Discussion of "Chapter Two: The Zero Effect" by crystalfoo

Well, I managed to dig out an hour or so this morning to toss my hat into round two. However, I didn't have a chance to say 'congratulations!' to Shad for winning with a strong, mashable entry. Great job-you made up the beginnings of an eerie and compelling story. I've got a kid-free weekend (eek!) so I can squeeze out some time to catch up on all the great entries for this round! This is shaping up to be a really interesting contest!

Ah, crystalfoo, you've outdone even yourself! Fabulous writing, terrific imagination and superb plotting. You moved this story miles ahead and your invention/definition of the "zero effect" was especially sweet. I loved how you described Mrs. B past tragedy in such a short, but potent paragraph. Well...I can't say enough... lol...but, I have, I think! Vote: 4.5

Excellent writing! I love your descriptions, like the 'sporadic pulse of a disco ball' and how 'Amy's eyes burned a hole in my shoes.' And you gave a spot-on image of someone who is desperately in need of a few happy pills.

I will mention a couple of things that distracted me - when you talked about the choice between the park and the school, my mind automatically said, were they in such a small town that they didn't have enough people to evacuate both? Was this some sort of 'SAW' style set-up with a diabolical villain giving the good guys an impossible choice? In honesty, I've gotten a little tired of those because they've been used an awful lot (Spiderman, Batman, Saw, and it keeps popping up in shows like Criminal Minds)... But that's just me, and I'm sure there are tons of people out there who still love it, so feel free to disregard my comment :-) Anyway, fleshing that out a bit could've helped.
The other thing was Pete and the 'it would have shocked me' bit. And here's where I have to get anal - in first person, the reader can't know anything the POV character doesn't know unless you put in a third person scene from someone else's point of view, like the way people did in the TSNK story. The paragraph took me for a loop, wondering: how is Ms. B reflecting on things she doesn't know? In general, it would be stronger to lead your readers down a rabbit trail of Ms. B running off to the only man she has befriended, the only man she can trust... and then the discovery comes later, when both Ms. B and the reader are convinced that she is completely safe.
Anyway, it's a great piece overall. I especially love 'The Fathers' and the cult - great 'sleepy town that isn't so sleepy' idea! (Yeah, it's hard to believe that sleepy, safe little towns actually exist after watching Hot Fuzz...) Great work, I give it a 4. Good luck!

Thanks for the comments. I hate to defend, but I wrote the paragraph about Ms. B's past with the intention and understanding that this is only a five round contest-there isn't enough time or space to flesh everything out. It's the writers decision to pick and choose what portions get the meat and which ones do not. In fact, I rather like it that way-sometimes too much is too much. It fits the mystery of the woman herself.
As far as the foreshadowing of Pete; I intentionally did so because surprises can happen and suspense can build when the reader watches a character headed blindly off of a cliff. I'm sure you are right about the tense, but I'd like to check that for sure-It's first pov but in the past tense. As in "I had watched, The wind had blown," as if she were telling a story. I think (?) I can foreshadow that way. Could be wrong.
Thanks again for the comments and votes.

I really enjoyed the feel of this. The imagery is exquisite. The idea of her being suicidal is an interesting twist! And I liked the clues that Pete was not all who he said he was.
I did have a challenge swallowing that "the Division" had dropped contact for six months. However, I really don't know how the FBI works - just what I see on tv, which is hardly a reliable source! Also had a hard time with the fact that she's been welcoming the "zero effect" for a decade, but has not done anything about it. Just my take...
I give it a 4.

You ahve a strong chapter here crystalfoo. I especially like the suicidal twist with Ms. B. Nice touch. The visuals you give are amazing. I did not have a problem at all with reading your chapter. It flowed smoothly.

I agree with shadinah as far as the "zero effect" being a decade long....and 6 months without contact from the division...but they can be overlooked compared to the strength of the story.
4.5

I think suicidal people often toy with the notion of death but are essentially afraid of doing so. It's more comforting to talk themselves into it, to use it as a threat on themselves and when push comes to shove, they find an exuse not to do it. Ten years of self loathing is understandable for a woman who lost her child and husband, and blames herself. I don't know if it's believable or not, that the FBI would send someone deep under cover and drop contact for safety reasons...I thought it was. ;) Not much about this storyline is believable anyway...lol. I wouldn't be surprised if the sinister plot was a basement full of rogue dwarves. (ohhh, that might not be too bad...! LOL)
Foo

OOOOHHH! another great idea for chapter three. :)

I want a basement full of rogue dwarves...

Sounds safer than a basement full of feral dwarves. I forsee a larger basement in your future.

Very interesting chapter. I appreciate the amount of time you put in for added details.

Grammar check: it's (contraction of it is...) You needed its ... twice, I think.

Great chapter, enhanced by your incredibly beautiful prose. I was a little thrown by the "I would have been shocked..." stuff with Pete, but I think it's a valid, if a bit awkward, style. You deepened the character with the Zero Effect, and you developed the setting with the Division, but I would have liked to see the plot move forward more than it did. Other than letting us know that Pete was a sham, and that Mrs. B assumes that all the town Fathers were involved in the plot, Amy ends up delivering the same ominous message as Jake.
Overall a great job (especially for an hour or so's effort. Wish I could write so well, so fast.) 4

Thanks hebe-;) I know the rule-don't know why I do that sometimes. It's a blind spot for me, when I'm grammer checking my work. ;)
Thanks wolf, for the kind words. I wish I'd made it longer-could've done more with plot. I was afraid it would be too long, though. Hindsight-gotta love it. ;)

As far as the 'I would have been shocked'... I believe (though I'm not necessarily the expert here, so feel free to check it out for yourself) that this is a slightly different form of first person narration, the storyteller style. In typical first person writing, you'll find pieces that are written in present tense, but I believe it's more standard these days to write it past tense, even though the action is supposed to be going on as the person is reading it. The storyteller style has the main character telling a story that has already happened, and therefore is free to interject things like that. If you've ever read 'The Spellcoats' by Dianna Wynne Jones, that book is written in the storyteller style (the main character is weaving a coat that contains the story of everything that has happened to her and her family over a period of time, so the readers get to see what she's weaving, but also get to see her taking a break because her hands are cramping and things like that). The first chapter was pretty straightforward first person, so the switch to storyteller narration just threw a few of us off, but it's still valid. Just so you know :-)

Yes, thank you agg. I thought it was okay to do so, and I rather like the storyteller pov sometimes. It seemed to fit what I wanted to do anyway.

I really really liked it. I would love to see what this Pete is up to and who he is. Nicely written.

I love the internal turmoil of Ms. B! She’s suicidal, but she can’t abandon the kids, loved it;) You did a great job with her back story and giving her and odd strength and motivation as well. Amy is a great character too. She seems to know her life will be horrible no matter what so she might as well try and do something good despite the consequences. She seems wise beyond her years and I think you wrote her well. You kind of foreshadowed Pete’s compliance in the mysterious evil of the town which leaves Ms. B and Amy and Jake to save the town… a very interesting possibility:) The FBI stuff jarred me, but I don’t know that much about the Bureau or being deep undercover so it could be very plausible, who knows. I wish you had written more actually. Maybe extended to the scene with Pete and left us hanging there instead. But overall I really liked this, great job!

Thanks-I don't know jack about the FBI either-just making it up as I go...lol!

Your style in this chapter is slightly disjointed, with almost a stream of consciousness feel. The drastic change from the first chapter's tone to this one's is somewhat distracting.

I also have to say that I'm not totally crazy about the back story about Julie and Frank. I've seen this kind of situation before in books and movies (the bomb being in one of two places, etc.), and it makes this chapter seem kind of Lifetime movie-ish.

Watch your grammar!

Your voice is very engaging, and I really liked the paragraph that started with "I doubted that Jake had any sort of gift."

The foreshadowing that precedes that paragraph is a little over the top, though.

I like the part where you mention that the fathers are so much more aggressive and present than the mothers. It gave me a Stepford wives vibe--I'm interested to see where this is headed.

"No, Ms. B. But you are. I just wanted to say 'bye." WOAH! I got chills.

Overall, great job!