Discussion of "Dual Control" by djinndarme

What I enjoyed most about this was Brenda's nonchalance about the hand. The first mention is easy to overlook, as it's hard to surmise whether Wallace is using "find a severed hand in the night depository and it was hotter than Satan’s bathwater" as an exaggeration for the heat; I overlooked it the first time and only remembered it on the reread. That would've bugged me, except Brenda's reaction to the ordeal seems somehow casual too. I like. I almost wonder if the bigger calamity is _still_ the lack of a/c.

Some great lines - blouse clinging like a frightened child, voice like good toffee, the heat and estrogen combo, Wallace's vow to lose 20 pounds. Quality.

Classic mystery setup. Crime's been committed. Most of the characters are introduced, with a few night depositers still to be introduced. Pair o' cops assigned to sort the mess. Heat, both literal and figurative. All the ingredients are present for a tasty whodunit stew. Provides direction, but leaves it open enough to avoid corraling.

Unsure if "He tried not to notice" was intentionally left un-punctuated. I doubt it, and I suspect there was originally another clause to that paragraph.

I'm curious to see if the continuing authors can maintain your voice. Without knowing you were the writer, I would have guessed this was written by a woman. Not a bad thing; merely a flavor. What say you, WB? That enough of a challenge, or shall I add something like a jet ski? (Oh, look at that! I just did!)

Jet-ski? Jet-ski? You want me to add a jet-ski! I can add a jet-ski, all right!


Eh...not worth it.

You crack me up, WBS.

Ack!

I didn't mean to leave "He tried not to notice" unpunctuated or unfinished. My intent was to come back and finish it with something like "how much better her suit fit than his." I hope anyone reading this will mentally delete the phrase.

The nonchalance was on purpose, though. I had Wallace pictured as a "having seen it all" kind of cop. SSDD.

And Brenda?

I've been in her situation (minus the hand, of course). At work in the middle of the summer when the a/c conked out and I'd have been hard pressed to expend the energy to freak out about much of anything.

It was all I could do not to add a colorful Southern cuss word.

Looking forward to the next author's contribution.

Hey djinndarme,

I see why Nash picked your submission as the start chapter.

I have always envied your ability to convey a story that captures a reader's attention. Great lead off here. Your characters are all people we have seen before. Nash's critique nailed it(seems as if he always does...I really am beginning to think he is a genius)and your chapter has everything needed for the beginnings of a great story.

Job well done.

Thanks, TBH. So good to see you here again.

I'm also looking forward to your project...

Great opening chapter! Good pacing here. I like your use of metaphors. It's interesting that the culprit did not steal the bracelet, which (in my mind) is another mystery in and of itself. It's pretty genius that you left that for the reader to wonder about on his own, without having one of the characters come right out and mention it. It poses all kinds of questions. Did the hand chopper not realize how valuable the bracelet was? Or, did he/she think it was not a genuine Tierner but a fake? Looking forward to reading the next chapter. Nice work!

Thanks, Norcia. I'm hoping someone will address the bracelet. Who knows? Maybe the hand chopper put the bracelet there before dumping it.

I'm also looking forward to meeting the other suspects.

Man, this is a great classic detective fiction starter. Love it. So many clues, suspects, a good ol boy detective whose seen it all, grizzled and chubby. Awesome.

Thanks, Cheese. I can't wait for the continuation.

great work man. I am excited to read the next chapter. My goodness, who could it be?

There's some writers whose work never disappoints, and you're definitely one of them. Been a fan of yours since Spinning Redemption. (How long ago was that?) Anyway, this was a great opening chapter. Lots of great characters to work with. A mystery that can be taken in so many directions. No surprise that NB picked this one to kick his project off. Great job!

Thanks, Wolfram. Wow, Spinning Redemption was... two years ago? Yikes!

I love a good mystery and I'm looking forward to seeing how this ends.