May 18th, Sunday 

 

Karen didn’t bat any eye when the alarm went off at 5:00 a.m. and after swallowing a handful of painkillers, I announced that we were going to Church.

She kissed me, took a shower, got dressed and went to wake the kids.

Ahhh, the kids on the other hand…

“Dad, this is crazy! It’s like the middle of the night!”

I managed to convince them it was worth it by hinting at a surprise after. And I did have one in store.  

“Karen…” I said, “Please promise me that when I’m, ya know, gone…that you will take the kids to Church. Can you do that? For me?”

Without hesitation she smiled and said, “Of course sweetheart. Every Sunday.”         

After service we stopped in at our favorite Coney Island, where I managed to once again call ‘Jan’ ‘Jane.’ Once again I was forgiven.

The anticipation of the surprise was killing the kids so I had to finally spill the beans…

“Were going to Gramma Sharon and Grampa Big Tony’s house!”

This brought a chorus of ‘horras’ from the kids. They loved going up north to visit my parents. Even though Big Tony wasn’t their real Grandfather, they had been married for over ten years and so we all considered him part of the family. He was a good man too. And it just so happened that he was my father’s best friend too. So Dad was always stopping by the house for dinner, as he only lived 20 minutes away. 

I had asked Mom to invite him tonight in fact. 

Of course the kids all loved their Grandparents however that wasn’t the only reason for their enthusiasm. My parents had a place right off of Big Bear Lake in Lewiston. So the kids could hit the beach and swim and go boating and fishing.

Karen and I had been discussing the trip every since she called my mom a few days back. We agreed that this would be the best time to tell everyone what was going on. Everyone including the kids. We figured with my parent’s support it might make it easier for them to handle.

We had packed up a few days worth of clothes and loaded them into the trunk the night before. We wanted it to be a surprise for the kids.

Going to Church had been a surprise for all of us, including me. After visiting the Church yesterday and speaking with Jesus, I felt like I owed it to my family to take them so they could feel his love too. I know Karen will keep her promise to me and take them every week. I’m hoping God will let my spirit flow through them on Sundays while they sit in his house and pray and sing. That made me feel really warm inside and for a while, my head didn’t even ache.       

We hopped on I-75, and headed north. Toward Lewiston Michigan. To where I grew up. 

 

                                   ***

   We rolled into Lewiston around 5:30 and the memories immediately came flashing back. We haven’t been up to visit in over four and a half years as my parents usually come down to see us. As we passed the beach entrance to East Twin Lake the boys start to get excited.  

Hunter: “Hey Dad, Can we go to East Twin again and ride the Jet-skis?”

Jeff: “Yea, Let’s go there tomorrow! Can we Dad?”    

Melissa: “I like Big Bear lake cause I can walk in the water pretty far out and my feet still touch the bottom.”

All I can manage to do is smile. If I open my mouth to speak I’m afraid I’m going to break down. I love my kids so much. The thought of missing them grow up is tearing me apart. I know Karen will do a good job, but still…I wont be there to take pictures for Hunters prom, or to stand and cheer when Jeff hits his first little league home run, or to interrogate Melissa’s boyfriend on her first date.

“Karen, I don’t want her going out on a date until she’s 30!”

Karen looked at me with wide eyes.

“Daddy are you talking about me?”

I swallowed back my tears as I looked at Melissa’s curious Angel face in the rear view mirror. And then I changed the subject back…

“We will go to East Twin and Big Bear. Well do everything!”  

This satisfied everyone.

 

                                 *** 

   The real surprise didn’t happen until I pulled into my parent’s driveway and saw that it was filled with familiar vehicles. It looked like the entire family was there.

Jeff and Melissa wasted no time as they popped open the car doors and sprinted toward the front.

Jeff was excited to see his cousins and his Aunts boyfriend: “Brett and Nick are here! And I hope Denise brought Kellen!”

And since finding out Aunt Lacy was pregnant Melissa couldn’t stop talking about babies.

“Aunt Lacys here, Aunt Lacys here…I wanna feel her tummy!”

Hunter ‘casually’ opened his door and ‘casually’ stepped out. Sixteen years old meant you had to play it cool. But I could see it in his eyes. He was thrilled to see his family. Before he shut the door he peeked back inside and said:

“Thanks Mom and Dad. This is a really great surprise. And Church wasn’t really so bad either.”

Then he was gone. Walking up the steps to the front door a little faster than his normal sixteen-year-old saunter.  

I sat there for a moment allowing it all to sink in.

It looked like everyone was there.

Lacy and Seth’s economical green Toyota.  

My older sister Denise’s BMW. Most likely her fiancé Kellen was with her. He is a professional Basketball player so all the kids mob him when he’s around. 

My oldest brother Adam’s gas guzzling Hummer.

The gray mini-van belonged to my other brother Derek and his wife Amanda. Certainly they had brought the kids, Nick and Brett.  

And Drew’s blue Harley Davidson. Two helmets on the back meant that he had brought his boyfriend Lanny with him. I smiled as I thought about how uncomfortable Lanny made Big Tony. He didn’t understand the whole ‘gay’ thing as he put it, and so always went out of his way…way, WAY, out of his way to try and act like he was cool with it. Which of course only made it so much more comical to the rest of us.

I looked over at my beautiful wife Karen. She was starting hopefully back at me.

I knew that this was her doing, and she was concerned that I wouldn’t be happy with her for it. While it did make me nervous beyond belief and I wished she had prepared me for it, I know her heart was in the right place.

“Thank You sweetheart. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you doing this for me.”

Relief spread across her face.

“Oh thank God Anthony. I was so worried you were going to be upset with me. I knew if I asked you would never have agreed to do this.”

“Your right. But I also see now that it was the right thing to do.”

I reached over and gave her a strong hug. I felt her hair on my face and I wished I could feel it there forever. Wished that I could take her smell with me and the way her touch felt. I hoped all these things would last eternally in my memory banks. Not wanting to lose myself I pulled back and focused on the task ahead of me.

“So, how did you do it? How did you get everyone to agree to come up here?”

“I told your Mom we had some news to share that everyone needed to hear at the same time. I said it was urgent. She did the rest.”

“That’s Mom. Any excuse to get all of us under the same roof. ****, I can’t even remember the last time…”

“Christmas 2004. Serena threw a glass of Eggnog at Adam and it hit Denise.”

“Ooo, yea right. That was ugly.”

“MmmHmm.”

“Too bad Adam couldn’t bring Serena here now. She’d be perfect for delivering this news. Everyone already hates her.”

We both giggled.   

“ Baby, if you want…I will do it.”

“God I love you. But no, thank you. I think I should be the one to tell them.”

We embraced again.

As tears began to leak I heard a porch door slam shut and the approach of quick moving footsteps. Jeffs voice:

“Mom, Dad! Come quick! Daisy May’s about to have puppies! Everyone’s out back watching! Come on!” 

                    

                                  ***

   Karen and I followed a trail along the side of the house that leads out back. The path is made up of individually cut rocks, of all shapes and sizes, embedded into the ground. I can make the trip on the rocks with my eyes closed. I know every angle and every crack of every rock in this path. I know how every breeze will shift through every branch of every nearby tree and affect your balance. I know the interfering culprit of every shadow that falls across you face and offers you momentary relief from the blazing afternoon sun. I’ve walked this same path for over 30 years. In the summer, always edge to your right at step 11 to avoid the protruding garden hose. In the winter, watch step number 17 because there’s a dip in the roof that causes water to fall to the ground and turn into a sheet of ice.

I squeezed Karen’s hand and she squeezed back. It’s strange. We’ve known each other for over 20 years and been together for almost 18, yet, I’ve never told her how well I know this rock path. You feel so close to someone and yet, there are always parts of you that you don’t share with them, for whatever reason. I suppose I’ve always considered those parts somewhat insignificant.

I mean, why would she want to know that on step number 28 the ground dips slightly where I dug it up when I was eight years old because Adam told me there was a Pirates treasure buried beneath it. Or that there’s a sharp edge on rock number 8 because Drew tripped over rock number six and shattered his front teeth on it. But I realize suddenly that all the little puzzle pieces of your life experiences, they fit together to make up the whole picture of who you are.

So many of those impressionable puzzle pieces that get fit into place when your young, things you believe are insignificant at the time, become forgotten as the years go by. Your brain just pushes them aside in order to make room for more grown up things. Like Calculus. And Religion. And Sex. And eventually those pieces of you get placed in boxes and stored in a basement where they lay around for the rest of your life and collect dust. Until its time…

Until its time for your life to flash before your eyes.

Not many people are allowed the opportunity to know when they are going to die. In this I feel somewhat lucky. I get to experience my flashbacks over a thirty-day period instead of over the course of a minute or so.

“Watch your step here sweetheart. There’s a crack in this rock. Wanna hear a funny story about it…”

 

                        ***

  We walk into the barn and are greeted with hard and fast handshakes and deep family hugs and quiet ‘How are ya’s’ and, ‘Been too long’s.’

We follow the rapt gazes of the kids to a stall in the dimly lit back corner of the barn. There in the comfort of her familiar surroundings, nestled in a bed of stray, is soon to be momma Bailey May.

Bailey may is one of the daughters of Daisey Duke and Cooter.  Cooter was one of the sons of John Wayne Duke who was himself a son of Bo Duke who was born from the original litter of Peanut Butter and Digger. A long line of German Shepard’s that all hail from the Holloman and Davenport farm.

And there by her side, a sight I am very familiar with…my father Anthony Sr. Instinctively he turned toward me and smiled. A thought occurred to me and rather than internalize it I decide to share it.

“He always could sense my presence. Which made it very difficult to sneak in the house after curfew.”

Lacy playfully jabbed me in the ribs and Karen gripped my arm.

We stood around and watched quietly as Dad skillfully helped Bailey May deliver her first pup. He gently pulled the pup out, cut the umbilical chord about three inches from the pups tummy and then placed it near Bailey May’s mouth so she could lick it clean. He then placed the placenta in a nearby wooden box so he could keep track. Generally there was enough time between pups to keep everything organized, but in the event of any trouble, you wanted to be able to match the number of pups with placentas.

After Bailey May finished licking the pup he would then place it gently near her stomach so it could begin the process of figuring out how to feed. Some pups catch on pretty quick, such as the first three.  However some you had to hold their heads for them and sometimes even squeeze a bit of milk out of the nipple to get them started.

Around about the second hour and the sixth pup the kids started getting restless. I admit, I was feeling the same. It had been hours since we last ate and the scene in front of us, although beautiful, was starting to turn my stomach slightly. It had been over 45 minutes since the last birth and Dad finally confirmed that Bailey May’s stomach ‘felt empty.’ I was about to suggest that some of us retire to the Kitchen to prepare dinner when Jeff burst out:

“Pa-Pa…whys that one not moving.”

Everyone froze. It wasn’t too uncommon to have one or two of the litter either not make it through the birthing process or to die shortly after birth. It appeared that was the case here. A tiny brown and white pup lay motionless. Dad picked the little guy up and investigated it closely. It was obvious it was already gone however he went through a number of tests I’m sure more for the children’s benefit than the pups.

I looked around at my terrific family. I saw that tears were coming freely from almost everyone. A few tough guys held it back, like Adam and Drew’s boyfriend Lanny, but you could tell they were crying on the inside. Death is never easy.

I loved them all so very much and I knew how unbelievably lucky I had been being born into this family. Sure, we had our differences. Adam suffered from depression and barely spoke to any of us anymore since his third divorce. Drew’s coming out of the closet sort of shocked us all and so he had kept his distance for a while. Derek and Amanda were having some marital issues lately. Denise, well she spent half the year traveling around the states with Kellen and his team. Seemed Lacy and I were the only ones who really kept in touch and I was always so busy with Karen and the kids…

I knew it was a bad excuse.

And in the end it didn’t matter. Family was family. For all Adams bad decisions in life regarding finances and women, he would always be the big brother that gave me his Barry Sanders football card and taught me to throw a curveball. Derek would always be fourteen again and punching Mike Dickey in the face for giving me a wedgie. Denise would always be the one who taught me how to make pancakes. Drew, well I was his big brother so I was responsible for teaching him all the **** my brothers taught me.

And Lacy…always my baby sister. My sweet innocent baby now preparing to have her own baby. And I would never see it.

But I couldn’t think like that. I had to stay strong. Especially in front of the kids. And at the very least until I got all this out of me.          

“I’m sorry Jeff…” My Dad finally broke the silence. “God must have decided he had other plans for this little guy.”   

And I knew that I would never have a more appropriate opportunity than this.

I looked at Karen and she gave me an encouraging smile and nod.

“Everyone…” I tried to raise my voice but not loud enough to disturb Daisey May and her new family. “There’s something very important that I…” Karen moved closer and grasped my hand in hers. “…Actually, there’s something very important that we need to share with all of you…”