ii – her wake

Standing alone in the dark in the middle of my apartment, my ear pressed firmly against the wall. This is what I’ve become. Listening for the remotest possibility of her.

Her.

And him.

Will it be the sounds of sex? Do I yearn for an argument? And what about laughter?

What about it? The hint of potential lies and that all, is after all, all right. And that my friendship is in fact nothing more than just friendship. The storm brews.

Its only day two and already the significance of her eyes has become a misshapen puzzle piece. Try as I might I cant find any way to fit it back into the overall picture. And so my original plan is foiled.  

So I set it aside and I fantasize. This is what I do.

But try as I might, I can’t escape the fact that I am only a man. With needs. Not dreams. Oh, **** no. I sold those long ago. Just the basics now. Touch. Comfort. Togetherness. Let me service the account. Please. 

But I sincerely fear I’ve no internal damn strengthened enough to survive the fallout of this weather. Her perfect storm.  Raging seas equal me on my knees. Clouds bursting with lost possibilities. Fresh promises capsized and flailing. Stinging rains of regretful words surging against the mounds of my eroded barricades.

She held my hand. She showed me her flesh. She sang my favorite songs. She promised me she would be here.

And she’s not.

Standing alone, in the dark, I tilt the bottle back and I gulp. I know the storm will last all night. I understand the implications. I am not a rookie.

Still, I’m unable to predict with any amount of certainty, which structures will survive.