Discussion of "A Modern Horror - 3" by dkk4510

Great job, Dkk. Now we know who the suspect is. Psychosis has also been introduced to make the character and his mother that much more interesting.

Thanks, I had hoped the fact that Johnny Ray called the doll "Mommy" came across clearly.

Interesting chapter - thanks for keeping it short - was a little intimidated to try to match the myriad of pages produced in the first two. :)

One concern - the voice of the characters didn't quite match that of the first couple chapters - Clarence had formerly come one really strong, and here he seems bumbling and shy, and Mark and Bryan both had more of a refined speech pattern before. I understand a bit of a slide in the midst of an emergency, but this was quite extreme.

I'm not too sure about the villain - seems a little too cliche? I mean, a greasy, shadowy guy in the middle of a family cul-de-sac seems the obvious choice of a bad guy - wouldn't that be the first thought of police and parents? Would have been nice to have a little more mystery to it.

However, this makes it more fun to try and mash! Thanks!

I know about being intimidated trying to follow such long stories, can be hard.

I really liked the scene with Trina in that you conveyed how alone and lonely she is in all this along with the permeating chill. I would have enjoyed seeing more of her and how things are developing on her end, but it was a short chapter, so I understand why you chose not to spend a lot of time on her.

I do like that we're seeing more of the villain, but I do have a nit-picky bit here... When he talks to the parents, he came in like James Dean (I could just see the black motorcycle jacket with the collar turned up), smoothly inserting subversive ideas to an already volatile situation. When he's alone in his home, however, his personality is severely regressed, with child-like vocal rhythms and behavior. The two images don't mesh - a regressed nutcase would be more likely to be extremely withdrawn - very shy, but nice enough to those who meet him. But you portrayed him as charismatic enough to sway a bunch of paranoid parents (as Shad said, a greasy, shadowy figure would be a prime suspect, so he must have had some really charismatic smooth-talk to get those parents convinced). So in public he had a dominant sort of personality, but in private he was extremely submissive. The two just don't go together.

I do like your work, Dkk, so don't take this as a discouragement. That's certainly not how it's intended. Like I said, I really enjoyed parts of this chapter, especially the 'cold' scene with Trina. I'm looking forward to seeing where the story goes from here - you've given the next writers a launching board with this villain, and I can't wait to see how he develops from here.

Thanks for commenting both shadinah and Aggeloi.
Now about the conflicting, cliche type, personality of Johnny Ray, well I guess it's up to the next writer. But Aggeloi, I really wanted to show off the difference in his mind and manner with the neighbors vs. @ home, so all though it confused you, it was the direction I was aiming at.

shadinah, no I don't think it would be the first thought of the neighbors and parents, because of the increased focus on Trina. A neighbor at the end of the road, seemingly quiet and keeping to themselves just wouldn't raise concern in my eyes. There are always news reports states the 'witness' as saying "he was such a nice guy, always kept to himself..." So I don't know, maybe it didn't work, but for me it played out well.

Anyways, if I have been in a better healthy state at the moment I would have delved more deeper into Trina's voice and refined Johnny Ray and the others,but I didn't so oh well! ;) Thanks for the comments everyone, and don't worry about ti Aggeloi and shadinah, this country girl's got thick skin! lol

Loved: "...mid snot sniffling motion."

Though I like the idea of the cold consuming Trina, the paragraph showing it was so rough, the meaning got lost in the muddle. You have a great sense of description, which really shows when you take the time to go back and eliminate errors. I know you're recovering, so no worries for now. But we are all here to help one another grow and learn. I'd like to see your work shine, my dear. And to shine, it needs a bit of polishing.

On a lighter note - I loved the memories of Billy. You did really well getting us to care for the poor victim. So far, he was a random kid and the readers, hopefully, had a sense of relief regarding the more prominent children in the story. In this chapter, you made him into a more prominent child. (With the short scene of him trying to be James Bond, and then with Trina's memories of him.) Now, the readers will want to care about him as they care about Bridget and Maggie.

I do agree with some of the others that some of the characters have lost their voices a bit. Granted, a lot has happened to everyone in the course of a day. However, I think the greatest contrast was Mark and that the contrast was too great. His tirade at the end of the scene with the gathered parents didn't fit him. It seemed... childish, immature. Yes, he is struggling with his own fears and his own grief. But he is also the mature, clear headed cop and father - a possible hero to the kids and to Trina. He needs to keep his head. That said, now that the chapter is published, it does open up a challenge to the next writer regarding his character - giving it depth and tying in the tirade. Or they could simply skip over it entirely. :) Their choice.

In regards to your baddie. I'm still not sure about him. He has a different voice completely from the original "nosy neighbor" in the previous chapter. Which, again, opens up possibilities to the next writer. Is it the same man with very complex mental issues? Or are there two baddies living on the cul-de-sac? Hmm... the thought plickens. I mean, the plot thickens. :)

While you did leave some questions and some challenges for continuation - which is a good thing - you also did well in moving the story along and investing reader emotion in Billy and strengthening reader sympathy for Trina. Can't wait to see where this one goes next. Well done, Dkk. Hope you are feeling better!

Thanks JD, I always take your comments to heart.

Dkk, there isn't much I can find to add to the comments above. You got some good, in-depth critique. JD and I had the same favorite description in this one.

I did have trouble with why the parents would believe a not-often seen neighbor, barely recognizable to the group, especially if he may be giving borderline illegal suggestions.

But you put a face on our villain (or one of our villains?) and that is great progress for this chapter.

Hope you are doing better. I wish you a speedy recovery.

Thanks Djinn