TIME HOLDS STILL.  I REMEMBER WHEN SUMMER WAS LONG EVERLASTING HAT CURLING IN OZONE BROWN LIKE THE AURORA BOREALIS IF IT WERE CAUGHT IN THE DRAB OF FATIGUES LIKE ARMY UNIFORMS.  TIME MARCHED ON SO SLOWLY.  I REMEMBER ENDLESS WINTER WHITE AND CRISP BLUE ICICLES STUCK TO EAVES LIKE COLD SPIKES MELTING LIKE CANDY CANES TWISTED.  I REMEMBER THE SMELLS OF HONEY AND FLOWERS AND STICKY SWEAT WITH DEW DROPS AND DUSTY SUNLIGHT FILTERED THROUGH HAZE.  I REMEMBER THE SMELLS OF ICE AND WET EARTH WITH HINTS OF MULCH AND SOMETHING GREEN PINE NEEDLE PRICKLES AND MENTHOL.  SOMETHING ABOUT THE SOUND OF BIRDS AND BEES AND BUZZING CROAKING GUTTURAL NOISES THAT MAKE ME MISS THE QUIET CRUNCHING OF FROZEN STREAMS WITH SLIVERS OF LIFE GIVING TIDES SEEN CRAWLING BENEATH AND HIBERNATION. 

I RECALL THE DAYS LONG AND NIGHTS SHORT WHERE IT'S TOO HOT TO RUN BUT YOU CANNOT STAY STILL WITH LIFE MOVING, HURTLING TOWARD THEN MOVING PAST AND THE CONSTANT MOTION OF LIFE AND THE LAZY TONE OF BUZZING INSECTS THAT BITE AND SUCK AND FEED AND OF LIFE THAT MOVES AND CRAWLS AND SLITHERS FROM STONE TO SHADY STONE IN SEARCH OF THE PERFECT PLACE TO RELAX FROM THE HEAT OF THE SUN WITH THE COOL OF THE GRASS.  THE GRASS WAS A BIT MORE CRUNCHY THAN MOIST AND IT SCRATCHED, ALMOST FELT ITCHY ON THE SKIN, AND COULD HAVE CUT SOMEONE BACK. 

I RECALL THE DAYS SHORT AND NIGHTS LONG WITH HOWLING WIND AND LAUGHING TREES SHAKING THE LAST OF THEIR LEAVES AWAY WITH A GIANT GUFFAW.  THE SNAPPING OF SMALLER BRANCHES AND THE RESOUNDING OUCH OF NESTS THAT HAD FALLEN OR BEEN SHOOK AND THE SNAPPING OF THE WIND BECAUSE OF COLD AND DRY AND LACY SNOW CRUNCHING BENEATH THE FEET OF OTHERWISE SILENT INTRUDERS INVADING THE DOMAIN. 

MORE AND MORE MY MEMORIES RUN TOGETHER IN LUXURIOUS LINES WITH SWIRLS AND FLOURISHES RECALLING STREAMS AND RIVERS THAT FLOW SWIFTLY BUT TENDERLY AND DELICATELY TOWARD THE OCEAN OR LAKE.  IT IS AS THOUGH I AM PAYING ATTENTION BUT AM ALSO MEANDERING DOWN CURVACEOUS PATHS THAT TAKE ME IN CIRCULAR MOTIONS INWARD TOWARD THE CENTER OF MYSELF AND THEN MAGICALLY RADIATE OUTWARD TOWARD THE ABYSS.  NO NOT AN ABYSS BECAUSE IT IS FILLED WITH WHATEVER I WISH TO FILL IT SO IT CANNOT BE AN ABYSS IT CAN ONLY BE SOMETHING OTHER SOMETHING OF MY MAKING AND OF MY CREATIVITY AND MIND AND SOUL.  HENCE IT IS FULL BUT NOT FILLED AND THERE BUT NOT COMPLETELY AND ALIVE BUT WITHOUT A PULSE OF ITS OWN TO GUIDE IT TOWARD GREATNESS.  IT IS BEYOND YET IN MY GRASP AS IT IS WITHIN YOURS YET UNKNOWN TO YOU AS I HAVE NOT NAMED IT.  IT MERELY IS RATHER SORT OF A THING THAT IS BUT RATHER SORT OF IS NOT BECAUSE IT HAS NO NOTION OF EXISTING AND SINCE I HAVE NOT NAMED IT, NOR TOLD IT THAT IT IS HERE IT IS NOT HERE.  THOUGH I CAN TOUCH IT.  I HAVE SEEN IT.  IT IS INCREDIBLE AND POWERFUL AND IT IS WEAK AND UNSCHOOLED AND UNFINISHED AND I DO NOT QUITE KNOW WHAT IT IS OR HOW TO BRING IT COMPLETELY INTO THIS WORLD. 

I HAVE THE OVERWHELMING FEAR THAT I WILL NOT BE COMPLETE WITHOUT IT BUT THAT WITH IT I WILL BE TORN ASUNDER.  SO I HAVE PUT OFF NAMING AND CALLING UPON IT FOR THE TIME BEING AND SO TIME IS STILL. 

WHAT IF IT SEES A MIRROR?  CAN IT NAME ITSELF?  WHAT WOULD IT CALL ITSELF IF NOT MONSTER?  O COMPLETE AND UNDONE, HAVE I EVEN EXPLAINED MORTALITY TO IT?  IF IT WERE TO BE NAMED, WOULD IT KNOW ABOUT LIFE AND LIVING AND HAVE I NEGLECTED TO MENTION DYING AND IF I DID NOT GIVE IT AN END WILL IT JUST GO ON AND ON?  HAVE I ONLY GIVEN IT SENSORY INPUT?  IT KNOWS WHAT BEAUTY IS - OR AT LEAST MY DEFINITION OF BEAUTY.  IT KNOWS WHAT POWER IS - BUT IT IS ONLY MY DEFINITION.  IS THE WAY I PERCEIVE THE WORLD GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANOTHER?  WHAT IF SOMEONE ELSE SEES WHAT I HAVE DONE - COULD ANOTHER NAME WHAT I HAVE MADE AND POURED MY YOUTH INTO AND TRAIN MY CREATURES TO BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN A PART OF ME?  WOULD ANYONE GIVE IT SUCH A NAME AS I?  WOULD SOMEONE INSTILL SILLY FEARS AND WORRIES INTO THE ONE THING THAT I HAVE DONE SO PERFECTLY AND YET SO HASTILY AS TO QUESTION ITS VALUES?  SHOULD I QUESTION MY OWN VALUES? 

MY MEANDERINGS HAVE BECOME WILD AND NOW I AM STUCK IN A BLACK FOREST AND THE TREES ARE SO THICK THERE IS NO SKY AND IN THE DARKNESS THERE IS NO LIFE OTHER THAN ME THOUGH THERE IS THE SENSE OF SOMETHING UNDEAD AND EVIL AND EVER PRESENT AND I CANNOT ESCAPE THE EYES OF THE BEAST BE THEY YELLOW OR RED BUT DEFINITELY INHUMAN AND GLOWING LIKE A CAT'S.  MY BREATH IS ERRATIC AND I MUST COME OUT OF THIS BLACKNESS OF FEAR, TERROR REALLY, AND CROSS OVER INTO SOMETHING LIGHTER AND I'M SEARCHING FOR AN OPENING BUT I SEE ONLY PHANTOM SHADOWS RISING AND FALLING - UNDULATING AND I CANNOT HELP BUT THINK THAT I HAVE CREATED THIS INSANITY THAT CONSUMES ME.

 GREENER PASTURES HAVE ENGULFED ME JUST AS I FEARED THEY NEVER WOULD AGAIN AND ONCE AGAIN EVERYTHING IS RIGHT AS RAIN ON A COOL SPRING NIGHT.  NO MORE TALK OF NIGHT FOR I SEE A CLOUD ENCROACHING AND I JUST DO NOT THINK I COULD HANDLE ANOTHER MOMENT OF DARKNESS WHILE CRADLED IN LIGHT'S SWEET EMBRACE.  THE PASTURE IS GREEN AND THE FLOWERS ARE KNEE HIGH AND THEY SMELL OF CLOVER AND SWEET PEA AND THE SKY IS BLUE FLECKED WITH WHITE FEATHERY CLOUDS AND I AM IN SUCH RAPT BLISS THAT I BARELY NOTICE THE THORN THICKET I HAVE STEPPED INTO AND HOW I BLEED FROM THIS UNCOMFORTABLE MESS, THIS TANGLE OF UNPLEASANT POIGNANCY.  A HORSE IS CAUGHT.  A GALLANT STEED STRUGGLES IN THE THICKET AND THE MORE HE MOVES THE WORSE IT GETS AND HIS FLESH IS PEELING FROM HIS BODY AND HE WRITHES IN PRIMAL PAIN AND FEAR AND THEN THE THORNS ARE COVERING ME AND I AM BACK IN THE DARKNESS AND I CANNOT BREATHE BECAUSE I AM TRAPPED AND IT IS NOT THORNS BUT A BOX. 

IT IS SMALL AND CUBE SHAPED AND THERE ARE BARS THAT ARE SO CLOSE TOGETHER THEY BARELY SHED ANY LIGHT - JUST ENOUGH SO THAT I AM AWARE THAT I AM NOT ALONE.  THE GROUND IS MOVING, BREATHING, AND GRASPING AND THROBBING AND PULSATING WITH UNDULATING LIFE AND NOT OF THE GOOD SORT OF LIFE LIKE DOGS AND HORSES BUT OF FIENDS AND FIENDISHLY UGLY THINGS LIKE BUGS AND REPTILES AND THOSE REPTILIAN THIEVES WHO STEAL CHILDREN AND USE THEM AS TOYS TO DISCARD THEM WITH THE REST OF THEIR FILTH AND TRASH. 

LET ME OUT!  I AM NOT ONE OF THEM, MAYBE WE SHARE SIMILAR TRAITS - BUT I AM NOT THAT MUCH OF A HORRIBLE MONSTER AS TO POISON OTHERS AND I WOULD NEVER HARM CHILDREN OR WOMEN AND I WOULD HATE TO HARM MY FELLOW MAN EVEN THOUGH UNINTENTIONALLY AND FROM SAFE PLACES I MAY DO JUST THAT.  IT IS NOT AS THOUGH I ACTUALLY GO UP TO SOMEONE AND BLUDGEON THEM TO DEATH.  I HAVE NOT EVER SAID ANYTHING BAD ABOUT A FELLOW MAN EXCEPT UNDER MY BREATH OR IN THE STRICTEST OF CONFIDENCES.

I AM NOT A BAD PERSON AT ALL.  IN FACT I AM RELATIVELY CONFIDENT THAT I AM BETTER THAN MOST.  I AM POLITE, NEVER CURSE, NEVER WISH ILL ON ANYONE EXCEPT PRESENT COMPANY BECAUSE HOW CAN ONE SYMPATHIZE WITH COMPLETE SCOUNDRELS?  I WOULD NEVER PLAY JUDGE AND JURY.  I WOULD NEVER SEND A MAN TO BE EXECUTED WITHOUT A GOOD REASON.  I SUPPORT THE ARTS AND THE SCIENCES.  I AM REALLY A GREAT MAN.  I AM A MAN AMONG MEN AND SHOULD NOT BE NEAR THESE BEASTS.  I DO PERCEIVE A MOVING A DISTANCING FROM ME.  THE UNDULATING, PULSATING MESS QUIETS DOWN AND WHAT I CAN ONLY ASSUME TO BE AN AUTHORITY MOVES CLOSER.  IT IS AS THOUGH THE BARS HAVE LIFTED FOR A MOMENT AND I AM FREED.  NO LONGER A PRISONER IN MY OWN MIND IN MY OWN FEAR I AM LEFT TO EXPLORE MY PSYCHE FREELY ONCE AGAIN AND TO MEANDER WITHIN THE FOLDS AND CONFINES OF MY INFINITELY AMUSING BRAIN[RRL1] . 

IT BEGINS GRAY.  I WOULD CALL IT NOTHING, BUT GRAY IS SOMETHING.  I OFTEN CONTEMPLATED WHAT NOTHING WOULD BE LIKE.  GRAY IS SOMETHING.  MIST AND FOG ARE SOMETHING, BUT WHAT IS NOTHING?  HOW COULD SOMEONE THINK HE OR SHE EVEN THINK THEY CAN UNDERSTAND THE TRUE GRASP OF NOTHING?  HOW POWERFUL AND ALL ENCOMPASSING WOULD NOTHING BE - BUT HOW WEAK AND SMALL WOULD IT BE AND YET IT WOULDN'T ACTUALLY BE ANYTHING AT ALL.  IT BEGAN GRAY BECAUSE GRAY AND MIST AND FOG ARE AS CLOSE AN UNDERSTANDING OF NOTHING AS I CAN MUSTER.  I GUESS TO ME IT IS NOTHING BECAUSE, BEING EGOCENTRIC, IF I CANNOT SEE ANYTHING THEN THERE IS NOTHING TO BE SEEN AND NOTHING TO BE AWARE OF SO NOTHING TO FEAR AND NOTHING OF BEAUTY TO WONDER AT OR DELIGHT IN AND HENCE NOTHING.  IT IS AS THOUGH WHEN ASKED WHAT ONE IS DOING AND ONE SAYS NOTHING.  IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO BE DOING NOTHING.  YOU BREATHE, YOU WATCH TIME ELAPSE, YOU TWITCH, YOU MOVE, YOUR STOMACH PROCESSES FOOD AND YOUR LUNGS CONTRACT AND BLOOD PUMPS THROUGH YOUR VEINS AND ARTERIES AND YOU ARE CONSTANTLY DOING SOMETHING.  HOWEVER, TO YOU, YOU ARE DOING NOTHING BECAUSE YOU MAY JUST BE FIDGETING OR BREATHING OR RESTING BUT YOU DO NOT REALIZE ALL THAT GOES ON TO ALLOW YOU TO DO THESE THINGS.  PEOPLE JUST DO NOT REALIZE ENOUGH. 

HOW MANY THINGS ARE MISSED IN A DAY, IN A MINUTE, BY THE EYE - THE IMPERFECT EYE THAT CREATES IMAGES THAT ARE NOT THERE TO SATISFY A PICTURE THAT IS INCOMPLETE.  WOULD NOT IT BE BETTER TO HAVE A WELL TRAINED, ALL SEEING EYE?  COULD YOU CONTEMPLATE THE REALITY OF SEEING EVERYTHING?  THAT MEANS COBBLE STONES AND PEOPLE KISSING AND LITTLE SUBTLE NUANCES IN BODY LANGUAGE - AN EYE ROLL, A SLIGHTLY CURVED LIP, A MISCHIEVOUS GLANCE.  WHAT IF IT ALSO MEANS SEEING WHAT IS INSIDE A PERSON?  NOT THEIR ORGANS BUT WHAT MAKES THEM THEM - THEIR EMOTIONS? 

I DO NOT WANT TO SEE WHAT HIDES WITHIN MY FELLOW MAN.  I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW HOW PEOPLE PERCEIVE ME.  I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW HOW THEY THINK OR WHAT THEY THINK.  THE SHEER THOUGHT OF SHARING MORE THAN MY OWN IDEAS AND PREDILECTIONS IN MY MIND IS JUST TOO MUCH AND ONCE AGAIN I FEEL THE TIGHTNESS OF THE BARS IS TOO MUCH.  AGAIN I AM TRAPPED AND AGAIN I ASK FOR RELEASE. 

IT IS LIKE I AM SWIMMING AND FLOATING ON MY BACK LOOKING UP AT THE STARS AND IT IS PEACEFUL AND THEN SUDDENLY I AM UP IN THE STARS LOOKING DOWN AT THIS BODY OF WATER AND I FEEL SMALL AND ALONE AND VERY INSIGNIFICANT.  SUDDENLY I AM LOST AND I FEAR DROWNING IN MY SMALLNESS.  I CAN FEEL THE WATER SWELL AROUND ME AND PULL ME DOWN AND I AM A SINKING STONE AND THE WAVES ARE SO STRONG AND THE SKY IS SO LARGE AND THE WATER IS SO COLD AND THE BOTTOM IS JUST BLACK AND AGAIN I AM TRAPPED WITH THE BLACK CLOUDS BEING KICKED UP AROUND ME FROM MY PANICKING AND I AM A MESS OF NERVES AND A JUMBLE OF THOUGHTS ALL OF THEM DARK AND BROODING AND THEN THERE I AM IN REFLECTION CONSTANTLY REFLECTING LIKE LOOKING INTO A THOUSAND MIRRORS AND ALL I SEE IS MY REFLECTION - CALM AND TALL AND I FEEL SMALL AND WEAK.

 I AM EXPOSED.  I HAVE CALLED MYSELF A FRAUD FOR LOOKING SO IN CONTROL WHILE I AM SPINNING LIKE A TOP WITHOUT A CARE AND YET WITH A TRUE FEAR THAT THIS TOP WILL TOPPLE FROM ALOFT AND I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SURVIVE MY OWN DEMISE BY MY OWN HAND.  YET I AM NOT TRYING TO HURT MYSELF.  I WOULD BE AS LIKELY TO KILL MYSELF AS MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR.  IT IS NOT MY WAY.  BUT I KNOW THAT I WILL BE THE END OF ME.  I AM AS SURE OF THAT AS THE RISING SUN AND SETTING MOON.  I AM AS SURE OF THAT AS I AM THAT I WILL NEVER SEE A STAR UP CLOSE.

 I WAS NOT ALWAYS SO SCARED.  THE FRIGHT IS AN UNNAMED ONE THAT CONSUMES WHILE IT PROHIBITS AND INHIBITS MY EXPLORATIONS.  I DO NOT KNOW WHERE THE FEAR CAME FROM.  PERHAPS THIS IS WHAT I CREATED AND PERHAPS I SHOULD NOT CALL HIM FEAR.  HE IS TREMENDOUS AND ROTTEN AND ONE DAY HE WILL BE BEAUTIFUL AND SOFT SPOKEN.  PERHAPS THAT IS WHAT I MADE.  MORE LIKELY I MADE STRENGTH IN ALL OF ITS GLORY AND ALL THAT IS LEFT INSIDE OF ME KNOW IS FEAR.  SO I FEEL SMALL WHEN ONCE I FELT INVINCIBLE AND IT IS HORRIBLE STRANGE TO BE BIG AND THEN BE SO PETITE THAT YOU FEEL THUMBELINA COULD SQUASH YOU BENEATH HER DAINTY FOOT. 

YES.  THIS IS WHAT I MADE.  I TOOK MY STRENGTH AND MADE FEAR.  I TOOK THE BEST OF ME AND MADE THE WORSE COME OUT.  IS THAT NOT WHAT HAPPENS ANYWAY?  REMOVE THE BRUISED AND BATTERED HEART AND WHAT DO YOU HAVE LEFT IF NOT A SOULLESS, BROKEN MAN?  THIS IS MY LEGACY.  THIS IS WHAT I MADE. 

I DID NOT USE MY HEART AND KEPT IT FOR ME SELFISHLY AND NOW I CANNOT USE MY HEART SINCE IT ATROPHIED YEARS AGO.  THIS IS MY LEGACY.  THIS IS WHAT I MADE. 

SO IN THE FIELDS AND GABLES OF MY MIND WHERE I ONCE AMBLED I AM NOW COVERED IN DUST AND DIRT AND SCARED TO DEATH OF SOMETHING.  SOMETHING UNNAMED.  SOMETHING HORRIBLE.  WHAT IS IT THAT PUTS SUCH A FRIGHT IN ME AS TO CHILL ME STRAIGHT TO THE BONE?  WHAT HAVE I MADE THAT SCARES ME AND YET DELIGHTS SOME SECRET PART OF ME THAT I DO NOT DESTROY IT LEST IT DESTROYS ME AND PERHAPS THAT IS THE FEAR.  WHAT IF I AM DESTROYED REGARDLESS?  WHAT IF - SHALL IT LIVE, I DIE AND SHOULD IT BE SQUASHED I WOULD LOSE THE PART OF ME THAT I LOVED MOST?  I CANNOT LIVE UNDER THESE PRESENT CONDITIONS.  I CANNOT LIVE IN FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN BECAUSE IT IS NOT UNKNOWN.  AND I CANNOT GO BACK IN TIME AND TAKE BACK EACH PIECE OF ME THAT I USED TO CREATE MY DESTROYER - OR CAN I?  CAN I MAKE RIGHT WHAT HAS GONE SO DESPERATELY WRONG? 

DOWN THE AVENUES OF MY MIND I SEE A CROSSROADS.  I REMEMBER THIS WELL.  I HAVE GONE IN ALL DIRECTIONS.  I HAVE BEEN TO THE WEST WHERE THERE IS A FIELD.  THE FIELD HAS A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY GALLERY AND THE SMELLS OF HONEY AND JASMINE ARE INTOXICATING.  HUMMINGBIRDS FREQUENT THE AREA.  THE BRILLIANCE OF THEIR COLORS IS TRULY BREATHTAKING.  THE NORTH YIELDS WATER - LIKE THE OCEAN - VAST AND ICY.  THE SOUTH IS MOUNTAINOUS AND GLORIOUS - ALL THE PEAKS ARE COVERED IN FOG AND THE HEIGHT IS STAGGERING WHEN THE FOG CLEARS JUST ENOUGH FOR ONE TO LOOK DOWN.  THE PEAKS LOOK LIKE ISLANDS FLOATING IN THE SKY.  THE EAST LEADS TO A WATERFALL.  BATHING BEAUTIES SWIM BENEATH THE TIDES.  LIKE SIRENS THEY CALL AND TAUNT, BUT I KNOW BETTER THAN TO GIVE IN.  THEIR BEAUTY IS TO BE ADMIRED FROM A DISTANCE, CAREFULLY AND QUIETLY.  THE FOREST SURROUNDING THE FALL IS A LUSH GREEN FULL OF BUZZING INSECTS WITH TRANSPARENT WINGS AND LONG SNOUTS.  IT REALLY IS A WONDROUS PLACE - THE MIND THAT IS.  THERE IS SO MUCH LIFE - MORE THAN YOUR OWN THAT IS CREATED AND LIVES WITHIN.  I LOVE ALL MY CREATURES - EVEN THE ONES THAT WANT TO HARM AND SCARE ME.  THEY ARE MINE BECAUSE THEY ARE A PART OF ME. 

TODAY I WILL DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.  I WILL MAKE A DEAL WITH MYSELF AND BURY MY TREASURES IN THE DIRT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.  WILL DEMONIC I DENY MY ASKINGS OR WILL I BE ABLE TO MAKE A DEAL WITH MY OWN DARK SIDE SO THAT I CAN LIVE HAPPILY AGAIN?  SO I BURIED AND I WAITED AND NO ONE CAME.  SILLY ME.  WOULD I NOT BE THE DEMONIC ONE IF ALL BEAUTY AND HAPPINESS IS POURED INTO MY CREATION AND WOULD I NOT DENY MYSELF MY OWN DEMISE?  IT MAKES SENSE - THAT IS WHY I AM IN CONSTANT DARKNESS.  I AM A MONSTER WHO THINKS HE IS NOT - BUT NOW THAT I KNOW WILL I GIVE MYSELF OVER TO THE BASE INSTINCTS OF ALL MONSTERS?  CAN A MONSTER EVER BE MORE THAN A MONSTER? 

WRINGING MY HANDS FROM EXCITEMENT, I MAKE A PACT WITH THE LIGHT.  I TRY TO FIND IT.  I TRY TO DELIGHT IN IT BEFORE MY EYES GROW TOO ACCUSTOMED TO THE DARK.  PERHAPS THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS?  MAYBE YOU DO NOT BECOME EVIL BECAUSE YOU WANT TO - MAYBE YOU JUST GET USED TO THINGS BEING AS THEY ARE AND ONCE USED TO IT YOU DERIVE STRENGTH FROM YOUR SURROUNDINGS.  COULD THIS BE IT?  CAN YOU GET USED TO SOMETHING SO AWFUL THAT YOU ACTUALLY BECOME AWFUL TOO?  BLACK WORLD YIELDS BLACK SOUL?