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Discussion of "Becoming a Man" by dogdeity11


2 wsells 6 years, 7 months ago Reply

Wow!

"He flew like buckshot over the sagging fence at the back of the barn, across the unkempt field, over Millers hill with the giant oak treeā€¦all the way down to Jesse James creek."

I don't know if you're a hillbilly or not but even your background paint adds to the reality of the picture you painted with this story. Great job - great cliffhanger or ending as the case may be.


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2 ShadowMan 6 years, 7 months ago Reply

Good job again, Dog. Excellent descriptive narrative and solid dialog, with a nicely done anthropomorphizing of the rifle. I liked it.


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1 dogdeity11 6 years, 7 months ago Reply

Wsells and Shadowman...thanks for the comments. I wasnt sure if this one was going to work or not, so I really appreciate the feedback.
p.s. haha...not a hillbilly. From Detroit!


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2 Grazi 6 years, 7 months ago Reply

Yeah I thought it was pretty damn good myself. I was debating with myself throughout most of it whether "she" was a gun, a whore, or a sheep lol, but wasnt at all positive until they went into the barn and he described the holes.
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I also enjoyed the description in the narratives, and agreed with the formatting of the dialog for the time and location that this story took place. However I most definitely did not see the last paragraph coming until the last sentence the the paragraph before... great stuff!
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P.S. There are Hatfields and I believe McCoys that live in Calvert County, Maryland. I believe its where they moved.


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2 dresdendoll 6 years, 7 months ago Reply

Interesting, Dog! My mind must totally be in the gutter...I thoughit it was going somewhere else and was thinking, "Woah, that's some twisted stuff..." (haha). Killer writing and interesting twist. I'm with Grazi, the whole sheep thing did cross my mind. I'm so ashamed *blush*.


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1 dogdeity11 6 years, 7 months ago Reply

Doll...you and Grazi are simply Baaaaaa Baaaaa Baaaaad!


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2 philly1 6 years, 7 months ago Reply

Great job dog... I really think you should write so much more.


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2 rico76sgirl 6 years, 7 months ago Reply

You are great at fleshing out your characters, Dog! The story had a definite rhythm of it's own and I enjoyed it immensely. Very deserving of the 5 star rating.
You sure snuck that ending on me !


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2 writerwannabe 6 years, 7 months ago Reply

That was simply f.... awesome!! I'm speechless, dog.


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2 nayrj84 6 years, 7 months ago Reply

that was delightfully uncomfortable. I LOVED IT.

So now what? huh? huh? huh?


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2 honeygloom 6 years, 7 months ago Reply

You definitly deserve to win with this one! The dialogue, description, and mood were all perfect. You are one of my favorites on this site:)


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2 nashvillebecker 6 years, 7 months ago Reply

This is how writing is supposed to be done.

My socks ain't down near the creek, or hangin' up for target shootin'. But they sure's hell ain't on my feet.

Carefully crafted characters. Consistent, separated individual voices. Wonderful duality of "her." Clean writing.

Best thing I've seen on here. Hands down.

In the interest of transparency, I voted on your story and I gave it a 5.


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2 Rockbilly 6 years, 7 months ago Reply

Nice twist man nice twist. I had the gun figured out back about the second time you called it a her; but the shooting of Bo... you got me! Good job...

Rockbilly


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2 j_clone 6 years, 7 months ago Reply

love the dialogue as always and the twist. Good job!


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2 Wizardknows 6 years, 7 months ago Reply

Yeah, sounds like it was based on a true story. Has that country feel to it. I thought Mr. Hatfield did a real good job of bringing us along for the ride. Hope it gets continued.

Wizardknows


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2 xfionax 6 years, 7 months ago Reply

This was great. The end surprised me lol. I wrote another chapter just for the fun of it. Hopefully I don't mess it up too much lol.


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2 mari7789 6 years, 7 months ago Reply

I have to agree with the comments, this was so vivid I had to wonder if it was real. It really does deserve to win this one. (even though none of care about the stupid contest it would be nice to see you win;-)


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2 ORL13 6 years, 7 months ago Reply

Brilliant, I didn't expect that ending at all(like you need to hear that again.) I can see that I still have a long way to go as a writer.


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2 Wizardknows 6 years, 7 months ago Reply

Thank you for taking the time to send me your comment on my SHED story.

Guess I should have made it clear at the beginning that this is a true story and that's where it actually ended. I have no idea what happened inside that bloody shed! Sorry. But now that I have it down in writing, I am giving thought to adding a final, fictional chapter.

Thank you again

Manny


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2 boobiewalker 6 years, 4 months ago Reply

I found this to be a very, very sexy story. I'll admit, I was visibly aroused as I read through the piece. The pacing was firm. I gave it a 5 and contacted the site administrators to see if they could arrange special circumstances in which I could give you a 6. Anything less is insulting.


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