Discussion of "Janeane’s smile, Kerplow! (2)" by dogdeity11

Love how you started right before the climax and back-tracked. Come on...hurry and let us know who survives the Russian Roulette...or, maybe you have something else in mind?

Dog.....I have to ask....Do you write for fun, or do you have published works, or both? I'd buy your books, novels, short story collections, anything. You are a master storyteller.
Another well-deserved 5.
Going to ask SM creators for the 6th star now......

Wow, thanks for the really great feedback. Not published…just totally obsessed with the written word. Reading and writing. It’s an absolute addiction. Stumbling across this site was like a junkie finding an endless supply of clean needles.
Wish I could get paid to sit around and write all day!

You are welcome. And you should consider, seriously, going about publishing your work.

(And sending me a copy. I'll pay....)

Wow! I can't believe you aren't published.You really deserve to be. I'm with 76, I'd buy anything you wrote.

This is a great story- good plot, decent writing, but not what you had in the first chapter. It's... slightly off key somehow. I wouldn't make that comment based on the quality of this piece (it's great). I make the comment in comparison with your first chapter, which was a real work of art. Would you be offended if I edited this and tried to make it match?

I must say, I have little interest in trying to continue someone else's story. But I have this obsessive desire to take something that's almost perfect and make it click. To me, that's what "collaboration" should be- not that I would be collaborating so much as giving input on little tweaks.

And to reiterate... I only get these obsessive urges when something is almost exactly optimal. It's not that I think I write better than you- it's that I think I "get" what you're trying to do stylistically. And I think I can make this fit YOUR style a little better than it does now. Would you be interested to see an edit?

Seriously? I would be honored if you took the time to edit and rewrite anything of mine. Thank you!
I have really grown to love this writing thing…it’s so unbelievably addicting. I welcome any and all help I can get and while I may hold firm to certain things, if I really believe in them…I definitely will not be offended by any constructive criticism. I think it would be really awesome!
I took your advice regarding the ToDo disaster I was dumping out. I’m reworking it and trying to make it more entertaining…not to reveal too much too early…etc.
And I had no idea about the first rights and all that. It never really mattered cause I had no intention of being published. But now I think it would be pretty cool. Worth a try anyway. And as you said, if it fails…then just post it up here and share it with others.
Thanks RavenLebeau!

Mwah-hah-hah-hah-hah! My inner control freak is unleashed. Now I can fiddle and fuss without fear!

You should always stick to your guns when you're right- that's one lesson I've learned in the school of hard knocks. (Not in writing, in finance, but still.)

I think if someone is really going to give a useful critique, it has to be someone who "gets" you. I had this awesome friend in grad school... he would come to my office and say, "have you started the homework?" And of course I hadn't. So I'd start taking a look at the problems and writing up my solutions. My friend wouldn't have come up with those solutions, but he would immediately get what I was trying to do. He'd catch me whenever I made dumb little errors. I was leading the charge, he always had my back, helping me get where I wanted to go. My vision. His vigilance.

Now that's math.

In writing, it's harder to find someone to be a Clark to your Lewis. It's easier to find people who want to drag you off in another direction, or people who don't even get it enough to make suggestions. We'll see what I can do with this chapter :) You can tell me if I get it or not.

My point... I had one... where did that damn thing go... oh. There it is. Yes, my point.

Improving your writing isn't about taking everyone's ideas. It's about finding a few genuine supporters. That doesn't mean you'll always agree with those people, just that they respect what you're trying to do. ANd not just enough to enjoy what you wrote, what's in front of them. Enough to see where you're going and help you get there. Vision and vigilance.

Ok, you don't want to use my revision as a final draft, and I know that. I hope you enjoy what I did and have fun reading it. Maybe it'll give you some ideas. I couldn't get it perfect... it's like writing code. Sometimes I see how something needs to work. Then sometimes I don't, and looking back, I don't know what I saw before. Kinda wish I'd done the re-write at the time. Anyway, let me know if these links work. I made some comments on the original just so you could see what I was thinking. It's a great story. I basically pointed out some places where you seemed to be breaking your own "rules" as in not following the style from the first chapter.

I'm not saying everything I did is "better". Mainly I hope it gives you some ideas of how you can perfect what you're trying to do.

If I had to bet on your reaction, I'd say you'll see the issues I pointed out and find better ways to fix them than I did :) That would be the optimal outcome.
http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dgp94d4c_2dq2xd3d6

http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dgp94d4c_1fxzcn5dc

http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dgp94d4c_0g9c2zqc7