Discussion of "simple little ego, go for a walk" by dogdeity11

Let me know if the doctor prescribes more medication. Or less.

Plenty of meds available. The character most likely chooses to not take them.

Wow!Not sure about medication, but I enjoyed this drug of prose, mesmerizing...dig what I took to be him listening to music via headphones...?...learn to swim, learn to swim, learn to swim...Tool? Great stuff dog, you really dig deep into th emind of your protag...I am not sure if it is because the subject matter you weave, the throughts, cerebral hemorraging is similiar in taste to mind, but I really vibed with this...I could see the guy, disheveled, walking the streets swimming in his own thoughts...of what was back in Detroit and now what is...sad, but true in a lot of ways to people...I been homeless at one point in my life, so it was relateable ... was a good smoke and read, thanks for that...

Thanks Bazooko. I get the same vibes from your work. I think you and I are very similar in the way we think and write.

Which is kind of scary, lol, but understandable. i also grew up in Michigan, so, and Harpos was kick as a kid...I didn't venture downstate too often but when I did we were sure to visit a little store called The Plum Pit...ever hear of it? When I smoked a certain plant, I bought a six hose hookah there...I haven't smoked (that plant) in over 17 years, I need all the brain cells I got...where you I am sure could spare a few...

Did you put something in my coffee this morning? It tasted a little weird, and then I read something from this dog guy and totally tripped out! I'm not sure what to do next...should I go to the E.R. or something? Go confess my sins...~Mother Superior has a gun...

Your not a girl who misses much. I’m a man in the crowd with multicolored mirrors on my hobnail boots.
And yes. I totally put something in your coffee this morning.

I knew it, it was kind of tangy tasting. Whatever it was, does it come by the dozen and can I get it a Costco?

Dang, sorry. My sister is here for pre-holidays. She left her dang moniker signed on and I didn't realize it and used her name. Don't worry though, I'll put coal in her stocking as punishment.

Artsy piece! Great writing! For emotional induction, would suggest it might work better in third person. Would be good in the middle of a tale as a break or showpiece.

Thanks yur1~ I hadn’t even considered it in 3rd person…great suggestion. I think your probably right. Appreciate your taking the time to read and comment!

You're brilliant. When polygamy becomes legal, you want to be my 2nd husband?

Thanks Kat, but commitment makes me super uncomfortable and I’m not real good at sharing. However, I am available as a part time sex slave? Thursday's work for you?

Let me check my schedule. I'm such a busy lady :)

Incredible, as always your unfalteringly honest voice is charming and sweet and sad all at once.

More than anything I love to receive praise from my favorite writer. Thanks honeygloom.

Walking...

Ha! Thanks for taking the time to leave a funny comment random.
Ya know, I would actually be really interested to know what you think of this piece. I’m betting you didn’t bother to read it and that’s cool…it’s long and I know you don’t particularly care for my style of writing. But I respect your creativity and would like to hear your opinion if you have time.

I'll comment on it - just as you have done. Give me some time.

Ok, my first (honest) view -

You seem to have a 'golden mean' approach, i.e. not boring your readers to death with tedious descriptions disguised as fancy vocabulary.

I imagine a voiceover, Morgan Freeman style - I imagine this text there as various scenes from the protagonist's life keep whizzing by...

''The hairs in your nose freeze together when you breathe. Long-johns and drunken bowling nights. Sleeping with overweight, ugly girls. Doing E. Cold, cold, shriveled nuts in the sack cold.''

Good voiceover sentence.

''Mrs. Nourice was slim and stylishly unstylish.''

Another one. I can place this woman in some movie, approaching a screen...

However - some of your sentences appear to be generic in nature. You cleverly disguise what is real/fictional - Your assholic experience, for example, something more specific would make it less generic.

The language is 'in sync' with your protagonist. It suits him, so to speak. A big plus.

What you write about - yeah, not really something I like. Do not get me wrong - life stuff is great, but this sometimes is too generic. Make it more specific - yes, even more specific than now. Add something unique - and sex scenes are quite common, as far as I am concerned. Something unexpected - yeah, it was predictable.

I like the following sentence -

''Like you feel when you see someone bleeding profusely. Like you feel when you hear a news story about a kidnapped, raped and tortured girl finally coming home.''

You manipulate the denotation (dictionary definition) and connotation (how do I feel about this word/phrase/etc?) well. This is important if you want to manipulate people's perception, i.e. their emotional responses / what they expect to find next.

Good use of deixis.

Overall, (that's a shocker) you write well. Not too long. Not too short - rich vocabulary, but not too fanciful/artificial.

Hope this helps.

This critique might just be one of the best I've read on this site. Very thoughtful. Just giving kudos where it's owed. :)

Hey randomnickname! I really appreciate you taking the time. I agree 100% with Kat…this was a really useful and well thought out critique. Very helpful. It’s always great to receive praise on something you work hard on, but in order to grow as a writer, or even as a person, you need honesty and constructive criticism. I was able to take something away from your comment that will be helpful to me in the future. Thank you very much.

You're welcome I guess - you've been commenting on my stuff for quite a while after all.

Thanks - nice to hear it, coming from a professional.

I like the fact that you can offer up graphic sexual situations without giving up on the writing. It's all about the writing, not about what is shoved up where.

Very good writing. I was consumed.