13

  Tender moments that define what this existence is all about. Fingers caressed over a cheek. Down an arm. Lips brushed lightly over an ear. Over knuckles. Over a tan and fragrant stomach, expanded slightly from a great nights meal.

A foot rubbed up the length of your leg. Toes wiggling and tangling in your hair. 

These are the moments that I will forever remember. Canvas portraits for dream landscapes. Secret moments that will never be shared again.

Never, ever…I **** swear…EVER, taken for granted.

I brought my mouth to her neck and I spoke in a low voice, so her daughter couldn’t hear.

I said, “ I am so in love with you.”

And I couldn’t have meant it more if I was on my death bed. And I was sober. For a change. And if the fate of the universe rested on my honesty, I would have saved you all.

“I am so in love with you.”

And I don’t care what love means. I don’t care what any song or any parent or any past lover has ever meant. What I meant is the only reality I have ever known.

I am so in love with her.

The way she plays sleep, with pretend snores and fart noises in between. All to entertain. The way her eyes squint when she tastes something she doesn’t appreciate. The way her body goosebumbs when I bury my face under her arm and slide my tongue around like I mean it.

And I mean it.

How many times have I said ‘I love you’ in my life and not really understand what I was saying? How many hearts may I have broken because I wasn’t true? Because I wanted to play along and be part of the bigger picture?

I am sorry. It wasn’t right. 

I have never really known what the word love meant until now. Until I had to watch her leave, walk out my door, and know that she wasn’t coming back. Until I was left breathing the air that she wasn’t also breathing. Until my soul felt crushed under the weight of another false promise.

I bought her some blue nail polish today and I got to watch her paint her piggies. It was intimate. It was sexy. It was innocent and it was playful and it was life. We watched a few minutes of a movie and we cuddled on the couch. We held hands. I kissed the top of her head and my lips never felt so at home. So true. So vibrant and worthy.   

When boyfriend came home she rushed out.

ME: Please come back. Please. Come. Back.  

HER: I’ll try.

I know what this means.

I’ll stay up until 3:00 am with the door unlocked waiting. Knowing she will never come through it. Yet still, waiting. What else is there?

Waiting.

Loving. Waiting. Crying. Waiting. Drinking.

I’ll fall asleep on the couch. Call into work sick. Door still unlocked. Still waiting. Remembering the tender moments shared and worshipping every instant. Every time her skin met mine. Every time her eyes touched me. Every time she sneezed and winked and inhaled her cigarette and opened her mouth to breathe. The time I whispered in her ear about how much I was in love with her and for a second, she smiled. Forever, I will live that smile.

“ I am so in love with you.”

Do you get it now? Do you understand how my life has changed? How everything that mattered a month ago now seems like a misplaced childhood toy. How this 30 days of trying to describe one thing has allowed me to display my life for you. Open and honest. Pathetic and humiliating.

I am in love and nothing can change the way I feel. Not a night out with the boys. Not a new girlfriend. Not all of these empty bottles littering my table and counter.    

I am wounded and only she can heal me. And she’s not going to heal me.