want to participate?
login or register

Discussion of "How to Seduce a Straight Girl" by dis69tortion

1 hebe6405 8 years ago Reply

I was lost in the word jungle very early on. I didn't get very far before I had to stop for fear of never finding my way back home.
Your paragraph:
…I wondered why I had moved back to here.
Then I remembered. I was going to college at the expense, and the insistence, of my parents. Though they, old and lame as they seemed, meant well, I preferred the slightly larger amount of freedom I had when I lived at an address more than just within a short amount of driving distance away from them. I had been hired along with about a little more than a dozen other people.
An idea for rewrite:
I wondered for a minute why I had moved back, but then I remembered.
I was going to college at the expense (and the insistence) of my parents. Though they seemed old and lame, they meant well. I preferred the freedom I had when living further away; but passing up the free ride through college wasn’t exactly an option. To give myself an illusion of freedom, I found a job at a small café.

I was attracted to your story by the title. I feel bad I didn’t get very far in reading though. I did not vote.

  hidden comment from hebe6405 with score of 1
2 hebe6405 8 years ago Reply

Thank you for going through all my stories and scoring them lower. That was very thoughtful.

  hidden comment from hebe6405 with score of 2
1 TumbleThorn 3 years, 8 months ago Reply


  hidden comment from TumbleThorn with score of 1
Add Comment