The story so far:
"We are as one." a tiny voice spoke from the grown womans mouth. "Checklist as follows. Gold Connections are Green. Diamond Connections are Green. Stellar Energies are at maximum. Aquatic and Atomic veins and blood are nominal. Godista Ataquisan Memory Download at sevety five percent and rising. Bloody Impulse, Dimensional, Universal, and Planetary Drives are Green. The merging is complete, and soon, Father. Very, very, VERY soon Father. You and I shall fight." A soft, slightly adorable voice glowed as the bright black circiuts finally cooled and sank beneath the glass.
In a growling flash of light, she bolted through a nearby tear in Space Time, and found herself in the new mind twisting Forest that was the Dimension between Dimensions. She saw the feathery figures that was the army of Reapers that floated silently, just outside the boundries of the forest. Their skullish faces looking greedily for the next soul to try and cross their paths.
She walked towards one of them, and it slashed away at her with its scythe, wailing like a banshee as it did so.
It did nothing to her.
She smiled and laughed.
The Reaper looked first at her.
Then to it's scythe blade and ran a boney thumb against the Spectral Blade.
Then back at her.
It crowed curiously as it slowly reached outward to touch her sternum.
She shuddered as she felt the finger trace a path from the top of her sternum to her belly and press inward.
"You do not fear death?" It asked in a terribly old voice.
"I fear nothing, for I have not been taught to fear. My memories are of those long passed, some more recently then others, and that of my Mothers final wishes to be reunited with her Husband. But I do not wish this, I only wish to fight and kill him, to take his mind into my own." She replied oddly.
The Reaper looked to either side to see if its bretheren had taken notice of the new development.
They had not, only staring outwardly like the sentries they had become over the last few hundreds years.
"You would like to escape this mundane task of yours?" She asked hollowly, her lips curling as the Reaper creaked and crowed nervously, Not knowing what to make of this strange person and her offer.
It then thought hard, searching its long and ancient memory for a time when a soul dared asked such a foolish question, and the consequences of the merging.
There was no such event in its mind.
"Yes. What shall I call you, foolish soul?" It asked, its Nonexistent guts rumbling with a ravaging hunger that deftly tempted it to attack the person once again.
"You may call me... Cagodista Aquivan, and what is your name Reaper?" cagodista asked eagerly.
"I have a name that no tongue, Existent, Nonexistent, Corporeal or not can pronounce."
Cagodista became annoyed. "Just **** tell me you ancient friggin coat hanger!"
"It is... Bob. Bob Jones."
"...That is **** simple."
"... It makes me sad." Bob noted horribly as his being merged with hers.
The Reapers scythe becoming her fingernails.
The cloak becoming her hooded robe.
Bob's bones forming cover for her naked body.
"HEY! WATCH THE HANDS AND RIBS!"
"My apologies Cagodista."
She smiled slightly, the rough bones becoming a perfectly fitting armor.
The skull becoming a snug fitting helmit.
"Now.... I shall be known as Cagodista Reaper!"
And with that, the new born fusion of Strands, the Unborn Child, and a spirit of Death itself rocketed towards the Hyperwolf, currently being tortured by billions of bad jokes, lame puns, and horribly bright and clashing golf outfits.
The Hyperwolf flailed about, like a helpless fish being used as a tennis ball at a match held in the desert. The comedians had gone from Jimmy Kimmel funny to a nightmarish version of a zombified Carrot Top using political bulletins as jokes while pantomiming.
"DEAR GOD! MAKE HIM STOP! WHY WON'T HE STOP!?" He screamed with a fretful waving of his hands and feet.
Blake looked unsympathetically at the groups oppenent, and slung his chainshurikens hard and fast as the floating beast.
"Tsusharingutsu: Deceased Laughing Penguin!" Skylar shouted, his eyes turning a bright orange as the comedians stopped telling jokes and clambered forward with their merchandise on hand.
"Buy our stuff... We really want you to." They moaned unconvincingly, holding their club worn elbows stiff like two skateboarding tweens after a traffic stunt gone horridly wrong.
Blake looked at Bobby.
Bobby at Daniel.
And Daniel at Skylar.
Skylar simply looked at his target, his eyes now a pinwheel of strange patterns and colors that mixed together and segregated when their meals were undercooked. This didn't make the local Bakery very happy, because their donuts were meant to be undercooked, regardless of the saftey standards set by the FDA.
This did nothing to help the Hyperwolf who currently had ten different neckties emblazoned with the faces of all the horrible comics. They all exploded in a horrible fury as he fell to the soft grassy field with a meteor hard crack. In the comics place was a single dead penguin with a Chelsey Grin painted on its face. This disturbed the Hyperwolf immensely, as he wasn't really used to seeing penguins in clown make up, nor for that matter, a single dead penguin with clown make up on. It's glossed over eyes simply staring up at him with a look on unknown terror.
"Why did you bring this move out?" The Hyperwolf asked curiously as he prodded the dead bird with a tree branch.
The other three wanted to know the same thing.
Skylar, in a panic, searched his mind for another appropriate attack to use.
"Tsusharingutsu: Moderately Appropriate Funeral Bazooka!" He shouted as a tiny carivan of the penguins closest family and friends grew out of the ground, rising like annoyed spectres trying to find their glasses in the dark and stubbing their toes.
"Damn... That's just worng." Daniel commented as he let his Bloodline Limit upgrade itself. His bone armor turned to rubber duckies.
This pleased Bobby easily, and he rubbed his hands together maniacly, trying to figure out the best way to squeak one of them without Daniel noticing.
Daniel ignored the momentary idiocy as the Hyperwolf regained his composure, created a few extra arms, each of varying length, and did a slew of hands signs before smiling wikedly underneath the black visor.
"Chernyi? lebed? rekviem : Zlo kuklovod!" He slowly said, his voice turning into a void of darkness that shattered the plantlife around them into tiny Joss Whedon statues, and then promptly set them on fire for no reason at all. He then spread out his arms, tiny blue glowing strands of violent red energy sticking to the shards of the forest that hadn't been made into horrific version of the director and cobbled together marionette versions of Blake, Bobby, Daniel, and Skylar.
"You think that a few billion horrible jokes and a dead penguin in make up is enough to scare me!?" Morgan shouted, his voice somewhat distorted and muffled beneath the mask.
Bobby struggled to understand what he was trying to say. "Do we think that Jillian Michaels is batshit crazy?"
Daniel shot him a look, "DON'T ANSWER THAT! Dont even mutter her name. That bitch stiffed me ten bucks for gas one time."
"I think we have bigger things to worry about! Skylar! Use that eye thingamajiggy on them!"
Skylar gave Blake that suggested that he stick a scorpion up something very, very, unpleasant. "Tsusharingutsu: Laughing Hyena's Dinner Molding to Operatic Symphonies!"
The puppet version of Skylar repeated the same move, and instantly, there were two moldy dinner rolls slamming eachother with sledge hammers.
"I think the puppetsare going to mirror us! DAMN IT! WHERE THE **** ARE NORDAFET AND ANTIMO!?" Bobby shouted angrily, just as the duo fell out of nowhere, with the Puppet King and the Bloody Knight in tow.
"WHERE THE **** HAVE YOU TWO BEEN!? We've got puppets, molding dinner rolls, dead penguins, and **** Carrot Top coming at us from all sides, and you two douches have to show up right when everything goes to HELL IN A HANDBASKET!" Bobby shouted.
Barney Fife, the Puppet King as titled by the Great Mouth, punched him square in the face.
"Shaddup. Let me show you WHY they call me the Puppet King." He said calmly. "Gris cadena mágica: Millones de toneladas de araña: Ocho patas del ejército!"
His oaken chest opened outwards, releasing thunderous amounts of string that blackened the skies.
They twisted, tightened, circled, knotted, and joined together to form a massive Himilayian Mountain range sized spider.
Its madibles clicking madly as it slammed all eight of its colossal legs onto the Hyperwolf at once.
"You use insects to fight your battles!?" He raged as the black visor roared to life, sharks teeth growing out of the base and firing massive battleship like salvos at the wooden spider, merely making meaningless cracks in its horrendously huge body. The spider looked down at the Hyperwolf with a little bit of pretense, and thought carefully about its next move.
It then remember a Facebook message it recieved from its cousin, the hypergiant sized bluewhale, Who told of simply rolling over a little to the left, and smashed the Puppet King deep into the ground, then rolling a little to the right. The massive spider, remembering this, laid down on its back, much to the nightmarish terror of Barney Fife.
"WHAT THE **** ARE YOU DOING! THIS IS NO TIME TO BE MIMICKING YOUR FRIGGIN COUSIN YOU BIG DUMBASSED DIPSHIT!" He shouted in fright. The spider, simply thought about this massive waste of energy, and simply stepped on the Hyperwolf with one leg, balanced on top of it, hopped a few times, driving the tiny person a few miles into the ground with each one.
After it felt that its task was done, it flipped off the Puppet King, and unsummoned itself.
Because frankly, it had a root canal scheduled to remove a tiny bit of steak it had gotten stuck from last nights meal.
Bobby simply smiled, because he was pleased at this development.
"So... That was your big plan? Build a giant puppet to step on him a few times, then give you the finger and go poof?" The human laughed insidiously.
Barney simply slapped him hard. "Shaddup. Lets see if you can do any better."
The human smiled brightly and brought out a dog whistle.
He blew into it hard.
A few miles away at a quaint little Bed and Breakfast, Gandalf and the Balrog were enjoying some sloppy eggs, brunt to a crisp bacon, a garden salad with a dastardly evil Adam West accent, and some orange juice queezed from the local Sloppy Joe cook. Gandalf heard at once the whistles ear peircingly annoying tone, as did the Balrog.
From past experience, he knew that shouting at things never really helped, and so chose to resist jumping into the fray. The Balrog, became excited at the noise and started to get up from his seat. Gandalf placed a hand on the burning coal red hand of his friend, and eyed him carefully.
"It will always be, as it has in the past, that we will go towards into the battle with cries of war, and raging souls that desire nothing less than absolute victory Dear Friend. But... I think for the time being, our presence in their adventures, must be limited to a scant few apearances. Pass the mustard. The garden salad is giving me the look again." The wizard thoughtfully explained.
A second blast of the whistle roared into the room, and the Waiter handed them their bill.
Gandalf handed the Waiter his Mastercard. A few minutes later, a third and fourth blast from the dog whistle erupted into the duos ears.
The Waiter came back with a dark, murderous fury in his eyes,and slapped the old man across his beard covered face.
The Wizard stood up to his full height, gathering a full chest of wind, raised both his stalves, as dark fog rolled in from the windows and gathered around him.
Anger, hatred, and wisdom of the ages erupted from Gandalf's lips.
"YOU SHALL NOT BE TIPPED!" He roared.
The Balrog repeated his old friends gestures and roared something similiar, but took away a lot of the meaning. "WE SHALL DINE AND DASH!"
"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" The waiter roared, but couldn't stop the monstrosity from tearing his tiny head off.
The garden salad, was secretly pleased, and rubbed its leafs together.
Bobby waited a few minutes, and threw the whistle away just as the two slowly sauntered into the fray.
"No. I don't wish to."
"Maybe." The old wizard raised his stalf as the fog followed suit, the puppet version of Daniel instantly formed a ten thousand caliber sniper rifle, aimed it at the poor unfast person, and shot a round that would've made a black hole **** itself.
"GANDALF!" The Balrog raged as it bolted towards the puppet Daniel and slammed its hand full force into the marionette's body, splintering it with a mighty roar.
"You... shall... NOT... PASS GO NOR COLLECT TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS!" Were the last words of Grandlaugh the now incredibly inept.
Gandalf became irritated that his idiot brother would steal his one powerful line. "You... ****... Mor-" He couldn't finish his sentence as he passed away.
Bobby, easily pleased, was pleased yet again by this turn of events. T
The Hyperwolf, having climbed out of the ten mile deep hole in the ground, changed his attire to a loose fitting shirt and a pair of slacks held up by what Skylar hoped was a cod piece.
He was very annoyed. "Tsusharingutsu: Black Hole's violent explosive death." He muttered under his breath.
His whole form dissapating into a solid mass of giant, red and yellow striped crows, with massive pieces of cherry pie stabbed through them.
The Hyperwolf dispatched the Balrog with seventyfive well placed stabs to various joints, finishing it off with a knee to its throat that crushed his wind pipe.
The Balrog, struggling for enough breath, waddled its way towards Gandalf's corpse, and placed its head against the old man's bird cage like ribs.
"I told you it would be special..." It coughed as the last of its energy was spent.
Morgan looked at the readouts the in-helmet display shot out, one after another.
"This... This can't be right. Skylars actually got enough power to beat me in this one shot!?" he exclaimed to himself, "That's only if the attack connects though." He smiled inwardly. 'The Chasm doesn't know I'm really just biding my time, and those six... Eight idiots don't realizing they're actually helping me in the medium to long run... Perfe-'
"GOD DAMN IT!" The Hyperwolf shouted as ten sharp scythes ripped though his body, barely leaving his spine intact. "So... you're the result of the Highlander Event?" He asked knowingly as he coughed up some bright blue blood, saddened by this outcome.
"Yes, yes I am... Father."
This development, though unexpected, blew the four humans minds all at once.
"Wh-what!? What do you MEAN Highlander Event!? And you have a kid!? When the Hell did this happen!?" Skylar shouted, caught off guard.
The Hyperwolf, still reeling from his wounds, had to sit on a nearby shattered Joss Whedon statue.
He took a deep breath and started to explain. "I didn't feel the need to tell you, because it might've distract from your Training. Also, the Highlander Event started when the Golden Strands defeated one of his own kind, as he was one of the six original Strands. Somewhere along the way, Caasi was tranformed into the Dread Queen, and from there, she became known as the Bloody Strands thanks in part to the Golden Strands meddling. After that, she became batshit crazy-"
Daniel agreed, "Just like Jillian Michaels."
"Exactly like Jillian Michaels! No one really knows how to workout with kettlebells. HER especially. Anyways," The Hyperwolf continued, weirdly surprised that the resulting fusion would be so patient, as to let him finish his explanation. "The Bloody Strands went one level higher, and created a whole entire NEW Existence of **** Craziness..." He paused for effect, "Methed Out Silverback Gorilla **** Crazy. I don't know how or where, but she became pregnant with my seed... Mightve been the crazy party in Vegas involving the homeless Unicorn, two midgets, a pool of vodka jello, and Wayne Gretzky face masking of a beef eater-"
"And the result of the Highlander Event is what you see before you!" She laughed insideously.
"Who... Who are you?" Bobby asked, walking up to her.
"MY NAME IS CAGODISTA ATAQUISAN! FOOLISH HUMAN! DIE!"