Discussion of "Death Benefit" by djinndarme

Ooooh. I like it. Held me fixed the entire time. I like the pacing and mystery. The way the scene is set leaves enough to the imagination and much more is left for further exploration. I'm very intrigued.

You got a good balance of dialogue and narration; t'good. I'd have to say I'd've preferred a little more description, but, you know, we're all different. I just think a couple of metaphors would set the scene nicely.

Either way, the story was tight, and well paced, and I thoughouly enjoyed it.

Thanks for reading! Sorry about the delay in responding, but I posted the story right before I had to jump on a plane. Once I posted it, I thought, "I could have described the body or the narrator more." The next chapter will fill in the blanks.

Glad you both enjoyed.

Hebe, I tried to leave enough loose ends for anyone that would like to explore further. Hope someone will decide to add the next. If not, I may have another go.

Luke, description is something of a struggle for me, seems I either do too much or too little. Somewhere, I'll find a balance. :-)

Wow - this was incredible. I wish more people had a chance to read it - it would have been nice to see it in the contest. It was very well written - I agree that you could have been more descriptive. One thing that I questioned was the gender of Jaime. I liked it that you left it ambiguous, but I think that if you were going to specify it, it should have been in the begining. You left a lot of angles open here, and I've got to say, I am fascinated, and can't wait to hear more! 4.5

Thanks, Shadinah! I really like this storyline too and I may add another chapter to it. Actually, I did give the narrator a gender in the last paragraph. ("No longer would I play the grieving son...")

Hope you'll read more. Thanks again, I appreciate your comments!

Intrigue! I'll put this on my list of prospects for a continuation.

To paraphrase a famous SM author and friend, "I don't how I missed this when you first posted it!"

Wow. Back in the days when SM sponsored contests, as shadinah stated, this would surely have been among the selections.

Aside from your usual excellence in writing skills, this is a great story. I'm surprised no one mashed it way back...a year and a half ago? lol. I didn't see the lack of detail that some mentioned. I didn't miss anything at all!

Well, now it's going to get its rightful continuation because alharris chose it for his first mash in the new project. I think that's great!

Thanks, WWB! I'm going to read Al's continuation now.

Djinn, you did a wonderful job developing your character throughout. The last part, about the final scene, was brilliant. It left this open to so many wonderful opportunities. I can't wait to see where this goes. :)

Thanks, JD! I really like this story and am so glad to see it mashed. Sorry it took so long to reply. Too... many... projects...

Ok, kinda mad that I haven't read this one before and now that it's part of the Masher Round, I wish I could have been the first one to mash off of it! Every bit of it was full of mystery and some sence of...magic? Talk of bringing back the dead and all. Outstanding, now when is it my turn?!

So glad you like it DKK! Can't wait to see where it goes in the next chapters.

I love magic; I hope this story turns out to be chock full.

This has to be one of the most efficient chapters I've read in a long time. I don't agree with the people who want more detail -- there was nothing wasted here. I wouldn't say it was bare-bones... but every word had it's purpose and you laid out background information, developed a character, and set up a story that made me immediately want more. Also, it was a great story for mashing because you left a lot of openings for people to pick up. Why did the family have to run? Why does Jamie hate his dad? How is the father resurrected? What happened to Jamie's mum? All around, a great first chapter and some stellar writing.

Dunno how much newness I can add, djinn, but I concur that this was a spectacular opener. It's quick and simple like a slap in the face - and it leaves as much of an impact.

The Twilight Zone vibe is fascinating and you capture it without going hokey. Nice crafting. Sure, you could've elaborated and directed further, but it's sufficient and works perfectly for this project. I'll take quality over quantity nine times out of ten. Nice job.

What I particularly liked is the twist in the very last paragraph. It's easy to start forming theories - witness protection, an elaborate con, etc - but all the theories I'd formed turned on their head at that last paragraph. Well done!

I am so glad we're doing this project! I posted this chapter over a year ago and it has really helped me to revisit it.

Thanks for all the feedback, guys!