of the bamboo crate. His plaid grey over coat flapping in the breeze as the war raged on and on. The teddy bear in his hand driving all the energy he needed into his blood stream. Mr. Bean, on no account, was any kind of body builder, he was short, thin, pale, and had a neatly combed head of smoke black hair. He was also incredibly hideous and simply gave heart attacks to whomever gazed his way. Barney Fife felt uneasy about this, he had grown up watching Mr. Bean on television, and to find out he was some sort of demigod was just the tiniest bit disheartening.
The short thin man took a step, and then tripped over his own shoe laces, The Puppet King wasn't sure what was happening, but at the same time, he didn't like where it was going. In one fell swoop, Mr. Bean had arched his back, releasing a torrent of bone like gatling guns. He smiled awkwardly and grunted. Barney never liked fighting this type of monster. But before he could do anything, he felt the small raggedy stuffed animal with sewn on button eyes at his feet. He picked it up gingerly, nearly taking a sledge hammer to the head in the process.
The teddy bear had on a vest from Bed, Bath, and beyond, and in one of its cute cuddly paws was a thick packet of coupons.
"Do you have any coupons?" it asked in a sweet and tend voice.
"**** OFF!" Barney roared as he flung the teddy into the sky. "Negro mágico cadena: Diez mil puntos de sutura!!" he whispered as his back opened and sharp, serated and zig zagging needles shot from his back and pinned the bear to the ground. Mr. Bean only smiled as he fired off a volley of what the Puppet King thought were bricks.
The bricks slammed deep into the ground, breaking through the other side of the now overly cheerful grassy field, the holes hemoraged lava in tall blasts. Barney saw the bricks were actually coupons.
Lots and lots of coupons.
With pictures of Mr. Bean with a neck beard and a cardigan.
"That's... just not right." Barney said to himself. He turned his attention to the now very uncute teddy bear as it struggled to lift anything of itself off the ground. "You see those remaining needles aimed at your head? Here they come." he walked towards the ridiculously hideous man in a over coat and nearly had a heart attack himself.
Mr. Bean charged towards him and, with the grace of a fat walrus being tazed in the eye, he tripped again, and in midair, roared something that Barney thought he could never have roared before. "Cadenas de la muerte: Millones de baile puño de acero!"
'****,' Barney thought to himself, 'He's a puppet type like me as well!'
Mr. Bean's hideous mouth opened wide and skeletal arms and fists, and the thin man opened his mouth wider, unhinging it from the jaw, and then form the neck, his head split down the middle and opened wider and wider as millions of insanely long back bone like tentacles screamed outwards, each of them holding a brick of coupons with the hideous mans neck beard and cardigan on them.
"WHAT THE **** IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!"
"TAKE THE **** COUPON! WE'RE HAVING A TEN FOR NINE SALE IN LINENS!" Mr. Bean screamed as the onslaught of punches slammed Barney Fife repeatedly in the face, leaving a vicious imprint of the coupons in their place.
The onslaught began flooding every point in the Puppet Kings body with unbearable pain. He had also forgotten about the outwardly annoying teddy bear, it had freed itself just in time and began growing into a really not cute bear with scythe like claws that cut deep into barney wooden back.
'Master! If you have any great ideas, now would be the perfect- Master?'
'Hold on, I'm looking at dinner plates. I have a coupon for them-'
'**** YOU COUPONS MR. BEAN!' Barney raged as the steel fists began slamming dents into his body and cracks and splinters began pounding inward. "I will not take nor give a coupon to you this day Mr. Bean!" he said as he reached deep with in himself and his eyes darkened. "You can take those deals and you can go **** the Power Rangers."
Coincidently, the Power Rangers were in the process of getting some cover sheets for the Megazord's bed because it kept ruining them with all the moving that the robot had been doing. "WE NEED MEGAZORD POWER NOW! ACTIVATE MEGAZORD COUPON HOLDER!" Red Ranger commanded as the robot reached into its pocket and a bright shining electricity formed a wallet with some coupons in it. Green Ranger arrived in his Dinozord and promptly took it to the bathroom, a few minutes later, he summoned it by playing the flute. Barney took some time to beat the living **** out of him.
"YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!" the Puppet King said as he lured the Green Ranger into the path of Mr. Bean's attack.
"WELCOME TO BIG BROTHER!" the familiar and yet somehow rapidly annoying voice shouted into each persons ear. "This time, 15 people from epic fighters to rapidly aging hamsters in Karate Gis will be selected at randomly preordained houses and slapped in the face with a golden rod belonging to his holiness. I'm Julie Chen, and this is my husband, Jeff Probst, and this is Big Brother!"
There was no avoiding it, Morgan screamed in annoyance when his Holiness slammed him in the face with a golden rod and was sucked through a red hole into the familiar, yet confusing Big Brother house. The Golden and Bloody Strands as well as the Black Syrups entire masses were slammed into the Dimension of Survivor and Big Brother, where the brunt of each was crammed into Humanoid shapes. Nordafet tried escaping the ever present army of headless CBS lawyers and the black-hearted, insane, demented, murdering, Zombified Alison, as he ported from spot to spot, killed off several thousand lawyers as they flung open their non-mouths and sucked him into their collective red holes.
It was there that Nordafet saw that all of their heads were up their asses.
To make matters worse, they were all playing Microsoft Hearts.
Aneeh and Joseph Arhem simply walked into the red hole without so much as a second thought, and the corpse of Joshua Arhem was flung into the side of the house where it smacked against the sliding glass door and stuck there like a demented Garfield suction cup animal. Barney Fife, Mr. Bean and his teddy, along with the ghostly form of the Mouthian simply popped into the sprawling mansions living room. The shock was so much that in the middle of Mr. Bean's attack, he had failed to mention the word linens for the ten thousandth time in a row. Barney Fife used this opportunity to quietly tip toe into the open kitchen to grab some beer.
Antimo appeared alongside Morgan and Nordafet and the three secretly plotted against Julie Chens horde of lawyers. Blue and Black Spiderman fell from great heights and clothes lined themselves after slamming butt first into the red holes that appeared in the middle of their swing paths. They fell into the backyard and noticed the almost mind bogglingly high walls that secreted a massive amount of pop ups that impeded their every key stroke.
"Where are we?" Blue Spiderman asked a yawning Aneeh Arhem as she scratched the underside of her left boob.
"Where else? We're in the Big Brother house. Again! No one won anything last time as Julie and Jeff attacked each other, the lawyers got mad at Antimo and Nordafet because they wouldn't stop that, and Alison bit Carson Dailys leg clean off. I think he's hobbling around the Bravo channel or something."
Morgan, Antimo, Nordafet, Resaec, Caasi, The Golden Strands, Aneeh, Joseph, black and blue Spiderman, the Great Mouth, Barney Fife and Mr. Bean, and his teddy bear all convened in the backyard as child like versions of Julie and Jeff carved a path of the bloodiest destruction through the triple reinforced steel and spewed black, chunky soup all over their new house guests.
"Welcome House Guests, in a moment, we're going to put you through emotionally turbulent hell as we keep you prisoner and gradually drive you insane. Also, we'll take away your powers and abilities while your in the Big Brother House, and only give them back during the competitions!" Jeff shouted through a pink fluffy megaphone.
Julie stabbed him in the eye with her head set and laughed jovially. "That's right Jeff, also, we're allowing the Home Owners Association to film and record your every thought, moment, action, word, fight, twitch, fart, and atomic level movement for the enjoyment of over nine hundred and ninety nine googolplox Existence and Nonexistences to mock you at every turn!"
The group huddled onto the stitched together red leather sofa, where the two future hosts stood. Morgan groaned as Jospeh Arhem sat next to him.
"Welcome, welcome, welcome one and all! I hope the trips weren't too rough on all of you!" Jeff said in a weirdly bored voice.
Julie stepped on his toe. "House guests, welcome to the Big Brother compound! In a moment, you will be split into three teams, and guided to your team houses. But first, we have a announcement to make!" Nordafet groaned as he tried to port out of the room, but found that he would just slam into the giant wall tv in front of him. Barney Fife and Mr. Bean couldn't stop hitting each other in the shoulder, black and blue Spiderman were busy trying to spin a web, but failed miserably when all that came out was silly string.
Jeff recovered, and pushed Julie out of the way. "You might be wondering what's going on here, and we'll tell you! Julie, may I do the honors?" she nodded silently as her army of CBS lawyers still had their heads up their asses and were still playing Microsoft Hearts horribly. "Well, Julie and I have been at war with one another for the past ten thousand years, and CBS was our battle ground. We would each take a random group of stupid people, throw them either on an island, or in a house, and then see who went utterly **** insane within the first week. After so many years of this, we wanted something bigger. Much bigger!" Jeff went into the kitchen and got himself something to drink, while his wife Julie finished the explanation.
"You see, we fell into this Existence, a pure and blank Existence! For a while we struggled to get even a patch of grass to appear, but after some practice with controlling the various geo-spatial magnetic and gravitational forces, as well as combining the atomic reactions and heat levels, we were pretty sure we had gotten the hang of creating the Existence we wanted. But something was missing, something we very much needed to stay alive!" Julie howled with pleasure as Jeff stroked the small of her back.
"Attention?" Joseph yawned casually, waving his arm around.
"No... yes, attention, but no. Cameras! Microphones! A production crew! And then there was Alison."
There was a collective groan from the shambling form of Alison the zombie bitch from hell. "**** YOU ****! I WAS GETTING A MUDMASK AND THESE TWO JACKHOLES DECIDED TO KIDNAP ME! WHERE THE **** ARE MY GOD DAMNED CLOTHES!?" Nordafet wanted to slap the raving bitch upside the back of her head.
But jeff beat him to it and smacked her with a roled up newspaper. "Bad Alison, bad. GO TO YOUR CORNER!" There was an akward silence as the production assistant went into a coner of the room that was covered in furry walls. "Anyways, once we created the perfect crew of undead, uneducated, brainpanned morons, we did a few test seasons."
Morgan stood up to stretch his legs. "That's where you met us a few years back. Right? Tell us, did we really escape this Existence, or have you been keeping us here?" Nordafet burped something fierce, causing the already molting parrot of a corpse that was Joshua Arhem to molt even harder.
"No, you've been here the entire time, but there were a few instances where you did get out of our grasp." Jeff replied somberly, walking up the stairs. "Linheber Ed is trying to free you from this place, that's why you saw him as you did. He's currently gathering up the Fragments of Reality to break through to this Dimension." Julie laughed again, as this was the only response she knew how to do when listening to Jeff Probst talk.
"Existence dear, not Dimension, Existence." alison said loudly.
"GO TO YOUR CORNER!" the Golden Strands shouted.
"Linheber is trying to save us!? The Demon Director, the one who tried to kill us, is trying to save us!?" Morgan shouted in disbelief and anger. Nordafet and Joseph restrained him from acting harshly. "Let go of me Arhem! You're no different than Aneeh." the Human grumbled, but Joseph did not relent.
"I'm loath to touch you without ill intent, but perhaps in this situation we can learn to overcome our... intertwining pasts. I am nothing like my obviously psychotic sister, and only live because the Chasm wills it. Let's learn what we can, and maybe we'll learn something about why the door and the Chasm-" Joseph was interrupted by a Golden hand on his throat.
"You did not ask to talk to him, you dare put your hands on the Lost Wolf, and to top it off you decry your own sister!? We will never forgive you!" the Golden Strands yelled.
He turned his attention towards Jeff and Julie, who were in the process of directing a film students portfolio into a furnace. The film student was more distraught about his shoelace being untied than fifteen years of hardwork being burnt right in front of him. "Anyways, the rules of this game are the same as on our former TV shows. Only there are no competitions! The only way to get evicted is by hand to hand or strand fighting, which we will announce who will be involved! The losers of the eviction will be frozen and placed in the basement for the remainder of the season!" Julie announced and pulled out a shotgun and pointed it at Jeff's head. Jeff was apparently very joyful about this situation.
"Also," Julie pumped the quadruple barrled shotgun. "You can not die here." she pulled the trigger, and the blast ripped apart Jeff's head, the bits and peices floated for a few minutes and then slammed back together. Jeff opened and closed his mouth a few times, and realized that his nose now replaced his tongue and his tongue acted as his left eye. He saw brown, and knew where his left eye was.
"Wow... that really hurt."
"Now to split you up and pack you in! WELCOME TO SURVIVING BIG BROTHER!"